I'm not really sure how I should convey what has been going through my mind over the past few weeks; but I'm certain that in some way it is God working within me. By this statement alone, I have said something that for three years I would have denied. For until now I have denied God, Christ, and Christianity. I don't know that I would have considered myself to be anything other than agnostic but lately it has been on my mind that all that has happened and all that continues to happen, has been a result of my rejection of God. I am in earnest to recieve some answers that might unify some of the seamingly imposible reconcilliations that I have been exposed to in relation to a life within the Christian faith and an acute scientific understanding. Please, anyone that may be of some assistance, I would greatly appreciate any advice, prayers, or guidance that you might give. I honestly wish to become a Christian, however, it feels as though to do so would be to reject all sense of reason.
I do not think it necassary to give you an entire history of my life, however, as it is I who am asking for guidance, it would, I am sure, be more understandable to those offering assistance to at the very least be aquainted with a simple background, at the end of which I shall share some of the problems that I have been facing:
As a child, I grew up in a divided house. I lived with my father, who was a christian, or at least claimed to be. It was there that until I was fourteen, I attended a Catholic church and religion classes which culminated in my unwilling confirmation, after which I never professed any desire to remain in the catholic faith. However, when I was a freshman in high school, I met a young man of my own age who after we had gained a rather strong aquaintanceship, confided certain particulars of his faith to me. He invited me to attend his church and a youth convention where nearly three thousand teens congregated. I went to the convention with him. It was to be placed in Rochester, MN, which he told me was a good place to skateboard so that even if the convention proved to be a complete waste, I would at the very least enjoy skating in the city. This convention was not, however, a complete waste. In fact, it was there that I professed my first desire to become a Christian and had become a Christian, or so I thought at the time.
fast forward.
I spent the rest of my high school days attending his church (or mine as it had become). After high school, I moved to the city where for the first time I encountered a life that was completely devoid of the sheltered Christian atmosphere that pervaded my life until that time. I attended a music school, met people from different backgrounds, read extensivly, and in my first semester began to sense doubts in my faith. Those doubts ceased to abate over the course of the next 3-4 years. In fact, they increased exponentially as time went on.
In my second year, I encountered the writing and philosophies of various thinkers throughout history, many of which forced me to question many of the ideals that I held at the time. I became very interested in Buddhism, Hinduism, the rituals of Native Americans, as well as the philosophy of Nietzsche, Shoepenhouer, and the writings of Hermann Hesse. None of these interests, however, do I believe to be mistaken curiosities. For it is (as Nietzsche lived himself) far more courageous to attack ones convictions than merely to have them.
And so here I stand. I am 21, and through all of my constant questioning of the past few years, I have yet to find an answer that will give more than a fleeting sense of peace or understanding. In my youth I enjoyed the ignorant comfort of belief in a savior, in early adulthood I have rejected that understanding, and at the prospect of a future.....I stand uncertain.
I see much of what is happening in the world and I, by what in my youth have been taught, question whether it is not the fulfillment of what God has promised. Perhaps this is only a fleeting burst of emotion that will soon pass. I do not know. But at this moment, I wish to know whether by what evil I have done in the past, I can ever be forgiven. I wish to know whether one can reconcile the understanding of the Christian faith with our modern conception of history, science, and psychology. I wish to know whether a unification theory amongst the various faiths prevalent in the world is not so implosible; that perhaps one can reconcile and bring together without disodence, without violence, a world where we might as one people (or many) live sustainably, not with discord but in some manner of peace.
I am at a loss for words, without understanding, and without hope. I have expressed my concern, perhaps not in the best way, perhaps not even coherently; for I am sure that I have left out much of what is truly on my mind. Please, any who have read this far, any who have maintained the patience to read through a troubled man's ramblings, give unto me something that might comfort my heart. For in no way can I ever come to understanding alone.
Thank you
C.
I do not think it necassary to give you an entire history of my life, however, as it is I who am asking for guidance, it would, I am sure, be more understandable to those offering assistance to at the very least be aquainted with a simple background, at the end of which I shall share some of the problems that I have been facing:
As a child, I grew up in a divided house. I lived with my father, who was a christian, or at least claimed to be. It was there that until I was fourteen, I attended a Catholic church and religion classes which culminated in my unwilling confirmation, after which I never professed any desire to remain in the catholic faith. However, when I was a freshman in high school, I met a young man of my own age who after we had gained a rather strong aquaintanceship, confided certain particulars of his faith to me. He invited me to attend his church and a youth convention where nearly three thousand teens congregated. I went to the convention with him. It was to be placed in Rochester, MN, which he told me was a good place to skateboard so that even if the convention proved to be a complete waste, I would at the very least enjoy skating in the city. This convention was not, however, a complete waste. In fact, it was there that I professed my first desire to become a Christian and had become a Christian, or so I thought at the time.
fast forward.
I spent the rest of my high school days attending his church (or mine as it had become). After high school, I moved to the city where for the first time I encountered a life that was completely devoid of the sheltered Christian atmosphere that pervaded my life until that time. I attended a music school, met people from different backgrounds, read extensivly, and in my first semester began to sense doubts in my faith. Those doubts ceased to abate over the course of the next 3-4 years. In fact, they increased exponentially as time went on.
In my second year, I encountered the writing and philosophies of various thinkers throughout history, many of which forced me to question many of the ideals that I held at the time. I became very interested in Buddhism, Hinduism, the rituals of Native Americans, as well as the philosophy of Nietzsche, Shoepenhouer, and the writings of Hermann Hesse. None of these interests, however, do I believe to be mistaken curiosities. For it is (as Nietzsche lived himself) far more courageous to attack ones convictions than merely to have them.
And so here I stand. I am 21, and through all of my constant questioning of the past few years, I have yet to find an answer that will give more than a fleeting sense of peace or understanding. In my youth I enjoyed the ignorant comfort of belief in a savior, in early adulthood I have rejected that understanding, and at the prospect of a future.....I stand uncertain.
I see much of what is happening in the world and I, by what in my youth have been taught, question whether it is not the fulfillment of what God has promised. Perhaps this is only a fleeting burst of emotion that will soon pass. I do not know. But at this moment, I wish to know whether by what evil I have done in the past, I can ever be forgiven. I wish to know whether one can reconcile the understanding of the Christian faith with our modern conception of history, science, and psychology. I wish to know whether a unification theory amongst the various faiths prevalent in the world is not so implosible; that perhaps one can reconcile and bring together without disodence, without violence, a world where we might as one people (or many) live sustainably, not with discord but in some manner of peace.
I am at a loss for words, without understanding, and without hope. I have expressed my concern, perhaps not in the best way, perhaps not even coherently; for I am sure that I have left out much of what is truly on my mind. Please, any who have read this far, any who have maintained the patience to read through a troubled man's ramblings, give unto me something that might comfort my heart. For in no way can I ever come to understanding alone.
Thank you
C.
