Question....

[Leah]

After reading the "Sex With My Girlfriend Is Sin?" thread, I have to ask this question.

So, if you love this person and feel married to him/her yet he/she doesn't want to have sex with you (for whatever reason), would you still want a relationship with that person and keep pursuing for it? Or would you move on?

Why or why not?

 

[elsbeth]

How do you "feel married"? Either you ARE or you're NOT.

 

[HuntingMan]

How do you "feel married"? Either you ARE or you're NOT.

Ditto.

 

[Leah]

How do you "feel married"? Either you ARE or you're NOT.

I agree.

 

[Armistead]

After reading the "Sex With My Girlfriend Is Sin?" thread, I have to ask this question.

So, if you love this person and feel married to him/her yet he/she doesn't want to have sex with you (for whatever reason), would you still want a relationship with that person and keep pursuing for it? Or would you move on?

Why or why not?

It depends on what the person wants. In my case, I once met a girl that I really fell for. We had sex...the first night. Not that I was any better, but that moment put a small doubt in my mind. That relationship lasted for about a year. It was up and down. Many issues came up based on issues of trust, for both of us. Even though we had a lot in common and she was like a best friend, our sexual history could not be worked through. I found out she cheated on her former husband several times. I thought if I married her, she would probably do the same to me. I had been married before, but never cheated on my spouse. I can honestly say for me, any girl that I had sex with quickly, the relationship later failed. The problem for me was related more to putting sex before things that make relationships count.

We split and I later met my now wife. I wasn't a bad person then, but I pushed for sex quickly with about any girl I met. However, this girl didn't give. She modeled, was a past Winston Cup Girl, and I had a stong desire for her beauty. Actually, she gave off a lot of what I call Southern Belle sexuality and it sent a mixed message, but she knew what she was doing. It was like "the best time of your life is here, but you are going to work long and hard for it and I must know you love me." Her not giving in drove me towards her. It became clear over time that this was a person I would trust in marriage. We dated and I was forced to build a relationship on the things that count.

We eventually did, but it was about 14 months and we were both over 30. We later got married. I can't say if sex came on quicker what would have happened, but I respected her so much for waiting and that played a huge part on deciding to marry her. We actually had so much fun and enjoyed that time, I wouldn't have had it any different.

If women would learn to do this, they could sort through the men quickly to find the right mate. Now I realize most people, including Christians had sex with the person before they married. We did a poll on this once and it was like 80% did. I'm not saying sex ruins all possible marriages. Most in the poll were still married to that person. However, many of us agreed that we waited and built relationships to that point we knew marriage was coming and that was a factor that counted on having a lasting marriage.

 

[wannabeadesigirl]

So just because you have sex out of marriage, that means that you're just in the relationship to have sex? I have committed myself to my boyfriend, and he to me, and that I believe is what defines marriage. The commitment. All that needs to be done is a ceremony (2 considering our cross cultural identities. I only hope Indian marriages are less expensive than western ones). The spiritual work is done.

 

[Servant of Jesus]

I bet most Christian married couples who are now in a loving relationship who did in fact make love before marriage wish that they hadn't, or at least wouldn't deny the value of doing so.

 

[Ave Maria]

How do you "feel married"? Either you ARE or you're NOT.

I fully agree. There is no such thing as "feeling married". Either you're married or you're not. And you're not married unless you have gone through the ceremony. You can't just say "Well, we've been together for so long we're practically married anyway." or "We're married in spirit." Sorry but it doesn't work that way!

 

[HighwayMan]

I fully agree. There is no such thing as "feeling married". Either you're married or you're not. And you're not married unless you have gone through the ceremony. You can't just say "Well, we've been together for so long we're practically married anyway." or "We're married in spirit." Sorry but it doesn't work that way!

You do realize that a ceremony is a symbolic thing, right?

Nothing at all changes when you are given the piece of paper. Your soul doesn't magically beam off signals to the heavens where Jesus rubs his hands and goes "Yes, NOW you can have sex."

It's quite amazing to me that something that is seen as such a repulsive thing suddenly becomes "sacred" when they give you a piece of paper.

 

[Armistead]

I fully agree. There is no such thing as "feeling married". Either you're married or you're not. And you're not married unless you have gone through the ceremony. You can't just say "Well, we've been together for so long we're practically married anyway." or "We're married in spirit." Sorry but it doesn't work that way!

No one was more in love that I was with my wife when we were not married. However, you are mistaken to think that you can feel married.
In fact, culture does play a part. Even if you feel you are married, the fact is you can walk away without any legal binding concern. You always have an easy way out. We also are to obey the laws of the land. Ceremony or not, legal papers are required.

Yes, I was in love and eventually had sex before marriage, but I never claimed to be married of feel married before God or man. In fact, I refused to marry for a long time due to my first failed marriage.

I can assure you after you legally marry, things do change, better or worse, depending on how prepared you are. You're fooling yourself if you think different. I always wonder about those that don't marry, because they feel married. If you feel so married, why not trust it and make it legal. The fact is most don't for numerous reasons, that being they don't trust the relationship enough to make it legal.

 

[Armistead]

I bet most Christian married couples who are now in a loving relationship who did in fact make love before marriage wish that they hadn't, or at least wouldn't deny the value of doing so.

Actaully, the last poll we did, over 70% said they had sex before marriage and it played no part, better or worse.

 

[theQuestionist]

This is why it's important to have sex with your partner before entering into a long term commitment like marriage.

What a dumb move it would be, to marry someone without testing the waters in what will be the MOST important part of your relationship--ie, the physical connection/intimacy you will share.

The only reason religious couples that have sex before marriage feel guilty about it, is because their society has a stigma towards pre-marital sex (which was brought on by the religion). There is no rational argument you can give towards why pre-marital sex is inherently immoral...other than "oh well the bible tells me so".

 

[Leah]

I can assure you after you legally marry, things do change, better or worse, depending on how prepared you are. You're fooling yourself if you think different. I always wonder about those that don't marry, because they feel married. If you feel so married, why not trust it and make it legal. The fact is most don't for numerous reasons, that being they don't trust the relationship enough to make it legal.

That or they say that they that they don't have enough money to have a ceremony.

Well, the way I see it, if you swear up and down that you love this person and all, then do the honorable thing and take the initiative to get money for the ceremony, even if that means working two jobs or putting in extra hours! If you're not willing to do that and insist that feeling married is just fine, then your significant other should let you know that until things are done right, your legs are staying tight and that you aint getting it tonight!

Amen?

 

[Leah]

This is why it's important to have sex with your partner before entering into a long term commitment like marriage.

What a dumb move it would be, to marry someone without testing the waters in what will be the MOST important part of your relationship--ie, the physical connection/intimacy you will share.

The only reason religious couples that have sex before marriage feel guilty about it, is because their society has a stigma towards pre-marital sex (which was brought on by the religion). There is no rational argument you can give towards why pre-marital sex is inherently immoral...other than "oh well the bible tells me so".

Soooo......to you, sex is a means to judge the character and quality a person?? And if they rate high because of the good sex, then and only then are they worthy of a relationship??

Or is it that sex, by itself, is an important aspect in a relationship. A relationship is two people giving to one another for the purpose of meeting their needs (spiritually, emotionally, materially, and sexually), not mandates. It's mutal submission to each other. It is not about "what's-in-it-for-me"?

And didn't God created sex?

 

[Archivist]

And didn't God created sex?

God created apples too, but I don't have to wait for a special ceremony to eat one.

 

[theQuestionist]

Soooo......to you, sex is a means to judge the character and quality a person?? And if they rate high because of the good sex, then and only then are they worthy of a relationship??

What??? No! You misunderstood my post. Having sex is a test of whether or not the person is an adequate sexual partner. Despite the romantic view that religionists often have of sexual relationships, they can often be plagued with all kinds of problems due to emotional/physical incompatibility between partners.

Just like...you get to know your partner's personality before marrying them, you also need to get to know their body.

Or is it that sex, by itself, is an important aspect in a relationship. A relationship is two people giving to one another for the purpose of meeting their needs (spiritually, emotionally, materially, and sexually), not mandates. It's mutal submission to each other. It is not about "what's-in-it-for-me"?

"Mutual submission" only works when the two partners are compatible. To find out if someone is compatible with you, you need to first TEST the waters...through emotional and physical interaction.

And didn't God created sex?

No, sexual reproduction came about through natural selection as an efficient way for multi-cellular organisms to reproduce. Some imaginary friend in the sky certainly didn't create it.

 

[HaloHope]

Marriage (imho) happens whenever two people decide they are married. A ceromony isnt required, nor is a piece of paper, it occours when in their hearts two people decide they are.

Some people may need a piece of paper etc.. to consider themselves married, but I dont think it is a requirement of marriage. Whats important is the commitment in a relationship.

 

[Armistead]

This is why it's important to have sex with your partner before entering into a long term commitment like marriage.

What a dumb move it would be, to marry someone without testing the waters in what will be the MOST important part of your relationship--ie, the physical connection/intimacy you will share.

The only reason religious couples that have sex before marriage feel guilty about it, is because their society has a stigma towards pre-marital sex (which was brought on by the religion). There is no rational argument you can give towards why pre-marital sex is inherently immoral...other than "oh well the bible tells me so".

I don't find premarital sinful in itself, but it's not the measure that will build a long lasting relationship. Trust me, if you've been married for any length of time, sex is not the most important thing in a marriage. If may be at first, but when kids come, bills pile up, ect.. commitment, parenting, trust, and friendship are the most important things.

I had one failed marriage and slept with I'm sure over 100 women in my life. Overall, I was great at sex, but terrible with relationships. Even when I got into lasting relationships, living together, ect..they all ended not because of bad sex, but because of not taking the time to build emotional commitment. I lacked maturity, because great sex was the first priority.
Even in relationships where sex was good, I still cheated, because a mind and heart commitment were never built over a period of time. I also lacked respect and trust for a girl that dropped drawers the first date.

When I met my wife, she had never been married and was 31. She had had a few relationships, one long and serious that was headed for marriage, but didn't make it. She had only been with just a very few men...mainly due to dating the same guy for 12 years.

We dated over a year before she would have sex. I was madly in love with her...but it was heart and mind first. She wasn't a radical. We both weren't even in church in the time. She was a model, Mrs. Winston Cup at one time, ect. She had men chasing her by the hundreds. She just viewed sex as something a man was going to have to work and wait to prove love and commitment.

She wasn't that great in bed at first, not that any sex is bad). Frankly, she lacked, compared to the wild kinky women I had been with. But I didn't judge her for that. She was what I wanted and with communication and love, two people can become great at sex, {if they don't have "hang ups.} I would have married her if she remained average with sex or even if she had decided to wait until we got married. She is great now and highly skilled and very open minded. It also didn't take very long for her to become good. The fact is, two people learning each other become good at sex together as a team.

Having lived both sides of the fence, I would never recommend anyone demanding great sex before marriage. Finding a girl that made me take the time to build a friendship, understand commitment, I was finally able to have a lasting relationship.

Those that know me here would probably call me liberal. I don't biblically argue against premarital sex. However, I am convinced those that wait and find the right person will be happy, regardless of if the sex is good or bad at first. I also believe the marriages that will work are those that can wait until marriage or at least know they will marry.

 

[Armistead]

that until things are done right, your legs are staying tight and that you aint getting it tonight!

Amen?

your a poet...

We got married for less than a few hundred dollars, although we had one expensive honeymoon.

 

[HuntingMan]

Marriage (imho) happens whenever two people decide they are married. A ceromony isnt required, nor is a piece of paper, it occours when in their hearts two people decide they are.

Some people may need a piece of paper etc.. to consider themselves married, but I dont think it is a requirement of marriage. Whats important is the commitment in a relationship.

Its not a piece of paper or a ceremony, but it absolutely is a commitment TO each other to BE 'husband and wife' for life.

Shacking up and saying 'we're married' without a very specific point where the two HAVE made some form of promise between them to BE husband and wife is simply living in denial and fornication.

Being 'committed' to sin is still sin.