Question about marriage

[Called4Joy]

Do you think it's God's will that every Believer be married?

i was married very briefly many years ago. i wasnt walking in faith at that time [neither was my husband] and the marriage was a bad one, to say the least. my husband left me the day before i gave birth to our son [adultery was involved] and i've been single every since.

now, my son is 18 and will soon be off to college. he's a good boy and true blessing to me.

the bad marriage i went through in my early 20's was enough to scare me from trying it again while i was raising my son. now that he's about to get out in the world and start his own life, i'm feeling more settled and i've started to feel something is 'missing.'
at some point, i'd like to find somebody to really settle down with and have a 'normal' relationship.
is the fact that i'm thinking about it so seriously now a sign that the Holy Spirit is telling me that it's my time to find a life helper and mate, or do i assume that the reason i havent found anybody in all these years is because part of God's purpose for me requires i be alone?

i've prayed on it and honestly, i can say i'm not 'lonely.' that's not what it is. i think it's more a case of feeling 'incomplete.'

weird question, i know, but one that has been pressing on me quite a bit, lately.

 

[quietbloke]

Hi Called4Joy,

You really need to speak to your Pastor about this. Because there are differing views,you need to find the Scriptural view on this and what your church believes about divorce and remarriage.

 

[Called4Joy]

Hi Called4Joy,

You really need to speak to your Pastor about this. Because there are differing views,you need to find the Scriptural view on this and what your church believes about divorce and remarriage.

we've got a lot of divorced and remarried people in my church, so i know that's not an issue. i know the Bible speaks out against divorce, except in cases of adultery [which is what happened in my case... my husband 'left the marriage bed' to be with somebody else].

 

[quietbloke]

It would still be good for you to have a chat with your Pastor about what you feel. May God really bless you!

 

[Called4Joy]

i may, if these feelings persist. right now, it's not something i feel ranks high enough to worry my pastor with.
i was hoping somebody here might have some opinions/insight that could help.

 

[Determinedheart]

I think you are normal... and at a point in your life where you want and perhaps are just now ready to have someone in your life. Good for you ! I see nothing wrong with it , best of luck !

mmmm... lots of people have "Opinions" but Gods opinion is in his word and that is what we should follow

 

[flaglady]

Oh, how even the title of your thread spoke into my heart! I have never been married except to my career as a nurse. I would often joke, when people asked me wasn't I unhappy not having a husband/partner "Why on earth would I, with around 40 odd consultants to pander to all day at work, want to have another man to have to pander to at home!"

But seriously addressing your question, I do not think that every woman is destined to be a wife and mother nor every man a husband and father. I have certainly never seriously regretted it.

Sure there are times when I think it might be nice to have someone to care about/for me and help me get things done, like in the garden,etc., or to snuggle up with in bed or even on the settee in front of the tv.

But practicalities soon surface and I know that I know that I was never designed to be a sharer. Despite all those little wishes, they are mostly selfish things and the bottom line is that I have always been an independent and self-sufficient individual. Plus which, I have seen enough bad marriages in my life to know I'm better off out of it. I just wouldn't have the patience to put up with it.

So no, I don't regret my singleton-ship one bit and I think God uses it in ways that are special to that social status. IOW, it's just the way I am.

 

[Called4Joy]

But seriously addressing your question, I do not think that every woman is destined to be a wife and mother nor every man a husband and father. I have certainly never seriously regretted it.

that's where my questions are, i think. how do i know if it's what my purpose requires?
the one time i was married it only lasted 19 months. i was too young for it and put my trust in the wrong kind of person. at the time, i was the wrong kind of person for it, too.
when it ended, it was a nightmare for me. my heart and spirit were broken. divorce is what other people do, but not me.
there was no lack of love for my husband from me, but he didnt love me the way he should have. he picked me because i was innocent and he took advantage.
when he left, it was for a prostitute he'd been 'doing business with' for a few months.
i was about to give birth any moment, he took every dime we had, left me in labor and with a lap full of overdue bills... in the middle of a sleet and snow storm, no less!
you cant make this stuff up!

i had our son the next afternoon and i've raised him by myself every since.

i've actually been engaged several times over the years and got cold feet, each time, ending the relationships, because once i decide i couldnt marry them, i fail to see a reason to continue in a relationship that had no reasonable tie-up, ya know?

i feel like i'm supposed to settle and have a "normal" relationship, since that has eluded me for my whole life.
i do want the whole 'husband, home, watching TV on the couch, while going over the bills' kinda thing.
for some reason, i've spent my life feeling completely seperate from the world. the only place i feel 'a part' is with my church family.
i know a husband and wife are supposed to be 'a part' of each other and i see couples like that and i always wonder what that takes and how some find it almost immediately and somebody like me cant seem to bridge that gap.

i've got a huge heart and i feel like it's time to move somebody else in, so to speak. i'm not lonely, so i know that's not it. like i said earlier, i just feel 'incomplete.'
i just need to know if that's me or am i being Spirit-led?

 

[Adammi]

.

 

[flaglady]

Honey, you've been hurt big-time. And I know a little of what you have suffered as my sister went through much the same kind of thing. Her husband pressured her to get rid of her baby right up until the birth as it was clear he wanted a mother, not a wife. And when the baby was but a few months old, he left taking with him every penny she had and, as you suffered, leaving behind a whole pile of bills that even included his tab at the local pub! That was 10 days before Christmas.

But my sister was fortunate that I was around and we joined forces to make a kind of home for the baby to grow up in. I now look at my 40 something nephew and remember how those times, my leaving my nursing career to go work on the buses as a conductress so we'd be able to get ourselves straight.

Anyway, point being, my sister never married again. She lost all trust in anyone else, even me, and has never related to another human being since though this incident wasn't the only thing in her life that contributed to it.. She's now 74. I pray this won't happen to you. If you feel you need/want a partner in life, then pray God will mark him out for you. I don't mind betting there's a lovely guy out there somewhere who's praying exactly the same thing and will be just the right one to pour oil on those broken emotions and restore trust.

 

[Called4Joy]

Honey, you've been hurt big-time. And I know a little of what you have suffered as my sister went through much the same kind of thing. Her husband pressured her to get rid of her baby right up until the birth as it was clear he wanted a mother, not a wife. And when the baby was but a few months old, he left taking with him every penny she had and, as you suffered, leaving behind a whole pile of bills that even included his tab at the local pub! That was 10 days before Christmas.

But my sister was fortunate that I was around and we joined forces to make a kind of home for the baby to grow up in. I now look at my 40 something nephew and remember how those times, my leaving my nursing career to go work on the buses as a conductress so we'd be able to get ourselves straight.

Anyway, point being, my sister never married again. She lost all trust in anyone else, even me, and has never related to another human being since though this incident wasn't the only thing in her life that contributed to it.. She's now 74. I pray this won't happen to you. If you feel you need/want a partner in life, then pray God will mark him out for you. I don't mind betting there's a lovely guy out there somewhere who's praying exactly the same thing and will be just the right one to pour oil on those broken emotions and restore trust.

i was devastated when my marriage ended the way it did. i was scared to death, because at a young age, i was left alone with the huge responsibility of raising my son.

fortunately, i'm far beyond that, now. my ex-hubby and i are on cordial terms and i've long since forgiven him. i owe him for my son, so how could i hold a grudge?

the experience did make me wary, however. the failed engagements i've gone through were all because my senses have been put on high alert because of the marriage. i think about 'warning signs' i should have paid heed to before i got into that first marriage and i'm on guard.

However, i cant shake this feeling that the time has come to 'settle down.'
i will pray for guidance on this and for a life helper to be brought for me. i know if it's truly what God wants for me, it'll be.

 

[flaglady]

Something else occurs to me - just because you've had one unhappy experience doesn't mean you're forever destined to repeat it!

I mean, if you made an unwise purchase or took a holiday that turned out to be a disaster, would that stop you from ever doing it again? I don't mean to trivialise your broken marriage but just trying to put it into perspective for you.

Something to think about, eh?

 

[Called4Joy]

Something else occurs to me - just because you've had one unhappy experience doesn't mean you're forever destined to repeat it!

I mean, if you made an unwise purchase or took a holiday that turned out to be a disaster, would that stop you from ever doing it again? I don't mean to trivialise your broken marriage but just trying to put it into perspective for you.

Something to think about, eh?

you're absolutely right and i have thought about that.

i think i had to reach a place in my life where i could say i was 100% happy with myself, which is where i'm at now.
i'd like to find a man who is 100% happy with himself, so that together, we can grow and be 100% happy with being a couple, if that makes sense.

 

[flaglady]

It does but it's a rather high ideal to reach for! I would suggested maybe if you are each 50% happy then you'll have 100% between you! I think a lot of people would settle for being 50% happy most of the time - not even all the time!

 

[Called4Joy]

It does but it's a rather high ideal to reach for! I would suggested maybe if you are each 50% happy then you'll have 100% between you! I think a lot of people would settle for being 50% happy most of the time - not even all the time!

aaahhh... but my God isnt a 50% God... he's a 100% God, ALL of the time!
i feel like if what i'm feeling is from God, he's going to take me all the way and wants nothing less for me than that in my relationships.

 

[flaglady]

Good for you, gal! You go!

 

[Called4Joy]

heheheee... will do!

 

[JCmyFriend]

Now to the unmarried and the widows I say : it is good for them to remain unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
1 Cor 7:8-9 NIV

Even though this is Paul speaking it should tell you everything you need to know.

God knows the path he has mapped out for you. It is up to you whether you follow his lead or choose one of your own. If it is his will for you to marry, he will certainly guide you every step of the way. Continue walking with him and pray about it, he will show you where he wants you to be and whether a life partner is apart of that.

 

[tturt]

You're going through a period of adjustment with your son leaving - so I encourage you to allow "some time" to past in order for you to adjust.

As far as a mate, you know that verse about casting all our cares on Him? So I would pray about it and leave it in the Lord's hands.

Then if it looks like the Lord is answering your prayer, do not assume that she's the one. It will be confirmed.

 

[Called4Joy]

You're going through a period of adjustment with your son leaving - so I encourage you to allow "some time" to past in order for you to adjust.

As far as a mate, you know that verse about casting all our cares on Him? So I would pray about it and leave it in the Lord's hands.

Then if it looks like the Lord is answering your prayer, do not assume that she's the one. It will be confirmed.

i'd kinda like a 'he.'
:o