Please help me and my child.

[DawnMarie]

I've been running three different work-at-home companies. They all require your friends to have "parties." I've partied out everyone I know. I do have a few prospects that are reluctantly thinking about it. I printed some flyers to post in the grocery stores.

I'm in a pretty small town. Our two gyms make you pay for your child if you work there. Three of our daycare facilities say you get NO discount for having your children there, and one says you'll get a discount. But they aren't hiring.

I applied at the hardware store to work as a cashier. My sister-in-law is trying to get a waitressing job. But those just don't pay much. I'm worried that by the time I pay the sitter and taxes, I'll be working for 99 cents an hour. I don't know. I'm praying. Also have a friend trying to get Boscov's store to look at my application. Ditto about the money vs. the sitter/taxes. So far, I think the hardware store is the best option...but I'm just guessing. I don't know from experience. I'm thinking of asking my grandmother-in-law if she will watch my child two half-days while I work. Even if she agrees to one day, that's one less day that I'll have to pay for a sitter.

I JUST DON'T KNOW!!!! I hate this. I just keep reminding myself that she'll be in school next August. Then I can work a day job easily. It's just the GETTING there that's killing me. I guess I could just run up the credit card debt, and pay it off when she's in school. I know that's a ridiculous thing to do. But honestly, what else can you do when you've used all your money to pay the bills, and you need to buy groceries. And your husband is still going to buy cigarettes whether you have food or not.

Sometimes I wonder how I got here. It all happened so fast that I didn't notice how the finances were falling apart until...boom...bottom line. Thank heavens I had a considerable amount of money in the bank to get us through the first three years! It could've been worse. If I was trying to make this decision with a little baby at home, I probably would've been throwing up with fear. At least my child is old enough to let me know if there's something wrong with the people who are watching her. I pray that God watches over her while I'm not there.

Do me a favor, and pray that God gives me a neon sign so I don't screw this up and go down the wrong road! Thanks for everything.

 

[E-beth]

Dawn Marie, I am praying so hard for you!! I know all too well the fear of knowing the baby has no more milk or diapers and the bank account is empty...

PLEASE try to not leave your daughter with someone you don't trust. No amount of money is worth having a child hurt.

GOD WILL FIND A WAY! Let's keep hoping and praying and believing that God will make it evident what He would have you do.

Also, one thing my husband taught me whenever we were really struggling....if you have to decide to have paid bills or food on the table, then don't pay all teh bills. I HATED that, and it stressed me out so much that I had to have him take over the money management. He would either pay part of the bills or skip it til the next month and then he would pay double and half a different bill. But as our situation improved, we were able to pay them all mostly on time.

Also, do you qualify for the WiC program and the state child health insurance programs? And don't forget about local food pantries. It was the hardest thing to have to go to one, but circumstances meant either do it or the baby would go hungry.

 

[DawnMarie]

Thanks, Ebeth. We don't qualify for anything because my husband's gross income is $50,000. Of course we live on the net, which is $25,000 for the three of us, two visiting step-children twice a week, a dog and two cats. I'm trying very hard to not hate the ex-wife who has all of our money. Her monthly mortgage is $500, and takes $850 a month out of my husband's paycheck. And she works full time.

I'm trying hard to not hate Domestic Relations for taking so much away from my child to give to her children. It's like mine doesn't exist. It makes for hurt feelings and a really tough situation. Especially when she's out at the bars buying beer three nights a week on the money we give her. Sigh.

You know what? I'm just hopeless. Just pray for us when you get a chance. I paid the bills and my husband yelled at me. I guess maybe I need to try the "buy the food" thing instead of "pay the bills" thing. How long could that possibly last before everything is shut off? I couldn't pay the whole heating bill, anyways. They haven't called me to yell yet. I'm not even answering the phone anymore. I hate this.

I asked my husband if his grandmother would watch my child so I could work two days a week. He said, "Probably. But we'd have to pay her something. She doesn't have much." I just sat there looking at him. He's totally oblivious to our financial situation. It's like talking to a three year old. I said she can't have less than us. Can't we just send food for them to eat...we don't have money. (My mother gave me food...which makes me feel rotten somehow.) He said she has less than us. How can you have less than nothing? I don't get it. She has a rental unit for income. I thought it would cheer her up to have my child once or twice a week. Now even that seems unlikely.

Did you ever feel like God just WANTED you in your little dark pit of despair? I'm really starting to get angry. All of my Bible Study classes for moms say that God wants us to stay at home and raise our children. So I do. Now that she's used to having me 24/7, she might have to be dumped with a sitter full time so I can work full time. Or option #2 is divorce my selfish husband (gee...THAT ought make God happy) and go on welfare (joy, joy) and go back to school for free to be a dental hygienist so I can make $25 an hour, and never have to deal with his wicked ex-wife or his selfishness again. But that means my child is STILL without me for now. THAT'S what I'm trying to avoid. If I could just get a part-time job that paid enough for me to pay a sitter and still make a buck or two...she'd only be without me one or two days a week. Geeze. Or if someone would start booking parties again for my work-at-home companies.

I gotta go clean something.

 

[Tangnefedd]

All of my Bible Study classes for moms say that God wants us to stay at home and raise our children.

Maybe it is ideal if you can stay at home to raise the children, but if you have to work so that they are decently fed and clothed that is what you have to do. The ladies at your Bible classes are probably not in your financial mess, otherwise they would be singing from a different hymn sheet!!!!!

 

[E-beth]

WOW Dawn Marie...

I could have sooo written your last post!

My husband is temporarily (we hope) disabled and can' t work. Because of his injury, he lost his job, so we had to pay for any health insurance we have so of course now I don't have any. And my husband's ex-wife makes very little, only works part-time but makes money under the table so what she reports gets her all kinds of benefits. Then on top of it, we aren't allowed to see the daughter!

It is easy to be mad at God, when you wonder if He is really there and cares at all. But if you stop and look at things, you will see that He never lets you starve and somehow you are always OK. For me, I got money from Mom as well, then donations from every family member who knew what we were living like. I was so ashamed, but then I realized that it was Providence.

I am concerned that your husband is unaware of how you are suffering. If you two aren't going through this together, then the marriage could crumble. I also thought at times, "if I just leave I could make a better life for my son. I might make little money, but I would qualify for help." Once he made me so mad that I asked him how he would feel paying out child support for this child too! But in retrospect, the money wasn't my beef with my husband. I wanted him to support his family better so I could be a more constant presence for my son! I blamed him for putting us in the mess to begin with. And I really felt I was carrying the burden alone. I also want to be a stay home mom, but right now it just isn't going to happen. I hate leaving him to go to work, but I know the money is so desperately needed. And now my husband takes care of the bills, the collection calls, and the bank accounts. Once he could see where the outgo was bigger than the income, he was more supportive of my position and helped me work to make ends meet.

I wish I had the magical solution for you. But I do pray God's peace to flow over you. God will help you get through this.

We have alot in common. Not just circumstances but mostly feelings. Please PM me any time you want. Cause I seriously understand.

 

[DawnMarie]

He says he "gets it." What he says and what he does is a big, fat contradiction.

I'm not hearing anything back from my applications. I still don't know who would watch her if I did get a job. Scary.

Found this: Heb 12:5 And you have forgotten the exhortation which speaks to you as to sons: "My sons, do not despise the chastening of the Lord, Nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him; For whom the Lord loves He chastens, And scourges every son whim He receives."

Pet 1, 4:8 And above all things have fervent love for one another, for "love will cover a multitude of sins."

Thank heavens for that one.

Still praying.

 

[E-beth]

For You Dawn Marie:

A Woman's Prayer

Dear Lord,

I pray for:

Wisdom to understand my man
Love to forgive him
Patience for his moods

Because Lord if I pray for Strength,

I might punch his lights out.

Still praying DM.

And the verse that gets me through the tough times is --
Jeremiah 29
11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD , "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

 

[faith177]

 

[cjba]

We don't all get to be stay at home moms. Sometimes, yes we do need to get childcare. Sometimes it feels as if it is not worth the money we get after paying for childcare. But the fact remains the same; money is needed in the home and some money is better than none. Your husband does not have a low income even with the child support. Their are many people that live with less than what he makes. Be grateful that the situation is not worse. Call a consumer credit counseling agency to help you with a budget. I had the opportunity to stay at home with my children for a couple of years when they were younger and it was wonderful. However, time passed and it was time for me to start working again. I gradually went back into the workforce working part time and gradually to full time. I had no one to take care of my children. I had to put an ad in the paper for a live in sitter in the beginning. Then I hired someone to come into our home. I wanted my children to have the comfort of home. This was a little more costly and took a bit out of my paycheck. But this is what had to be done. This was the best thing I could do for my children. They learned to have independence. They learned to share responsibility in the household duties. They learned to deal with their conflicts with each other with out mom or dads input. They learned to budget their own finances with the money they earned or were given. I was able to put money away for college for my daughter. Your child will be fine with you working. I think mom is the one afraid of letting go. We all have to do what we have to do.

 

[faith177]

There are ways to make it, There was a thread about frugalality, it helps. I save alot at thrift shops, and finding the best sales at different stores. We also dont have cable tv which I think can be a pretty hefty bill. Is there any things in your life that you can look at and maybe work around. there is a great magazine, I cant remember the name but it is awsome has great ideas to pay off debt and live cheaper. I read it at the library so when I go there I will find out the name and post it.....

 

[Katty]

I'm not married nor do I have any children, but when I was younger and my mom was doing odd jobs here and there (my dad's a pastor and the ministry field isn't a field filled with earthly "treasures" and benefits), my mom had some friends within her Bible Study group who helped watch and babysit us. Since she knew them on a more personal note and knew who would be good with us, my mom was confident that we'd be ok. We turned out decent... I think hehehe. You're in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that things start to look up. Behind every cloud is a silver lining... we just have to wait for the storm to pass.

~Katty~

 

[faith177]

ok the magazine is cheapskate monthly, it is excellent for getting out of debt, the author has also written some books her newest is debt-proof your marriage- Her name is Mary Hunt. Her web site is www.cheapskatemonthly.com

 

[Crofter]

Having children is very difficult. Having children on an overly tight budget is very difficult. Having children without the loving and trusted support of grandparents is very difficult.


But these difficulties are all a part of our devotion to our children. We push on because of our love and we as a family unit is what is precious.

Never leave your kids with someone you don't trust! Even if they are your own family! You will get trough this stage and in the future times will be better and it will be easier.


Being at home with your kids may be struggle, and is problematic, but sometimes it is even the cheaper option.... working so often costs much more... sometimes we just don't have the choice and simply have to care four our children ourselves as best we can.


Hello Tang btw.... how are you! ( Jan from Prem! )

 

[DawnMarie]

Well, thanks to everyone. E-beth, tried to send a message to you. Can't do it for some reason. (I don't know what I'm doing wrong.)

I did work when my child's daddy was at home to watch her (when he had a specific "start" time at work.) It was actually a relief to get a break from being a 24 hour a day, 7 days a week mommmy for 4.5 years. It's a wonder that I haven't gone berserk and burned the house down by now. "Going to work" isn't the issue for me. Leaving her with strangers is the issue. I think even if I had two children it would feel safer than having one...alone...by herself. It's a cruel world, and I've had several pervert adults try to do awful things to me when I was young and afraid. I don't want my child to be subjected to the sick-o's in the world. And I don't think I'm "paranoid" because of my own experiences. If you think I am, then I think you're naiive. I don't think I was the "unusual" circumstance. I think the predators are everywhere. One out of 3.5 girls are raped by the time they're 18. Those are the REPORTED incidents. Almost every friend I know has admitted to having someone try to talk them into some sexual act. Look at the people who "tried" to do stuff to me: step-father, eye doctor during an exam, boyfriend's father, school teacher... It's not uncommon at all. In fact, when I find someone who wasn't abused, I consider them to be the exception. I can't even take my child to the park without seeing some sick-o smacking their kid around, or swearing at them or calling them names. Or watch the tv and see all of the abusive nannies and sitters, or even the parents. Read your local paper. It's a gamble to pick a stranger to watch your child. You can pick someone who you feel comfortable with...but there's no guarantee. I always said that if I didn't know the person, if they didn't have something to do with raising me right, I wouldn't let them alone with my child.

I'm going to keep looking for babysitting jobs that I can take her with me. Or hope my husband gets back on a regular schedule so I know when I can work. Or check back with my husband's grandma. I think the older people are, the less they understand what this world is like right now. If anyone isn't sure, just turn on your pop radio station. Listen to those lyrics. Or turn on the television after 10 PM and see that you pretty much cross the "porno" line.

Oh, yea...about losing the cable tv, I WHOLEHEARTEDLY agree. Unfortunately, my sports NUT husband said he would not live in a house without cable. He would leave us if we canceled the cable. He sounds lovely, doesn't he? Sometimes he's really nice. He just isn't a Christian. It was a decision that I'll have to live the rest of my life wondering about.

 

[gentle quiet spirit]

Phil.4:19-"My God will meet all your needs." Trust in Him. Go to Him in prayer, believing that He will meet your needs. I hope you will seriously consider E-beths suggestions, they are really good. Some really smart ideas! I will pray for you. Have confidence in the power of prayer. The powers of Heaven are released when one person prays!