Physical abuse??

[MERCY@GRACE]

If a spouse is has only suffered abuse 1 or 2x a year, is it "biblical" to tell her to leave? It has been reported that at least 1 out of 4 women are hit at least once in their marriage. I have a friend that has been married 12yrs and her dh only hit her once (I believe the 8th yr of their marriage) Do we as Christians not believe that ppl can change,or that marriages can be worked out when it comes to physical violence! Also is there a double standard for men that are abused. I don;'t think I've ever heard anyone tell a man to leave if his wife hit him

 

[ptgd1st]

All i can say is that the only biblical reason for divorce is marital unfaithfulness. That said, i belive physical abuse is grounds for at least a seperation. And personally i believe the Lord would not expect a person to stay in that type of relationship especially if it became life threatening.

 

[ptgd1st]

OOPS, to the second question i definately believe there is a double standard for men that have been abused. It has to be because of the fact that generally men are seen as the stronger of the two sexes. As a result a court would be less likely to believe him. Especially if it came down to her word against his.

 

[searle29678]

I'm kind of biased considering I'm in this type of relationship. I think people can change though. If there is danger, get out but don't give up on the marriage completely.

 

[Babymine]

"Only hit her once"

something about making that sound like it's ok is weird.

If it were "only hit him once"

as if it were ok, that would be weird too.


Why is anyone hitting in a marital relationship- what are they? 5?

Hitting signals much deeper problems, those need to be worked on first, before anything positive can happen. A woman or man can stay, but if the problems are worked through, what's the use?

 

[~Nikki~]

I believe God can change a relationship like this. We should concentrate on being the person that God wants us to be, and making sure that we're not sinning in the way that we're behaving towards our spouse, and being the husband/wife that the Bible says we should be. We can't change anyone, but God can. All we can do (IMO) is change ourselves, keep praying for the other person, and leave them to God.

Our God can work miracles!

 

[whitestar]

No one has to live in abuse. Its a horrible crime to tell any woman or man to stay in an abusive relationship. The abuser usually starts in on the children too and what kind of life is that to have your children grow up in? The spouse being abused should leave for her or his safty and the children. More then likely the abuser is a drinking, drug user or having an affair...all three are a fourm of adultery too. She doesn't have to divorce him...but she does have a right to protect her self and her children. Women are killed all the time due to abuse...and I find it outrageous that churches actually tell these women they have to stay and endure this.

Studies also show the chances of these men (or women) ever changing are extremely low. They rarely do. It literally takes an act of God for them to change. If you study the bible you see adulterly is considered anything put above God. If rage and anger is put over God...that is adultery and the woman has a right to divorce him.

Its something she needs to pray about and let God lead her on...but she has GOT to get out of that situation. You can't lead someone to God who is smashing your face in.

I wouldn't consider being hit once, ongoing physcial abuse. There are many different types of abuse...including emotional and mental abuse. God wants us to live in peace...not endure a lifetime of abuse. If a woman or man is being abused, they cannot serve God in anyway either...they are too busy just trying to survive. Its a horrible horrible way to live. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Psalm 106:39
They defiled themselves by their evil deeds, and their love of idols was adultery in the LORD's sight.

Isaiah 57:8
Behind closed doors, you have set up your idols and worship them instead of me. This is adultery, for you are loving these idols instead of loving me. You have climbed right into bed with these detestable gods.

Ezekiel 23:37
They have committed both adultery and murder--adultery by worshiping idols and murder by burning their children as sacrifices on their altars.

What is an idol? Does it have to be some false god the abuser is worshiping? Isn't money an idol? Material things? Anything we put above God is an idol...that includes those that woship their own anger and use it to control and hurt others. Many children that are abused and killed by a parent...that parent is usually abusing the other parent also.

1 Corinthians 7:15
(But if the husband or wife who isn't a Christian insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the Christian husband or wife is not required to stay with them, for God wants his children to live in peace.)

God wants us to live in peace.

In many cases of abuse if the spouse leaves to keep themselves and their children safe...even if they do not divorce the other...eventually the other spouse will find someone esle to control and get the dirvoce themselves anyway.

God bless

 

[Saint2be27]

All i can say is that the only biblical reason for divorce is marital unfaithfulness. That said, i belive physical abuse is grounds for at least a seperation. And personally i believe the Lord would not expect a person to stay in that type of relationship especially if it became life threatening.

Ditto

 

[Svt4Him]

If some spouse is being abused, get out. It doesn't get better unless the abuser gets help or is seeking help. Don't ever think it's your job to stay and fix it, nor make excuses for it.

 

[Jenna]

If a spouse is has only suffered abuse 1 or 2x a year, is it "biblical" to tell her to leave? It has been reported that at least 1 out of 4 women are hit at least once in their marriage. I have a friend that has been married 12yrs and her dh only hit her once (I believe the 8th yr of their marriage) Do we as Christians not believe that ppl can change,or that marriages can be worked out when it comes to physical violence! Also is there a double standard for men that are abused. I don;'t think I've ever heard anyone tell a man to leave if his wife hit him

I don't think that it is biblical to tell someone to leave their spouse, period. To be quite honest, I think that that issue is best left to the couple to deal with before God. We should nurture and support each other, but I don't think that that should entail giving out advice and pressuring people to do something that they may not feel convicted by God to do.

My personal belief is that occassional roughness is like any other sin. Some people gossip, some curse, some neglect their families in some way, and others are prone to uncontrolled anger. All of these actions are bad, and all of them can be forgiven by God. I firmly believe that the Lord is capable of anything, and that includes changing the hearts of men and women who do not love their spouse like they should, whether it is occassionally or habitually.

If a woman feels that she is in serious danger within her marriage, then she is obviously free to do what she feels is neccessary. It's not our place to decide what she will live through and what she will not. This goes for men also. That is something that the person will have to go before God with.

As far as men go, I honestly don't know of many men who acknowledge violence toward them from their spouse. It isn't that it is not happening, but that I don't know any guys who want people to know that their wife can hurt them at will. From what I understand, it goes a ways to tearing down their masculinity. I know that it happens, and it is just as sad and disgusting as it is for a man to harm his wife. Still, as for telling a man to leave, I wouldn't do it. It isn't my place to.

 

[searle29678]

It's hard to defend your case for staying when it comes off to people sounding like making excuses. My husbands actions towards me in the past are despicable indeed and cannot be excused in any way. He was wrong, period. He understands that and so do I. Being abused in any way, physically or otherwise is extremely damaging to both parties. In my husband's case, he can't understand why he can't control himself in the heat of the moment so it is extremely disheartening to him to know that he hurts me. Yes it is intentional but it's not out of hatred it is out of uncontrolled anger. Wrong. Yes. Fixable with patience and love. Definately.

He has threatened me, but has not actually placed his hands on me in quite a while which is definately a sign of learning control on his part. This is a gradual process. I haven't always been controlled and careful with my words and actions either. By me learning to control how I react it definately has an affect on how he responds. Trust me, if he pulled a gun on me, or tried to stab me, or choke me or make any physical gestures at causing fatal injury, I would most definately be out the front door. He has not tried to do that and since I have put my faith in God instead of my own solutions, the violence has decreased to the point of non-existance.

 

[Leanna]

It can definitely become a problem. Usually if it works once then it is resorted to other times. Issues like this require counseling. My husband used to hit me but then I left. He knows now it isn't worth the chance because I would leave. So he doesn't hit me and it was worth it.

 

[Got Eternal Life?]

What I just don't get is the fact that when my husband and I are "good" we are really really good! We laugh and have a jolly good time! But, then, when we're "bad"... oof!... look out! Usually I can recognize the warning signs but, then other times he just loses it over petty little things. I once ran across a list of signs to look for in an abusive person but, don't remember where. They seemed to fit my husband to a "T". Does anyone know this list? I would like to have it.

 

[searle29678]

Don't feel bad, he almost divorced me once because I threw away a cup of ranch dressing. It was ridiculous. I was almost laughing but it was so sad to see someone get so upset over something so small.

 

[MERCY@GRACE]

"Only hit her once"

something about making that sound like it's ok is weird.

If it were "only hit him once"

as if it were ok, that would be weird too.


Why is anyone hitting in a marital relationship- what are they? 5?

Hitting signals much deeper problems, those need to be worked on first, before anything positive can happen. A woman or man can stay, but if the problems are worked through, what's the use?

Definetley wasn't trying to trivialize when I said "once". When you take into consideration it may have happened when the couple was young and didn't know how to solve conflicts. I have two bro's (no sis) that got into their share of fist fights in school, all the way up till the end. Neither are married, but if they had gotten married right out of high school w/out maturing, physical violence may have been a possiblity. Also a dh could of hit out of reflex, say if his wife threw something or pushed him away, it's a natural reaction to want to defend yourself or hit back. Those are random scenarios but I'm sure they've happened, and only happend once. To me that's not the same as being "beaten" on a reg basis.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Hitting your spouse is absolutely wrong.
Absolutely wrong. I equate hitting your spouse as ripping up the covenant of marriage, a complete violation. The abuser immediately declares, "I have just ended my marriage with you." I'd say that only on the good graces of the abused spouse should only one more chance be given.
There is no excuse for physical abuse and there is no reason to endure it.
Domestic abuse is a crying shame.

Yes. I made this entry as neutrally gendered as possible.

 

[Yitzchak]

This is such a painful and difficult issue. I think that not all abuse is equal in severity. I also think that it is up to the vicitm to decide how much is too much before they take action.

I think also that there are many options when it comes to taking action. A divorce should be a last resort and not the only option considered. Some people get counseling or seperate.

It is hard to blame someone for not wanting to get beat up physically. That seems like a basic right everyone should have. Where a person draws the line is up to them I think.

 

[Babymine]

Definetley wasn't trying to trivialize when I said "once". When you take into consideration it may have happened when the couple was young and didn't know how to solve conflicts. I have two bro's (no sis) that got into their share of fist fights in school, all the way up till the end. Neither are married, but if they had gotten married right out of high school w/out maturing, physical violence may have been a possiblity. Also a dh could of hit out of reflex, say if his wife threw something or pushed him away, it's a natural reaction to want to defend yourself or hit back. Those are random scenarios but I'm sure they've happened, and only happend once. To me that's not the same as being "beaten" on a reg basis.

So if you were talking about "hitting out of reflex", to me there isnt much of a question. I dont know ofany women or men that have left their spouses because of reflexes. (maybe you guys do?)
Hitting because of lack of maturity- definitely plausible, yet at the same time if someone got smacked once and it is because of a lack of maturity, chances are, both parties are immature.
If one party claims to be mature, they must have known of the other's lack of maturity and must have made a decision to put up with whatever it brought. And since we are talking about a one time deal, and not someone faithfully knocking you out. I dont think they would listen to anyone's advice to leave.

I still stand by my original statement- Any type of hitting signals deeper issues. Those issues need to be dealt with before anything positive can happen in the relationship. Even acknowledging there is a problem is a step in the right direction.

 

[fluffy_rainbow]

That's a tricky one. I know my aunt and uncle were traveling by car once and it began to storm. My aunt got so hysterical my uncle had to slap her to calm her down. He is the most gentle and kind man in the world so I can't picture him being an "abuser". Men and women who are abusive have a pattern and it usually isn't just once in an entire marriage. Now, when I was dating my ex-husband (we dated five years prior to getting married) he hit me once when I was sixteen and once when I was seventeen. When we got married he hit me once the first year and then after that it became an almost daily basis. It usually gets worse, but one incident in a ten or fifteen year marriage is not necessarily a reason to leave. Sometimes people lose it and some people push their spouses buttons and send them over the edge. It doesn't excuse the person who lashed out in anger, but like Jenna said, it's a sin like letting a swear word fly. There's a definite difference between abuse and a one-time incident. It's really up to the woman. In my opinion, if a woman is married to a man who beats her and/or their children she should leave. If not for her sake at least for the childrens'. Children from abusive homes are more likely to be abusive as adults.

 

[heartnsoul]

Also, it depends on the one-time incident of physical abuse. If the one time was enough for the woman to be *scared*, then the fear factor alone may be enough for the woman to fear her husband all the time. So it depends on the situation. Sometimes all it takes is *one* time for the woman to live in fear of her husband. Physical abuse is usually a deeper sign of anger-control problems. Physical abuse usually goes hand in hand with emotional/verbal abuse. Either way, if the root of the problem (anger management) is not dealt with, the marriage will be destructive and not healthy for anyone in the marriage/family.