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Pre-nups
- Thread starter dluvs2trvl
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Luther073082
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Well...looking at it from a stand point of ME having a million dollars and my soon to be husband having zilch in the bank...I might THINK about it. But after thinking and praying hard I still wouldn't suggest a pre-nup. Maybe I'm a sucker for love...so be it!
A decision based on emotion.
But what if the guy came to you and said . . . honey, I know there might be some fears of me running off with your money after marriage. And those are perfectly logical fears. . . But to show you I am 100% commited to marrying you and not your money, I want to sign a pre-nup so you know that I could not even do that if I wanted to, and you can marry me with no fear in your heart or your mind.
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I'll say it again...if she had those fears then she shouldn't be marrying him...if she needs a piece of paper to know that he is an upstanding guy who can be trusted then she shouldn't be marrying him...if she has a lot of money then she should already be working with a financial advisor who can help her set up her finances properly...etc, etc., etc.
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I would assume he had serious insecurity issues. Or maybe some really devious legal intention...
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Luther073082
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That is partially why I wouldn't recommend it for two people with equal assets.
But for a person who has a lot of money, marrying someone with very little money, its a very logical fear. If they did enter the marriage with no pre-nup they would probably be doing so with FEAR in the back of their mind that this sort of thing might happen.
If I'm taking it from the other way around and she has all the money, I don't want her to be afraid. When I look in her eyes and say "I do" I want to see "I'm so happy" and not even a hint of fear. Because like it or not we have unequal risks in the marriage with no pre-nup.
If she has all the money I'm putting my finger on the chopping block and hoping she doesn't swing the axe. But she is putting her neck on the chopping block.
It makes the risk equal therefore making the trust equal. Because the person with more money and no pre-nup will ALWAYS have to trust the person with less money more then the other way around.
I can tell you with my degree in finance that the only way to protect your own money that I know of from a marriage like that is a pre-nup. Yes sure you can put the money in other people's names but shoving it away in my mom's bank account so you can't get it to me is more mistrustful then a piece of paper that is a financial committment and bet on the marriage lasting.
Second part not possible if she has a good lawyer. First part is the insecurity of her feeling in any way insecure. I don't want to ask my spouse to have to trust me any more then I have to trust her. And if I have nothing and she has a ton, then ultimatly I am asking her to trust me more.
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JPPT1974
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I think that there are pros
And cons to pre-nups and that
Really they can be costly you know.
Sometimes, you want to make sure that
You are living well and content.
Plus two people would be on the chopping block
If you both sign a pre-nup.
And cons to pre-nups and that
Really they can be costly you know.
Sometimes, you want to make sure that
You are living well and content.
Plus two people would be on the chopping block
If you both sign a pre-nup.
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L
~*Lady Trekki*~
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Of course it would be an emotional response. I'm a woman.
Well, then he's offered it. Different than me asking him to as that would be a sign of mistrust.
Have you guys seen that movie with Sally Field and that one guy with the English accent...
Can't think of his name now. Anyway...he was rich and had 3 or 4 divorces under his belt. Fell in love with Sally Fields character and asked her to sign a pre-nup. She loved him but was appalled that he would ask...got mad and I don't remember the rest but it was funny. 
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I see where you're coming from. It's just that personally, I couldn't trust anyone who refused to trust me, or who seriously questioned my trust.
Yet another shining example of why everyone isn't compatible with everyone.
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Annova
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It's not that they don't trust you, it's they don't trust the RELATIONSHIP. Maybe they don't trust themselves.I see where you're coming from. It's just that personally, I couldn't trust anyone who refused to trust me, or who seriously questioned my trust.
Yet another shining example of why everyone isn't compatible with everyone.
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Luther073082
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Actually its the reverse. . .
If I have more money, the pre-nup helps me trust the relationship and you. Why would you not sign something that helps me to trust you. Like I said before, honestly you could sign the thing and I could tear it up after you have signed it. The simple fact that you are willing to sign it has proven to me that you are trustworthy.
If I have the less money then a pre-nup not only shows you that I am committed to this which helps you to trust me. But also makes me feel better that you go into this with no more fear then I have myself. Like I said the person with more money puts their neck on the chopping block while the person with less money puts their finger on the block.
The stigma of pre-nups is a major reason why upper income people tend to only date those with high net worth like themselves. Money changes people, some of these people can swear up and down, left and right that money isn't going to change them but when they come by it quickly or suddenly it does in fact change them.
On the other hand someone who builds it over time is not changed because they did it slowly. If I save $10 million over the course of 40 years, it doesn't change me or my spending habits. If I come by $10 million quickly then it is likely too and to have it not change me requires a charater few posess. I would like to belive that I posess that character but I can not know unless I'm put in that situation.
Talk of "I would never do that" does not equal character, character is determined by a person having the opptunity to do something wrong but doing the right thing anyways. And we can only prove our character in this if we have the opprotunity ourselves.
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Annova
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It depends on why the person wants the pre-nup.
It doesn't work like that. You shouldn't have to sign it in the first place. You don't confirm trust with a pre-nup.
I either trust him or not. A pre-nup doesn't help me trust him more. It shows what he thinks of me and the relationship.
Yes money does change people. That I'll agree with.
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If that's what you need in order for me to prove my trustworthiness to you - then you don't know me well enough to marry me...
If I need a piece of paper to know that I can trust you then I shouldn't be marrying you...
And by asking for a pre-nup you are questioning my character...which you should have already seen evidence of if you plan on marrying me...
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Luther073082
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The problem is trust is built in small steps based off the opprotunity to break it but not doing so. If you say you are going to pick me up some place and do so I have built up some level of trust for you aso you held to your word.
This is why trust it built over time in a marriage, people who enter a marrage often trust eachother but they build up more trust over time.
The person with more money has to have an extreme level of trust in a person to marry them. Its putting them (person with money) in a spot where they have everything to lose and their partner has NOTHING to lose. Its hard to earn that trust without lots and lots of years and chances to betray that trust.
To me the simple fact that you are willing to sign the pre-nup creates loads of trust because you are willing to sign something that takes away all your rights to the money which indicates that you are committing to marrying me and not my money and I can be certain of that. Being unwilling to sign creates distrust because I can then not be certain that you are not marrying my money.
You see it as a legal document preparing for the end of a marriage and thereby creating distrust. I mean why would someone want to plan for a marriage to end?
However I see it as an excersize in trust by reducing the harm that you can do to me by ending the marriage to the same level of harm I can do to you by doing the same.
Let me explain something a different way. When I first joined the ballroom dance team I was partnered with my my dance partner Jackie. I had just met her at the time. We where required to do a trust excersize where we both leaned back and used eachother as a counterweight to support ourselves at the same time.
If one of us let go, we would both fall. (Equal trust requirement) This set the stage for later requirements of unequal trust.
Later on when we where more practiced and familiar with eachother we could do unequal trust requirements to where we could do something that had her leaning down and partially using me for support to where if I let go she would fall and I would stay upright. Or other moves where if she failed to tuck her arm or over extended her knee I could easily end up bleeding on the floor.
Besides my mother and favorite cousin whome I've known my ENTIRE LIFE, she is the woman I trust most in the entire world. Because in the roughly 3 or so years we worked together she has had multiple opprotunities to fail me and has not done so. She trusts me for the same reason. In fact I competed with a PROFESSIONAL partner in a pro/am competition and was far less comfortable with her then with Jackie simpily because we had never built up that trust. I would have traded her for Jackie up to the second I stepped on that floor with her even though Jackie isn't half the dancer she is.
Times of equal trust can set the stage for those later times of unequal trust. $25 million dollars is a lot of unequal trust to start a marriage with. Start the marriage with equal trust.
This is why trust it built over time in a marriage, people who enter a marrage often trust eachother but they build up more trust over time.
The person with more money has to have an extreme level of trust in a person to marry them. Its putting them (person with money) in a spot where they have everything to lose and their partner has NOTHING to lose. Its hard to earn that trust without lots and lots of years and chances to betray that trust.
To me the simple fact that you are willing to sign the pre-nup creates loads of trust because you are willing to sign something that takes away all your rights to the money which indicates that you are committing to marrying me and not my money and I can be certain of that. Being unwilling to sign creates distrust because I can then not be certain that you are not marrying my money.
You see it as a legal document preparing for the end of a marriage and thereby creating distrust. I mean why would someone want to plan for a marriage to end?
However I see it as an excersize in trust by reducing the harm that you can do to me by ending the marriage to the same level of harm I can do to you by doing the same.
Let me explain something a different way. When I first joined the ballroom dance team I was partnered with my my dance partner Jackie. I had just met her at the time. We where required to do a trust excersize where we both leaned back and used eachother as a counterweight to support ourselves at the same time.
If one of us let go, we would both fall. (Equal trust requirement) This set the stage for later requirements of unequal trust.
Later on when we where more practiced and familiar with eachother we could do unequal trust requirements to where we could do something that had her leaning down and partially using me for support to where if I let go she would fall and I would stay upright. Or other moves where if she failed to tuck her arm or over extended her knee I could easily end up bleeding on the floor.
Besides my mother and favorite cousin whome I've known my ENTIRE LIFE, she is the woman I trust most in the entire world. Because in the roughly 3 or so years we worked together she has had multiple opprotunities to fail me and has not done so. She trusts me for the same reason. In fact I competed with a PROFESSIONAL partner in a pro/am competition and was far less comfortable with her then with Jackie simpily because we had never built up that trust. I would have traded her for Jackie up to the second I stepped on that floor with her even though Jackie isn't half the dancer she is.
Times of equal trust can set the stage for those later times of unequal trust. $25 million dollars is a lot of unequal trust to start a marriage with. Start the marriage with equal trust.
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Luther073082
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futuredoc
somewhere between raising hell and amazing grace
I haven't read the thread, but I'd sign a pre-nup if it was important to my spouse, I'd also get one if for some reason I were entering a marriage with a child from a previous one (for the child's protection). For me it isn't about trust, its just protection against an unfortunate possibility. I think its interesting most people will get home owners insurance that covers fire......and fifty percent of homes aren't likely to burn down. When it comes to marriage, based on something as fragile as an emotional connection, everyone is suddenly up in arms when people ask for a bit of insurance.
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