Physical intimacy before marriage

[Blank123]

cuddling and kissing, so long as it isn't sexual, is absolutely fine. for me personally I find it difficult to imagine being in a relationship without some kissing and cuddling and I think it'd be extremely hard for me to date someone who felt like it was sinful to do so ( I have a feeling physical touch is one of my top love languages).

The Bible doesn't say anything about either, so for any church to preach against either as sinful would be a sin in and of itself in leading people into legalism. What they can and should be doing is encouraging those who are weak in this area to set up stricter boundaries for themselves and to ask for accountability. but its wrong to assume everyone struggles and that cuddling/kissing is the trigger for sin. Sin originates in the heart, not whether we've got matching rings on our fingers when we hug our SOs

 

[Spirit_Star]

I can understand from the POV that cuddling can lead to other things. I don’t think cuddling, kissing, hugging is wrong however. People can do this and not have it lead to sex it just deepens on the will-power of those involved. If they can draw a line and say we are only going to go this far. If its important of to them to wait until their wedding night or something (engaged) if they feel they cant handle Cuddling,kissing then they may not want to do it.

 

[.Mikha'el.]

I don't know how to answer this question without getting into a debate on how to interpret 2 Timothy 3:16 first, because I think how most Christians take it is actually extremely fallacious logically, and that impacts my respose to the OP's question.

 

[SullivanZ]

Yes, I agree with you completely, little tigress! Could not have said it any better myself!

 

[justaguy78]

I see nothing wrong with hugging and kissing and to be honest, anything for that matter because I am in no position to judge others nor is any human.

What I don't think is right is when people who say they plan to be virgins until marriage engage in non-vaginal intercourse sex acts and still consider themselves virgins, especially those who are religious and do this.

I couldn't imagine people being told they shouldn't hold hands/cuddle/kiss before marriage and those telling them that saying it is what God wants. That to me is incredibly egotistical and is actually a slap in the face of God because it is what a human believes and is using God as the support to scare people into doing what they want. If a person is religious and prays to god and feels they have a relationship with God then couldn't they just ask God if it is OK rather than someone else telling them God doesn't want them to do it?

I also can't imagine people in this day and age not having any form of physical contact with someone before marriage given that it isn't like this is the day of shotgun or arranged marriages. So someone is supposed to date someone for months/years and not touch the other person until they get married months/years later? Yeah ok. All I'd think that would lead to is either frustration, potential straying or rushed marriages leading people to be miserable if things don't work out or they get divorced.

 

[Sketcher]

The road to hell is paved with good intentions and thats important to remember.

Which is why you don't have to agree with all their rules. I sure don't. The point is to not get people spinning out of control before they get married. I would hope you agree with that as well.

But the question has to be asked if they are doing harm to the faith as a whole. My answer is most certainly yes. I belive the purity cult is destroying Christianity by warping its priorities and destroying its teachings.

When we talk about purity in the sexual sense, completly lost is the reality that purity only comes from Christ and no where else. In Christ a prostitute can be more pure then fresh snowfall. Without Christ the most innocent virgin is more disgusting and polluted then raw sewage.

I don't think that's lost on them, actually. In fact, they not only acknowledge that, but use it as the basis for their ridiculous teaching of "second virginity."

 

[SullivanZ]

I couldn't imagine people being told they shouldn't hold hands/cuddle/kiss before marriage and those telling them that saying it is what God wants. That to me is incredibly egotistical and is actually a slap in the face of God because it is what a human believes and is using God as the support to scare people into doing what they want. If a person is religious and prays to god and feels they have a relationship with God then couldn't they just ask God if it is OK rather than someone else telling them God doesn't want them to do it?

I also can't imagine people in this day and age not having any form of physical contact with someone before marriage given that it isn't like this is the day of shotgun or arranged marriages. So someone is supposed to date someone for months/years and not touch the other person until they get married months/years later? Yeah ok. All I'd think that would lead to is either frustration, potential straying or rushed marriages leading people to be miserable if things don't work out or they get divorced.

Yet I've seen this happen in other people's lives. It's pretty strange but I respect everyone's rights. If a couple feels convicted to the point where they want to wait to hold hands or kiss until the honeymoon, I think that's ok. Everyone is different, even though some churches do take the purity message to a new level. They just don't want to see people make the same mistakes they did. Like I said I couldn't abide by this strict rule, but I can't judge others and tell them it's wrong and they must follow my example. It's more about personal leading of the Holy Spirit and seeing how God directs the specific couple. If it's sin to you, then it is sin. So it's better not to violate one's own conscience and just stay true to your own values. If both people are happy doing that, then you both win!

 

[iambren]

A good while ago I took a course in Christian Ethics; this was my topic so I had to research and make a presentation. The following guide was the best summary that I came up with:

"The amount of effection coincides with the level of PUBLIC declaration of committment", the wedding being the culminating declaration. I would expect that the affections between a man and woman 1 week before marriage would be deeper than the "holding hands" stage of first dating.

This is all tempered,of course, with the couple's ability to refrain. The Bible is not a sexual ethics book yet does praise chastity at the altar. So without hard rules we have to make wise decisions, and act with taste. For me, a dating-couple rolling around ala cuddling at a youth event is not very tasteful. The mood is potent between them but they aren't in a cocoon, they should be respectful they are in community with others.

 

[lawtonfogle]

I remember being told once that you shouldn't do anything that you wouldn't feel comfortable doing with your brother or sister...

I think cuddling is part of learning about life and other people, as well as yourself. I can see no reason to not allow it.

I wouldn't feel comfortable dating/marrying a sibling...

Just saying...


Edit:

Anyways, for me personally, the idea of marriage, what it stands for, has become far too secular. The idea you have to equals, have to mature, have to be ready to support a family, have to wait till your mid 20s, ect. is all secular baggage added on to marriage.

Thus, having sex (or anything else) before I have a big ceremony or before I go to a court house to get a legal document signed is of no consequence to me. The key is what is the relationship between God, her, and me in whatever we do. To think that the legal document or big ceremony actually means anything is to base the union off of bad ground to begin with.

 

[MacFall]

I don't think one can say "everyone should do this" or "nobody should do that" in regards to anything that isn't explicitly prohibited by God in scripture. Sure, lust is the same as adultery in God's eyes. But who is to say what will lead anyone but himself into lust? I have never really had much physical contact with women, even hugs - but I know from the little that I have had that I am not tempted to lust from physical contact that does not include sexual intent.

Christian culture (at least in the USA; not so much in other parts of the world) makes such a big freaking deal out of sex, piling rules upon rules about sex onto activities which are not sexual, it's no wonder that so many people would associate simple, casual contact with sex. But that's wrong. If you're tempted to lust by physical contact that lacks sexual intent, that's a weakness that you need to seek help from God to overcome.

Also, I agree with the people who have said that the level of commitment in the relationship is pertinent. If you're planning to marry someone, there's no reason why you should stay three feet away from them at all times in order to avoid sexual desire from forming. You should desire that person sexually. It is only an issue of temptation if you are led to act on that desire before the final commitment of marriage has been made.

 

[LOVEthroughINTELLECT]

Instead of drawing arbitrary lines and saying "Do not cross", a person should ask him/herself how committed he/she is to a relationship, think about how what he/she does in the relationship will impact other relationships (people still break up, last time I checked), and act accordingly.

 

[white dove]

After talking with a good friend of mine the other day, I got to thinking about this subject. He told me about how he was talking to a girl from a different church and about how enjoys watching movies and cuddling. The young lady's response was that her leaders "don't like it when we cuddle." :o I'm not a pastor or self-proclaimed "Apostle" like this church's leader is, but something about that didn't sound right to me. Since when can church leaders dictate whether their church members can doing things like cuddling?

I have also noticed on the internet, that there are a lot of sites dedicated to anti-dating and anti-kissing. :o Again I'm not sure how to respond to that. It's more common than you may think! We also touched on kissing in my other topic, so I'm interested in knowing what you think about intimacy before marriage. Whereabouts do you stand on this topic? Do you think cuddling is a sin? What about kissing? Hugs? How far do you think is acceptable before marriage between a man and woman? All thoughts are welcome!

Strange (and I would say none of the pastor's business) that he would say he doesn't like his parishioners cuddling. Oh wait, he was a leader? Still not his business. But, that's just my opinion. No human "leader" has any say over the happenings or lack of happenings in my home and private life like that. Then again, you'd probably end up having arguments over what is moral/immoral and what - if any - responsibility the church has in bringing such sins (real or perceived) to light. I know I don't want to have that kind of argument, especially with myself, so let me go on to your next paragraph.

I think if you think cuddling is wrong, then it is wrong for you. If you are convicted in this way, you need to pay attention to your conscience. But, make sure it is your God-given conscience you're listening to and not someone else's. I, personally, do not view cuddling, embraces or kisses as inherently sinful or as gateways to sin. I just don't. I know it is possible to kiss someone without even thinking about my significant other's body much less sex. Why? Because I've been there. Some relationships, some people can stay pure while doing such things. Others can't. And sometimes there is that line and it develops slowly over time... where once there were these harmless actions and now suddenly, a line. I've experienced that one, too. Relationships and people differ so much; there is no fall-back answer except for the one you uncover.

You have to go with your conscience and seek God in these matters, talk to your significant other about it. Important things are worthy of discussing. I also, personally, do not ascribe to the whole "treat the other person like they're your sibling" goo-lash. I don't date my brother. Never have. Never will. You don't date someone, call him your boyfriend, call him a significant other, want to eventually spend the rest of your life with (?) and have romantic feelings for someone if he is someone you do not even want to kiss, ever. I don't ever want to kiss my brother. Never have. Never will. Love you, bro. <3

 

[waves16]

I also, personally, do not ascribe to the whole "treat the other person like they're your sibling" goo-lash. I don't date my brother. Never have. Never will. You don't date someone, call him your boyfriend, call him a significant other, want to eventually spend the rest of your life with (?) and have romantic feelings for someone if he is someone you do not even want to kiss, ever. I don't ever want to kiss my brother. Never have. Never will. Love you, bro. <3

I agree with this. I don't hold hands with my brother, I don't cuddle with my brother or hug him, I don't have romantic feelings for him, and I wouldn't share personal things with him. Does that mean I shouldn't do those things with somebody I date? I don't think so.

I think that cuddling is fine, but that's just my personal opinion, every couple is different. I don't think there should strict guidelines to follow and lines drawn for everybody to conform to, it should be decided by the couple. If you can't cuddle or make out without getting consumed with sexual thoughts and urges, then you might want to avoid it or tone it down. If this isn't an issue for you, then go for it.

 

[stan1472]

After talking with a good friend of mine the other day, I got to thinking about this subject. He told me about how he was talking to a girl from a different church and about how enjoys watching movies and cuddling. The young lady's response was that her leaders "don't like it when we cuddle." :o I'm not a pastor or self-proclaimed "Apostle" like this church's leader is, but something about that didn't sound right to me. Since when can church leaders dictate whether their church members can doing things like cuddling?

I have also noticed on the internet, that there are a lot of sites dedicated to anti-dating and anti-kissing. :o Again I'm not sure how to respond to that. It's more common than you may think! We also touched on kissing in my other topic, so I'm interested in knowing what you think about intimacy before marriage. Whereabouts do you stand on this topic? Do you think cuddling is a sin? What about kissing? Hugs? How far do you think is acceptable before marriage between a man and woman? All thoughts are welcome!

I think the more you hold back before marriage, the more intimacy/memories you can make after marriage. There was only one girl I considered marrying, and I respected her greatly and I wanted to wait till we got married to step up our physical affection. I did give her hugs a lot , hold hands, and share our lives/struggles/desires with each other. She is now married to someone else and I have much respect for her to this day. She is still very special to me and I'm glad that I didn't steal anything away from her and let her go as whole/healthy person for her now husband. Yes she was/is a Christian & it was an amazing experience.

 

[SplendidTree]

I personally think kissing, holding hands, and maybe some cuddling is ok. I really don't think more than that is good prior to marriage. If you have 2 people who put God first it won't always be easy but it's a great thing to have that relationship with God together.

If any of you have ever had too much physical intimacy prior to marriage, I am sure at least some of you regret it. I know that I do. I feel if you can wait then God blesses your physical intimacy even more. I also think it is important to back off if you feel too many temptations coming on. I have heard people try to make so many excuses for letting it happen, and while it's not my place to judge, every single one of them regretted it.

 

[Sketcher]

I also, personally, do not ascribe to the whole "treat the other person like they're your sibling" goo-lash. I don't date my brother. Never have. Never will. You don't date someone, call him your boyfriend, call him a significant other, want to eventually spend the rest of your life with (?) and have romantic feelings for someone if he is someone you do not even want to kiss, ever. I don't ever want to kiss my brother. Never have. Never will. Love you, bro. <3

It also assumes people have siblings of the opposite gender. Not everybody does.

 

[lawtonfogle]

I personally think kissing, holding hands, and maybe some cuddling is ok. I really don't think more than that is good prior to marriage. If you have 2 people who put God first it won't always be easy but it's a great thing to have that relationship with God together.

If any of you have ever had too much physical intimacy prior to marriage, I am sure at least some of you regret it. I know that I do. I feel if you can wait then God blesses your physical intimacy even more. I also think it is important to back off if you feel too many temptations coming on. I have heard people try to make so many excuses for letting it happen, and while it's not my place to judge, every single one of them regretted it.

And some people regret not having enough physical intimacy before marriage, especially when they encounter major problems of being intimate with their spouse.


On a side note, why all the fighting over physical intimacy but no debate on emotional intimacy. Is it ok to go 'all the way' emotionally before marriage?

 

[Marycita]

And some people regret not having enough physical intimacy before marriage, especially when they encounter major problems of being intimate with their spouse.


On a side note, why all the fighting over physical intimacy but no debate on emotional intimacy. Is it ok to go 'all the way' emotionally before marriage?

No

 

[GQ Chris]

Cuddling may lead to heavy petting.

 

[lawtonfogle]

No

I asked the question in a rhetorical sense to open discussion of why we tend to treat emotional intimacy different from physical. I was hoping for more than a one word answer...