i know and completely understand where you are coming from.... but you must understand that GOD knows your heart,, HE knows your scared, He knows you dont know if you are really sorry or if you are just scared of hell, etc....and HE knows you want to be sorry and want to love HIM.... and thats your start....
give it all over to HIM .... your mom or dad(no matter what you did, thought or how horrible you were to them) would shut the door on you forever because you are confused .... and GODS love is greater than that ... MUCH GREATER.... AND SO IS HIS PATIENCE...
you just said you dont want to be that way, rite?? but you dont feel like you can help the way you feel... etc.... thats ocd....
if you had done anything unpardonable..... then you wouldnt be on here AT ALL because you wouldnt be searching and asking or scared at all...
if you believe in God( which is apparent or you wouldnt be scared or care) then you have to believe that HE knows alllll about you... good ,bad and the ugly... every thought every sin, EVERYTHING,... and HE STILL DIED FOR YOU.....HE came for the sinners NOT the righteous THANK GOODNESS or we would all be doomed....
every pastor i have ever talked to says the same thing.... "if you are worried you committed the unpardonable sin... then you HAVENT'... because that is sayinG AND believeing completely in your heart that Jesus is NOT GODS SON and HE IS from the devil.... now just because you have had crazy thoughts doesnt mean you actually believe them(altho OCD MAKES YOU FEEL THAT WAY AND THE DEVIL LOVES THAT FACT AND USES IT ... its a battle in your mind NOT your spirit....
if we believed everything , and did everything completely right, we wouldnt have needed JESUS....heck I still dont understand it all... but i choose to believe it!!!
matthew 9:12...on hearing this Jesus said"it is not the healthy that need a doctor, but the sick, but go and learn what this means, I desire mercy, not sacrifice, for i have not come to call the righteous, but sinners..."
mark 9:23-24"If you can? said Jesus."everything is possible for him who believes" immediately the boys father exclaimed"i do believe; HELP ME OVERCOME MY UNBELIEF!"
I TRULY BELIEVE THESE WORDS IN THE BOOK OF MARK ARE TO COMFORT US WHEN WE WAIVER.......
HE KNOWS WE ARE HUMAN..... HE MADE US....
LOVE ,
PJ