Questions....

[theesh]

Hey all, guess I'll spill my gut here, lol

Ok. to start out I'm in a LDR with a wonderful, very special girl. She is my best freind. It has been about two and a 1/2 months. She means a great deal to me. We talk almost everyday. Some days are deeper than others. I know that is how it works. I Personally have been going through ups and downs emotionally. Questioning myself and the relationship. You know the type of questions. The "What if..." and the "Do I really..." questions. I know that God put her in my path for a reason.

I know that she feels somthing for me, something very deeply. For example she went to go see Fever Pitch and when we talked the next day she said it reminded her of me . She knows me inside and out and I trust her explicitly. She can read me like and open book. That is one thing I love about her. Not many people can read me like that. We are on the same maturity level, as well as the same spiritual level.

Seems all well and good, right? It is for the most part, yet.... It feels like she is soo busy that she doesn't have time to talk to me sometimes. I know that this isn't the case. She gives me all the time she can afford. Between full time school, just about full time work, family, and lots of church activity shes a busy girl. Sometimes I wonder where I fit in. It is all depressing, especally since I have never seen her before. I guess one could concer it "not real" yet. What makes matters a little bit worse for me is that i just work... part-time. and I am involved in my church. So I have quite i bit of time to over think this stuff. Am I being selfish by wanting to spend a little more time with her?

I understand that it is just the stage that we are in. She keeps telling me that I take priority over most of the stuff that she does (work, school)... Yet it very much doesn't feel like that. I feel sometimes(now) like I am at the bottom of the priority list. I know that isn't true though. I guess I'm just very insicure with myself. I always have been.... I have been rejected and looked down opon my whole life. I'm very critical of myself.

What it comes down to is that I'm very understanding about her busyness, but not really accepting. I just want to spend some quality time with her. On the phone of course. And sometimes when I don't get that I through myself threw the "Oh she doesn't really care" loop or the "Whatever" loop. I really don't like what this does to me. It really makes me feel well worthless. What makes things worse is that she care tell right away that I'm disapointed when she tells me she can't talk or that she has to leave after a short convo. My voice changes or somthing.... She is one of the only ones that can tell. It a good thing that she can tell.... but I can't hide a thing from her. Agian thats a REALLY good thing. I just feel like an open book.

I guess i just question the whole thing....Am I really supposed to feel like this? Feel this pressure in my chest when I can't talk to her? Feel this uneasy? Question myself. Am I really good enough for her? Does she really want someone that feels this insecure about himself? Yet when I talk to her all those insecurities go away. The only thing that is left half the time is the anoying thing that I can't seem to idetify. This little pressure in my chest. She makes me smile, laugh, and even giggle(which I really don't do with anyone but her).

I guess a lot of these questions will be answered when we finally meet.... which might be next month of my buddies wedding. It is very possable that it is just extreamly tough for me to be 500 some odd mines away from her. I guess I didn't have one big question, but rather lots of little ones. Thanks for listening. It feels better just to get this all out, but replies are welcome.

PS. We have both been praying pretty constantly about where God wants this to go and everything seems to be leading in this direction.

 

[SirKenin]

I am not convinced that God threw her at you, first of all, so maybe consider discarding that notion because it is complicating and coloring the issue.

Second, the thing that struck me immediately and consistently while reading your presentation is that you are very immature. You have an awful lot of growing up to do and quite frankly I don't think you're ready to stand on your own two feet, much less maintain a relationship of this caliber.

LDRs are incredibly difficult, albeit not impossible, to maintain. You are not in the headspace yet to maintain a local relationship, much less a long distance one. You are insecure and frail. Any little thing sets you off and starts you questioning the whole thing. You start to whimper when your lady friend has to get off the phone. The whole thing just wreaks like immaturity, insecurity and low self-esteem.

You don't have the finances to maintain an LDR. You have a part time job that sounds like it's a go nowhere job, so you really have nothing to offer but yourself. That could be fine in and of itself, but the only problem is that "yourself" is incredibly weak. It sounds like you have a lot of work to do before you start courting a lady, whether locally or abroad. I mean look at the beating you have taken in your life. You even question yourself and talk about how you have been thrown around like a proverbial ragdoll. It sounds to me like you are offering this woman nothing but baggage, despite the fact that she is doing her utmost to give to you everything that she has.

I urge you to think about this. What are you offering to this woman? A go nowhere part time job, insecurity, immaturity, low self-esteem and baggage. What is there that would draw a woman close to you? Did you perhaps put up a front as many do in the "honeymoon period"? What is there to keep her in your fold unless she is mentally maligned herself? If she is, is that what you want?

I will bet you fifty bucks this isn't what you wanted to hear, but I am infamous for stating things the way they are in a very blunt fashion. I am telling you that the problem lies squarely on your shoulders. You need to first think about what you are offering this woman and secondly, bearing that in mind, why is it that she is drawn to you? I have a sneaky suspicion that God has very little to do with it based upon seventeen years of dating and marriage.

 

[California Dreamin']

I know how you feel, I had an Internet relationship with a guy that was always busy with work (military) and our time zones made it difficult... I did not get to talk to him very much and when I did not get to talk to him, I just wanted him to e-mail me and he did at first but then he stopped and it crushed me.
Anyways, I am in a relationship now with a guy that lives in the city I go to school in, I am going home and it will be long distance. He has not been paying for his internet and phone, so they will probably be gone

 

[theesh]

SirKenin,
Thank you for your bluntness. I will take it into concideration....but you are not in my shoes. You mostlikly do not have the issues that I deal with everyday. I am in no way discrediting what you have brought to light. I know that I have my Issues, but I am in no way as immature as you beleave me to be. First off, I put up no fronts with her. We are completly open and honest with eachother. Am I sencitive? sure. Probably more-so than some, but she is also sencitive.

You are right I don't currently have the money to maintain an LDR, does that mean just give up and quit? Which it sounds like what you are implying that I do. No. What it is called is commitment and perserverance.

Does God have anything to do with this? I'll bet that fifty bucks and say a big yes. Neither of us were looking for it... It just happened. If you think that isn't God than you are mistaking. God has everything to do with this and still does.

If I end up bringing what you have just said with her I will bet you another fifty that she will ask my why I listened to you, for one... and will disagree with the immaturity and baggage part of your statment. She knows who I am.. As do I know who she is. We can itentify with eachother. We have both been through simallar things....

We all have our different exprences in life.. You have had yours and I have had mine. Mine have made me very aware of the things around me and to the things of God. Yours have aparently made you very blunt.

Man, I feel like I'm defending this relationship. Thats not right. But thank you for the thought provoking reply.

 

[SirKenin]

It's always a pleasure... However, I have been in your shoes in ways that you probably have no idea.

I have maintained a long distance relationship with a woman before. I know the strains on the budget, and I'll bet I make a considerable amount more money than you do. It costs money to travel back and forth. It costs money to talk on the phone. This is before you do any normal things like going out on dates or buying her flowers. I have been through this. I did end up living with her, no God did not put the relationship together (nor does He ever. He's not our dating service) and yes it turns out that she did have issues.

Do you think for a second that I am stupid or that I am talking out of my rear? I'm not like some people. I talk from experience. I talk with the wisdom professionals have given me.

Believe me, you are immature. It is obvious. You have a lot of issues to carry over, because you brought them up here, such as what exgirlfriends have done to you. That, my friend, is called baggage.

You are saying she is sensitive. I will see your bet and raise you a hundred bucks that she has issues too. No, make that two hundred bucks. That is why she is hanging on as long as she has and why she is "sensitive" if I got your meaning. If she didn't have those issues she would be long gone, I'm telling you. When they have issues you can't get rid of them if you throw all their belongings at the curb. You give them a good swift kick in the butt and they turn around and kiss you and tell you how much they love you. Man, I went through that too, unfortunately. She stalked me for a year after I finally got rid of her. Do you know what it is like to have a serious stalker that the police can't even scare off? I do. After that I had to do some serious thinking how it came about that I attracted a nut case like that. You want to talk about being half a bubble off plum. This girl was the Leaning Tower of Pizza (hehe).

The people in here make me laugh (not you, but others). They think they have things all sewn up. They have in their self-righteous little minds this pretty little picture of who they think Sir Kenin is, but they just don't have the foggiest clue. You have to look at it from my point of view. It's funny as all get out.

I don't want you to think that I am telling you to quit this relationship. Certainly I am not. What I AM telling you, though, is that you need to take a break for some serious introspection (that's my new favorite word). You need to reassess who you are and get rid of that baggage. You need to build up your self-esteem and grow up a little. In other words, you need to build yourself up to the point where you have something to offer this lady you like so much as opposed to giving her something to be afraid of. I'll be honest with you guy. If it was me I would be seeing the warning signs and kicking you to the curb. That's one of the things that makes me think there is something wrong with this girl. I am sure you have a lot of positive qualities, and maybe that's what she's hanging onto, thinking the other things will change.. However I know from experience that is very seldom the case. Something will most likely have to kick you in the hind quarters before you realize that there is a problem and do something about it. Right now you are in denial from the looks of things.

As for being blunt? I don't really know what did that. I think it came with maturity and deciding that I was a good person the way I am and not really caring about what other people thought of me. I discovered that I hated it when people were beating around the bush as opposed to coming right out and saying what was on their minds and resolved to not be that way myself.

The thing I need to develop, however, is diplomacy. I am anything but diplomatic and that sets me back when I am communicating with someone. I am working on it, but it is not an easy skill to develop, this is certain.

As for defending the relationship, of course you are. Why wouldn't you be when you get a reply like that? It isn't what you wanted to hear. You are all over this woman and you wanted someone to grease your wheels. When they didn't, you got defensive. That's perfectly normal. I wouldn't worry about it. To be honest with you I anticipated what your reply was going to be before you even wrote it. As soon as I saw that you were in this thread I knew exactly what you were going to say.

Your welcome for the thought provoking reply. It's a gift of mine and it achieved exactly the purpose I intended, whether you agreed with it or not. It made you think and that makes it worth every second that I spent typing it. Now, don't stop there or I will be disappointed.

 

[InTheFlame]

theesh, I'd agree with a lot of what SK's said. Not as a definite 'diagnosis', but as stuff that you'd do well to think long and hard about. Just keep in mind that finding out you have issues and baggage and immaturity ISN'T the end of the world (we all do) or even the relationship. Thinking about this sort of stuff DOES give you an opportunity to sit down and work out your weak points... and then work on them so you become an all-round better person, and more capable of being in a healthy relationship.

I recommend this book a lot, I think it'd really help you identify where your problem areas are and how to start out in fixing them with God's help... it's called Boundaries in Dating (by Drs Cloud and Townsend). I found it a huge help in building my current relationship... using it we built a good foundation for marriage, and it has been great to have that foundation... it's served us well in marriage!

 

[Canada_Girl]

You are still very young and it seems you haven't really begun your life yet--haven't really discovered who you are and what your strengths, talents, gifts are--the things God has put within you that will help you to flfill the plan He has for your life.

A couple of things jumped out at me in your description.
1) that you've only been communicating for 2 1/2 months
2) you say she knows you well enough to "read" you
3) she has a full life and is growing as a person through education and life activities.

At your age, and having been in touch across a distance for only such a short time--this is really about infatuation. That brings powerful emotions, but it's not love, it's attraction. All those emotions and hormones swirling around are tough to deal with. But realize that it is a VERY short time to know someone, really only the beginnings of a relationship.

My advice? Ssssslllllllooooowwww it down. Hold off on expectations because if you really want this to develop into a real relationship, it will take time. If you long for her with such intensity, you risk smothering her an losing her. You need to give her space to live her life. And as you live yours, you both bring so much more to yoour friendship.

You'd like for her to know you as deeply as you claim, but again, infatuation does strange things to a man's brain. You have to think Friends First. If you are her friend, you would only wish for her highest good instead of what you need. And this seems to be more about your need. Pray, honey. Pray for your girl, give her up to the Lord every time you think of her. And guard your heart. Don't expect so much too soon. Maybe set one night a week for a date night where you talk on the phone for hours. That way, both of you can plan that time for yourselves. Send her thinking of you emails, but don't expect anything back. And don't assume when you don't hear from her that she's not interested.

The best thing you can do for yourself and your potential relationship is to work on yourself, your education, life goals, asking for God to help make you the man He created you to be. Cultivate your own circle of friends, your own interests. These will also bring about maturity. Volunteer in your church, learn leadership skills, and seek God for what His will is for your life. Whether it involves marriage and family or not should not be your main focus--you need to know yourself well, and in discovering this, will also learn what kind of a woman you need.

You've got all the time in the world. Don't rush. I say this by experience. Pray, pray, and pray some more, and talk to your youth pastor about your feelings, get your youth group to support you through the emotional upheavals. I know it's not easy. Falling in love can really hurt. And even though often relationships don't work out, they too are learning and growing experiences.

Good luck, and fill your life with good things that bring the best out of you.

Hey all, guess I'll spill my gut here, lol

Ok. to start out I'm in a LDR with a wonderful, very special girl. She is my best freind. It has been about two and a 1/2 months. She means a great deal to me. We talk almost everyday. Some days are deeper than others. I know that is how it works. I Personally have been going through ups and downs emotionally. Questioning myself and the relationship. You know the type of questions. The "What if..." and the "Do I really..." questions. I know that God put her in my path for a reason.

I know that she feels somthing for me, something very deeply. For example she went to go see Fever Pitch and when we talked the next day she said it reminded her of me . She knows me inside and out and I trust her explicitly. She can read me like and open book. That is one thing I love about her. Not many people can read me like that. We are on the same maturity level, as well as the same spiritual level.

Seems all well and good, right? It is for the most part, yet.... It feels like she is soo busy that she doesn't have time to talk to me sometimes. I know that this isn't the case. She gives me all the time she can afford. Between full time school, just about full time work, family, and lots of church activity shes a busy girl. Sometimes I wonder where I fit in. It is all depressing, especally since I have never seen her before. I guess one could concer it "not real" yet. What makes matters a little bit worse for me is that i just work... part-time. and I am involved in my church. So I have quite i bit of time to over think this stuff. Am I being selfish by wanting to spend a little more time with her?

I understand that it is just the stage that we are in. She keeps telling me that I take priority over most of the stuff that she does (work, school)... Yet it very much doesn't feel like that. I feel sometimes(now) like I am at the bottom of the priority list. I know that isn't true though. I guess I'm just very insicure with myself. I always have been.... I have been rejected and looked down opon my whole life. I'm very critical of myself.

What it comes down to is that I'm very understanding about her busyness, but not really accepting. I just want to spend some quality time with her. On the phone of course. And sometimes when I don't get that I through myself threw the "Oh she doesn't really care" loop or the "Whatever" loop. I really don't like what this does to me. It really makes me feel well worthless. What makes things worse is that she care tell right away that I'm disapointed when she tells me she can't talk or that she has to leave after a short convo. My voice changes or somthing.... She is one of the only ones that can tell. It a good thing that she can tell.... but I can't hide a thing from her. Agian thats a REALLY good thing. I just feel like an open book.

I guess i just question the whole thing....Am I really supposed to feel like this? Feel this pressure in my chest when I can't talk to her? Feel this uneasy? Question myself. Am I really good enough for her? Does she really want someone that feels this insecure about himself? Yet when I talk to her all those insecurities go away. The only thing that is left half the time is the anoying thing that I can't seem to idetify. This little pressure in my chest. She makes me smile, laugh, and even giggle(which I really don't do with anyone but her).

I guess a lot of these questions will be answered when we finally meet.... which might be next month of my buddies wedding. It is very possable that it is just extreamly tough for me to be 500 some odd mines away from her. I guess I didn't have one big question, but rather lots of little ones. Thanks for listening. It feels better just to get this all out, but replies are welcome.

PS. We have both been praying pretty constantly about where God wants this to go and everything seems to be leading in this direction.

 

[seangoh]

hi theesh, i recently got into a LDR and it's been almost 3 weeks. I know it's short, but the difference of this from yours may give you some help.
I know it's usually the case in LDRs where they talk at least an hour everyday. That's not the case for me and her. It's not because we don't have money but because we trust each other. We both have made it VERY plain that we're walking down towards marriage if all works out. This itself is very good assurance for me from her and vice versa. It didn't take just one conversation to establish this fact. In actuality, we communicate through sms too and the past few weeks she's been asking me questions to "test" me. So i just reassure her and all that and it happens vice versa too. We also establish the idea that it's no point talking on the phone everyday. I mean, we just want to take it slow and steady even though we're so much into the other person. So i guess we talk maybe 2 or 3 times a week. I know how you're feeling and perhaps the reason is because you haven't got enough assurance from her that ultimately she'll stick to you. In the first place, are you dating her for marriage?Or did you start to date her WITHOUT marriage in mind? If it's the former, then it's fine. If it's the latter then you might not be ready for any kind of relationship yet IMHO because you should think of the long term than the here and now.

We both have our own lives to live and i guess that helps too. Perhaps because you're not fully occupied (because of a part time job) that's why much of your free time is spent thinking of her. I'm just throwing in some possible reasons on why you feel like that. Now whether you're just having an infatuation or not, i'll let the Bible define love.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."1 Cor 13:4-7.

Read every definition of love there and ask yourself whether you're demonstrating it in this relationship. Are you trusting her? Are you not self-seeking or do you always want her to give you attention? etc..well it's hard to do all this without assurance i know. So perhaps you'd like to have a good talk with her or ask some casual questions that would lead her to giving you more assurance. Us being honest with our feelings and thoughts really helped stabilize this relationship somewhat and get off the emotional rollercoaster.

I know my current LDR is not as long as yours but it's different that's why i thought i'll just give my 2 cents.