Problem with approach anxiety, any help?

[mindfulness]

I posted this in the singles forum, but no one seemed to have anything to say so I thought I'd ask here. It's not really a "bible" topic itself, but it is something I am always looking for advice on how to deal with.

I find I can carry on a conversation with someone of the opposite gender just fine, even if I am attracted to her, but I have a problem when it comes to making that initial first approach. If I am introduced by friends, or through some other social means, I'm golden. But if I have to make a cold approach with nothing to go by, I freeze up and fear grips me, and I often chicken out.

How do I overcome this problem? It's definitely hampering my dating life! I am so afraid of looking foolish, as it's usually in a public setting, and I don't want to come across as a creep, desperate or a perv either, so it's tricky doing it at all, which usually leads to me talking myself out of making an initial approach. Even if I'm getting a "she likes me" or is "making eyes at me" vibe, I still freeze up and can't bridge the gap and break the ice. I've been in relationships before, but none came about through me approaching a strange girl or woman, ever. But as I've gotten older, I don't have as many opportunities to meet girls through other means, so this is important for me to fix. Anyone have any good advice for me here? Anyone deal with the same problem? Have you overcome it? If so, how did you do so?

 

[Life2Christ]

I don't have any real advice for you but I read a lot of secular dating forums and many guys talk about the same issue so it is a universal problem.

 

[BFine]

I know some shy guys and most of them either get someone
to set up the first introduction (with the girl they are interested in.)
...or they will communicate with the girl by way of notes and or flower/flowers.

 

[TamaraLynne]

I have had an experience before when a guy tried to make it out that he had lots of money...he got on his phone and I believe he carried on a fake conversation about a vacation he was just on....then he sent me flowers at work and some music cd's....with me....this is the wrong approach.

I think BFine is right as far as sending flowers....but a girl wants to know those flowers are from someone she thinks can be a friend...honest...fun....

I had lots of brothers so for me to talk with guys is no problem at all...if a guy comes up to me and starts talking about something directly involved in that moment...like lets say the church service is over and food is being prepared and served....if you feel something is really good(food) then go up to her and ask her if she tried it(the certain food item you liked)If you are outside and you see a squirrel ....maybe strike up a conversation about the sqirrel and ask her what her favorite animal is....go slow...be true to yourself...send flowers after you have made a connection....

But thats just how I work....as far as what worked for me...do not be afraid!!!!!

 

[Diatogen]

As a strong introvert, I have the same fear. Witnessing is especially stressful!

Just remember that the majority of people are extroverts. They LIKE talking to people, even strangers! When I'm in a store, I don't want anyone to say hi or start any small talk. The problem is, I think that's what everyone else thinks when I approach them. That's not true!

The next person you want to talk to, imagine them thinking when they see you, "Wow I really wish he'd come over and talk to me." ...and do them a favor!

 

[mindfulness]

As a strong introvert, I have the same fear. Witnessing is especially stressful!

Just remember that the majority of people are extroverts. They LIKE talking to people, even strangers! When I'm in a store, I don't want anyone to say hi or start any small talk. The problem is, I think that's what everyone else thinks when I approach them. That's not true!

The next person you want to talk to, imagine them thinking when they see you, "Wow I really wish he'd come over and talk to me." ...and do them a favor!

Fortunately, you're married so your search if you will, is over.

About half of people are introverts actually. I'm in the middle, though I can definitely be an extravert if I need to be. But when it comes to approaching women that I do not know, that is another story entirely. That's the problem.

I could think that way, but I'm not sure if I'm being honest with myself. I don't want to lie to myself. I feel generally like I am bothering someone of the opposite sex if I am just randomly striking up a conversation with her or approaching her out of the blue. How do I overcome that?

 

[SamsoniteBaggage]

I posted this in the singles forum, but no one seemed to have anything to say so I thought I'd ask here. It's not really a "bible" topic itself, but it is something I am always looking for advice on how to deal with.

I find I can carry on a conversation with someone of the opposite gender just fine, even if I am attracted to her, but I have a problem when it comes to making that initial first approach. If I am introduced by friends, or through some other social means, I'm golden. But if I have to make a cold approach with nothing to go by, I freeze up and fear grips me, and I often chicken out.

How do I overcome this problem? It's definitely hampering my dating life! I am so afraid of looking foolish, as it's usually in a public setting, and I don't want to come across as a creep, desperate or a perv either, so it's tricky doing it at all, which usually leads to me talking myself out of making an initial approach. Even if I'm getting a "she likes me" or is "making eyes at me" vibe, I still freeze up and can't bridge the gap and break the ice. I've been in relationships before, but none came about through me approaching a strange girl or woman, ever. But as I've gotten older, I don't have as many opportunities to meet girls through other means, so this is important for me to fix. Anyone have any good advice for me here? Anyone deal with the same problem? Have you overcome it? If so, how did you do so?

Yes, I have that very same problem, I am extremely shy and introverted.


I pursued women vigorously and relentlessly before I was married, but when it came to actually doing stuff like asking them out or being with them alone in a dating environment I froze up with performance anxiety.


My wife says that oysters help with that, if you stick to a diet of it, but she is Japanese and superstitious.


For me, it just always required the woman being brave and bold and smart and setting up the context correctly.


Alone, in a "friend" environment, like watching a movie together as "just friends" at a hotel room, is a good environment. Or, if she asks you to her place or something like that, just cloud your mind and pretend it is "friends only" or "we are only just looking for an apartment", and such things as this.

If she likes you, she will give you an "in", and maybe even make the first move.

 

[brinny]

I posted this in the singles forum, but no one seemed to have anything to say so I thought I'd ask here. It's not really a "bible" topic itself, but it is something I am always looking for advice on how to deal with.

I find I can carry on a conversation with someone of the opposite gender just fine, even if I am attracted to her, but I have a problem when it comes to making that initial first approach. If I am introduced by friends, or through some other social means, I'm golden. But if I have to make a cold approach with nothing to go by, I freeze up and fear grips me, and I often chicken out.

How do I overcome this problem? It's definitely hampering my dating life! I am so afraid of looking foolish, as it's usually in a public setting, and I don't want to come across as a creep, desperate or a perv either, so it's tricky doing it at all, which usually leads to me talking myself out of making an initial approach. Even if I'm getting a "she likes me" or is "making eyes at me" vibe, I still freeze up and can't bridge the gap and break the ice. I've been in relationships before, but none came about through me approaching a strange girl or woman, ever. But as I've gotten older, I don't have as many opportunities to meet girls through other means, so this is important for me to fix. Anyone have any good advice for me here? Anyone deal with the same problem? Have you overcome it? If so, how did you do so?

Get your mindset off yourself. Get your focus on "outside' yourself. Learn it and ask God to help you. He will. Look for interesting things about others, and start there, or what you feel at ease talking about. Keep it light and jovial and use the humor (subtle here) in a situation, etc. Learn to be yourself out there. That is a blessing to others. In turn it will bless you. Ask God to open up your mind to see others in a new light.....one that shows that they have needs, fears, and need a friendly, warm ear. ask God to develop you into being this kind of blessing. He will sooooo do this, and you will wonder where this wunnerful person has been all yer life LOL!

Seriously, God develops each of us to be a blessing to others, and consequently to ourselves. Also, share what you are passionate about.

I used to be shy and introverted to the extreme...but God showed me that that's not who i really was nor who i was born to be. He released me from a prison, so to speak, and i grew wings....for me butterfly-like eagle's wings. He is sooooo GOOD! Trust our GOOD Shepherd, brother.

Lifting you up to our Abba (Father)

 

[timf]

But if I have to make a cold approach with nothing to go by, I freeze up and fear grips me, and I often chicken out.

There is a movie line from the movie "New Leaf" in which the protagonist says, "I can engage in any romantic activity with an urbanity borne of disinterest".

If you demonstrate eagerness, you will probably cause the target of your enthusiasm to shy away. This is a natural because since you do not know the other person it is questionable as to why you are eager.

If you are fearful of rejection, it may be that you do not fully appreciate the value of rejection. Consider the worst case of rejection where someone you approached stands up on a table and announces to everyone that you dared approach them and laughs at you. In this situation a good response is, "I can't tell you how much I appreciate your showing me what you are like before I wasted time and money".

The main reason for the awkwardness in talking to new people is that it is unnatural. The two best ways to meet people are through friends and family or through church where you have a common frame of reference and experience upon which to build.

If you keep in mind that living by yourself for the rest of your life is much better than living with a mistake, it can take off some of the pressure you feel. If you look at meeting new people as a process of gaining information from which to make a decision, you may feel less pressure to "close a deal" or "make an impression".

Even if it is awkward, bumbling, hesitant, or even comical, it is better to be yourself.

 

[Life2Christ]

This thread reminds me of the confident married man who goes around picking up girls. They tell the girls they are single or going through a divorce. The girls eat the bait. Yet good single men are wondering what they are doing wrong. Its about confidence and for some, its easy to be confident when you already have a significant other in the background. Its a crazy game.

 

[mindfulness]

Confidence goes a long way. I'm normally pretty confident, except for the initial approach.