Pray for me.

[Rion]

I found this site a couple of days ago, but I've not posted on it, but I feel drawn to it, like God's pushing me back here.

I have severe "Pure O" OCD. Most of my waking hours are spent, mentally if not physically, arguing with the uncontrollable doubts in my head over God, Jesus, and the Bible. It'll go from one thing to another, like how can I trust the Bible is accurate, how can I tell if God is out there, etc. I squish one thought down with logic, reason, and facts, and another pops up. Although I can function enough to keep a job I'm in constant torment. There have been days when the only thing that kept me from killing myself was that my mother could not handle it. I do not want to offend God but at those times it seems so obvious that he wouldn't blame me for taking my life due to how terrible my pain is and how I want to die not only to escape it, but to ensure I do not lose my faith in Jesus. I know I need treatment but I cannot afford it. I am not here to beg for money, but part of my posting was to ask for all of you to pray that I can find some way to get the treatment I need. I have had this for over a decade now, but I didn't seek treatment for it because I did not know what it was until recently (I thought of OCD was like on T.V.) and because some of the doubts that crept into my mind was "what if I only have faith because I'm ill? What if I get better and I lose my faith." I know it sounds stupid but when it gets going I can't tell and I get really scared.

Recently in a moment of weakness I asked God how He can let people like us suffer like this, not just myself, but all of us who have mental health issues. I understand, I think, as I calmed down and studied the issue and thought on it, but it's like half my brain refuses to believe it. Now, my mind keeps going back to "how could God let us suffer like this if he's out there" yet I understand that God did not create evil and that blaming God is wrong. This is all a result of pollution, enthropy, and the natural breaking down of what was planned to be a temporary system. Yet I feel this "thought" pushing upon me and I'm afraid it's going to consume me. No matter how much I pray and study the issue, the thoughts on this particular idea keep coming. I wonder if somewhere I truly feel this way, and perhaps that's why God never healed me all those times I've begged him to, or that I'm not really saved cause part of me wants to know why, if God is there, he won't heal us. I'm a Christian, I have been for over a decade and a half. I understand that God never promised any Christian and easy life, far from it, but the whispering thoughts keep pressing "why doesn't He? "why doesn't He?" And I'm afraid, so very afraid. I don't want to lose my faith. It's the only thing that's kept me alive for so long.

I ask and beg for you to pray for me. To ask God to help me through this. I can't ask anyone else. If I tell anyone in my family it's bound to get back to my mother. My father died this year, after a fight with cancer, and I haven't been able to tell her about it. Everytime I think I'm going to tell her, something goes wrong, and I feel I can't put any more pressure on her. I can't tell my other family because it will get back to her. I can't tell my church because it's likely to get back to my family or mom via prayer request. I have no one else to turn to, please pray for me.

 

[mbrob]

I found this site a couple of days ago, but I've not posted on it, but I feel drawn to it, like God's pushing me back here.

I have severe "Pure O" OCD. Most of my waking hours are spent, mentally if not physically, arguing with the uncontrollable doubts in my head over God, Jesus, and the Bible. It'll go from one thing to another, like how can I trust the Bible is accurate, how can I tell if God is out there, etc. I squish one thought down with logic, reason, and facts, and another pops up. Although I can function enough to keep a job I'm in constant torment. There have been days when the only thing that kept me from killing myself was that my mother could not handle it. I do not want to offend God but at those times it seems so obvious that he wouldn't blame me for taking my life due to how terrible my pain is and how I want to die not only to escape it, but to ensure I do not lose my faith in Jesus. I know I need treatment but I cannot afford it. I am not here to beg for money, but part of my posting was to ask for all of you to pray that I can find some way to get the treatment I need. I have had this for over a decade now, but I didn't seek treatment for it because I did not know what it was until recently (I thought of OCD was like on T.V.) and because some of the doubts that crept into my mind was "what if I only have faith because I'm ill? What if I get better and I lose my faith." I know it sounds stupid but when it gets going I can't tell and I get really scared.

Recently in a moment of weakness I asked God how He can let people like us suffer like this, not just myself, but all of us who have mental health issues. I understand, I think, as I calmed down and studied the issue and thought on it, but it's like half my brain refuses to believe it. Now, my mind keeps going back to "how could God let us suffer like this if he's out there" yet I understand that God did not create evil and that blaming God is wrong. This is all a result of pollution, enthropy, and the natural breaking down of what was planned to be a temporary system. Yet I feel this "thought" pushing upon me and I'm afraid it's going to consume me. No matter how much I pray and study the issue, the thoughts on this particular idea keep coming. I wonder if somewhere I truly feel this way, and perhaps that's why God never healed me all those times I've begged him to, or that I'm not really saved cause part of me wants to know why, if God is there, he won't heal us. I'm a Christian, I have been for over a decade and a half. I understand that God never promised any Christian and easy life, far from it, but the whispering thoughts keep pressing "why doesn't He? "why doesn't He?" And I'm afraid, so very afraid. I don't want to lose my faith. It's the only thing that's kept me alive for so long.

I ask and beg for you to pray for me. To ask God to help me through this. I can't ask anyone else. If I tell anyone in my family it's bound to get back to my mother. My father died this year, after a fight with cancer, and I haven't been able to tell her about it. Everytime I think I'm going to tell her, something goes wrong, and I feel I can't put any more pressure on her. I can't tell my other family because it will get back to her. I can't tell my church because it's likely to get back to my family or mom via prayer request. I have no one else to turn to, please pray for me.

Hi,

First, I am praying for you. I am sorry about your Father. Second, I don't think you questioning "why" things are permitted by God is necessarily wrong. Read the Psalms, read Christ's last words on the cross. These are bold questions presented to God about "why" horrible things can happen to his people. It sounds to me like you have a real faith, and your ocd is making you obsess about whether it was "appropriate" to search your heart, soul, and mind so deeply as to actually question things.
Your thoughts and/or doubts don't seem particularly blasphemous or out of line, particularly since you can counter them, but the fact that they disturb you is the trouble. That's OCD.

I think every sincere Christian struggles with their faith. I think our struggles having ocd make our faith struggles tortuous, but faith does not occur BECAUSE you are ill. Faith is a gift from God and we receive it in spite of our infirmities.

OCD is a tough hand to be dealt, but our God is so much more powerful. He picked us, knowing what we would be like. He doesn't drop us when we are ill or broken. Don't give up on yourself; God hasn't.

 

[Emma!]

I agree with everything that mbrob said.
I will pray for you too.

I think that you should go and talk with your pastor about it and tell him that you want it kept confidential, he will do that.

There are medications that help with OCD and i pray that God will provide a way to get you some help and heal you. Please know you are not damaged goods, there is no need to fear... these are only thoughts and they in themselves cannot harm you (even when they feel like they can). God is big and so full of love and mercy for you, you are not insulting Him or letting Him down. He will bring you out of this, hold onto Him and reach out for help (from a doctor, pastor, counsellor, God).

Bless you, i am praying for you

Here is another site that you might like to put a prayer request on:
http://www.freechapel.org/prayer/

 

[stephanie8184]

I will also keep you in my prayers. I know where you are coming from, as I too have pure "O" OCD. I have not yet had the courage to go see someone about it. I am constantly praying too God for help, and even though it feels like he doesn't hear me, he does hear and he really cares and I have to try and remember that.

I have persistent thoughts and obssessions that come into my head and I fight them, but I feel like I can't make them go away. I don't want to go in to detail about my thoughts, as it is to painful, but it feels like as if I have a battle going on inside of my head everyday. I feel hopeless and like as if I can't make the thoughts go away, no matter how much I don't want them there and how much I fight them.

This is when I just turn everything over to God. I ask him to take it all away and I try to remember that God is bigger and stronger than all of my worries and fears and problems. This is not easy to do, but I try.

Your doubts and questions do not mean that you do not believe in God. Every sincere Christian does have doubts and questions, and this does not mean that you are not a believer.

I know the pain and suffering that we experience with OCD is enough to make us want to die, but this is not the answer. When it gets so hard that I can't bear it, I have asked God to take me now because I don't want to live on this Earth anymore. So I know how you feel.

Hang in there, God loves you and cares for you and everytime you go through pain he is right there by your side, even when you don't feel like he is.

 

[HeatherG]

Hi Rion,

I'm really glad you found this site. I just found it a few days ago too and I find the people here are really supportive.

I am also praying for you. And I agree with the other poster that it would be a good idea to speak to your pastor and ask him to keep it confidential. I'm sure he will.

As you say you are lacking funds to go and get help, how about reading a book? Have you heard of Brain Lock by Jeffrey M. Schwartz? You can find it at Amazon.com. I found it very helpful.

I also have a suggestion of something you can try. You must be totally exhausted with trying to solve all these problems all day, and I really cannot imagine God would want you to do that, even if you do have doubts, which we all do from time to time. So how about giving yourself a "holiday" from the thoughts. I mean, whenever a question comes into your mind, even if it is a million times a day, instead of solving it immediately just tell yourself that you will leave it until tonight between 7.00 and 8.00 (or whenever) and then get busy with something else. Then set aside that time to sort out your questions, and even if you are not finished (which you probably won't be), STOP at the appointed time. You see the constantly trying to solve everything so that you feel at peace is actually perpetuating the thoughts. You have to try to live with some uncertainty, which is what we OCDers find so difficult. It's the only way to break the cycle. Once you can manage to go for longer periods without thinking through the problems, it will get easier until eventually you will not even need to set a "problem solving time".
Remember that OCD always attacks the thing most important to us. Because it is so very important to you not to lose your faith, this is why those particular thoughts are coming. But trust in God's promises.

Romans 8: 38-39 "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Praying for God's strength for you.
Heather

 

[Ryskee182]

Im praying for u rion. I've gone through similar stuff that u have and what will really help is a good counsler and medication . talking to some one u trust always helps

 

[Rion]

I emailed my pastor, asking for a confidential meeting, but no reply yet. I'm having good days and bad days, but I keep feeling like I'm a failure as a Christian, like I'm losing my faith. I know it's not true, but it's hard sometimes. Thanks for the help, guys.

 

[Emma!]

I emailed my pastor, asking for a confidential meeting, but no reply yet. I'm having good days and bad days, but I keep feeling like I'm a failure as a Christian, like I'm losing my faith. I know it's not true, but it's hard sometimes. Thanks for the help, guys.

I am glad to hear that you emailed your pastor, he will get back to your when he has a look to see when the best time is.

Please know that you can never fail God, you are a Christian because He chose you, not because of your thoughts or actions... its not about that... its Jesus that has saved you and He did that because He loves you. There is nothing that you can think or do that will make Him love you less or that will make you more acceptable than you are already (because you are totally acceptable and loved). You are acceptable and loved by Him because He created you, and because He chose you!!

Bless you and keep us up to date, i am praying for you... you will be ok, nothing can take your faith....and nothing can take Gods love away from you.

 

[Rion]

I am glad to hear that you emailed your pastor, he will get back to your when he has a look to see when the best time is.

Please know that you can never fail God, you are a Christian because He chose you, not because of your thoughts or actions... its not about that... its Jesus that has saved you and He did that because He loves you. There is nothing that you can think or do that will make Him love you less or that will make you more acceptable than you are already (because you are totally acceptable and loved). You are acceptable and loved by Him because He created you, and because He chose you!!

Bless you and keep us up to date, i am praying for you... you will be ok, nothing can take your faith....and nothing can take Gods love away from you.

My pastor never returned my message...

I just want God to heal me or let me die. Either way I'd at least have peace. I can't live like this anymore. It's just gotten worse and worse. Right now I can type only because I'm in a sort of daze. To understand what I'm going to say next, you need to know that to combat a lot of these "doubts" I've researched philosphical, scientifical, and historical information, proving to myself time and time again that God's real. It's the only way I can keep it down sometimes.

About an hour ago, the thought "why won't God heal me if he's there" kept pounding in my head. It kept on and on, and then suddenly "He isn't there. If He was there he'd heal me, he wouldn't watch me suffer like this. All that scientific stuff I read up was false. All the historical information was probably made up to prop up an outdated idea." Oh God, I'm so sorry, I don't know what I believe anymore. Do I believe this? I know, deep down in the core of my being that this isn't true but it keeps repeating over and over again. I can't get rid of it. Does this mean I've lost my faith? I can't make it go away. I don't really think that, do I? I just want God to let me die. I'm so tired of this. I'm too tired to rebuild myself after this. I can't even go through the motions of disproving what it's saying, I'm so tired.

 

[Emma!]

My pastor never returned my message...

Then call him... or a counsellor or doctor... dont give up with that, he could have changed email addresses... been really busy (our pastor takes ages to respond too)... dont give up reach out, at least tell your family or a friend and ask if they could lend you some money for a doctors appointment. There is always help out there if you are willing to find it.

I can't live like this anymore.

You dont need to there is always help out there, you need to see a doctor and get some meds.

I know, deep down in the core of my being that this isn't true but it keeps repeating over and over again. I can't get rid of it. Does this mean I've lost my faith?

Thats all that matters you DO know the truth... even when it feels like you dont...you really do know. You HAVENT lost your faith at all. These thoughts are NOT you, they are just a result of chemicals in your brain... and these can be helped, you dont need to keep fighting it this way (will power) by yourself you need to reach out to someone and get some help... you can be ok again and have peace you just need to reach out....

i dont know what the health care system is like where you are but is there services there that you can go to for free/cheap? Is there a friend or relative that will lend you some money? The church also might if they know whats hapening.... but while no-one knows no-one can help you.

Bless you, please keep hope and reach out, that is very likely the way that God will heal you...

 

[HeatherG]

My pastor never returned my message...

I just want God to heal me or let me die. Either way I'd at least have peace. I can't live like this anymore. It's just gotten worse and worse. Right now I can type only because I'm in a sort of daze. To understand what I'm going to say next, you need to know that to combat a lot of these "doubts" I've researched philosphical, scientifical, and historical information, proving to myself time and time again that God's real. It's the only way I can keep it down sometimes.

About an hour ago, the thought "why won't God heal me if he's there" kept pounding in my head. It kept on and on, and then suddenly "He isn't there. If He was there he'd heal me, he wouldn't watch me suffer like this. All that scientific stuff I read up was false. All the historical information was probably made up to prop up an outdated idea." Oh God, I'm so sorry, I don't know what I believe anymore. Do I believe this? I know, deep down in the core of my being that this isn't true but it keeps repeating over and over again. I can't get rid of it. Does this mean I've lost my faith? I can't make it go away. I don't really think that, do I? I just want God to let me die. I'm so tired of this. I'm too tired to rebuild myself after this. I can't even go through the motions of disproving what it's saying, I'm so tired.

Rion,
Take a deep breath and RELAX. You don't need to solve every question that comes into your head right at the instant you think of it, and keep working on it until you've solved it. In fact, that is what is perpetuating the thoughts because that's how OCD works. For goodness sake, take a break! God will still be there tomorrow, whether you believe in Him or not (I know you do, I'm just saying it hypothetically). I'm not trying to be patronizing, it's just that I've been there myself for 16 years and now I finally feel I'm seeing light at the end of the tunnel. Did you try what I suggested before and set aside a limited time to do all your thinking and then not allow yourself to dwell on the questions outside the allotted time? I really think it would help. If it makes you feel guilty, just remind yourself that you are doing it because it is breaking the cycle and helping to stop your OCD. I know that the horrible feeling of uncertainty is just so uncomfortable and you feel you need to resolve it to get some relief, but you have to resist the urge and get accustomed to the uncertainty. Otherwise, as soon as you solve one question, another will come and then another because your brain has got a chemical imbalance that is making it get stuck in one gear, so to speak. As time goes on and you learn to put up with the uncertainty and don't get bothered about it, you are actually helping to "cool down" the overactive part of the brain and the symptoms will get better. Go and do something totally unrelated to your thoughts. Do some exercise, have coffee with a friend, go and help someone.

Also, I agree with Emma not to give up on getting help. Is there someone else in a leadership position or a mature Christian you can trust, in case your pastor doesn't respond? Even from another church?

Know that you are not alone, and we are praying for you.

Heather

 

[Emma!]

Good advice Heather

 

[Rion]

I'm better lately, thanks for your prayers. I have a opportunity to see someone about my issues, for at least eight visits, and I praise God for that.
Sorry if it seems like I'm not coming around very often, I'm trying to keep my mind off of my problem until the 20th, when I can schedule my first visit. Today has been a very good day. The only thing that's been bugging me is some nonsense about Japan and Christianity (I know, very, very weird but I'm sure you all know what I mean when I say I have no control over what it picks up) so it's been pretty easy to ignore.

Thanks again for your continued support.

 

[Emma!]

That is great news Praise God indeed!
Thank you for keeping us upto date, bless you and i will continue to pray for you...

Again that is wonderful news

 

[HeatherG]

I'm better lately, thanks for your prayers. I have a opportunity to see someone about my issues, for at least eight visits, and I praise God for that.
Sorry if it seems like I'm not coming around very often, I'm trying to keep my mind off of my problem until the 20th, when I can schedule my first visit. Today has been a very good day. The only thing that's been bugging me is some nonsense about Japan and Christianity (I know, very, very weird but I'm sure you all know what I mean when I say I have no control over what it picks up) so it's been pretty easy to ignore.

Thanks again for your continued support.

Hey Rion!
I'm sooo happy to hear you're doing better. Praise God! Let us know how it goes on the 20th.
Be blessed.
Heather

 

[Natalo18]

I am most def praying for you!!!!

 

[Rion]

My therapist isn't very familiar with Pure OCD, but she's helping me quite a bit. She has me recording my thoughts at the moment but I don't record all of them, as she wants me to. If I did, I'd have no time for anything else!

For a while things have been okay, my doctor changed my medication back to Zoloft as it did better, but things took a downward turn yesterday. I'm hoping it goes away again. I can't get my mind from saying things about the Bible and what they believed about cosmology. I've studied this stuff to death but they keep on coming. *sigh* Thanks for the prayers btw. I hope all of you are doing well.

 

[HeatherG]

My therapist isn't very familiar with Pure OCD, but she's helping me quite a bit. She has me recording my thoughts at the moment but I don't record all of them, as she wants me to. If I did, I'd have no time for anything else!

For a while things have been okay, my doctor changed my medication back to Zoloft as it did better, but things took a downward turn yesterday. I'm hoping it goes away again. I can't get my mind from saying things about the Bible and what they believed about cosmology. I've studied this stuff to death but they keep on coming. *sigh* Thanks for the prayers btw. I hope all of you are doing well.

Hi Rion,
I'm so glad you got to see a therapist and you are making progress. Hope the medication settles things down.
Heather

 

[Emma!]

Hi Rion
Sounds like things are going well, that is great to hear!!
Dont be discouraged by a few down days, they will soon decrease in number and you will continue to improve with time and help.
I am very happy for you, and i pray continued improvement!

Keep us upto date when you can
Blessings

 

[Rion]

I hadn't realized that it'd been so long since I've been here.

I'm having my good days and bad, but most of the time it helps to just get a spot away from everyone/everything and talk to God, perhaps cry some. The only thing that's really bugging me now is that someone on a different board posted a thread about losing their faith, saying they never had any, just wouldn't admit it to themselves and (of course) the OCD picked that right up. I know that's not true of me, but the OCD of it is driving me insane. This isn't an every-day thing, thankfully, it's just bad sometimes. I'm not really posting this to be "woe is me" so much as just having a place to rant about it is therapeutic to me.

So that it doesn't sound like I'm whining, I'd like to mention that I've been really blessed this week, as my brother was forced off the road by another car and even though his vehicle rolled and the car's totaled, he was unhurt except for small scrapes and bruises. And while material things aren't improtant, they have the guy who did it, so at least my brother won't be put in debt over the vehicle.