Primal Scream...

[bostonlass]

I wish I had a sound proof room that I could go into now and then and just scream my ever-living lungs out!!!

As some of you may know...I am a single mom of two daughters who are 8 and 9 years old. As if the house weren't feminine enough I also have a female cat.

Lately..........the older dumpling has been an emotional basketcase and it's driving me absolutely nuts!!!!! She cries at the drop of a hat. Just as an example, tonight I picked them up and we went to Staples to get supplies for her science project. Well the 8 year old wanted something too so I said ok. That ticked the 9 year old off 'cause she's just getting supplies for a school project, not for fun......SO....to even things out (seems like I'm forever evening things out) I told the 8 year old she cannot get anything for fun at Staples but instead we'll shoot over to the bookstore after we're done and get her book that she needs for her book report. Things were silent and I made the big mistake of looking in the rear view mirror. My 9 year old had tears streaming down her face. Apparently that wasn't fair either. Mind you this is all occuring between 5 and 6 pm and no one has eaten supper yet.

Now we're home, Wendy's kid meals in hand because I have the patience of a flea at this point and am not even going to try to cook dinner since it's like 6:15pm. After they eat we sit down and look at the directions of the science project. I go through it with the 9 year old in very basic terms and I put the stuff in little ziploc baggies for her to bring into school along with wicked simple instructions that she should follow with her project buddy when they are in their aftercare class. (note: project buddy's doing diddly squat so far since her parents don't speak a lick of English) Tears start streaming down her face again. Apparently it's too confusing and she ain't graspin' the concept of what she needs to do........she wonders why she's only doing the experiment and not the entire report tomorrow. I explain that we need to do things methodically and wait for results to occur before writing a report on them but it's just not hittin' home. I pack the stuff with instructions in her bag and promise to call the aftercare teacher and ask her to please help.

Then comes the bath. Apparently the temperature was not hot enough for the 9 year old princess. Tears once more because it's not perfect. I ask if she wants me to run more hot water and she solemnly shakes her head no. Fine. Bath is done and it's time for lunch to be packed......she looks at what I've packed and more tears come because she doesn't understand why Megan, the 8 year old has three more blueberries in her snack baggie than she does. I put one from Megan's bag into Emily's and eat the third, making all right.

Now the clothes for tomorrow. Apparently there is a shirt that matches her pink plaid capris perfectly and I'm not gettin' which one it is. I have no idea if it's at her dad's house and I"m not about to go down cellar to start looking for it. Tears again.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[selune]

After screaming, which is a great stress relief , maybe think of putting her in charge of more of her things. She picks out her clothes, she helps make her lunch (heck the girls could trade off on the lunch each day and save you some time--remind them that they need to be fair because if they aren't the other may not be fair the next day...) Have them help make dinners too. That will take more time, but with some planning before, it will give them needed skills and time with Mom. Have you asked her what gets her so upset? She may need a good heart to heart. Best wishes!

 

[Katydid]

Ok, I know how you feel, though mine are younger we have similar problems. I learned a phrase from my mother, that I hated at the time, but it is so true. Now my children know the phrase.....


Life isn't fair


Truly, it isn't. That is something they need to learn now, or when they are grown and find it out the hard way, you won't be there to even them up.

I second the fact that your 9 year old should go ahead and start picking out her own outfits, with your assistance if necessary, but give her that to do. She and the 8 year old could make their own lunches.

As far as the tears. Ignore them. Simple as that, ignore them. If she wants to cry, that is fine, but you cannot give in or react to them. Unless, she is crying for a real tragedy or problem, do not show any reaction. This is typical of girls, it is called emotional manipulation. She is trying to do things her way, get what she wants, keep life fair, otherwise she is going to cry about it and make everyone feel bad.

By the way, if she is going to cry over bath water, switch her to showers. Let her run the water herself, and then, she can only cry to herself. My 8 year old got switched to showers because I got tired of arguing with him over baths. Now, we never argue about that.

As many of the things as you can put into HER realm of responsibility, will limit the tears that you have to deal with. You being a single mom, you need to entrust them with some of the cares of the day. This will help you out. If they make their own lunches, give themselves showers, pick out their own clothes, make their own breakfast, clean up certain parts of the house, learn to do the laundry, etc etc etc. Think of how much free time you will have. How much less they will argue with you, because they can make the cheese sandwich instead of PB&J.

Oh, and for the science thing, let her write the report, THEN, when the results are different from what she wrote ahead of time, she will then be responsible for REWRITING the report. She will learn the theory behind expirementation from trial and error. This is the hardest and longest way to learn, but it also happens to be the most effective.


Now, you can do what we do and go into the backyard with your girls and scream at the top of your lungs. We do this, and our neighbors think we are nuts, but who cares.

 

[BeanMak]

Excellent advise. Plus, it is time for the "your body is changing" talk. Sometimes the water works is due to hormone changes. If she hasn't been a cryer before, she might not understand why she is feeling so blue.

But I agree with Katy, ignore the tears. You can't make life fair, plus one of the kids will always feel, no matter what you do, that the other has gotten more, better, "funner" etc. It is human nature and so use it as a great learning time for having a servant heart.
I am a single mom, a widow when the kids were 10 and 12. NOTHING I could do would ever make life fair after it took their father. One or the other was always complaining... I just made a joke, "hey, I love your brother better, get over it" It didn't matter who I was talking to... lol

 

[bostonlass]

Excellent advise. Plus, it is time for the "your body is changing" talk. Sometimes the water works is due to hormone changes. If she hasn't been a cryer before, she might not understand why she is feeling so blue.

This is definitely part of it. I cannot wait until they have their physicals next month!!! (they are 361 days apart so they are a lot like twins in many ways).

I have had heart to hearts with her and she quite honestly doesn't know why she cries so much at times. She's definitely not clinically depressed since there are days when she is just hunky dory. I know manipulation tears and although I may be missing the boat on this one.....I really don't think that's all of it. Perhaps 30% of it is her trying to get her own way...I won't render her guiltless, but there is definitely some physical stuff, i.e. hormones going on in my opinion.

She's also started to "smell like pepper" (those are her words) under her arms and she's beginning to have cramps that she can't alleviate by going to the bathroom. Certain other things are starting as well so I guess this is the start of something. I've purchased deoderant for teens for her and even got a pack of panty liners in case it happens sooner rather than later, but she's just turned 9 so it's like OH MY!!!

I know how to deal with *my* mood swings, I don't think the cat has any so now I"m going to just have to maneuver around the girls. I soooooo wish there were a man around the house to bring some logic and reason into these situations but I'm very grateful that you all are here!!!!

 

[Gandalf1960]

I don't know if this is for mother's only or not...but my hat is off to all of you single mothers ...I live with three females (wife and two early teen daughters...fortunately, the dog is male, but sometimes I think he is transgendered...lol); if I was a single parent...there are days when at the end of it all there would be two shallow graves in the back yard and I'd be living on the opposite coast under an assumed identity ...lol. Not really, I love my daughters, but they can be a handful, even when there are two around. You've gotten some sound advice...life is not fair...this time it's your turn...JAS...try helping them to see life from your side...let them know how you are "feeling"..."I have no help and I'm needing some"..."Can you help me here...", giving them some responsibility beyond past experiences can raise their maturity level...a little risky on your part, might have a mess to clean up and you might have to bite your tongue on some things...but some times, once they have made some mistakes...they aren't as hard or demanding on you. Again, my humblest respect and honour to you and those in your situation. My prayers are with you.

 

[JimfromOhio]

I remember when my kids were very young and screaming. I just turn off my hearing-aids and enjoy the quietness !!! he he

 

[CynthiaSpeaks]

Hmmmm.... Drama for the mama, as my cousin calls it. Not teasing you, just trying to give you a giggle during those frustrating times.

I hate to say this, but could it be hormonal? At nine, she could be gearing up to start her period. I know, really young, right? Well, that was about the time my daughter started crying all the time. She even told me she can't stop crying over nothing. It was two years before she started her period.

Another thing to look at is school. My daughter started having melt downs frequently, but kept telling me everything was fine. Come to find out she was being teased to the extreme by a kid at school. I found out after that that school can be a really difficult place to be for kids.

Poor girl. Poor you! It's so frustrating.

 

[Hisrosebud]

sweetcaroline,

I was a single parent for 12 years, when I read your post I started to hyperventilate from the feelings of stress from those days. (and I had a boy--not the same pre-puberty issues). The absolute chaos of just moving from one task (work- to picking up the child- to getting school supplies, has anyone remembered it is dinner time- to ,oh ****, I forgot to wash work clothes for the next day!) to another was stressful for me and my son!
If it helps any, my friends' daughters were their worst before they got their period, for about 2 years. I hear that from people time and time again.

I like the advice, "life isn't fair" and "about the bully in school". Always great to look into those things.

What I did for my son's clothing because I couldn't always agree with the colors he put together; I bought ($4.99 from Ikea or Walmart) this hanging tube like shelf thing. It has 5 shelves in it, it hangs from the ceiling. An outfit for each day goes into it. (during spring and fall it has long and short sleve shirts for them too choose). It helped us both get along, he picked which outfit, but I knew the orange shirt was not matched with the purple shorts. (HEHE)

I made lunch his responsibility too. He picked out the whats at the store and made his own sandwhich every night. In fourth grade I started this, at first it was MORE of a headache to me. Now, a junior in high school, I don't even hear about lunches. I know he eats because he leave me a note on the fridge when he is getting close to running out of something.

I just remember those single parenting days... they are like a bad rollercoaster ride. I felt like there was more to do in a day than I could finish in a week, always interference from the ex's family, no adults around to talk to at night when he was asleep and the overwhelming feeling that it was all on my shoulders.

I did not say all this to get you depressed but to tell you, it gets easier, it really does. Early adolesence is the hardest. Around 14/15, they start talking human again. The emotions are not so up and down, they are more focused, like themselves more. For me anyway, my son is great to be around now a days.

I stood on the scriptures of Isaiah 54-- read down where it says, "like a widow left in her youth, your maker is your husband" something like that and "I will be the Father to your children."

I kept praying that,"Lord, be my spouse because I am like a car driving with two wheels missing! I need your strength-- and parent my child when I am not there.."
I would feel his peace in the midst of that rollercoaster ride.

Hey, if you ever want to vent or talk, PM me... I am often up late doing the housework and the computer is on....
If it is ok with you, I'll keep you in my prayers....let me know.

Jane
mother of Jason (17) Caleb (5) and Hannah (2)

p.s. I can't resist but to add this. There were some pluses to being a single mother too.. there is an exta pair of socks on the floor every night for me to pick up, empty coffee cups every where and well, you get the rest.....

 

[bostonlass]

sweetcaroline,

I was a single parent for 12 years, when I read your post I started to hyperventilate from the feelings of stress from those days. (and I had a boy--not the same pre-puberty issues). The absolute chaos of just moving from one task (work- to picking up the child- to getting school supplies, has anyone remembered it is dinner time- to ,oh ****, I forgot to wash work clothes for the next day!) to another was stressful for me and my son!
If it helps any, my friends' daughters were their worst before they got their period, for about 2 years. I hear that from people time and time again.

I like the advice, "life isn't fair" and "about the bully in school". Always great to look into those things.

What I did for my son's clothing because I couldn't always agree with the colors he put together; I bought ($4.99 from Ikea or Walmart) this hanging tube like shelf thing. It has 5 shelves in it, it hangs from the ceiling. An outfit for each day goes into it. (during spring and fall it has long and short sleve shirts for them too choose). It helped us both get along, he picked which outfit, but I knew the orange shirt was not matched with the purple shorts. (HEHE)

I made lunch his responsibility too. He picked out the whats at the store and made his own sandwhich every night. In fourth grade I started this, at first it was MORE of a headache to me. Now, a junior in high school, I don't even hear about lunches. I know he eats because he leave me a note on the fridge when he is getting close to running out of something.

I just remember those single parenting days... they are like a bad rollercoaster ride. I felt like there was more to do in a day than I could finish in a week, always interference from the ex's family, no adults around to talk to at night when he was asleep and the overwhelming feeling that it was all on my shoulders.

I did not say all this to get you depressed but to tell you, it gets easier, it really does. Early adolesence is the hardest. Around 14/15, they start talking human again. The emotions are not so up and down, they are more focused, like themselves more. For me anyway, my son is great to be around now a days.

I stood on the scriptures of Isaiah 54-- read down where it says, "like a widow left in her youth, your maker is your husband" something like that and "I will be the Father to your children."

I kept praying that,"Lord, be my spouse because I am like a car driving with two wheels missing! I need your strength-- and parent my child when I am not there.."
I would feel his peace in the midst of that rollercoaster ride.

Hey, if you ever want to vent or talk, PM me... I am often up late doing the housework and the computer is on....
If it is ok with you, I'll keep you in my prayers....let me know.

Jane
mother of Jason (17) Caleb (5) and Hannah (2)

p.s. I can't resist but to add this. There were some pluses to being a single mother too.. there is an exta pair of socks on the floor every night for me to pick up, empty coffee cups every where and well, you get the rest.....

Oh my gosh Jane you have NO idea how much I needed to read this right now!!!! Thanks so much!

 

[heron]

Scream again. Just for kicks.

Make sure you include an explanation of the emotions in "the talk." That way they think about managing it over the years...and understand their friends better.

 

[Princessperky]

My mother used the 'life isn't fair' and it was really useful. I know many adults raised of the 'even it out' camp. and they can be downright whiny about normal things in life that are unavoidable (rain on a special day) or even just nothing do to with them. You will be doing your kids a favor by teaching them 'life isn't fair' and not trying to even them out all the time.

PS wish I could offer help on the single parenting part, but I will just say you remind me how greatful I am for my DH.

 

[heron]

I consider the responsibility advice invaluable. The kids want to make choices and live with their choices (mismatched clothes), and they benefit from knowing how. They will grow up very capable and brave.