Please Help

[HopingForJesus]

I believe I want to follow Jesus. I believe in him. I still doubt my salvation
Lately, I have been struggling with the words "I hate God" coming into my head whenever I get upset, frustrated, angry, or when I am reading something in the Bible that triggers me like something in the Old Testament that I perceive as mean or if it has to do with the fear of hell. Let me honestly admit I am working slowly to break myself of selfishness with very little progress, but I feel like I am in rebellion inside my head. I don't think I hate God, but because I have mixed up feelings and feel like I am struggling so much with this then maybe I really do hate God and maybe I am an evil, wicked, doomed person. Maybe because of my fear of hell and my perceptions about certain things that happened in the Bible I am rebelling against God. I don't want any of this. I want to read my Bible in peace. I want to love God with all my being. I want to be free of these chains. I feel like an awful person. What more can I say?

 

[Look Up]

I believe I want to follow Jesus. I believe in him. I still doubt my salvation
Lately, I have been struggling with the words "I hate God" coming into my head whenever I get upset, frustrated, angry, or when I am reading something in the Bible that triggers me like something in the Old Testament that I perceive as mean or if it has to do with the fear of hell. Let me honestly admit I am working slowly to break myself of selfishness with very little progress, but I feel like I am in rebellion inside my head. I don't think I hate God, but because I have mixed up feelings and feel like I am struggling so much with this then maybe I really do hate God and maybe I am an evil, wicked, doomed person. Maybe because of my fear of hell and my perceptions about certain things that happened in the Bible I am rebelling against God. I don't want any of this. I want to read my Bible in peace. I want to love God with all my being. I want to be free of these chains. I feel like an awful person. What more can I say?

You are not alone. I encourage you to familiarize yourself with the epistle 1 John, which was written in part with self-tests so that we might know we have eternal life. These tests include confessional ones about Jesus as well as behavioral ones, such as a pattern of not sinning--although we all sin (1:8-10).

Remember also that we do not progress in holiness or repent from sin by "trying harder," but rather by using the power of God in us: reckon yourselves to be dead indeed to sin, but alive to God (in identification with Jesus' death and resurrection, Romans 6).

And while you are at it, you may be encouraged by Romans 8, especially v. 28 to the end of the chapter. Being a disciple of Jesus is not easy, but God is with us in Christ.

 

[CrossPilgrim]

Thank you, Look Up. I actually needed to know this too!

HopingforJesus, I know exactly what you're going through as I am currently struggling with the exact same thoughts/feelings. But look at your own words. You hate the fact that you may hate God. Therefore, it's pretty safe to say you don't. I know (being affected as well) that it's not so easy to brush off the feelings, but with God, anything is possible. Mine was so bad that those thoughts would shoot through every time I made a typographical error.

Here's all I know, which I believe God has shown me by his mercy and grace. I pray it is of some help to you.

1) I'm was (and sometimes can be) too legalistic. Thus feeling that God wanted more, More, MORE, I began to feel spiteful.

Solution: Remember Jesus!! Who He is, what He did and who we are in Him.

2) I was (and sometimes still do...) try to, as Look Up mentioned, sanctify myself by the flesh (i.e. my own strength).

Solution: Walk in the Spirit. Remember, we walk by faith in Jesus and who He is. (You can read Galatians 3)

3) I focus too much on the problem.

Solution: Fix your eyes on Jesus (Hebrews 12). Pray for strength to do so. Remember God's love for you and let it transform you.


Concerning the thoughts, ask God for the strength to ignore them. Don't let them bug you. They are deceptions from our enemy, Satan. They are like bad seeds that if allowed to bloom yield bitter fruit. Our enemy is spiritual, but Jesus has crushed that serpent underfoot, and has given us the strength, by His Spirit, to do so too. Pray for guidance and strength and then hold on by faith. Our Lord is Jesus Christ, who fights our battles for us and wins, ALWAYS!

Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrews 12:3

May God's grace be with you.

 

[HopingForJesus]

Thank you Look up and CrossPilgrim. I went to my Bible immediately and Read Romans 8 and parts of John 1. I think I will revisit them tonight. See, I made this promise to God that I was going to read my Bible every night to show him that I loved him and that I could be disciplined I guess would be the other part because I fight with blasphemous thoughts way too much. I want to stay in the word, but I have some serious issues with not wanting to do things from the depression and OCD combined. I mean anything. All I have been doing is sleeping. Not been well. Thank you again both of you. I feel like I am talking in circles. I appreciate your responses and consideration and help very much. It is always good to know that I am not alone. I am just so scared I will never get beyond this point. Sigh. Well, how do you allow the Spirit to do His regenerating work within you without trying to do it all by yourself meaning in a legalistic, works based attempt. I am not meaning to do it that way, but yes that could be part of the issue. Reading my Bible is a big accomplishment for me. Why does everything have to be so slow? God bless you both

 

[gracealone]

Hi Hoping,
You sound like you have fairly classic religious OCD. Have you been diagnosed? I don't mean to down play your pain. This is a very painful thing to go through. What I do mean to do is to offer up encouragement to you that treating these obsessions and horrid thoughts as OCD can help you to get past them. With OCD the harder you try to rid yourself of the thoughts and the doubts the more stuck and persistent they become. It's a really viscious cycle. OCD pushes us to gain reassurance, certainty, proof about our doubt filled themes. When we do this the theme grows bigger. This is because we are teaching our brain to mark it as an emergency. So then when we have the thoughts our anxiety just shoots through the roof. Then when we feel that intense anxiety that makes us even more fearful that the obsessions are valid. Does this cycle sound familiar?
Glad you are on the forum. Lots of caring folk here who "get" what you are going through and that's a comfort.
Praying for you.
Mitzi

I believe I want to follow Jesus. I believe in him. I still doubt my salvation
Lately, I have been struggling with the words "I hate God" coming into my head whenever I get upset, frustrated, angry, or when I am reading something in the Bible that triggers me like something in the Old Testament that I perceive as mean or if it has to do with the fear of hell. Let me honestly admit I am working slowly to break myself of selfishness with very little progress, but I feel like I am in rebellion inside my head. I don't think I hate God, but because I have mixed up feelings and feel like I am struggling so much with this then maybe I really do hate God and maybe I am an evil, wicked, doomed person. Maybe because of my fear of hell and my perceptions about certain things that happened in the Bible I am rebelling against God. I don't want any of this. I want to read my Bible in peace. I want to love God with all my being. I want to be free of these chains. I feel like an awful person. What more can I say?

 

[HopingForJesus]

Hi Mitzi. Yes I am diagnosed as having OCD, major depression and generalized anxiety disorder. My medicine only helps so much and I do not get to have therapy as much as I need to because of cost. Thank you for your kindness. I have been through the gamut of medications and Prozac is the best thing that has helped out of all of them. I am on disability for my mental health and some other physical problems. I just always feel guilty with these thoughts. I have had this problem since I was 5 and the religious part started back up about 3 years ago. I am blessed to be able to come on this board and be able to find comfort from people like you guys who have responded. I am hoping these spikes calm down. I don't want them. God bless

 

[CrossPilgrim]

Dear HopingforJesus,

Like I said earlier, I also struggle with similar doubts and struggles.

So get this. While eating dinner, I turned on the radio and it happened to be on 89.3 as opposed to my usual 95.3, both of which are Christian radio stations which I like to listen to every now and then. Anyways, it just so happens Pastor Chip Ingram was speaking on the topic of true spirituality, the opposite of legalism/religiousity. I just thought I'd share it with you.

I can't post links yet, so I'll tell you where to go:
1) Go to OnePlace.com
2) In the search bar type in "Chip Ingram"
3) The sermon, "The Road to True Spirituality" should be there. If not, you can click on any of the sermons and search through the "Living on the Edge" playlist

If it's of any help then we shall know that it was indeed God's grace that led me to that radio. I just had a "spike" myself, so I know where you're at. But I know we love Jesus, and more importantly, He loves us. And He won't stop loving us. If you can find the strength (I speak from how I'm feeling right now), praise Him. Chains tend to fall off when we praise Him and realize that He IS God and He IS with us.