Preparing for the first time

[tractrack-online]

I'm engaged and anticipating the day when I'll be joined together with my fiancee. Obviously one result of that joining together will be the lifting of all physical restrictions and the beginning (for us) of God's plan for sex between man and wife.

As Christians we believe strongly in physical purity before marriage and have devoted ourselves to it. But what if anything do she or I need to do to prepare for this sudden change in approach from "NO NO NO" to "YES YES YES"? (I'm thinking both physically, emotionally, and educationally)

Look forward to some insights

 

[plum]

One thing I would make sure is perfectly clear is the view on what sex means. What did God create it for? What are you telling your spouse when you make love to them? Expressing this vocally is so powerful. A sexual ethic is very important even in marriage.

By the way, congratulations on your upcoming marriage! May your unity be complete through the Lord Jesus Christ, the bridegroom of the church, his bride.

 

[E-beth]

There is nothing wrong with praying before your first time. My husband and I prayed before it on our wedding night, and it helped me relax to know we had God's blessing.

It can be difficult to change mindsets from "It's wrong" to "it's right!" You just have to communicate and be aware of the other's feelings and above all, RELAX!

 

[MusicMelOU]

Talk to him about these concerns.

I think that a lot of Christians make talking about sex way too taboo. I don't think it's healthy or good or not sinful to talk dirty to one another (like saying provocative things), but what I'm talking about more is simply talking about it with no lustful intentions.

My boyfriend is one of my best friends; we can talk about just about anything, and I wouldn't have it any other way. We're both honoring God in our relationship and keeping out of activites that could cause us to develop feelings of lust. However, we have had the conversation about the awkwardness of sex the first night of marraige (in general; not about us necessarily since I don't know God's plan for that). It was simply a conversation that just happened to be about sex, and nothing arousing came out of it. But I'm so glad we had the conversation because if God does pick him to be my husband, I know how he will be feeling if that night ever comes and vice versa so it would be less awkward.

It doesn't matter who God chooses to be my husband; honest communication will be the key. I think too many couples considering marraige shy away from the topic of sex because they think that it is wrong to even talk about it if you're not married. But if you're gonna marry someone (or even considering it), knowing his/her thoughts and concerns on the topic is important since sex is such an integral part of marraige. Just my humble opinion. I agree that prayer is a great thing to do too!

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Take your time!
Going from zero to sex in one day is almost...traumatic.
I recommend a jacuzzi or candles. Low light to kind of help the shyness.
Enjoy the time. I almost don't recommend having sex on the first night.
Learn how each other works. Get used to each other.
Guys aren't too complicated. But I think it's a good idea for the girl to experience how the male operates...for lack of a better way to put it.
Girls...I highly recommend learning how to please the girl. Sex will be akward the first few times. So being able to know how to make her happy in other ways will prove beneficial. Girls can be like energizer bunnies. No one comes with an instruction manual so talk to each other and learn what each of you enjoy and what you don't enjoy. Go slow. Have fun.

 

[razzelflabben]

My father in law (a pastor who happened to counsel us and marry us) suggested a book called Intended for Pleasure (I think that is right) it is a good book talking about sex in the marriage. (If I got it wrong, and you are interested, let me know and I will look it up) Apart from that, my suggestion, don't over think or over expect anything, let God have your first time. If you have expectations of what you will or will not do, how it will be, etc., you will be disappointed when something doesn't go that way, just relax and allow your first time to be an extention of your Love for one another rather than an extention of the passion God created within man.

 

[tractrack-online]

All great advice. I do realize that it's God's gift and that it is just the climax of simply saying I love you. I think both of these facts really help the desire to wait until the proper time. (i.e. How can I tell her I love her by violating God's command?)

I have thought about praying beforehand and not requiring it on the wedding night. I think both are good ideas.

I guess the most important thing to do is talk about it beforehand so expectations aren't assumed or dashed on that very special first night. Any suggestions for how to bring it up? How long before the wedding?

And of course please do continue to post answers to the original question . ..

 

[razzelflabben]

All great advice. I do realize that it's God's gift and that it is just the climax of simply saying I love you. I think both of these facts really help the desire to wait until the proper time. (i.e. How can I tell her I love her by violating God's command?)

I have thought about praying beforehand and not requiring it on the wedding night. I think both are good ideas.

I guess the most important thing to do is talk about it beforehand so expectations aren't assumed or dashed on that very special first night. Any suggestions for how to bring it up? How long before the wedding?

And of course please do continue to post answers to the original question . ..

I love your questions.

I have a question for you first, how great of a temptation do you have when bringing up the subject? This I would think would greatly affect the timing and approach to a discussion on the subject.

 

[tractrack-online]

I love your questions.

I have a question for you first, how great of a temptation do you have when bringing up the subject? This I would think would greatly affect the timing and approach to a discussion on the subject.

I don't know if I can answer that one razzle. We really haven't discussed things. We aren't getting marriend until June '05 so we've got time. I think I would be more comfortable talking about things than she would at this point (obviously I'd wait for her to be ready too). We've both grown up in a pretty strict environment and pretty sheltered (her even more than me) so sex is a pretty awkward topic in general.

Whether or not it would cause temptation I dont know. We kissed on the night of our engagment but have committed to waiting until the week before our wedding to kiss again. (Primarily to stifle tempting situations--not easy but I think a good decision)

Don't know if I answered you but hope that helps.

 

[razzelflabben]

I don't know if I can answer that one razzle. We really haven't discussed things. We aren't getting marriend until June '05 so we've got time. I think I would be more comfortable talking about things than she would at this point (obviously I'd wait for her to be ready too). We've both grown up in a pretty strict environment and pretty sheltered (her even more than me) so sex is a pretty awkward topic in general.

Whether or not it would cause temptation I dont know. We kissed on the night of our engagment but have committed to waiting until the week before our wedding to kiss again. (Primarily to stifle tempting situations--not easy but I think a good decision)

Don't know if I answered you but hope that helps.

Good enough answer I'm thinking. Here would be my advise, since your wedding date is so far away (btw, my husband and I started dating on Feb. 14, were engaged by April 1 and married by Aug. 15 so I really admire your patience in waiting) Anyway, sex is a physical intimate relationship that is an extention of an emotional and mental intimacy. So start there. Talk openly with each other as if you were building intimacy on every level, then, talk about sex should be a natural part of your relationship rather than something different. Be careful though because as a natural extention, temptation can come suddenly and easily. Study scripture while you build this intimacy as to what a Godly marriage is. Many of us think we know what a Godly marriage is and yet, God equates it to the marriage of God to the church, a relationship the Bible says that we can only know in part in this lifetime. So take time to explore what a Godly marriage is. Lastly, when the time is right to discuss it, probably closer to your marriage date and after building some emotional and mental intimacy, talk about it with someone who is experienced in marriage, will hold you accountable and that is not afraid to talk to you about the machanics as well as the emotional issues. A parent or pastor is the ideal choise but not required. Make sure they are able to be biblical, confidential, honest, and open.

That is the best advice I know to give you.

May God bless you with patience, self control and a beautiful marriage.

 

[tractrack-online]

Thanks immensly razzle. Very good advice and advice I'll seek to follow.

To everyone else. I don't want to end this thread here. Please keep posting

 

[lucypevensie]

My only advice is to not set up any expectations from each other or from yourself for ideal performance. Remember that you have your entire lives ahead of you to get it "right"

 

[DaveKerwin]

read up here: www.themarriagebed.com

 

[nicodemus]

My only advice is to not set up any expectations from each other or from yourself for ideal performance. Remember that you have your entire lives ahead of you to get it "right"

This is great advice. Just as it took you a while to get know each other personally, it will take a little while to get to know each other sexually as well. Sex between a married couple is a beautiful thing and a gift from God. Once you're married, you'll have yet another way to express your love for one another.

 

[jazzbird]

My main advice is to talk about your expectations ahead of time. My H and I did a workbook together called "Preparing for Marriage." I forget the author, but it's by family life. If you went to their website you could probably order it there. There are chapters on everything from finances, to future plans, to sex, etc. I found it so helpful because it guided us in the things that we needed to talk about before we were married, and it made it much easier to bring up awkward topics, like sex. I would suggest waiting until next winter to work through something like that though. You've got quite some time to go before the wedding.

I also second the advice about themarriagebed.com, it's a wonderful site.

Congratulations on your engagement!

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Wow. I commend your purity. I messed that up before I had met the girl I was gonna marry.

You may be content to just cuddle on your wedding night. Being close to someone takes some getting used to. Plus if you have a long wedding day, you may be too tired to worry about naked.
Jaccuzi's, candles, and massages are great things.
But youv'e got a year to start thinking about this stuff.

 

[tractrack-online]

Thank you all for you complements and your advice.

www.themarriagebed.com is a wonderful site and a great reference to recommend.

I appreciate all your prayers as we strive to please the Lord in the year before and the many years after our marraige. I'm so thankful that the Lord has given us the abiltiy to love and to better understand our relaitonship with Him through an intimate (physically, emotionally, and spiritually) relationship with a godly spouse!

If anything else comes to mind, please do post it!

Thanks again!

 

[mattbox]

Umm... I'm far far away from that point in my life, but I've read a few books about courtship... one is Joshua Harris' "Boy Meets Girl."

He brought up the point that you're concerned about, and he made the point that you don't necessarily have to have sex on your wedding night. Though he said that most couples don't have problems adjusting to the change, he says that you can take your time with it... meaning first just get used to being with each other intimately.

That's just something that came to mind...

 

[nicodemus]

He brought up the point that you're concerned about, and he made the point that you don't necessarily have to have sex on your wedding night. Though he said that most couples don't have problems adjusting to the change, he says that you can take your time with it... meaning first just get used to being with each other intimately.

That's a good point. There's no "rule" that says you have to on your wedding night or the night after or even the night after that. I've known people that waited weeks until after they were married, and that's fine too.

 

[tractrack-online]

Hmm, I can see not doing it on the night of the wedding (mainly because of exhaustion), but I don't think I'll want to wait much longer than that. Neither do I think it's a good idea. The act of sex does physically join you together as you have been joined in marriage. Waiting too long could set a bad precedent in the marriage. (I'm speaking out of conjecture obviously, but I did want to offer that viewpoint up for consideration.)