Pleasing family...?

[ps34_18]

so here's a question, how many of you are finding it difficult to please various family members with the decisions concerning your wedding. My fiance and I have been having some difficulty particularly with his side of the family (I hate to say it), concerning the issue of inviting children to the wedding. We were planning to set an age limit, but apparently one of his aunts would be mortally offended if we didn't invite her children (ranging in ages from 5-10 ish). My fiance's mother has been particularly vocal over this concern, feeling like we should be doing our best to please the family. We've also had some problem with family members expecting that they're going to be able to share stories/poke fun at us/my fiance during the reception, which we weren't really planning on doing a whole lot of. My thinking is that this is our wedding, we should be able to make our own decisions. But at the same time this is family and we don't want to offend anyone. Where do we draw the line at pleasing people, and have any of you had this problem?

 

[nuarc]

hehe...hold on, let me post what i just posted in bridesmaids...hope i dont get busted for spam.

 

[nuarc]

How about this one ps34- one of my brothers has 5 kids one of my sweeties aunts has 6 kids. I feel so tempted to tell him that only aunt and uncle can come, but how would that look when my brother has almost the same haul? If I told my brother that only he and my SIL could come, not only would he pitch a fit and probably end up not coming, but my mother would also die that all the grand kids are not there . Ahhhh- Sticky subject in deed!
Birth control people! Birth control!!! Think of how easy it would make the life of your little sister when she's getting married

 

[ps34_18]

lol...oh nuarc...that is such a good point!! At least I don't have to worry about nieces and nephews in the bunch, being the first one from my family to get married. But ugh!!!...the messes...(and how do you tell your mother-in-law-to-be that you find the centerpieces she's having so much fun designing that they're just a little on the tacky side as party favours, not to mention almost getting too flowery for my taste???) sorry...I'm venting...

 

[nuarc]

oooh, now that is pretty sticky. Dont worry ps vent, vent, vent all you would like. People can see our dilemmas and perhaps come up with some ideas to help.

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

My personal opinion is, that if they are not contributing financially to the wedding, then they don't have a choice in what happens in my wedding, family or not.

I know that sounds harsh, but seriously, this is a wedding that you are going to remember for the rest of your lives, and if you don't have the one you want, you are going to get upset about it.

I think you just have to be polite, yet firm and say something along the lines of 'our ceremony/reception venue doesn't really have the facilities to cater for children under the age of 12, so we have decided to have no children present'. It may or may not be true, but it makes it pretty clear.

Your Aunts have a choice - be miserable and therefore be known by the rest of the family as grouches on a special day, or accept that this is YOUR day, and it is YOUR decision as to what happens and what doesn't.

At the same time, hearing you say some family members are not being supportive of your marriage - frankly, I would HATE to have ANYONE at my wedding if they didn't support us, family or not. I want people there who will stand up and support us and pray blessings on our marriage - not some cynical, negative, mean children like these people are sounding.

WHEW! Got a bit vocal there - I guess it's a main bugbear of mine. I firmly believe a wedding should be held EXACTLY the way the bride and groom like (provided they aren't being ridiculous, and are willing to pay for the things they think are necessities that their parents - if paying - aren't able to), otherwise you end up looking at wedding photos 20 years down the track and thinking of how much you hated that particular thing about your wedding.

Good luck guys - and sometimes it IS ok to be firm and go against family wishes!

Sasch

 

[bliz]

You will offend people. No matter what you do, there will be some family members who will have their noses out of joint. Get over it. Weddings cannot be planned by a committee.

While you hope that everyone will be happy and fully enjoy your wedding, it is your wedding! Your and your intended need to put your heads together and decide what you really want in a wedding. Then, having decided upon your dream wedding, look at all the other suggestions that have been made and evaluate which, if any, of the other things people want can be done without compromising the integrity of your wedding. If the thought of little kids crying during the service and running around the reception hall is unacceptable to both of you, don't invite kids to the wedding. Family members who are unhappy with that will make their own decision about what to do, but none of them has the right to make demands upon your wedding.

If you and your finace cave to their demands and do something you strongly do not wish to do, you are setting a tone for your marriage. You will be expected to continue to defer to their wishes for decades to come - how you spend your holidays and vacations, raise children... If from the get-go you are polite and warm and firm about the decisions you have made, then they are all on notice that this is how you will be living your lives.

You also need to take his mother off the hook. If you make decisions that will be contrary to what his Aunt would want, then your husband should contact his Aunt personally and inform her of the chloice that you have made and express his wishes that she be there. His mother should not have to act as a clearinghouse for other's greviences!

A young woman in our community married down the street where there are two churches on the same block. The wedding was held in one and the other church was used for the kids. Older kids were welcome to the ceremony, a special meal to the liking of kids was available and videos and games were provided, I think there was a clown, and the wedding party visited the kids and the bride showed off her dress and the groom his tux and pictures were taken... and everyone was happy. That's what worked for them.

 

[nicodemus]

You will offend people. No matter what you do, there will be some family members who will have their noses out of joint.

ding ding ding! ladies & gentlemen, we have a winner. My in-laws (non-Christians...but my wife is) strong-armed us into a lot of stuff, threatened to not come to the wedding if we did somethings or didn't do others. Weddings can get ugly...unfortunately.

regarding children, i can't imagine not having children at my wedding. we invited whole families to ours and it was a pleasure seeing whole families together and really fostered a greater sense of community, plus there's just so many cook kids at our church that i can't imagine having told them they couldn't come!

 

[JillLars]

My fiance and I are planning to pay people to staff the nursery at our church so that parents can leave their small (often crying) children there during the service. IMO, there is nothing worse than a baby screaming at the top of their lungs while a couple recites their vows. Its amazing how many parents fail to take the hint and walk outside until their baby stops crying.

We have had some problems with the guest list. My mom wants to invite all of her co-workers, and all of these semi-family friends who we don't really want there. We want our wedding to be close friends and family, which will easily add up to 150. Etiquette says that you shouldn't invite people to just the wedding or just the reception, but we may end up breaking that rule so that my mom's coworkers can come for the dance and cake. Still, I'd rather they don't come at all, and I may end up putting my foot down. I don't especially like the feeling of hugging people who you aren't quite sure who they are. I want to know everyone at my wedding, and not turn it into some spectacle for my mom to make herself look good (when she isn't even paying for the wedding).

 

[ps34_18]

wow Jill, I can see your dilemma. But you totally have a point that if your mom isn't helping pay for the wedding, she can't really dictate who to invite. And honestly, I really wouldn't worry about proper etiquette when it comes to inviting people just for certain parts of the wedding. My fiance's ex is getting married and they've got a current guestlist of over 250, and they're even planning to invite some people to come to the reception after 9 so they can be at the dance but won't eat to keep costs down. The two of us are even looking at inviting some not-as-close friends to come just for the ceremony because we'd like to keep the people at the reception to a minimum. Nowadays there's not really a right or wrong way to do anything when it comes to weddings I've discovered.

 

[JillLars]

My mom said that some of her co-workers in the past have posted signs inviting other co-workers to just the dance. I wouldn't have a problem with that, and it sounds like since her co-workers have done it before, that they wouldn't be entirely offended if I just invited them to the dance. The food really does get expensive when you start adding people on, plus like I said, I want to be surrounded with people I am close to.

 

[IslandBreeze]

My personal opinion is, that if they are not contributing financially to the wedding, then they don't have a choice in what happens in my wedding, family or not.

You got that right. To be honest, I didn't give a second thought to what anybody else wanted for my wedding. My husband and I did everything ourselves, so we didn't give anyone a chance to object. And if anybody did have a problem with it, they must have kept it to themself, because we didn't hear a word. It worked out very nicely that way.

 

[ps34_18]

lucky you...my fiance's mother is rather vocal when we start doing things in a way she wasn't anticipating...

 

[reverie_maiden]

My mom said that some of her co-workers in the past have posted signs inviting other co-workers to just the dance. I wouldn't have a problem with that, and it sounds like since her co-workers have done it before, that they wouldn't be entirely offended if I just invited them to the dance. The food really does get expensive when you start adding people on, plus like I said, I want to be surrounded with people I am close to.

Yes, food does get expensive. That is exactly the problem my fiance and I are facing. We want to just have a reception with cake and punch, but my parents want there to be other food there. I told my dad the only way we are having the extra food there is if he pays for it. It will be interesting to see how that works out!

Oh and aside from that, being my family is helping to move me there a week before the wedding...my dad wants my fiance and I to stick around as long as possible after the wedding. My fiance weren't too happy with that. But, then my dad agreed to pay for the first night at a hotel if we were only two hours down the road instead of six. My fiance feels it is our job to pay for the hotel though, so we don't know what to do. *sighs*

 

[Glorianna]

Yes, food does get expensive. That is exactly the problem my fiance and I are facing. We want to just have a reception with cake and punch, but my parents want there to be other food there. I told my dad the only way we are having the extra food there is if he pays for it. It will be interesting to see how that works out!

Oh and aside from that, being my family is helping to move me there a week before the wedding...my dad wants my fiance and I to stick around as long as possible after the wedding. My fiance weren't too happy with that. But, then my dad agreed to pay for the first night at a hotel if we were only two hours down the road instead of six. My fiance feels it is our job to pay for the hotel though, so we don't know what to do. *sighs*

I think you should take him up on that offer! It's just one night. My husband's parents paid for a night at a hotel for us. I loved it! And I can understand the way your dad feels about wanting to spend as much time with you as possible. A few months before I got married, I moved 3,000 miles away from my family. So when they came for the wedding, they wanted to spend as much time with me as possible. Looking back, that time meant the world to me. We even went to a family brunch with them and my husband's relatives the day after we got married. I wouldn't have done it any other way. I enjoyed myself immensely and was so glad for that extra time with my family.

 

[reverie_maiden]

I think you should take him up on that offer! It's just one night. My husband's parents paid for a night at a hotel for us. I loved it! And I can understand the way your dad feels about wanting to spend as much time with you as possible. A few months before I got married, I moved 3,000 miles away from my family. So when they came for the wedding, they wanted to spend as much time with me as possible. Looking back, that time meant the world to me. We even went to a family brunch with them and my husband's relatives the day after we got married. I wouldn't have done it any other way. I enjoyed myself immensely and was so glad for that extra time with my family.

Yeah, Joey and I compromised last night. Joey said we could stay a few extra hours after the reception and pictures, so that I could spend a little bit longer with my family. We are going to have the food that my dad wants, but we still aren't sure about my dad paying for the first night's hotel. *shrugs* We'll see though.

 

[Glorianna]

My and my hubby's thoughts were that we were going to be able to see each other every day and I wouldn't get to see my family very often so it was important that I spend as much time with them as I could.

 

[reverie_maiden]

My and my hubby's thoughts were that we were going to be able to see each other every day and I wouldn't get to see my family very often so it was important that I spend as much time with them as I could.

Yeah, I am going to be 2,000 miles from my family. It will be difficult I know. I want to spend as much time with them as I can too.

 

[Glorianna]

Yeah, I am going to be 2,000 miles from my family. It will be difficult I know. I want to spend as much time with them as I can too.

It IS difficult. But I'm sure you can imagine how nice it is to be with your SO every day after a long distance relationship.

 

[reverie_maiden]

It IS difficult. But I'm sure you can imagine how nice it is to be with your SO every day after a long distance relationship.

*thinks about it for a few seconds* It would be hard to believe. I would feel like I was dreaming. Neither one of us having to leave would be strange at first, but I am sure we would get used to it and realize we don't have to leave on a plane anymore to go home.