Question about husbands internet searches

[mommyof3emblife]

So I’ve posted before on my husbands porn use and my concerns. I still haven’t decided how to handle it because I’m afraid if things blow up and we separate I don’t want the possibility of losing my 3 kids even if it was split custody. But recently I found he’s been searching local escort sites. I honestly don’t think he’s used one bc I handle the finances and would see if something was off. But the fact that he’s looking, does that mean he’s planning to? I feel so much more hurt by this than porn, which really hurts me as well. I just feel so inadequate. I really don’t know where to go from here. I know I need to address all this with him, but am scared of where it will go and ultimately lead to. Also, I’ve brought up counseling in the past but he was opposed to it. Finances have always been super tight so I don’t know how we’d afford it anyway.

 

[mama2one]

Finances have always been super tight so I don’t know how we’d afford it anyway.

cut off the Internet; one simple phone call
several people have suggested it so why haven't you?

then save that money up for some counselling

if kids need it for homework, take them to library
we've gone w/o net before to save money; it's not that difficult using library

do it!

(cutting off net, he can spend more time with family and break habit and since you handle finances, you can say you need to save money which is true)

 

[Dave L]

First off, don't see yourself as inadequate because of a defect in another person's reaction to you. It's like trying to see how you look in front of a fun house mirror. Secondly, see yourself as God sees you. I know if my motive is right, it matters not, whatever reflection of myself I see coming from others. Husbands also have negative forces bearing down on them in the work place. Many I've known thinking they should be further up the ladder than they are. And if this is the case, his frustration might be venting itself in the way you see. Marriage has ups and downs but if you can weather them and not compromise your faith, the golden years are truly golden for many.

 

[mommyof3emblife]

cut off the Internet; one simple phone call
several people have suggested it so why haven't you?

then save that money up for some counselling

if kids need it for homework, take them to library
we've gone w/o net before to save money; it's not that difficult using library

do it!

(cutting off net, he can spend more time with family and break habit and since you handle finances, you can say you need to save money which is true)

I haven’t cut off the internet bc I’m a stay at home mom and am working from home and need internet. I turn the internet off at night before I go to bed but he always turns it back on. If I cut off the internet all together I lose the additional income I’m making to try to help with groceries etc.

 

[Petros2015]

But recently I found he’s been searching local escort sites. I honestly don’t think he’s used one bc I handle the finances and would see if something was off. But the fact that he’s looking, does that mean he’s planning to?

Probably. The way addiction and the mind works if he gets tempted to check it out, he'll also get tempted to price it out. Once it's priced out, the mind will start looking for a way to 'make it work' both in terms of the up front cost and the time availability of the meeting. Addiction does not factor in the consequences that will result as part of the price that is paid, it will simply look for a way to pay the upfront price to get the fix. You say you handle the finances, he'll be aware of that. But it's not that hard to get a hidden email account, bank account, credit card, whatever. Pawn something for some cash, do a favor for someone, etc.

That may not have already happened, a lot of people 'check it out' without ever making the decision to engage someone physically (I used porn for many decades, and frequented strip clubs, but never hired a prostitute or escort for example).

I do feel like if he has an addiction problem then a) it's important to understand that addiction doesn't care about what your finances are - people blow through 1000's that they can't afford to all the time for things they are addicted to and b) its important for you to understand that you only handle the finances you are aware of. Addicts are known to do things to get other finances to support their habits, take out a 2nd mortgage on a house without the spouse knowing about it, fun stuff like that.

If he has a porn addiction and you are seeing escort site searches, I'd be pretty concerned. It doesn't mean that he's done it yet, it doesn't mean that he for 100% will do it, but the danger is very high and addictions are progressive. Once that line gets crossed, it stays crossed and becomes the new 'normal' behavior. If he starts dealing with escorts and prostitutes that opens him up to a whole host of other problems like STDs, blackmail, extortion, legal trouble.

There is definite hope and help available, there are recovery organizations like SA if he wants them. But he has to want to 'dethrone' lust from his life and put something else there like Christ instead.

The Problem and the Solution | Sexaholics Anonymous

 

[Seadish]

I haven’t cut off the internet bc I’m a stay at home mom and am working from home and need internet. I turn the internet off at night before I go to bed but he always turns it back on. If I cut off the internet all together I lose the additional income I’m making to try to help with groceries etc.

U can put blocks on there,,,

 

[Petros2015]

There is definite hope and help available, there are recovery organizations like SA if he wants them. But he has to want to 'dethrone' lust from his life and put something else there like Christ instead.

Just FYI - there are 'sister' recovery organizations for people who are impacted by addictions and alcoholics in their lives but aren't addicts themselves. For example, AA has Al-Anon. SA has S-Anon. You mentioned finances were too tight for therapists. 12 step recovery organizations typically 'pass the basket' and people throw in a buck or two if they have it, so that's about as cheap as you can get. Even if he doesn't want to go to SA, you might find some help for yourself if there is a S-Anon meeting somewhere nearby. SA and S-Anon also make heavy use of 'phone meetings' where everyone dials in at a certain time and talks through issues by phone instead of meeting face to face so if there isn't a nearby meeting you can always try to dial into one and see if it is something that would be of benefit.

S-Anon Phone & Virtual Meetings – S-Anon International Family Groups

 

[zephcom]

So I’ve posted before on my husbands porn use and my concerns. I still haven’t decided how to handle it because I’m afraid if things blow up and we separate I don’t want the possibility of losing my 3 kids even if it was split custody. But recently I found he’s been searching local escort sites. I honestly don’t think he’s used one bc I handle the finances and would see if something was off. But the fact that he’s looking, does that mean he’s planning to? I feel so much more hurt by this than porn, which really hurts me as well. I just feel so inadequate. I really don’t know where to go from here. I know I need to address all this with him, but am scared of where it will go and ultimately lead to. Also, I’ve brought up counseling in the past but he was opposed to it. Finances have always been super tight so I don’t know how we’d afford it anyway.

First things first. You are an abused wife. Accept that as true. It will help you with the decisions you need to make.

Arrange for a place to stay for yourself and the children in an emergency.

Create the emergency by transferring all the money you can get your hands on into an account that only you control. Don't worry about him, he has money you don't know about. That evening confront your husband by demanding he accept your terms for treatment.

If he agrees to them continue using the new account to pay bills while he proves himself. If he does not agree take the kids the next morning and move out.

You conquer the fears by making plans in advance.

IMMHO, you only have two choices. Either overcome your fears of living without him or accept that he will continue this behavior forever.

 

[Tinker Grey]

I do not recommend turning off the internet or putting blocks on. You're not his mother.

I don't know what to suggest however. I guess I'd start with seeing if he'll go to counseling with you. If he's not willing to work on this and you can't live with his behavior, then you may have to separate. I think that escort services introduces risks to you that are unacceptable.

If you want to save this marriage, then counseling is paramount. You are trying to control him; you're checking his history; you're turning off the internet. He's browsing porn, browsing escort services, and turning the internet on after you've turned it off (and why shouldn't he). Get counseling or get out. Then get counseling for yourself.

 

[bèlla]

It has been my experience that if we desire to do something we will find a way to do it. Whether you're addressing infidelity or overeating. When we are driven by our desires we don't always count the cost. You're in pain and it can be challenging to glimpse the reality in that statement. But it is something everyone is guilty of at some point. Where we differ is the impact our actions have on the ones we love and ourselves. In some situations the stakes are higher.

I am in agreement that monitoring is counterproductive. Change must be innate and he must want to stop. Watching him only creates a panicked mindset and endless suspicion. You'll conjure up scenarios that may not occur and live in a constant state of fear. It will wear you down in time.

This isn't the lone avenue he can take to have relations with women. There are many websites and apps he can utilize to form a connection. I'm speaking candidly for a reason. It is probable that his searches are connected with the pornography he views. If it was solely for a relationship, I don't believe this is the path he'd take. Most escorts have partners. However, if he's desiring a specific service the behavior makes sense.

I understand your feelings of inadequacy but I think his behavior isn't wholly related to the marriage. There are usually other factors involved. Porn may be an escape or how he copes with the pressures and challenges he's experiencing. Escorts aren't the usual avenue a man takes if he wants to leave. They are often employed when he plans to maintain the marriage.

Discovering the why behind his pornography use is difficult to discern without a discussion. Accusation and pain from the other person (understandably given) will make a man less likely to tell you the truth. I have found candid conversations regarding sex are usually best. It enables you to discover what he truly needs and those that appeal to him as fantasies and nothing more.

If a man's sexual desires fall outside of acceptable norms; porn is often a refuge. Many fear shame or ridicule if their interests don't adhere to your expectations or society's ideals. In these instances they will seek acceptance through other avenues, pornography, or bury them instead.

I don't believe this requires agreement from the other party. But listening is a good start. Oftentimes its articulation in an atmosphere devoid of judgment is what he needs. Getting it out is important.

Spirits of perversion are very difficult to break. Your success will depend on your willingness to work together for its removal. I shared some strategies on a recent thread that may help.

 

[paul1149]

I’ve posted before on my husbands porn use and my concerns. I still haven’t decided how to handle it because I’m afraid if things blow up and we separate I don’t want the possibility of losing my 3 kids even if it was split custody.

My normal reply to situations like this is that things very seldom get better on their own. Sometimes they do, when the person realizes the direction he's going on and hits the brakes. But usually it takes an outside force to stop a moving object.

But given the fact that you have strong concerns about separation and potential loss of the children, I would point out some other advice I give - namely, do not draw a gun unless you are willing to use it, because drawing a gun escalates a crisis. If I were in your shoes I would contemplate exactly how much you are willing and able to put up with, and what the cost would be to confront this situation openly.

I also don't think blocks would work in this case. They're pretty easily overrun anyway, but they're also not appropriate here.

There are many dimensions to this. First of all, you shouldn't feel inadequate. From what I gather, he hasn't tried to discuss the problem and find a resolution. Chances are very good that the problem originates within him. Perhaps, considering his behavior, it's time to lean more on the Lord for your self-worth than on your husband. I know that's not easy under the circumstances, but it's the right thing to do, and leads to peace.

And then, you should consider possible ways this can play out. You can confront, and it might turn out very well. But if it doesn't, are you willing to put up with a compromised marital situation for a season, for the sake of the kids? Would that be a good thing? Think about all possible outcomes and how you would deal with them. Then you'll be clearer on what your goals and limits are going into the confrontation.

 

[mama2one]

U can put blocks on there,,,

might help if it's a habit

if he's blocked long enough and can substitute time with family, exercise, reading the Bible, etc he could break the habit but he also needs to be willing to make change

 

[rambot]

Is it a very frequent use? Not to get too personal but the quality of your sex life may be impacted if it doesn't exacerbate.
If I can get overly counselly:

When my wife and I start to get distant we make pledges about time together. For us we have three big ones:
1) 1 +3 second kiss a day. There is something around that 3 to 5 second mark where you feel kind kinda little spark. It's really lovely. Kiss until you feel it.
2) 1 +20 second hug a day. Notice when I/you need one and give one.
3) Talk about your day with good AND BAD. Start bad then good. And try to stay on good. And be interested in what your partner has to say. While holding each other in a hug, I always found nice.

I think in relationships like yours and mine, a lack of a connection feels like the problem. I can say that and more conscious/purposeful hanging out together was important.

Blocking off the internet is like giving pain killers for a broken bone. Working on your relationship and connection will get your broken bone set and casted.

That's my two sense anyway. Good luck.

 

[Sketcher]

But recently I found he’s been searching local escort sites. I honestly don’t think he’s used one bc I handle the finances and would see if something was off. But the fact that he’s looking, does that mean he’s planning to?

Not necessarily. Sometimes people window shop but never buy, others do buy. I can't tell you which one he is.

 

[RestoreTheJoy]

cut off the Internet; one simple phone call
several people have suggested it so why haven't you?

A thousand times, this! You can go to the library too.

 

[Tinker Grey]

If you unilaterally cut off the internet, your marriage is doomed.

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

So I’ve posted before on my husbands porn use and my concerns. I still haven’t decided how to handle it because I’m afraid if things blow up and we separate I don’t want the possibility of losing my 3 kids even if it was split custody. But recently I found he’s been searching local escort sites. I honestly don’t think he’s used one bc I handle the finances and would see if something was off. But the fact that he’s looking, does that mean he’s planning to? I feel so much more hurt by this than porn, which really hurts me as well. I just feel so inadequate. I really don’t know where to go from here. I know I need to address all this with him, but am scared of where it will go and ultimately lead to. Also, I’ve brought up counseling in the past but he was opposed to it. Finances have always been super tight so I don’t know how we’d afford it anyway.

There is a way provided by God, in Scripture.

For gentle true living simple examples and proof of Scripture,
get if you can Marabel's "TOTAL JOY".

The battle is God's. His great concern is for you. Rest in Him. Stay in His Word.

Total Joy by Marabel Morgan - Goodreads
Total Joy has 15 ratings and 4 reviews. Mary said: When she was in third grade, Marabel Morgan's parents went through a divorce. By the time she was an a...

p.s. no, don't cut off the internet. That is a way that seems right to some, but the end thereof may well be the path to destruction.
The internet is a bad influence, and still find and realize that

God's Way that is better, so let God handle it, His Way ---- listen to God's Word.

 

[mama2one]

the OP handles the finances as do I

to save money, I've cut off the internet, landline, cable
when you're the one handling finances, you can cut anything extra

 

[YeshuaFan]

So I’ve posted before on my husbands porn use and my concerns. I still haven’t decided how to handle it because I’m afraid if things blow up and we separate I don’t want the possibility of losing my 3 kids even if it was split custody. But recently I found he’s been searching local escort sites. I honestly don’t think he’s used one bc I handle the finances and would see if something was off. But the fact that he’s looking, does that mean he’s planning to? I feel so much more hurt by this than porn, which really hurts me as well. I just feel so inadequate. I really don’t know where to go from here. I know I need to address all this with him, but am scared of where it will go and ultimately lead to. Also, I’ve brought up counseling in the past but he was opposed to it. Finances have always been super tight so I don’t know how we’d afford it anyway.

Does your Husband make any claim to being a Christian?

 

[Tinker Grey]

to save money, I've cut off the internet, landline, cable

Did you do it without discussing it with your spouse?