At a youth ralley in August 2004 the entire group of those attending was prayed over. I was in that group of hundreds of youth. The youth leaders and pastors prayed for the purity of those who wished to be prayed over. They gave us purity bracelets in return for us stepping up and getting prayed for.
Ever since I've wondered if I was truly pure according to God. I had worn my purity bracelet constant up until recently. I only missed a few days of not wearing it. Being the only youth in my group who didn't 1. lose it, 2. give it away, or 3. not wear it at all, I felt quite proud.
To anyone who asked me what it meant, I told them straight out. However, I didn't believe that even though I wore it every day that I was pure.
In the past I've had a few encounters with sexual events. Before I even left elementary I lost my virginity. Hard to believe, but it does happen. At my school it was quite common. We had no idea how serious what we were doing was, nor did we care. We did what we wanted to.
I figured out how wrong it was soon after, and didn't do anything of that sort of a very long time. Before I became a true Christian, (I had only gone to church and participated and prayed without faith previously) I got into a horrible situation. I was extremely depressed, and felt so alone. I got my first ever suspension in school for beating a girl with a chair and telling off a teacher. The girl had broken me down to the point of crying, and I couldn't take it anymore.
I only got a three day suspension, but during that time I lost it. I got even more depressed and wanted to die. I thought of many ways of killing myself, and the one I stuck with was slow and not as obvious as jumping off a bridge.
I decided to slowly stop eating, and no one noticed. I was longing so deeply for attention, and suddenly found myself receiving it. A neighbour who was much older than me invited me over to his house to watch a movie and play video games one evening. I agreed of course.
I went to his house for each day of my suspension, and he asked to do something to me which I did not like. The term he used is to "eat someone out". I told him no, and he said alright, and was very kind about it.
The day after my suspension I went to his house for the last time. He pushed and pushed for what he wanted from me. No matter how many times I said no, he tried harder. He ended up getting his way, without a yes from me.
I left his house in shame, crying and broken. I was positive I should die by this point, and a while later I had almost stopped eating completely. I was down to a few carrot sticks and a drink of juice for lunch. My mom thought it was a phase, the counsellors thought I was just joking around and no one bothered to stop me.
I began talking to people online. One Christian boy and one non-Christian boy. They both told me not to continue doing what I was doing. They convinced me in the long run to quit it, and I did. I started eating again, slowly but surely, I got back to normal.
However, my life didn't get better. My brother, who has tried this before then and has threatened to try again, tried to kill me. No one takes me seriously when I say that, but he did. He swung the biggest knife we own at me, and threatened to do harm to me with it. When he was younger he had thrown knives at my two cousins and I, who were babysitting him.
That day he only ended up scaring me and punching me in the face. I picked up a kitchen chair and put it between us. I managed to get passed him, to go to the phone and call the cops. I dialed 911, and the cops got here after he left the house. We tracked him down and went to the station for an afternoon.
In the long run, it was decided to make him go into foster care. So, for a while he was gone, and I was glad. But he talke dto the cops and convinced them to give him more time with my mom. He had a week at home then a week in foster care. WHere was I when he was home? Foster care.
Because he attacked me, I went to foster care as well. And this was no decent place. They mistreated the children there, hurt them, made them work at the Salvation Army to earn lunch, and much more. I stayed there for a while, and finally got out of that place.
Because of my hardships, most of which I haven't mentioned, I found my way to God. I found my way to that youth ralley, to be prayed over for my purity.
Sometimes I still don't feel pure by definition, but I know I'm pure in God's eyes. I stopped wearing my purity bracelet and tied it to my bible case. I need not show the world that I am pure, even though it is good to tell the few who ask about the bracelet and it's meaning.
I just recently realized that God is the only one that needs to know I'm pure, even though by definition I really am not. I'm not a virgin, I haven't been since before I was nine years old. I am merely pure because of my faith. That I have no doubts about. Even though I don't advertise it, I feel that I have done something good in God's eyes for once.
I've never really told anyone except for my online friends about this, and I plan to discuss it with my youth leader, but I need confidense to do so. I decided to tell you, whoever you are reading this. I wanted to tell someone, but without having the pressure of looking someone in the eyes and saying it.
I've been so ashamed of myself for so long, now I feel better telling someone why.
For those who read this, could you please pray for my strength. I need it to be able to move on and discuss it farther. I wish to feel accepted, even though I've done many wrong things in my past.
Ever since I've wondered if I was truly pure according to God. I had worn my purity bracelet constant up until recently. I only missed a few days of not wearing it. Being the only youth in my group who didn't 1. lose it, 2. give it away, or 3. not wear it at all, I felt quite proud.
To anyone who asked me what it meant, I told them straight out. However, I didn't believe that even though I wore it every day that I was pure.
In the past I've had a few encounters with sexual events. Before I even left elementary I lost my virginity. Hard to believe, but it does happen. At my school it was quite common. We had no idea how serious what we were doing was, nor did we care. We did what we wanted to.
I figured out how wrong it was soon after, and didn't do anything of that sort of a very long time. Before I became a true Christian, (I had only gone to church and participated and prayed without faith previously) I got into a horrible situation. I was extremely depressed, and felt so alone. I got my first ever suspension in school for beating a girl with a chair and telling off a teacher. The girl had broken me down to the point of crying, and I couldn't take it anymore.
I only got a three day suspension, but during that time I lost it. I got even more depressed and wanted to die. I thought of many ways of killing myself, and the one I stuck with was slow and not as obvious as jumping off a bridge.
I decided to slowly stop eating, and no one noticed. I was longing so deeply for attention, and suddenly found myself receiving it. A neighbour who was much older than me invited me over to his house to watch a movie and play video games one evening. I agreed of course.
I went to his house for each day of my suspension, and he asked to do something to me which I did not like. The term he used is to "eat someone out". I told him no, and he said alright, and was very kind about it.
The day after my suspension I went to his house for the last time. He pushed and pushed for what he wanted from me. No matter how many times I said no, he tried harder. He ended up getting his way, without a yes from me.
I left his house in shame, crying and broken. I was positive I should die by this point, and a while later I had almost stopped eating completely. I was down to a few carrot sticks and a drink of juice for lunch. My mom thought it was a phase, the counsellors thought I was just joking around and no one bothered to stop me.
I began talking to people online. One Christian boy and one non-Christian boy. They both told me not to continue doing what I was doing. They convinced me in the long run to quit it, and I did. I started eating again, slowly but surely, I got back to normal.
However, my life didn't get better. My brother, who has tried this before then and has threatened to try again, tried to kill me. No one takes me seriously when I say that, but he did. He swung the biggest knife we own at me, and threatened to do harm to me with it. When he was younger he had thrown knives at my two cousins and I, who were babysitting him.
That day he only ended up scaring me and punching me in the face. I picked up a kitchen chair and put it between us. I managed to get passed him, to go to the phone and call the cops. I dialed 911, and the cops got here after he left the house. We tracked him down and went to the station for an afternoon.
In the long run, it was decided to make him go into foster care. So, for a while he was gone, and I was glad. But he talke dto the cops and convinced them to give him more time with my mom. He had a week at home then a week in foster care. WHere was I when he was home? Foster care.
Because he attacked me, I went to foster care as well. And this was no decent place. They mistreated the children there, hurt them, made them work at the Salvation Army to earn lunch, and much more. I stayed there for a while, and finally got out of that place.
Because of my hardships, most of which I haven't mentioned, I found my way to God. I found my way to that youth ralley, to be prayed over for my purity.
Sometimes I still don't feel pure by definition, but I know I'm pure in God's eyes. I stopped wearing my purity bracelet and tied it to my bible case. I need not show the world that I am pure, even though it is good to tell the few who ask about the bracelet and it's meaning.
I just recently realized that God is the only one that needs to know I'm pure, even though by definition I really am not. I'm not a virgin, I haven't been since before I was nine years old. I am merely pure because of my faith. That I have no doubts about. Even though I don't advertise it, I feel that I have done something good in God's eyes for once.
I've never really told anyone except for my online friends about this, and I plan to discuss it with my youth leader, but I need confidense to do so. I decided to tell you, whoever you are reading this. I wanted to tell someone, but without having the pressure of looking someone in the eyes and saying it.
I've been so ashamed of myself for so long, now I feel better telling someone why.
For those who read this, could you please pray for my strength. I need it to be able to move on and discuss it farther. I wish to feel accepted, even though I've done many wrong things in my past.
