Physical intimacy before marriage

[SplendidTree]

And some people regret not having enough physical intimacy before marriage, especially when they encounter major problems of being intimate with their spouse.


On a side note, why all the fighting over physical intimacy but no debate on emotional intimacy. Is it ok to go 'all the way' emotionally before marriage?

Wow you know, I honestly didn't think of that before.

 

[Sketcher]

On a side note, why all the fighting over physical intimacy but no debate on emotional intimacy. Is it ok to go 'all the way' emotionally before marriage?

How close is "all the way" emotionally? How do you know when you've gone too far? Shouldn't your spouse also be your best friend in terms of closeness?

 

[dayhiker]

I personally agree with those that say if a person feels its wrong to do a sexual activity then it is wrong for them.

I've not felt the Holy Spirit saying no kissing etc to me.

As for the purity issue. Yes, our purity comes from Jesus. I don't see sexual activity or no sexual activity as determining our purity. What I see taking away purity in the Bible is idol worship.

 

[Marycita]

I asked the question in a rhetorical sense to open discussion of why we tend to treat emotional intimacy different from physical. I was hoping for more than a one word answer...

Oh, I know..I'm trying to get ready for work though, and don't have time for a whole big answer atm...plus, I am not sure that *this* is the thread for that discussion

 

[SullivanZ]

You know I did see a site that was talking about not getting physically or emotionally involved with anybody until the wedding day, claiming this was THE biblical approach to modern day relationships. I'm looking for it now, if I find it I will post it.

 

[Stravinsk]

cuddling and kissing, so long as it isn't sexual, is absolutely fine. for me personally I find it difficult to imagine being in a relationship without some kissing and cuddling and I think it'd be extremely hard for me to date someone who felt like it was sinful to do so ( I have a feeling physical touch is one of my top love languages).

That's where I am at. To me it's obvious that without *any* physical contact, be that a cuddle, a kiss or a hug - things are likely to die quick. Humans, male and female - need to touch and be touched. We need non sexual intimacy. There is a risk, however - that it will lead to more - as opposed to the couple who are extreme in their "no touching" rule. However I do doubt that such latter couples exist as couples for very long.

 

[MacFall]

You know I did see a site that was talking about not getting physically or emotionally involved with anybody until the wedding day, claiming this was THE biblical approach to modern day relationships.

Wow, that strikes me as incredibly destructive.

 

[Amber.ly]

And some people regret not having enough physical intimacy before marriage, especially when they encounter major problems of being intimate with their spouse.

Wow. I know about a million people who waited until marriage for their first kiss and they have had NO issues with being intimate with their spouse.

I don't need names but how many people have said this to you? That their problems of intimacy with their spouse was because of their lack of physical contact before marriage?

 

[Marycita]

Wow. I know about a million people who waited until marriage for their first kiss and they have had NO issues with being intimate with their spouse.

I don't need names but how many people have said this to you? That their problems of intimacy with their spouse was because of their lack of physical contact before marriage?

Yeah..I know plenty of people who have waited even for their first kiss as well...

and they are FAR from complaining

 

[lawtonfogle]

Oh, I know..I'm trying to get ready for work though, and don't have time for a whole big answer atm...plus, I am not sure that *this* is the thread for that discussion

Eh, I tend to go off topic far too easy. ADHD and all that.

 

[lawtonfogle]

You know I did see a site that was talking about not getting physically or emotionally involved with anybody until the wedding day, claiming this was THE biblical approach to modern day relationships. I'm looking for it now, if I find it I will post it.

Sounds like back in the day when the parents arranged the marriage.

 

[lawtonfogle]

Wow. I know about a million people who waited until marriage for their first kiss and they have had NO issues with being intimate with their spouse.

A million, wow.

I don't need names but how many people have said this to you? That their problems of intimacy with their spouse was because of their lack of physical contact before marriage?

A couple, but I don't tend to talk to people about this. We have to be close friends first. But I have been told by married couples they regretted waiting till marriage. The common factor among these couples is that they were required to wait to be married though.

In one case, the woman had basically no physical contact till marriage and once she was married, found out she can't stand being touched. If she had some more physical intimacy in her formative years, this wouldn't have happened. Thankfully, the marriage survived this upset and she has since gotten far better at being touched.

 

[OGM]

I don't think one can say "everyone should do this" or "nobody should do that" in regards to anything that isn't explicitly prohibited by God in scripture. Sure, lust is the same as adultery in God's eyes. But who is to say what will lead anyone but himself into lust? I have never really had much physical contact with women, even hugs - but I know from the little that I have had that I am not tempted to lust from physical contact that does not include sexual intent.

Excellent! Different people have different tolerance levels.

Christian culture (at least in the USA; not so much in other parts of the world) makes such a big freaking deal out of sex, piling rules upon rules about sex onto activities which are not sexual, it's no wonder that so many people would associate simple, casual contact with sex. But that's wrong. If you're tempted to lust by physical contact that lacks sexual intent, that's a weakness that you need to seek help from God to overcome.
You are right about this. Also you will find this changes greatly depending on what region of the U.S. you are talking about.

Also, I agree with the people who have said that the level of commitment in the relationship is pertinent. If you're planning to marry someone, there's no reason why you should stay three feet away from them at all times in order to avoid sexual desire from forming. You should desire that person sexually. It is only an issue of temptation if you are led to act on that desire before the final commitment of marriage has been made.

There is that “flee from temptation” scripture that is interpreted by some to mean, stay away. Also some people naturally have very low desire.

I think if you think cuddling is wrong, then it is wrong for you. If you are convicted in this way, you need to pay attention to your conscience. But, make sure it is your God-given conscience you're listening to and not someone else's.

Agreed

You have to go with your conscience and seek God in these matters, talk to your significant other about it. Important things are worthy of discussing. I also, personally, do not ascribe to the whole "treat the other person like they're your sibling" goo-lash. I don't date my brother. Never have. Never will. You don't date someone, call him your boyfriend, call him a significant other, want to eventually spend the rest of your life with (?) and have romantic feelings for someone if he is someone you do not even want to kiss, ever. I don't ever want to kiss my brother. Never have. Never will. Love you, bro. <3

Same for my Sister! Dating is not like hanging around with a sibling nor would I want it to be.

You know I did see a site that was talking about not getting physically or emotionally involved with anybody until the wedding day, claiming this was THE biblical approach to modern day relationships. I'm looking for it now, if I find it I will post it.

If you ever hear the term “Biblical Dating”, run as fast as you can. Dating did not exist in Biblical times.

Sounds like back in the day when the parents arranged the marriage.

Exactly! No lust that way. I would she it happening something like this. “Hey DNP200450, as your parents, we have decided who you wife will be. You will meet her in a week and marry 3-days after that. She is a good Christian lady BTW.” Under such a scenario lusting and burning with passion is greatly reduced or eliminated.

In one case, the woman had basically no physical contact till marriage and once she was married, found out she can't stand being touched.

Talk about a good place for a Lemon Law to exist. Perhaps it should be called THE MARITAL FRAUD ACT. It never amazes me how the people with the most issues are the best at cloaking their hang-ups until they are married. I am sure she knew that she did not like to be touched BEFORE she was married. She should have successfully dealt with the hang-up before she even started dating. How unfair!

 

[Stravinsk]

Wow. I know about a million people who waited until marriage for their first kiss and they have had NO issues with being intimate with their spouse.

I don't need names but how many people have said this to you? That their problems of intimacy with their spouse was because of their lack of physical contact before marriage?

That's impressive. I can't think of 20 people who have told me what level of physical intimacy they did or did not experience prior to getting married.

As for people who have trusted me to tell me anything related to their personal intimacy with their spouse - hmm...I can count them on one hand.

Yeah..I know plenty of people who have waited even for their first kiss as well...

and they are FAR from complaining

1) Christian community is notorious for people putting on moral airs for the sake of looking good to their fellow Christian peers. How do you know they aren't lying or stretching the truth?

2) This is only half related - but honestly - how many of those plenty of people would confide in you intimacy problems in their marriage?

 

[Blank123]

meh. all this arguing over kissing before marriage is basically arguing assumptions built on silence (if they don't talk about intimacy problems, they must be having them!) or anecdotal (my friend waited for her wedding day to kiss and she has no intimacy problems whatsoever!). which, basically, means that neither side has much to argue from and again all we're left with are our own personal convictions on the topic.

and TBH - the argument that couples *need* to kiss or cuddle before marriage to explore intimacy and see if they're a good match in that area is getting pretty close to the argument that couples need to sleep together before marriage to see if their a good match in that area. Its kind of a slippery slope. I dunno about the rest of you, but I hope my marriage will have a stronger foundation than whether or not he's a good kisser.

for me. Yes. I would need a man that is comfortable with kissing and cuddling. but then neither of those things present me with any kind of temptation to go further. I certainly don't claim to speak for all Christians who may actually struggle as a result of those things. All things are permitted, but not all are beneficial. Lets show some grace for the people who do struggle and set up those boundaries for their own sake.

 

[Stravinsk]

Ok...now I'm curious. Who among you has had a relationship (NOT a long distance or internet relationship but one where you are physically present to the other person) where there was absolutely no physical contact at all? No kissing, no cuddles, no hugs - nada. And secondly - how long did it last?

 

[If Not For Grace]

you shouldn't do anything that you wouldn't feel comfortable doing with your brother or sister...

I'm from the Deep South (that could get dangerous-we marry cousins you know) (SCNR)

 

[MacFall]

meh. all this arguing over kissing before marriage is basically arguing assumptions built on silence (if they don't talk about intimacy problems, they must be having them!) or anecdotal (my friend waited for her wedding day to kiss and she has no intimacy problems whatsoever!). which, basically, means that neither side has much to argue from and again all we're left with are our own personal convictions on the topic.

And that is what I'm arguing for.

Your convictions are yours. Your limits are yours. They may not be mine. What is the best for you won't be the best for the next guy (or girl). You don't need to impress your convictions and limitations on other people, nor do you have to defend your convictions and limitations when other people criticize them. God made people different from one another for a reason, and those who will try to homogenize a Church body made of billions of different individuals by issuing extra-scriptural, universal rules on their behavior (based, at best, on their interpretation of a few verses) are best ignored, in my opinion.

 

[Blank123]

And that is what I'm arguing for.

Your convictions are yours. Your limits are yours. They may not be mine. What is the best for you won't be the best for the next guy (or girl). You don't need to impress your convictions and limitations on other people, nor do you have to defend your convictions and limitations when other people criticize them. God made people different from one another for a reason, and those who will try to homogenize a Church body made of billions of different individuals by issuing extra-scriptural, universal rules on their behavior (based, at best, on their interpretation of a few verses) are best ignored, in my opinion.

exactly.

 

[Marycita]

1) Christian community is notorious for people putting on moral airs for the sake of looking good to their fellow Christian peers. How do you know they aren't lying or stretching the truth?

2) This is only half related - but honestly - how many of those plenty of people would confide in you intimacy problems in their marriage?

1) It's genuine...you can see it in their eyes and the way they interact with each other

2) Well, not all of the plenty...but clearly you've never been around a group of my girl cousins