Please need help I'm lost and confused

[sssssavior4everRr]

Hello,
I'm a christian who really love jesus and want to go to heaven.
But I discovered that I have homosexual feelings and that I'm attracted to nice bodies of men not women, I think because I'm 20 years old but look like a small boy and I don't have confident of my self of being a man.
I really wish I can change this I always pray for god to heal me, but I DIDN'T choose to be like this I want to be a straight person

I once read that it's not a sin to be attracted to same sex and having these feelings but it's a sin if I act on it, I've never act on it but when I practice Masturbation I fantasize..

I'm an OCD sufferer also ( I have worries and doubts in everything 24 hours :S )
so I always think that having these feelings is a sin although I didn't choose that and god will never forgive me so I get discouraged to pray more or to listen to hymns or go to church. I read many articles on the net that it's not a sin but my OCD never leaves me believe that.

I really want a 100% answer that it's not a sin so that I can struggle against these thoughts, (from the bible please )
sometimes I say it's a good thing to have these feelings and struggle against them because God will reward me for that.


Another thing, when I got to university, for 2 years I forgot that I have these feelings ( kept them in mind and accepted them but never practice them) and I had many friends and it didn't affect me in my life, I forgot everything and live a very nice life and I gathered with my friends and focus on studying and everything but before few days a thought came to my mind ..
I said to myself if I tell my friends about these feelings they will leave me and will never talk to me again and I will be lonely my whole life
I sometimes think of telling them but then I changed my mind, because I really never accept these feelings and don't think they will understand me !!

So I need advice and answers please for these :

1- Will god forgive me for having these feelings ? can I be a christian who go to church and pray for Jesus to heal me and help me to overcome these thoughts? is having these thoughts is a sin ?!

2- Should I tell my friends and loose them ? or should I keep it as a secret between me and my family and god? is it okay to have male friends if I don't get sexual attracted to them?

3- How can I live a life without depression that I will not marry and be alone forever ?

4- Is it a cross I should hold it my life and if I keep struggling all my life, god will be happy of me ?


**sorry for talking too much, please use simple english words so I can understand**

I hope you help me to be a happy person thank you

 

[Contrar]

1- Will god forgive me for having these feelings ? can I be a christian who go to church and pray for Jesus to heal me and help me to overcome these thoughts? is having these thoughts is a sin ?!

The feelings themselves are not a sin, but rather a temptation; the sin is when one chooses to fantasies about it or act on it.
Mat 5:28 "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."
You are a christian and God wants you to be whole praying for healing is something you can do. Its not as if we have to beg God into restoring us, its his desire and when we're willing, he works in our lives.
Isaiah 57:18 "I have seen his ways, but I will heal him. I will guide him and restore comfort to him, and all the mourners in Israel."
God offers complete forgiveness for all of our sins and once we accept him as our savior nothing can stop us from entering into heaven.

2- Should I tell my friends and loose them ? or should I keep it as a secret between me and my family and god? is it okay to have male friends if I don't get sexual attracted to them?

Its reasonable to keep it mostly secret, though it is also beneficial to find one or two christian friends to be accountable with and help you through your struggle. Oh and most people won't drastically cut of contact, they are likely to react more mildly than that. It is a good thing to have male friends, they can have a positive influence.

3- How can I live a life without depression that I will not marry and be alone forever ?

You can find happiness through fellowship and friendships just like the ones you've made at university.

4- Is it a cross I should hold it my life and if I keep struggling all my life, god will be happy of me ?

James 1:12 "Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him."
It is honoring to god to battle temptation like this. Each of us has a burden to bear. Life doesn't always have to be sad, God offers joy and peace that we find fragments of in this life.

I hope my language was English enough for you to understand.