promises in marriage

[archer75]

What do yall think of promises made in marriage? Not the vows at the beginning, but just personal promises made from one partner to the other in a more or less solemn and serious way? Like "I understand this is important to you, therefore I will / won't [do whatever]."

I ask because it's hard for me to get a read on general social attitudes (if there even is any kind of consensus) about this. I can't even tell what stereotypes there are.

It seems to me that promises are important and absolutely must be kept (barring impossibility, illness, that sort of thing). Yet my wife is often surprised that I keep a promise that I made to her before we were married regarding certain house-maintenance stuff. I find it disorienting when she praises me for doing what I said I would do, because to me, if you make a serious promise, you are then obliged to make it part of your personality. If that requires change, then you are promising to change.

But I don't know -- is this some sort of legalistic weirdness on my part? What do you all think of such promises and their "shelf life"?

 

[sfs]

I think it's entirely proper that you keep your promises to your wife. But I also think it's entirely proper for her to praise you for keeping them (though maybe not for being surprised that you did). Doing the right thing is not always easy, and supporting your partner in doing right is part of a good marriage. Part of any good community, for that matter.

 

[Humble me Lord]

Sounds to me like you might just have a considerate wife. We always thank each other for doing everyday things.
I understand what you are saying. I wonder if your wife is predisposed to not expect people in general to keep their promises, like from prior experiences. My wife still has trust issues from her previous marriage, even though we have been happily married for 16 years.

My wife had a laugh when I asked her about this, prefacing it with, us men don't always understand you women, and asked her if maybe she was hinting about asking for praises from you, she laughed and said, us women don't always have ulterior motives.

P.S., reminds me of a joke I heard the other day,
A recent report shows that 25% of women are in treatment for some sort of mental illness, so that means that the other 75% are walking around untreated ......Sorry ladies, just a joke.

 

[PloverWing]

I would take this kind of promise seriously -- only make the promise if I intend to keep it, and keep it if I have made it.

Is your wife genuinely surprised, or is she just being appreciative and praising you? Genuine surprise is odd, if you have given her your word; but I try to pay attention when my husband and kids do chores and thank them for it, even if it's chores they should have been doing anyway, because nobody likes being taken for granted.

 

[Foxfyre]

What do yall think of promises made in marriage? Not the vows at the beginning, but just personal promises made from one partner to the other in a more or less solemn and serious way? Like "I understand this is important to you, therefore I will / won't [do whatever]."

I ask because it's hard for me to get a read on general social attitudes (if there even is any kind of consensus) about this. I can't even tell what stereotypes there are.

It seems to me that promises are important and absolutely must be kept (barring impossibility, illness, that sort of thing). Yet my wife is often surprised that I keep a promise that I made to her before we were married regarding certain house-maintenance stuff. I find it disorienting when she praises me for doing what I said I would do, because to me, if you make a serious promise, you are then obliged to make it part of your personality. If that requires change, then you are promising to change.

But I don't know -- is this some sort of legalistic weirdness on my part? What do you all think of such promises and their "shelf life"?

I think you should accept your wife's praise with a wink and a smile and a hug and be happy that she is paying attention and notices when you do something. Just affirm her remark with something like "you remembered. You're amazing" or some such.

My husband and I have been married for so long I'm pretty sure he no longer remembers anything he promised before we married. But then neither do I so it isn't an issue for us any more.

 

[*LILAC]

I know my husband doesn't remember all of his promises so I don't expect much these days. If he DID... well then, there would be quite a celebration going on!

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

My wifes thinks promises are your word and should never be broken. I think a promise is JUST a word to get someone to say so when they break it or about to, you can guilt them about it. In other words promise means manipulation, which is a sin.

I say this to because its easy to make promises in the here and now. But you never know whats ahead a year from now or even an hour from now. Promises are not easily kept since life changes, people change...etc. I often also say people who are in love with the idea of promises probably watch to many romance movies where everything ends happily ever after. Reality is not like that. Like "I promise to love you forever until the day we die! I'll never give up. I'll always be there for you!"...etc. What if your spouse a year later ends up abusing you? Do you keep your promise and put up with them? Nope.

I sarcastically said to my wife before we married that I promised to give her massages every day for example. She will bring it up and I will get frustrated because she doesn't take care of her body, so it hurts. I'm not going to get massages since they won't do anything because she won't take care of herself right. However I'm not stone cold, I still give her some when shes had a hard day at work.

Also when you make a promise people may twist it later on. Like if you said "I promise to love you forever!", the spouse 5 years later can say "We barely have sex anymore, what happened to loving me forever?". Sex was not the promise, love was. But the person would twist love into meaning anything that makes them happy.

So as you can see promises are messy, dangerous and manipulation/guilt things when things change. So its better to say "I'll love you forever!" since its not a promise. BTW this doesn't mean you will make an excuse not to love them forever or anything. Just means your being realistic and realizing sometimes things change. Also technically by marrying you are promising (even without the words) to make the marriage work and never give up until theres like ZERO chance of moving forward. Though at that point not sure what comes next since I don't believe in divorce.

 

[ValleyGal]

OP, I think your wife appreciates (and is letting you know) having a husband who has the integrity to keep his promise. The Bible says to let your yes be yes, and your no be no. Iow, don't make promises you might not be able to keep, but keep the ones you do make. And let her appreciate you for it.