Prayer, support, advice welcome

[lilygrace]

Hi all,
I am a regular member here (though I often do more reading than posting. I am using another nick here though for anonymity. I have seen many people do that here so am hoping the rules haven't changed and that it is still ok to do so.

Anyway, I guess I mostly wanted to get something off my chest. I have had a great deal of sexual abuse in my past, and that's something that I am in the midst of getting healed etc with a great Christian counsellor, so there's no worries there. I have made a lot of progress and continue to do so.

But yeah, the point of this thread is that in the last few weeks I have had this brand new flashback and I am struggling with it. It came via body memories (these can't be faked etc so there's no doubt it's real, and I really don't want to get into a debate about that, just so you know in advance) and has really freaked me out because it involved a type of sex that I had managed to avoid in my other abuse experiences, one which I find completely unnatural, degrading and potentially injurious and personally have no interest in ever doing consensually. I won't say it specifically in case I trigger someone.

I know in my head that experiencing this was not my fault, doesn't change who I am etc. I am also beginning to really believe that in my heart also. I guess where I am stuck is in this tremendous grief that it happened at all and trying to get my head around having done that - although i know it wasn't my deed in that sense. Just don't want to have done that, u know? Even though it was the one type of sex that I wouldn't choose to be involved in even in marriage, the idea that there was *something* that I hadn't done was more of a reassurance to me than I had thought, you know? So then to get the flashbacks and realise that nope, there's nothing left, well that's been pretty hard.

Anyway, that's my thing. Would appreciate prayer, and if anyone has any hints on dealing with the grief of it I'd appreciate that too. I am not concerned about the "it's not your fault" side of it - thankfully Jesus has already made that clear to me. Would appreciate knowing this isn't some wierd tangent I am on, I guess.

thanks
Lilygrace

 

[lilygrace]

Hi all,
I am a regular member here (though I often do more reading than posting. I am using another nick here though for anonymity. I have seen many people do that here so am hoping the rules haven't changed and that it is still ok to do so.

Anyway, I guess I mostly wanted to get something off my chest. I have had a great deal of sexual abuse in my past, and that's something that I am in the midst of getting healed etc with a great Christian counsellor, so there's no worries there. I have made a lot of progress and continue to do so.

But yeah, the point of this thread is that in the last few weeks I have had this brand new flashback and I am struggling with it. It came via body memories (these can't be faked etc so there's no doubt it's real, and I really don't want to get into a debate about that, just so you know in advance) and has really freaked me out because it involved a type of sex that I had managed to avoid in my other abuse experiences, one which I find completely unnatural, degrading and potentially injurious and personally have no interest in ever doing consensually. I won't say it specifically in case I trigger someone.

I know in my head that experiencing this was not my fault, doesn't change who I am etc. I am also beginning to really believe that in my heart also. I guess where I am stuck is in this tremendous grief that it happened at all and trying to get my head around having done that - although i know it wasn't my deed in that sense. Just don't want to have done that, u know? Even though it was the one type of sex that I wouldn't choose to be involved in even in marriage, the idea that there was *something* that I hadn't done was more of a reassurance to me than I had thought, you know? So then to get the flashbacks and realise that nope, there's nothing left, well that's been pretty hard.

Anyway, that's my thing. Would appreciate prayer, and if anyone has any hints on dealing with the grief of it I'd appreciate that too. I am not concerned about the "it's not your fault" side of it - thankfully Jesus has already made that clear to me. Would appreciate knowing this isn't some wierd tangent I am on, I guess.

thanks
Lilygrace

Can a mod please lock or delete this? It's had no replies so I have reposted it in the main abuse forum instead. More people post there so I suspect I am more likely to get a reply from people who feel able/willing/prompted to respond etc. Ta muchly

 

[COVINABP]

Can a mod please lock or delete this? It's had no replies so I have reposted it in the main abuse forum instead. More people post there so I suspect I am more likely to get a reply from people who feel able/willing/prompted to respond etc. Ta muchly

I'm sorry no one has replied, I had not seen it & I am new here, I can only offer prayer, I will do that now, and in the oncoming days

William

 

[lilygrace]

Thanks William I appreciate that.

I wasn't trying to give folks a hard time for not posting, and was just trying to find the most appropriate forum - not just by title but by where people are at and whether they feel able to engage with me in this etc etc.

I appreciate your prayer. I have posted more in the other thread if you would like to join in over there.

Lilygrace.

 

[UnitynLove]

I am praying for you. I know life can be soooo hard sometimes especially being abused and being in an abusive family, but this will work for God's glory trust me. You could be a couselor for young women who were also abused, this is what the lord has done in my life. Praying for you again my sister

 

[lilygrace]

Thanks UnitynLove it is really good to hear from you and I appreciate this support.

Lilygrace.

 

[shazabella]

Hi all,
I am a regular member here (though I often do more reading than posting. I am using another nick here though for anonymity. I have seen many people do that here so am hoping the rules haven't changed and that it is still ok to do so.

Anyway, I guess I mostly wanted to get something off my chest. I have had a great deal of sexual abuse in my past, and that's something that I am in the midst of getting healed etc with a great Christian counsellor, so there's no worries there. I have made a lot of progress and continue to do so.

But yeah, the point of this thread is that in the last few weeks I have had this brand new flashback and I am struggling with it. It came via body memories (these can't be faked etc so there's no doubt it's real, and I really don't want to get into a debate about that, just so you know in advance) and has really freaked me out because it involved a type of sex that I had managed to avoid in my other abuse experiences, one which I find completely unnatural, degrading and potentially injurious and personally have no interest in ever doing consensually. I won't say it specifically in case I trigger someone.

I know in my head that experiencing this was not my fault, doesn't change who I am etc. I am also beginning to really believe that in my heart also. I guess where I am stuck is in this tremendous grief that it happened at all and trying to get my head around having done that - although i know it wasn't my deed in that sense. Just don't want to have done that, u know? Even though it was the one type of sex that I wouldn't choose to be involved in even in marriage, the idea that there was *something* that I hadn't done was more of a reassurance to me than I had thought, you know? So then to get the flashbacks and realise that nope, there's nothing left, well that's been pretty hard.

Anyway, that's my thing. Would appreciate prayer, and if anyone has any hints on dealing with the grief of it I'd appreciate that too. I am not concerned about the "it's not your fault" side of it - thankfully Jesus has already made that clear to me. Would appreciate knowing this isn't some wierd tangent I am on, I guess.

thanks
Lilygrace

Hey Lilygrace,

When we are in the situation of the attack we have no control over what they do to us and should not hold ourselves responsible for their vile actions. Its a very hard path to go down and body memories ( what u are experiencing) really do bite but lily i just feel the lord say Give it all to him, come to me all of you who are weary ... you are tired you are struggling with this like so many people and the lord is saying Come to me ...

God is so much above our situations and he is there willing to take his precious daughter ( you) in his arms and comfort her when she needs him the most.

praying for you my sister

- Shaz

 

[lilygrace]

Hey Lilygrace,

When we are in the situation of the attack we have no control over what they do to us and should not hold ourselves responsible for their vile actions. Its a very hard path to go down and body memories ( what u are experiencing) really do bite but lily i just feel the lord say Give it all to him, come to me all of you who are weary ... you are tired you are struggling with this like so many people and the lord is saying Come to me ...

God is so much above our situations and he is there willing to take his precious daughter ( you) in his arms and comfort her when she needs him the most.

praying for you my sister

- Shaz

Hi Shaz,

Woohoo another aussie

Thanks for your suggestions and support. you are right, one of the main things the Spirit has been saying to me is that this is about me and Jesus, and that healing comes in and through that relationship and in the context of that. His healing is not separate from who He is, any more than we can separate anything of who Jesus is from what He does.

So me trying to get healed so that I can be loved by Him, or in order for me to be more acceptable or in order to be fixed up or whatever is actually starting from a false presumption about what's really going on. I think that's one reason why grief has been so hard to do - I try to manage my pain by myself without Jesus. I thought that was actually my job etc.

So, I am finding in the last two days that I am actually moving out of denial - that's been a huge breakthrough but yeah you are right, it bites!

I'd appreciate prayer for my ability to keep working at the moment. It's not possible to take time off. I have dropped every other committment besides work and that has bought me some space which is great, but yeah it's a tough time.

What about yourself? Anything I can be praying about for you?

Lilygrace

 

[chloeobrien]

*Huge Hugs* I'm sorry to hear about the flashbacks. I really hope they go away and things get better. It's tough dealing with them, but you can get through it and you will be stronger.

 

[shazabella]

Hi Shaz,

Woohoo another aussie

Thanks for your suggestions and support. you are right, one of the main things the Spirit has been saying to me is that this is about me and Jesus, and that healing comes in and through that relationship and in the context of that. His healing is not separate from who He is, any more than we can separate anything of who Jesus is from what He does.

So me trying to get healed so that I can be loved by Him, or in order for me to be more acceptable or in order to be fixed up or whatever is actually starting from a false presumption about what's really going on. I think that's one reason why grief has been so hard to do - I try to manage my pain by myself without Jesus. I thought that was actually my job etc.

So, I am finding in the last two days that I am actually moving out of denial - that's been a huge breakthrough but yeah you are right, it bites!

I'd appreciate prayer for my ability to keep working at the moment. It's not possible to take time off. I have dropped every other committment besides work and that has bought me some space which is great, but yeah it's a tough time.

What about yourself? Anything I can be praying about for you?

Lilygrace

Hey Lily,

I'm doing ok - therapy was hard today but i know i'm working on it for a reason - to deal with everything and i refuse to let him win.

- Shaz

 

[lilygrace]

Hi folks
Bit of an update for you all.

As of tomorrow I will have met all but one of my major work deadlines for the year and am thrilled about that. The last month or so since I've come out of denial has been, well, horrendous and I am sure you know what I am talking about so nuff said there. I am finding that the key is in being open, being myself, and being real with people and esp with Jesus. So, things are moving forward and I am growing alot. I am still in a great deal of pain and would appreciate your prayer for that, but I don't cry myself to sleep every night now so that is a very practical positive step forward. Still lots of flashbacks though.

And given that I have met my two work deadlines my career hasn't suffered which is hugely important because it is a big thing for me to ensure that that is one area of my life that I don't lose out in (any more than I have so far; I had to work part time until more recently b/c I wasn't up to full time work). I had a total of two days off in October, but got it all done. I would also appreciate prayer for my last big deadline/task for the year, which is writing a research proposal. I do know that God has really opened up an opportunity there and want to continue on that path, because healing is what happens when we are living life, I don't want things to stop meanwhile!

hugs back to those of you who have just been such a support in all this - including those who have read and prayed but not posted. I have not been open like this before so posting here was a bit of a step for me, and the response has been very affirming, so thanks!

Lilygrace.

 

[BelindaP]

I'm so glad to know that you are doing so well. I find that some of my problems also trickle into my work life, so I know exactly where you are coming from.