problem child

[SweetAngel23]

How do you deal with a problem child that is not yours? I'm taking care of my niece while her mother....gets her life back. She doesn't help at all, and her little girl is just bad at school, she is failing 1st grade plus she's always gets bad marks, nothing I do works, I try everything from spankings to going to the corner. But she still acts bad at school, she also keeps lying to me, everything that comes out of her month is a lie. No one is helping and she keeps crying for her daddy who is busy getting high.

 

[jsimms615]

How do you deal with a problem child that is not yours? I'm taking care of my niece while her mother....gets her life back. She doesn't help at all, and her little girl is just bad at school, she is failing 1st grade plus she's always gets bad marks, nothing I do works, I try everything from spankings to going to the corner. But she still acts bad at school, she also keeps lying to me, everything that comes out of her month is a lie. No one is helping and she keeps crying for her daddy who is busy getting high.

Have you tried talking to her teachers at school? What do they recommend? Sounds like she is acting out and maybe seeking some attention from her behavior. Be patient with her. I'm sure deep, deep down she is a good kid.

 

[bliz]

For starters, stop spanking her! You are not her parent, and as you have already said, it isn't working.

This girl's world has been turned inside out, upside down and backwards. And she is probably more than a little angry at life in general. Show her healthy ways to express her anger - drawing how she feels, talking about it, she talks and you write it down for her.

Just plan on her taking 1st grade over again - it's no big deal, lots of kids need to do it for lots of reasons. It has probably been very hard for her to focus on and learn anything this past year, plus, I would imagine she wasn't eating very well before she came to be with you.

Do you hug her often? Do you tell her that you love her?
Do you demonstrate that love for her by enjoying who she is? If you aren't feeling any of that, ask God to change your heart and show you want to do.

 

[Katydid]

The very FIRST thing you need to do is build TRUST. For a while you need to stop punishing her. Not stop discipling, but stop punishing. She has obviously been raised this way. She is acting out what she has been taught by her parents, this is how they act, so this is how she is going to act. Start TEACHING her how to behave. Explain to her WHY lying is not helpful. And if she knows that she will not be spanked or isolated (which being seperated from her parents is enough isolation) then perhaps she will be more willing to open up to you.

Have you sat down with her and helped her with her school work? Sit down and explain WHY learning is important, why she needs to know these things.

Have you sat down and asked her why she is acting out at school? Without just threatening to punish her for her actions? She needs to know that you are trustworthy BEFORE you can make any progress with her.

Have you gotten her into a counselor? She will need that. She needs to be helped through this, she needs someone to teach her proper behavior and help her through the overwhelming emotions she is feeling.

If your mother left you, if your father was more interested in getting high than taking care of you, you would act badly too. You would want to scream and cry and throw things to get them to see you. Yet, because you are older, because you have been taught properly, you don't. She is a child who is hurting and punishing her for being in pain is wrong.


I am not saying that this child should be left to her own judgement or that you shouldn't correct her behavior, but spanking for bad grades is just logical. Spanking for lying NEVER WORKS! I have yet to see a case, with even an emotionally healthy child where spanking for lying works. It creates more lying because the child is afraid to tell the truth.

So, some practical solutions....

Sit down with her after school each day and help her with her school work.

Discuss her school and find out what is happening each day and give her tools to help when she gets upset at school. To do this, you need to find out what is motivating her behavior.

Don't set her up to lie. Don't ask, "did you spill the milk on the floor?" When you KNOW she spilled milk on the floor. Say, "honey, you spilled milk, now you need to clean up the mess, here are some paper towels."

Take any physical punishment out, as she has been hurt emotionally enough already. She doesn't need physical pain to go with that.

 

[RoseofLima]

Help her to feel loved...figure out her love language and love the crap out of her. She probably has lots of hurts and wounds from her life already. Set clear boundaries- but enforce them with gentleness.

 

[SweetAngel23]

her parent gave me permisson, do to what I want. they don't care, they just tell her lies that they gonna give her tons of money and toys. I have done all you mention, she will be good til she sees or talks to her parents, then she rebels.

she was eating well, she is a fat kid.
I tell her I love her and hug her and kiss her everyday
but I can't control how her parents hurt her.
I know thats why she's being bad, I try to talk to her but it still hurts her.

I don't spank her much because its not really painful, my hands are really tiny and soft.
she will be with her mom in june.

 

[LivingHope]

Im sorry, but you dont sound like you care for this child very much

She just went through more than any kid should have to in a lifetime. She doesnt feel loved, she's angry (and rightfully so!) she probably has never been worked with or taught things (respect, appropriate behavior, morals, values, not to mention education!)

Is she seeing a counselor? If not, you need to get her one ASAP. Have her go alone and then you go with her.

It has been my experience that once a child feels loved, secure, builds trust, and is taught morals and respect, that they will show that in their behavior. If they were never taught not to lie, they simply dont know that its wrong. Children learn what they live.

Even if her parents (who obviously are not good parents) gave you permission, the LAST thing I would do is hit her, and if you think that spanking doesnt hurt, even by the smallest hand, I hate to break it to you, it does. All that is going to do is tear down that poor girls spirit even more at this point.

Talk to the school, find out if they can set her up with a tutor., someone who can find out what skills she has, and build upon that. Im thinking that she is acting out not only because she doesnt know any different, but because she is frustrated about not understanding things at school.

If all else fails... bring her here!

 

[HeatherJay]

Stop spanking her! Whether her parents (who obviously have poor judgement to begin with ) gave you permission or not!

Stop putting her down (whether you do it to her face or not).

Stop blaming her for her parents' bad choices.

She's hurting. Just love her and make sure she knows it.

This poor child is the innocent victim here.

 

[SweetAngel23]

I do care for her, and people shouldn't judge my heart, I'm not a mother I'm barely an Adult, I really love my niece and I think its sad for people to judge me and say I don't. I DON'T PUT HER DOWN, OR BLAME HER FOR MY PARENTS mistakes. I TREAT HER ALOT better then anyone else! I make sure she gets loved, food and you know what? she doesn't complain about me once, she says I'm her best friend. Unlike her grandparents and the other adults I try to help her understand what is happening and why this and that. I do care about her, I love her alot. Just sometimes I mess up, I'm not perfect, I do the best I can. I'm getting help from my mother, but she's going through menopaus and is cranky, I'm the only one this child has, I'm the only one who cares. I don't blame her for anything. I HAVE NEVER PUT HER DOWN, Please, don't put words in my mouth and accuse me of things I don't do, you don't know me, so don't judge me.

 

[SweetAngel23]

sorry, for blowing up, I just got a little hurt, I'm trying to be the best person I can be with her, I'm trying really hard.

 

[purpleunicorn_Andi]

my heart goes out to both you and her. it sounds to me like you are trying your best. just continue to be there for her, and let her know that even when she goes back with her mom ( I am wondering if that is a good idea at all to begin with...) that you are there if she needs you. Pray daily for her, and her parents. pray for healing for all of you and for understanding... when she starts to lie, before you react ask God for the words to say...

 

[Evangelina]

It's really hard to be saddled with such a huge responsibility so suddenly *hug* Especially when you've never had to look after a child fulltime... let alone a majorly hurting one

So... is counselling an option? Honestly, it sounds as though a trained counsellor who specialises in children would help her a lot. She needs to know how to work through all the emotions she's trying to deal with, and you probably don't have all the knowledge you'd need to help her yourself. Try getting in contact with your nearest AlAnon (for friends and family of addicts) or Narcotics Anonymous and ask what resources are available to you. There might be support groups, or counsellors who provide free or minimal-cost counselling.

Books? Boundaries With Kids (Cloud and Townsend) and Five Love Languages of Children (Chapman) might help you out?

 

[SweetAngel23]

Yes, This kid has been through heck, and doesn't really understand. She also has no friends at all, it hurts me, We go to the park and play alot to make her feel better. She can get help at school for free.

 

[indagroove]

This is sad. We know exactly what you are going through. Right now, her parents are detrimental to her development. This is where she gets screwed up for life. She is very confused,angry, and sad. She is feeling abandonded. She also has no tools to deal with it. SO do not expect her to descibe what she feels. But I am sure you can see it everytime the parents come around, and then go away.

The reality is, either you need to get the parents sign over parental rights, or she goes to child youth services. I am a believer in families taking care of their own, but the childs welfare comes first. This environment with random exposure to the parents is not healty, if not downright destructive. The child is not feeling secure in anyway, and she needs to feel secure.

You are in a very tough spot. You have taken in a child that may be there for another 12 years. Can you handle that?

Child welfare come first. What you are trying to do is great, but is it enough?

You need professional advice.

 

[cutie76]

Hi SweetyAngel,

It sounds like you really love this little girl and for this season of your life she is in your care.

I believe there are many factors here that must be addressed. Allow me to share this scripture with you:

Ephesians 6:10-18

10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

Remember that there is a spiritual side to this whole thing too. Not just the physical part.

Of course you should do your part to love and discipline this little girl in the natural. For now, you are acting as a parent/guardian to her.

However, more importantly, take this little girl and her family to prayer!! Allow the Lord to soften her heart. Interceed on her behalf. Pray over her when she is asleep and her spirit is calm.

Do you realize that the enemy has probably had a field day with this little girl? From what you are saying her parents have given the enemy a written formal invitation into their family and you (and the family) are feeling the affects.

You must fight FOR this girl, not fight AGAINST her.

If you want to yell, yell at the enemy!! Use the name of Jesus and kick him out of your home!! If you are anger, get anger at the enemy. If you don't know what to do, then ask God for His wisdom.

This little girl needs someone to speak blessings over her.

Go through the Bible and find out what God says about her and start speaking it out in prayer and to her - you will begin to cancel the bad stuff that has gone on in the past.

Your prayer position (on your knees) is a powerful position. I tell you that without allowing Christ to be the Head of your home and family and to be in charge here you will be fighting a loosing battle and end up with some battle wounds too.

There are lots of scriptures that you can find in Psalms and the New Testiment. You don't need to preach to her, that's not the point. How does God love you? Love her in that way too.

You may not be able to fix everything at this time, but you can plant seeds of faith in this girl that will reap a harvest later in her life.

God Bless you!!

 

[becstar77]

okay.... I am going to share a slightly different perspective that may help you... It is the view point of a child..

It comes from personal experience and to this day I still can't share without becoming slightly choked up in emotions.

My parents divorced when I was a baby. I grew up with my Mum and at the age of 5 with my step dad too (who I called and looked to as a Dad but was abusive to us both). My Mum separated from my step dad when I was nine.

I had seen my biological father when I was four for a one day visit as we travelled around Australia but other than that I had no contact with him up until the age of nine.

My father lived interstate and when I was nine he sent me a teddy bear and a letter. I remember some of the letter saying that he would have me come and visit him and we could go sailing on a boat he was building.

When I turned 10 Dad came to stay with us for a week for my birthday - we bonded well and had a great time.

When I was 11 I went to stay with him and his girlfriend interstate for christmas - it was about 4 weeks... We bonded well - I met my Aunty and cousins and grandparents on his side of the family.

When I was 12 (due to illness of my Mum) I went to live with my Dad... I hated him, I hated his girlfriend (who I had previously got on well with) I hated my mum for "making me live with him"

Dad and his girlfirend were giving me everything that they could have.... food, place to stay BUT I was not connected to them.. even at the age of 12 whilst I understood it was not possible for Mum to have me because of illness, I STILL took this on as me... (I must have done something wrong etc) and I hated the adults around me responsible for the decision that created my misery.

I was terribly homesick - I had been uprooted and moved interstate and people expected that I should be okay with that and why wasn't I grateful?

I lied, I sabotaged "fun" events, I became very secretive... That was how I survived..

It sounds like the only difference between me and this little girl that you are looking after is that I was 6years older than her...

Soo how to help.

I would NOT cut her parents off from her... no matter how much we see parents a "bad" influence on the a child- guaranteed the child will not see it the same way and if you try and remove them from her life you will become the enemy... INSTEAD explain to her parents that random visits don't seem to be doing too good. Tell them you believe that she needs regular times of visits.. say once a fortnight? and perhaps Wednesday afternoon phonecall at 4pm? Whatever it is make it ROUTINE

when you notice her "pining" for her Dad, tell her you understand how much she loves her Daddy... and perhaps you and she could make a card to give to Dad when she next sees him to tell him how much she loves him... Its imprortant you recognise the relationshnips in her life that mean alot to her.

I've seen it written before but Please find an alternate to smacking this child.... When a sick child is in hospital and needs a needle or a drip etc.... they are terrified and kick and scream and are not compliant - Nurses don't spank.... 1)because they are not allowed to 2) there is an understanding that this hurting afraid child will be pushed further away and made more scared by a hospital if its staff were to smack aswell.... YOU are the hopsital and this little girl is "sick"

I would over emphasise anything good that this child does.. if you ask her to help you set the table and she gets up to help.. straight away "Thats such a great help, thankyou xxxxx" etc.... the more you praise the good - even the littleist thing you may find that her "good" behaviour is what starts to come out more often than not.

try and create some normality in this child's life... its common 1st grade kids don't have friends and if they do they change frequently... Help facilitate a few friendships by arranging play dates with class mates.. you could do this by writing a note with your contact details to be sent home with the child she would like to invite to a local park etc... Don't expect that straight away a parent will let you take their child but make it an invitation to a parent and a child. Ask for your niece's involvment in this... ask "If you could have someone home to play, who would you choose"

A sport is a good way to facilitate friendships aswell as great for exercise and natural endorphines (help with depression etc)... again ask for her input.. perhaps she may like horseriding or something similar....

Don't assume that because she is (in your words) "fat" that she was well fed... cheap foods such as white bread and biscuits etc pile on weight as well as high sugar foods such as coke etc... It may be that she has lived on a glass of coke and a peanut butter sandwhich for dinner because it was cheap and easy to make Either way ensure that she is getting a balanced diet....

Keep up the Hugs - you are doing a great thing with them!!

speak to her teachers and see what ideas they can offer you... let them know you are her carer and trying to address the behavioural problems and they are most welcome to speak with you should they have any ideas or concerns.

Do seek professional help.

*hugs* you are doing a great Job.

 

[HeatherJay]

I HAVE NEVER PUT HER DOWN

her little girl is just bad at school, she is failing 1st grade plus she's always gets bad marks

everything that comes out of her month is a lie

she is a fat kid

I wasn't putting words in your mouth...I was going strictly by what you typed in this thread.

 

[beccasmommy]

I have gone through the same thing. I had my nephew who is 9 months younger than my DD and I had a really hard time with him. He would do things just to make me angry because he got attention from it. He would bite, spit and hit my children, he was alos not potty trained at the age of 4yrs(he knew when he had to go but no one ever made him use the toilet)so he would purposly poop on my floor(take his pants off and leave a stamy pile) I just loved him, yes he got in trouble but I was very diligent in telling him why he was in trouble and made him accountable for things that he had done.