Pure-O , Life as a sick man

[godineedurhelp23]

I have struggled with OCD for many years now. Today I can say that I suffered something so sick and troubling that I wish I was not even here. I know it is troubling to hear, I just dont know what to do. I suffer from "pure-o" OCD, also known as intrusive thoughts. The most troubling ones are sexual thoughts involving my family members, like my mother and my sisters. I dont like the thoughts at all, or find anything about the arousing. I often "connect" things to them even when the subject has nothing to do with them. It all stems from me having addiction to masturbating/porn. I have been masturbating since I was 12,and I have even masturbated to private pictures I found of my mother before (I was 12 at the time, and I imagined the picture was someone else). I "did sexual bad things" with my sister when I was younger. Not full intercourse but close to it (kissing, touching private parts). So these things are what makes it worse.

Now to the recent tragedy. I had a dream last night that my sister performed oral sex on me, and it was so vivid that I woke up in tears. Literally I woke up screaming "please God no God" crying tears of guilt and pain. I never felt so sick in my life. I have avoided my family because of the thoughts I have. When I am around them, I have so much anxiety because I am usually actively trying to block out images or thoughts, sometimes so much to the point that while they are talking I am not paying attention trying to think of something to occupy my mind from the disturbing thoughts. I just want to be normal.

I have never told anyone these things, I stay alone alot. My relationship has crumbled,I "act" happy at work only to come home and be miserable. I seen a professional once and they prescribed me zoloft but I never took them because i was afraid I would be on them for my entire life and I would have to depend on them to feel normal. Plus all he things I read from "discontinue withdrawal" after stopping taking it scared me.I just want to be normal and live a normal life. I know that I have a disease in OCD, and I have a sexual disease. I just want to stop having these thoughts. I want to be able to be around my family and not think about that stuff. I cant get the image from the dream out my head, its gonna haunt me just like the pictures of my mother haunts me and everything else in my sick head. I prayed to God to take me away. Part of me doesnt mean that, but then apart of me does mean it. I havent done anything because I know that God doesnt forgive for suicide. The pain is just too much sometime. What do I do when the thoughts come up? I have tried praying when it happens, its just so difficult dealing with a battle inside my own mind. I just want to be happy again.........

 

[whitebeaches]

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[faithguy917]

I am sorry hear that you are going through tough times mentally..While I have not experience this..I know what it means to have thoughts and problems planted in your mind. I just read..Romans 10 and it has good news on how anyone can be saved. I know that by having the Gift of the holy spirit...you will be able to relax and not have to worry. God makes his presence know. Once you know that God's spirit is present. He will help you overcome. Staying in prayer and giving God praise its important to living a fulfilling life. When you are able to acknowledge specifically whats going on to him in prayer..He will see that you want to live your life in honesty and truth. He loves all. Repent/confess sins and ask for forgiveness. I know this will work bc it works for me and im happiest I have ever been. God bless.

 

[tunnelhckrat]

The thoughts will come. Its not the thoughts that make us sin, its what we do with them. I find that if you resist the devil he will flee. It is not easy, and you may defeat temptation now only to face it again later, possibly even years later.

God be with you