Planning My Eventual Funeral

[Zacki]

I don't know where to start & I don't know who or how to ask these things. I would like my preacher to do my funeral service. When, nobody knows but likely within 10 years. Do I ask him? Or just tell my wife to ask him after I die? Do I pay him? If so how much? Also, do I need to talk to funeral homes & cemeteries to reserve a place for me? FWIW I'm 67 & have health issues. There is a life insurance policy to pay for the costs. Also my wife wants to be buried where her parents are & that's 650 miles away. I don't know any preachers 650 miles away & I'm not sure my preacher wants to make a 1,300 miles trip. I don't want my wife to figure all this out when I'm gone. Assuming she outlives me.

 

[essentialsaltes]

It's a good idea to let loved ones know what your wishes are.

There are a lot of planner-type books where you can fill-in-the-blank with all sorts of information for the benefit of those you leave behind. What your wishes are. Where your accounts are located. How to contact the insurance company. This can be helpful not only because the conversations can be awkward, but without everything written down on paper, people will forget.

 

[PloverWing]

I have this one: "I'm Dead, Now What?", from Peter Pauper Press, I'm Dead, Now What? Organizer .

Your pastor is a good person to talk to, especially about the religious components of the funeral. He's likely done lots of funerals in the past, and he should be able to have a good, straightforward conversation with you. If you don't know where to start with any of this, he may also be able to recommend good local funeral homes and cemeteries. He may also know something about the logistics of having a funeral in city X but a burial in city Y.

 

[Robban]

I don't know where to start & I don't know who or how to ask these things. I would like my preacher to do my funeral service. When, nobody knows but likely within 10 years. Do I ask him? Or just tell my wife to ask him after I die? Do I pay him? If so how much? Also, do I need to talk to funeral homes & cemeteries to reserve a place for me? FWIW I'm 67 & have health issues. There is a life insurance policy to pay for the costs. Also my wife wants to be buried where her parents are & that's 650 miles away. I don't know any preachers 650 miles away & I'm not sure my preacher wants to make a 1,300 miles trip. I don't want my wife to figure all this out when I'm gone. Assuming she outlives me.

Something I have been wondering is if I should write down my

wishes and all bank details, put it in an envelope and seal it.

Write on the outside, "To be opened when my time is up."

Have not gotten around to it yet

Edit, have to correct myself, I have only two wishes.


1, That I NOT be cremated.
2, any cash over goes to my daughter.

 

[Laodicean60]

I don't know where to start

Good advice from these fellas. Internet is helpful but you must have a will if you have assets. With special instructions, like if you have baseball cards and you want to give them to a particular person. If you have lots of assets maybe see an estate planner.
When I buried my mom a few years ago the funeral home was very helpful. They do have information on planning. Does your wife have family able to help but the funeral home is the best bet to start. Peace

 

[Paidiske]

Some things will vary by country, so I'll let our American friends offer you more specific advice for how things work there.

I would encourage you to think about what you want to happen to your body; for example, burial (where?), cremation (what would you like to happen to your ashes afterwards?), and so on. That will shape what is possible and what must happen very soon after your death, when your family might not feel ready to make big decisions, so if you've decided and documented that, it will help a lot.

 

[Tuur]

Some things will vary by country, so I'll let our American friends offer you more specific advice for how things work there.

Some things vary from one side of a state to the other. One could just ask their pastor what they should do, or a local mortuary (if they are making plans there).

 

[Zacki]

Much thanks for the advice. I'll speak with my pastor after the next church service & if it's not a good time for him I'll ask when he's available.

 

[returntosender]

I don't know where to start & I don't know who or how to ask these things. I would like my preacher to do my funeral service. When, nobody knows but likely within 10 years. Do I ask him? Or just tell my wife to ask him after I die? Do I pay him? If so how much? Also, do I need to talk to funeral homes & cemeteries to reserve a place for me? FWIW I'm 67 & have health issues. There is a life insurance policy to pay for the costs. Also my wife wants to be buried where her parents are & that's 650 miles away. I don't know any preachers 650 miles away & I'm not sure my preacher wants to make a 1,300 miles trip. I don't want my wife to figure all this out when I'm gone. Assuming she outlives me.

You could do a holographic will or an online will. What's the importance of a preacher, unless you want services. You don't have to have them as to your wife's situation. I have done an holographic will, there are instructions online. Problem for me is mine is now obsolete. I suspect that is a common problem

 

[PloverWing]

What's the importance of a preacher, unless you want services.

Many Christians want Christian burial rites. It sounds like this is something Zacki wants.

 

[Daniel Marsh]

I don't know where to start & I don't know who or how to ask these things. I would like my preacher to do my funeral service. When, nobody knows but likely within 10 years. Do I ask him? Or just tell my wife to ask him after I die? Do I pay him? If so how much? Also, do I need to talk to funeral homes & cemeteries to reserve a place for me? FWIW I'm 67 & have health issues. There is a life insurance policy to pay for the costs. Also my wife wants to be buried where her parents are & that's 650 miles away. I don't know any preachers 650 miles away & I'm not sure my preacher wants to make a 1,300 miles trip. I don't want my wife to figure all this out when I'm gone. Assuming she outlives me.

Hi Zack, set up a zoom for the Pastor to be there.

 

[Paidiske]

I would not take a funeral by zoom. Personal presence matters so much when people are grieving.

 

[RileyG]

I think you should have this conversation with this wife and a lawyer if possible so all of your wishes are in paper.

God bless you. I will keep you in prayer.

 

[jayem]

Besides funeral arrangements, and a will specifying distribution of assets, there are 2 other documents everyone should have;

1) Durable Power of Attorney for medical decision making. You appoint someone--a family member or other trusted individual-- to act in your behalf with the medical personnel providing your care. Depending on your state, this person may be termed a health care surrogate, agent, proxy, or health care attorney-in-fact. This is a legal document that becomes active if you lose the capacity to make medical decisions yourself.

2) An Advance Directive, AKA a Living Will. This is a written statement specifying what medical treatments or interventions you want and don't want. To my knowledge, it's not a strict legal document. It's basically a list of instructions that your surrogate uses to inform the health care team of your wishes.

Having worked in health care for over 40 years, I've seen how destructive it can be to families, when a loved one is desperately ill, and has left no instructions on what treatment he/she desires. Everyone--no matter how young and fit you are now--should have these.

 

[Nithavela]

I don't know where to start & I don't know who or how to ask these things. I would like my preacher to do my funeral service. When, nobody knows but likely within 10 years. Do I ask him? Or just tell my wife to ask him after I die? Do I pay him? If so how much? Also, do I need to talk to funeral homes & cemeteries to reserve a place for me? FWIW I'm 67 & have health issues. There is a life insurance policy to pay for the costs. Also my wife wants to be buried where her parents are & that's 650 miles away. I don't know any preachers 650 miles away & I'm not sure my preacher wants to make a 1,300 miles trip. I don't want my wife to figure all this out when I'm gone. Assuming she outlives me.

Maybe you could be interred where you currently live, and when your wife dies your remains could be transferred to the place your wife prefers. I don't know how this works in the US, but in germany, this can be done after a request is made.