Please help me!

[cmarie423]

Hi, well just starting off I am really upset. I feel like I'm driving everyone away. My boyfriend/fiance and I have been having alot of problems. Mainly ones I keep starting because I'm totally jealous of his friends. Anyways my mom has caused alot of problems between us and it's really really hard especially since its long distance. Basically anytime he does anything with his friends I freak out and get super jealous. I just want to be happy for him. I have no idea how to do that though. I've been through alot so I'm always scared someone or something is going to take my place. I try to control everything so it doesnt turn into some horrible situation but, I wind up doing the opposite...I just want some advice on how to deal with everything....I don't want things to end because I'm being really stupid...
Please help.
God Bless..

 

[Wandering Cat Lady]

Whoo hoo, my 500th post! I think that makes me a senior member...lol

Anyway, First of all, you are not being stupid. If you think that way, you definitely won't get anywhere. Some of the things you are feeling and even are doing may seem stupid, but don't downgrade yourself at all. And until you cover all the bases, don't blame it on either one of you. Find the source of the problem.

When he does something with his friends, do you feel like he should be spending that time with you?

Do you have a best friend? Do you have an older woman you can go talk to as kind of a mentor but also friend about anything and get good advice?

Do you feel like your bf is filling your love needs as best he can or do you feel like he can do more?

See there's so very much behind the scenes that sometimes you don't even think about. I too was jealous of my FH whenever he'd do something with his friends (and still am to a certain point). I would get mad at him and he knew it, even though it was subtle and I never said anything directly. The first problem was that I didn't have anyone to talk to except for him. So while he was off doing his thing, I had nothing to do when he could have been talking to me or hanging out with me. When I started to fill the time with things I liked to do...riding horses, finding a friend to hang out with, and even going to the point of accepting his friends and trying to learn how to have fun with them. Once I got past that obstacle there were other things to deal with.

He didn't realize that I needed...quality time with him and more of it, more hugs and holding, more talk time, etc. Once someone else (a very close friend of mine and also counselor) opened his eyes to it, he became more aware of it and did something about it. It wasn't an instant change, of course. It took time for him to remember and learn about it and he had to change for that.

Also, I had to be willing to change. One of the often forgotten aspects of a relationship as serious as marriage is that we can not always maintain the exact lifestyle that we lead now. That was a mistake on both of our parts and we both had to change. He thought he could keep hanging out with his friends and doing the same things as he was. I thought the same, though I was slightly more flexible because I had nothing to do. You BOTH have to be willing to change and adapt to eachother's lifestyle because one day, those lifestyles will come together in marriage and you'll ultimately have to work them out together. That's not to say you can't do your own things...in fact, if you did everything together, it simply wouldn't be healthy.

Remember that a guy NEEDS his time with his friends. This is not an option, he needs it. He needs his lone time, his time to recuperate after a days work, etc. He cannot always be there for you, get over it. Even if you feel like you can always be there for him, you're two totally different people and you have to be willing to adapt to that. You'll find that if you give him his time, even if you sit there wishing he'd be with you, he'll be more attentive to you and more with it.

It's all a big learning process. You're very young and these feelings are probably all new and different to you. It takes a lot of time, effort, sweat and blood to get to the point where you can see and accept eachother's differences. You and your BF should talk about these things, you really should. He won't be as apt to talk most likely, but if you've got true love going on, he should listen to your concerns. How old is he? Even if he's 18, he's still quite young...it takes guys longer to grow up. Heck, my fiance is 22 and even though he can write things that are on the level of a college graduate, he still needs his time with friends, he still needs his time to be a little boy, he needs his games, and I tell you, the best thing I ever did was let him have it.

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this stuff. Just remember that true love suffers long. This is what will BUILD your relationship IF you let it. It can tear it down, but it can also help build it. It's all in the reaction and what you do with it. If you make that choice that you're going to take the energy of this problem and direct it towards solving the problem instead of finding blame, as hard as it is, you'll find that it will come out better and you and your BF will find that you are closer than ever before.

Good luck and God bless!

 

[nbiol]

Hi, well just starting off I am really upset. I feel like I'm driving everyone away. My boyfriend/fiance and I have been having alot of problems. Mainly ones I keep starting because I'm totally jealous of his friends. Anyways my mom has caused alot of problems between us and it's really really hard especially since its long distance. Basically anytime he does anything with his friends I freak out and get super jealous. I just want to be happy for him. I have no idea how to do that though. I've been through alot so I'm always scared someone or something is going to take my place. I try to control everything so it doesnt turn into some horrible situation but, I wind up doing the opposite...I just want some advice on how to deal with everything....I don't want things to end because I'm being really stupid...
Please help.
God Bless..

I know we've all heard in 1 Corinthians... "Love does not envy" or "love isnt jealous" depending on what version of the Bible one reads, but it may seem impossible to not be jealous, ESPECIALLY in an LDR. I'm in one myself, and whenever I find myself getting a little bit jealous that he can go out to the movies with his friends or is going to do stuff with his CU groupies (yes mikey, i DID just call them groupies ) I realize that he has two choices. To follow me and do whatever I want him to and to be basically a servant to me and MY wishes or he can go out and have fun with his friends that are there, getting close to God together . When I put it like that in my brain, I chastize myself for being so completely stupid. (No, I'm NOT calling you stupid. That'd be mean I'm saying my thoughts are stupid...lol)

I realize you want time with your boyfriend. Heh, I want time with my boyfriend like you wouldnt believe (stupid ocean! *shakes fist*). But there are times when I realize that love isnt about me. Love is about putting the other person's feelings above your own. Sheesh, I get to talk to him AT LEAST 5 days a week, if not 7, who am I to say who he goes out and does things with? He needs a life as do I and we cant spend 24/7 together.

How to be happy for him? Simple. Put his feelings above your own. Rejoice when he rejoices, be sad when he's sad, lift him up in times of trouble, make him smile when he wants to cry his eyes out, and just be there for him. I think the question is more of a how to be in a happy relationship...and we dont want happy relationships. No... we want God-filled and joy filled relationships. Once God is in the center of the relationship and your eyes arent focused on the other person, but on God, he'll make a LOT of things easier for you. I was freaked out about telling my parents about Michael and I.... seeing as we've never met, i had no clue how they'd take it, but because my eyes were focused on God and my parents could see it, they trusted me and boy did God make that easy. I dunno that Michael and I have been in a fight during our whole 7 months (almost 8!!!!) of courting... because we regard each other as higher than ourselves and God as highest of all.

Did that make sense? If you have any questions, feel free to PM me
Lisa

 

[The Princess Bride]

I think very highly of the two young ladies who posted before me,and agree with what they said.

I suppose my only question is why are you jealous of your BF's pals?

 

[Johnnz]

I suspect you have insecurities and that lies behind your apparent jealousy.

John
NZ