Purity

[a2j4ever]

Wow this is exactly what I was looking for. I really hope you guys can help me, I've been having issues with my boyfriend. I found out recently that he is not a virgin and I am. We both have been raised in somewhat of a christian atmosphere, and we've known each other for 4 or 5 years. We dated a little while before now when we first met, but it didn't last long.

Now we're together again and I think this may be it when I graduate from college, we might get married.
Well, he lost his virginity when he was a senior in high school and he didn't very much feel comfortable with it, and then with another girl who he dated for over a year who he thought he was going to marry.
And now we're getting serious, and I know he's not pure and I am pure, it upsets me, so he's going to get tested this week at the clinic. I'm really nervous because I don't know if he has anything, and if he does, if it will keep us from having children in the future.
I'd like to know if anyone has been through a similar situation and can tell me a story and/or some verses in the Bible to help comfort me.

When I first found out, I was so angry with him, for among many reasons, not having enough self control, or thinking about how it was going to affect himself and other people later on. Then I started to get mad at myself for I don't know why. It just tore me up for a long time, ya know? Because I love him and the one thing he'll never be able to give me is his purity, something that has always been important to me.
Alright, sorry for rambling, let me know what you guys think.

 

[FaithfulServant]

Taken from a book called Boy Meets Girl, that I am currently reading:

3. Because of the Cross, you can forgive the past sin of another person.

If you are the person receieving the confession in your relationship, I understand what a challeneg this can be - especially if you have saved yourself sexually. I certainly wouldn't be a virgin if I hadn't grown up a Christian, and I had suspected that Shannon wasn't a virgin when we first began our courtship. Still, I experienced a very deep sense of sorrow when she told me about her past relationships. I loved her. Sin had stolen something from us that couldn't be replaced. That was very sad for both of us.

If you're having to work through another person's past sins, let me encourage you to consider several things.

First, you have the opportunity ot be a channel of God's forgiveness. Though its easy to see only how their sin affects you, remember that it is probably twice as hard for him to tell you as it is for you to listen. Keep reminding them of the reality of God's forgiveness. As you process your own feelings, continually point them to the cross and make sure they're rooted in an understanding of God's grace.

Second, don't allow what can be an appropriate sense of loss and dissapointment at the effects of sin turn into self-rightiousness or bitterness towards the other person. You may be a virgin, but you too are a sinner who can only be saved by the atoning death of Jesus.
Though the sin of the one you love does affect you if you choose to get married, keep in mind that the sin was primarilly against God. He was there to witness it. He wept over it. At the cross, He bled over it. He loves your partner more than you ever can. And he has forgiven him or her. Don't hold yourself above God by withholding your forgiveness.

Third, while you should forgive the man or woman you're in a relationship with, you shouldn't equate forgiveness with an obligation to get married. Depending on where you are in your relationship, there might still be questions to answer before getting engaged. Don't let this issue cause you to overlook other areas of concern.
I know of cases where the man or woman just couldn't deal with the fact that the other person had slept with other people. If you're not able to forgive and move beyond this issue, don't assume that marriage will fix the problem. Take your time, get counsel. If you can't reconcile it, be willing to end the relationship.

Finally, if you do choose to get married, make sure that you forgive like God does - choose to remember their past sin not more. As humans, we can't do it perfectly like God does, but we can refuse to dwell on the past. When it comes to mind, we can push it away. As Jay Adams said, "Forgiveness is a promise, not a feeling."
When you forgive other people, you're making a promise to not hold thier past sin against them. My dad's advice to me before Shannon and I got engaged was very helpful. "You need to settle in your heart, that you will never whether it's in the heat of an argument or under any circumstances - use her past as a weapon." That's the commitment I've made, and by God's grace I've kept it.

On a more personal note: I am not a virgin but the wonderful man who I am courting forgave me. Purity has always been important to him and still is, it is to me also. I would do anything to take back my sin, and I'm sure your boyfriend would also. I thank God for giving him a forgiving heart because I struggled for the longest time on whether to tell him or not. When I told him, he was of course concerned, but he took me into his arms and forgave me right there.
If you can see that your boyfriend has truly repented then ask yourself if you are putting God in a box by deciding that you will only marry a "pure" man. God decides who you marry, and we are all going to marry sinners. I hope this helped a little!

God Bless ,

Steffani

 

[msjones21]

I loathe the term "pure" as if someone who has had sexual contact in the past is somehow permanently blemished and can never redeem themselves. I'm certain he regrets his previous sexual encounters and I'm certain he has asked for forgiveness. Does it hurt you? Sure, especially since you've held onto your virginity; however, it isn't fair to place the burden of guilt on him because he has not done the same. God has forgiven him and now you should. Try not to take it personally that he has been with girls in the past. His past is behind him and he's with you now. If he has reclaimed his purity in Christ then you either need to forgive him as Christ already has or you need to break it off if you can't handle the fact that he is not a virgin. Those are really the only two options. It wouldn't be fair to either one of you if you can't forgive his past.

 

[FaithfulServant]

That's WHY I put "pure" in quotation marks

God Bless ,

Steffani

 

[jenptcfan]

virginity does not = purity, by the way. Many virgins aren't pure. Purity is a state of mind that a non-virgin can reclaim. So basically purity isn't related to the state of one's virginity.

 

[FaithfulServant]

Dictionary dot com defines purity as:

pu·ri·ty
Freedom from sin or guilt; innocence; chastity

And we are all FREE FROM SIN! Christ makes us all pure

God Bless ,

Steffani

 

[desi]

Virginity is an indication of purity. If you can find it keep it and marry the person who holds it in esteem as virginity is a direct indicator of the personality it belongs to.

 

[E-beth]

Actually, in the heat of passion, when you are not thinking about anything but your own desires, you don't think about how it could effect your future. That is why there are unplanned pregnancies, STDs, and morning-after remorse. From experience I can tell you it is better to never even crack the door of sexual behavior open, because it has a way of quickly going beyond the best of intentions.

You bf can't do a thing to change the past. What has been done has been done and you both have to deal with that. If God has forgiven him, then how can you do less? The point is for you to remain virgins with each other, refraining from sexual activity with anyone until the day you are married. You cant regain his innocence for him, and he has to live with the fact that he has robbed both of you of that. Still, it isn't something that can't be overcome. Pray about it...hard! Pray that God helps you forgive, helps him to forgive himself, and for both of you to grow closer and have a great relationship in spite of his past.

 

[mattbox]

If you read all of Boy Meets Girl, Joshua Harris' fiance was not a virgin... and Josh forgave her. All of us have sinned, and one sin isn't less important than another. The Bible says that if you sin in your heart, you have sinned. Who hasn't done that?

If God has forgiven your b/f, than why shouldn't you? Another point Josh makes is that your standards should not be higher than God's...

I hope this helps...

 

[mathias1979]

I don't have time to read the other responses...so I'm not sure if this was covered or not.

In college we had a priest come talk about sexuality and purity. He made an excellent point addressed to those who had lost their virginity who were either regretting it or continued to be sexually active since it really didn't matter any more. The point: If you are truely sorry for your sin and go to confession...guess what? You're no longer a sinner...the slate is wiped clean...it's as if it never happened. So basically...although physically you cannot go back to being a virgin...spiritually speaking, in the eyes of God, you can go back to being a virgin.

I used to think I could never be with a girl if she wasn't a virgin...but then I heard that talk and it kind of opened my eyes. Not long afterwards...I met my current fiance who had lost her virginity to her pervious boyfriend. But remembering what this priest had said, I never really had a problem dealing with that.

-Matt

 

[desi]

The statistics of virgins versus nonvirgins marrying are in and the nonvirgins are found lacking in many ways. I find myself and my wife in the latter group so don't accuse me of acting pious. If you are a virgin and you marry a nonvirgin it is probably not as 'good' as marrying a virgin. Do what you will but do it with opened eyes.

 

[mathias1979]

The statistics of virgins versus nonvirgins marrying are in and the nonvirgins are found lacking in many ways. I find myself and my wife in the latter group so don't accuse me of acting pious. If you are a virgin and you marry a nonvirgin it is probably not as 'good' as marrying a virgin. Do what you will but do it with opened eyes.

I do not think there is any problem as long as the significant other has truely repented for their former actions. If they have, then God has forgotten their sins, so shouldn't we as well? When I got involved with my fiance, after a few months, it was apparent that she 100% regretted her actions with her former boyfriend. But on the other hand, which may be more along the lines of what you were trying to imply, if the person has not truely repented, then their inclinations towards sex could be a stumbling block for the other person involved, and it that case I completely agree with your statement.

-Matt

 

[desi]

But on the other hand, which may be more along the lines of what you were trying to imply, if the person has not truely repented, then their inclinations towards sex could be a stumbling block for the other person involved, and it that case I completely agree with your statement.

-Matt

Exactly! It is not for us to know the truth in another's heart. We are to sum them up by their actions. For different people this means different things. My sister stays with her husband who beats her and cheats on her because he says he loves her, she cheats on him too. People do change, but less often than they say they do.