Please Help

[needinghelp]

hi..
i joined this site today because i dont know who to talk to about this.
the history: myself (20) and my girlfriend (18) have been dating for almost 2 years... we met at a week long christian retreat. she lived in another state, but this year, moved here for school so that we could be closer. things moved quickly, and as of january, we have been basicly living together.
the problem: one day in oct. i was looking thru the internet history (trying to find i site i had visited) on her computer and found many disturbing sites; gay couple chat sites, bi sexual dating chat sites, and an alternate email address she uses containing the word lebian.
i decided to confront her, i asked "is there anything really important your not telling me" and she said no.. so i went on and said, "it's ok, i know that your interested in girls, we can work thru this"
well, she got soooo mad that i would make this accusation, she insisted that she went to these sites because she thought it was really funny.. she promised me, and so im left with no choice but to believe her.

everything was fine, but recently i have had suspition that she was doing things again.. everytime i would come home from school, she wouldnt even look at me, i could tell that she was hurrying to close the internet before i could see what was on her screen, and then she would act all lovey dovey.

i know i shouldnt have done this, but it was really bothering me and i wanted to help her if she was infact attracted to the same sex, so i installed a program on her computer that would track the websites she visits.
i felt horrible doing this... but the first time i checked it, my suspitions were right. i checked back every now and then (i want to make sure before i approach her again about the subject), and everytime i had been at school, she had been visiting these sites.
i managed to see some of what she had been saying on these sites. a lot of it was very dirty and directed to the same sex.
in general, she was saying that she loves her boyfriend, but that she is bisexual and wants more then anything to expirience another girl.
i know she loves me, and i know she would never leave me, but one of these girls she talks to is 25, living in the same city, and intersted and getting together with her (as is she).
i dont know what to do. im completely stuck. i just found out that last stuff i told you, and im shaking. im scared ill lose her, im scared she might do something stupid. the list is endless.
i want to tell her i know and that its okay, we will work thru this together, but its so hard.
i want to tell her that this is wrong, but im affraid that she will then question this for the rest of her life, and continue on behind my back. then again, i want her to be happy (as i know this is causing her a lot of confussion and frustration too) and so ive thought about telling her she can try... but then im affraid she may like it and do it often behind my back.
im so lost. im praying but im to frustrated to hear the answer... please give me the best and most honest opinions you can.
i dont want to lose her, i love her with all my heart, and i know she feels the same about me.

thanks for your time, and im sorry i had to bring this problem here..

 

[Grishnak]

heh.

I found a letter to my exwife from her lesbian friend stating the she loved her and didnt just want to be with her for getting in her pants.
Fairly obvious what is gong on there.
The wife tried to stab me with a ink pen when I mentioned it.

She says she didnt.
The note implied she did.
She was a habitual liar about everything else in our marriage.
I can see the writing on the wall...er... note

 

[Grishnak]

by the way.

I think during younger years it is normal for some to experience an ''interest'' in the same sex.
I dont know what causes it, but Ive seen far too many heterosexuals who have admitted to me that they did experience it early on. (Im very persuasive)
And yes, there was a curiosity about it in my life way back when as well.

I think if you keep talking to her about it, letting her know that its normal to be curious for many, but we just dont act on that type of thing and pretty soon she'll be fine, then all will work ok great.


the trick is getting her to avoid it.
I know one lesbian who really seems to want to be with a guy, but she was indoctrinated very young by an older lesbian, so now she goes ahead and stays that way.
Ive seen the way she acts around the young, attractive guys though.
She saw this guy Johnny and I could tell she was about to melt into goo, but her lover came in and she got all stiffnecked again.

This will pass with your gf IF she will commit to setting aside that stuff.
The curiosity may always be there at points, but I get curious about jumpin out a 10th story window sometimes. Im just not willing to face the consequences

Hopefully she isnt either

 

[Saviot'Valuan]

Set this as her homepage when she isn't looking. It might make her mad, but if she's getting those feelings, maybe she should learn that she must change it. P.S. Maybe this is the wrong approach. Take Grishnaks advice instead.

http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com/home/

 

[InTheFlame]

NH - wow, that's a problem you've got on your hands. Basically, your GF is exhibiting all the signs of someone who's exploring the options for cheating. She may not be planning on cheating, she may just be curious... but if she's talking dirty-sexy to other people she's already cheated on you in a way.

So... what can you do?

First, I guess, you need to work out why she's doing this. Has she been abused? Is she confused about her sexuality? Is she just not overly interested in being faithful to you?

Second, you probably need to work out what you're prepared to put up with - and what you're not. Is it OK by you for her to visit these sites, talk this way, flirt (even if 'only online') with other people?

Third, once you've worked out what you're not prepared to put up with.... what are you going to do about it? You need to realise that this may come down to a simple ultimatum - them or you. And you need to be prepared to let go... or else you might as well just decide now to put up with anything she throws at you. Know what I mean? Some ideas for things you could request from her (keep in mind that you can't force her to do anything) - christian counselling for her, relationship counselling for both of you, a relationship course.

Fourth - and this really should be first but I'm too lazy to do the editing - you need support. People who will listen to you, care about you both, who'll want the best for you, who you can be honest and vulnerable with. The most likely way to find these people is to go to church and get involved in a home group/bible study/small group... and/or ask for a mentor. Or maybe there's a support group in your area.

I hope this helps. God bless. Praying for you both.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Guys are not the only ones who get involved in stuff like this.
But girls are not "supposed to do stuff like that." So it is very shameful and embarassing and hard for them to talk about it or admit it.
I know this is a huge mess for you. But maybe you can help her out of her mess.

Try to remain her friend through this. There is no telling how much baggage is attached to this emotionally for her. But you know now. Loving her as a sister and friend rather than rejecting her I think will help her out.

Man. I'm sorry about this. But maybe this will all work out in the end. If anything maybe she'll get straightened out. Poor you and poor her.

 

[Grishnak]

Set this as her homepage when she isn't looking. It might make her mad, but if she's getting those feelings, maybe she should learn that she must change it. P.S. Maybe this is the wrong approach. Take Grishnaks advice instead.

http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com/home/

oh man

That is diabolical

I love that homepage idea

 

[needinghelp]

thanks for the quick responses everyone, i was really suprized.

the webpage idea was a good thought, but trust me, if she did get the refference, she would only take it as an insult and nothing good would come of it.
as per relationship counciling, theres no way she would even let me finish the sentence! she feels very strongly about keeping things to ourselves, hence why i feel so bad posting this.
i will have to talk to her.. you guys made some interesting points... but how does one bring something like that up? like i said, the last time i did, she got so mad at me that she locked me out of the room and wouldnt talk for about 4 hours, because i "didnt trust" her. and like Grishnak said, HE GOT STABBED WITH A PEN!!! i love my girlfriend, but when she gets angry, she gets angry!! so how would i avoid this??

 

[JWBZ SVT]

I would have a hard time trusting her with her exhibiting the behavior that you described. She definatley sounds bi-curious and if I was to place a bet, I'd lay $$$ on that she will experience it with or without you.

Bro., there are women out there who will treat you right and have the actions and lifestyle that you would never have to question or load a program for tracking.

Just my $0.02...

1. Get separate living quarters. Your living with her will not stop her from doing whatever.

2. Be willing to let her go--she sounds as if she could take off on her own anyway.

3. Do this before anger and resentment take hold of both of you.

4. Pray, pray, pray, get in Church and hang out with Christians from your church.

5. Can you put up with this for the rest of your life? What if the two of you get married, have children and then she up and leaves or gets caught? How would that affect the children? IMO, cheating isn't only done with the opposite sex.

So, had this been a guy she was talking to and not a girl, would your reaction had been any different?