I have no clue as to what to do about this situation...I have a stepson and my husband only gets to see him every other weekend from 6 on Fri. to 6 on Sun. The problem is that we are trying to raise money to go on a missions trip with the church to Lima, Peru, and we raise the money on various weekends and a lot of the weekends we have him and we leave him and our daughter with my mom all Sat. He continues to tell his dad that he hates him (he's 4), but only because his mom tells him to. We hardly have time to spend time with him, b/c we are trying to raise the money. We don't have the money to just give we barely have enough to get by. He's been telling his mom that we leave him places when we get him, and our lawyer told us that our visitaion could be reduced. The child hates coming to our house anyways b/c we don't let him run wild like his mom does, and he is violent physically and verbally. What would you recommend?
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- Thread starter dd24ck
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I hope I don't come across as harsh, but the question was asked and this is my answer...
From what little info there is in the original post I would recommend spending the weekend with the little boy, not dropping him off somewhere else.
You have to do the best you can with what you've been given. What you've been given is the weekend. Is raising money more important than a 4 year old boy? Do you think he might feel like he's just a big ol' burden???
I sense some hostility between the adults in the boy's life (mom tells him to say "I hate you" and mom lets him run wild). Please, please do not let the little boy bear the burdens and the animosity of his parents! Don't bad-mouth mom. Do what you can with the time you have together and make him feel loved.
From what little info there is in the original post I would recommend spending the weekend with the little boy, not dropping him off somewhere else.
You have to do the best you can with what you've been given. What you've been given is the weekend. Is raising money more important than a 4 year old boy? Do you think he might feel like he's just a big ol' burden???
I sense some hostility between the adults in the boy's life (mom tells him to say "I hate you" and mom lets him run wild). Please, please do not let the little boy bear the burdens and the animosity of his parents! Don't bad-mouth mom. Do what you can with the time you have together and make him feel loved.
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My husband believes that God wants him to go on this trip, and all he says is that God comes first. He is going on this missions trip to minister to the people who do not know God. We are held accountable for the people we do not witness to. Ezekiel 3:18. We feel that no matter what we do this child is already pyschologically damaged, b/c he doesn't know where he is going or coming. Her whole family is just like her.
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Well, I don't have kids, but I agree with lucypevensie. Don't just plop his son with the grandmother and dash off to do fund-raising for your mission trip. I seriously doubt that God wants your husband to neglect his responsibilities as a father just so he can tramp off to the jungles of Peru.
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I think God would want you to be faithful in the seemingly "small" things -- he wouldn't ask you to neglect your family like this. If he wants you to go to Peru - -then he will provide the funds. In the meantime, faithfullness to your step-son is what is needed. What good will it do to spread the gospel in far away jungles, if you are neglecting to impart the love of christ to this little child in your own home? Rember that whatever you do to him -- the least of these -- you do also to Christ.
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I would think that God will provide the money for Peru, if you are faithful and put the little boy first. As hard as it may seem, I think it is best at this time. But only God can tell you what is right, I believe he will convict you of the right thing to do.
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HeatherJay
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I don't want to sound judgemental...forgive me if I do. It makes me so sad that you guys have already written this poor child off as a lost cause. It would be so simple if all children were well behaved and good mannered, wouldn't it? That's just not the case. His bad behavior is a good indication of his inner turmoil. HELP HIM! Love him...let him see your eyes light up when he walks in the room. Make him feel welcome in your home. And don't drop him off at your mother's house. Show him that weekends are his special time to spend with his father who loves him more than life....and that NOTHING (not even missions) is more important than that. There are so many children who, as you said, have no idea whether they're coming or going. How is it right to just give up on those poor little ones? He's 4...4 years old. This is the time in his life where personailities are shaped. The things that happen to him now will affect him as a grown man. He needs a loving father to show him HOW to be a good man.dd24ck said:
I understand that you guys might feel called to do missions work, but be sure that it's the call of the Lord and not an opportunity to escape a bad situation. And I totally agree that if this is truly God's plan for you, He'll provide the funds for you to do it. Maybe the reason you're struggling so much gathering funds is because God wants you to witness to one of His precious little lambs right in your own home first.
My heart aches for this child. How sad for us if our Father gave up on us just because we were 'psychologically damaged', huh? But that isn't how it works. How can you preach about the love of a God who gathers us in His arms and gives us strength to overcome hard times when you have a child in your own home BEGGING for his father to help him and love him. You can say he's physically violent...how else do you expect a 4 year old to process all the hatefulness going on around him? Please forgive me, I don't want to sound like I'm judging you, but blaming his mother and saying that her whole family is just like her...that's not helpful...at all. Instead of putting total blame on the mother, stop to consider that maybe some of that blame falls on his father, who's told his son (not in so many words) that mission trips are more important than he is since he's a lost cause anyway. And I'm sure that you and your husband love that little boy...but the way his father is treating him is no more right than the way his mother is treating him.
Prayers for you and that precious little boy.
Love, Heather
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We have not told him anything but that we love him. He doesn't know that we would like to go on the missions trip. I really do blame his mother, cause when he is with us we show him love and we do family things, but everytime we want to do something with him he tells us we have to ask his mom cause she told him that he isn't allowed to do anything while he's at our house. He gets upset when we tell him no or have to put him in time out for his anger, and all he says is that his mom wouldn't do this to him and he wants to go home. Just understand that we show him love, but we only see him 4 times a month.
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dd24ck said:
This thread is weighing heavily on my heart too. I almost think you and your husband have given up already. I can't imagine that God will bless your endeavors in Peru if you are not actively tending to the small soul who is in your life NOW. I hear that you are showing him love -- but he is not feeling loved if he is dropped off at grandma's house everytime he visits. The 4 times a month that you see him should be *all about* him and his Dad. It should be precious time for them.
Of course he is angry. I don't understand the need to punish him for his anger. It would be much more productive to teach him acceptable ways to express his anger, and to listen to what he has to say. Putting him on time-out will not make his anger go away -- it will make it worse. Being angry does not make him a bad kid. The way he expresses his anger may need some coaching, but please don't ignore his anger. He needs to be heard. And of course he cries for his mother and feels miserable when he is punished at your house. He sees you 4 times a month -- he doesn't have the relationship with you or your husband that would normally allow a child to feel safe and secure throughout the experience of a disciplinary measure.
He is only 4 years old, and his mother is his primary caregiver. Of course he is going to feel nervous about doing things without her. Why not just call and let him ask her permission for your family activities -- let him speak to her so that he feels reassured. He feels displaced and fragile, and no wonder.
If I were in your shoes, I would be asking my husband to question his own motives regarding missionary work. Is he truly seeking to obey God, or is he seeking trying to hard to be "great" in God's Kingdom? Because the way to greatness in God's kingdom is directly via. the smallest and most fragile among us.
I'm sorry to come accross as so harsh, but my heart is breaking just thinking about this situation. It is a *huge* problem, that requires a very concerted effort at solving by your husband.
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lucypevensie said:
lp, this is wonderful advice. Very nicely said.
Evening Mist said:
Again, nicely said. Good advice. I think some people get so hung up on what they think God wants or what they think God has made them responsible for that they lose sight of what He tells us we are truly responsible.
dd24ck said:
Huh? What do you mean by this?
God bless
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Stop putting him off on your mother. That is wrong. During the visits his father should spend time with him instead of seeking money for whatever reason. His visits are not mere daycare to give the mother a break. Since his father does not willingly recognize and carry out his duties you should see that he does as it is his duty as a father, whether or not he gets along with the child's mother. If his father fails to help raise this boy his life will likely turn out badly and your husband will be largely at fault. Jackie Kennedy once said 'If you don't raise your children right nothing else you do matters much.'dd24ck said:
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I read most of the post briefly and from what I have seen I echo and thats a very big echo to what i seen the other posters post. I have 7 children so I may know a thing or two. Also as a person who never knew his father I think that it is a mistake to put the boy off on those weekends. And as others have said the boy comes first he is the priority not lima peru In my lifetime I have neglected important things (my wife) thinking that God wanted me to do this and that, I believe now over the years God wants my family to come first they are my first and foremost ministry ( hate that word )
BlessingsMDE
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I don't know if I'm reading your posts the right way or even that I have post things the right way, but he does see his son he is not a bad husband or father we have a daughter of our own. He would only leave him for a couple of hours that's all. It's real hard to satisfy a child who his being told to hate us (he told us his mama told him to) and cries and throws tantrums and real mean to our daughter and animals. That's all, I'm sorry if I made any one think that he just doesn't care.
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