'Personality v Looks'.......in your man!

[SummersEvening]

I am in a bit of a turmoil over something and would greatly value your helpful advice!

I have been in a Long distance online friendship for a long time, but recently things seemed to have developed into a 'bit more' than just an ordinary pen-freindship! Although we still haven't met up yet, I have always had a good idea about how my 'special' friend looks, as I have seen his photo several times, which he says was taken about 5 years ago.

I have really grown to greatly enjoy my special friend's company through regular chatting on the phone and through the emails that we exchange. He has such a wonderful heart, he deeply loves the Lord, and I feel we have both built up a really strong trust between us.......I couldn't have wished to meet a nicer person than him!! - He is the best!!............BUT just recently he sent me a current photo of himself, and it completely took me by surprise, as he seems to have aquirred quite a weight 'gain' (not obese or anything, but definitely quite stocky, whereas the only other photo of him that I have seen in the past, and which was taken a few years back, he looked nice and slim in!)

Now had I been prepared for this change in his appearance (the weight gain), I wouldn't have been so upset about it, but I really like this man very much, and he has the most wonderful personality and sense of humour.

I'm just looking for advice on my dilema.........

Basically, do any of you think that 'Personality' can be more (or even much more) - important than looks because he does have a 'brilliant' personality, and also.........are any of you now in 'extremely satisfying' relationships or marriages where you have found that his personality, was by far, more important to you than his looks???

I know about the verse which says "Man looks on the outside and Jesus looks upon the heart".......and that's how we should be too, but is it possible to look beyond the 'looks' in a potential 'signifcant other?'

I would greatly welcome everybodys advice!

Thankyou!

 

[KristianJ]

Even though it says "man" in the thread title, I hope you don't mind me contributing. And welcome to CF too!

I have met many girls before who I have found to have very refreshing personalities as well as being blessed with what society would term "good looks". The Bible verse is 1 Samuel 16:7 that you've referred to, and I believe it to be very possible to have an attitude of loving and embracing a potential significant other's personality and not even being swayed by their appearance. Even if my girlfriend suddenly changed her appearance to something that would be considered "abnormal" by the worldly society, I would still love her as much as I did beforehand, and that is because it's her heart for Christ that attracts me most to her.

 

[the_man]

Basically, do any of you think that 'Personality' can be more (or even much more) - important than looks because he does have a 'brilliant' personality, and also.........are any of you now in 'extremely satisfying' relationships or marriages where you have found that his personality, was by far, more important to you than his looks???

I know about the verse which says "Man looks on the outside and Jesus looks upon the heart".......and that's how we should be too, but is it possible to look beyond the 'looks' in a potential 'signifcant other?'

I would greatly welcome everybodys advice!

Thankyou!

Another man here and I'm single...sorry.

Certainly, you should be attracted to your mate (or someone you are considering to be a mate) physically. That is primarily the question, are you attracted to this person (among other things, physically). A person with a great personality, does not necesarily mean they are a person for you.

 

[EmSchmem]

So he's not quite the hottie that you thought he was? Have you prayed for attraction to him? I know a friend that did that with the woman who is now his wife. Loved her personality and heart but wasn't over attracted to her physically. HE prayed for God to give him physical attraction to her.

 

[JillLars]

Physical attraction is importatn, but it is also important to keep in mind that appearances change. My fiance and I have both gained weight since starting college, but we still love each other, and we are still attracted to each other.

It sounds like the personal connection is there, I suggest waiting until you meet him to judge whether or not there is a physical connection...you might be surprised.

 

[Living4Him03]

Relax. You have yet to meet this guy in person and you don't know what that will be like. In person and online are two different things usually. You don't know if you will be attracted to him and you can't assume he will be smitten with you either. Get to know this guy further and if you decide to meet, then you can decide whether the two of you want a relationship. Don't count your chickens before the hen has even conceived! I have an example for you. Recently I met someone from CF. I had seen a picture of him before but didn't really know that much about what he looked like based on that one picture. I honestly wasn't just smitten over that one pic, but when I talked with him on the phone I just got butterflies...he is so easy to talk to ! Anyway, so we met, and when I first saw him I realized he is actually quite a hottie You just never know with things like that. Take it slow and put it in God's hands. Just because you are not attracted to his picture doesn't mean it's all over.

 

[BahBahBritty86]

My advice would be to "go with your heart"! I know it sounds cheesy and "cliche," but it works! In all honesty, I have dated "hott guys" and non-hott (not ugly...just not overly "hott") and in terms of personality I prefer the "non-hott" because they tend to be more loving and down-to-earth! Alot of times if a guy has a killer personality you don't even seem to notice that they're not drop-dead-gorgeous! And even if he isn't "hott" by society's standards...how does he look to YOU? Are YOU physically attracted to him? And--most importantly--how do he make YOU feel inside? Well...hope I could help! Good luck with all of this!
~Britt~

 

[tinkerbell]

Physical attraction is importatn, but it is also important to keep in mind that appearances change. My fiance and I have both gained weight since starting college, but we still love each other, and we are still attracted to each other.

It's true, apperances change. I love my boyfriend to death! He has the most amazing personality! Of course I am attracted to his looks as well, but his personality is what really makes him a "sexy man of God."

 

[Iggster]

It's hard for me to stay with someone I'm not attracted to. The appearance does have a bearing on me.

I think what we look for in a relationship is the overall package. Everything must go hand in hand (God, personality, appearance, family, so on.....)

It seems to be a major issue with you, as it is with some of us. There's no doubt in my mind you would accept him for who he is, if the appearance wasn't such a major factor.

Be forward. Be honest. Be direct. He obviously has by sending you a recent pic of him. He's prolly wondering if you truly do care for him, regardless of what he looks like. You should extend the same in kind for him.

 

[MrsGnomeCrusher]

I think this is one big problem with LDR or internet relationships where people haven't met up yet. I think a lot of people get this idea of what this person is, makes up the person they want in their head, slaps it to their personality and there you go.

(I'm not stating that this is the case in this circumstance--just a general comment about these sort of relationships. If I met the right guys, I'd do the ldr/internet dating).

I agree that you have to be attracted to the person you're with or it won't work. Nice personality and no attraction is pretty much the same as very attractive with no personality.

We must remember that beauty fades and soon everything will be hanging south, our hair white and our face full of wrinkles. I think if you still find him a bit attractive, it may that you're just a bit in shock and need to realize that sometimes we all change and it isn't for the better. But like The Iggster stated, be honest with him, but be sensitive to his feelings, also.

 

[charligirl]

I wouldn't have dated someone I wasn't attracted to... but attraction is NOT just about tthe physical. I have met HOT guys who I was not attracted to because they were idiots and I have met not conventionally good looking men who over time I became VERY attracted to I dated a guy for 2 years who I started off thinking was pretty yuck and I would NEVER kiss, lol I remember some months in just gazing at him because I thought he was so lovely!!

I think my husband is gorgeous and sexy - but I didn't particularly fancy him physically when I first met him, it grew.

So just relax, meet him in person and try not to have any expectations

 

[Glorianna]

I agree with charligirl- a man's physical appearance can grow on you. This has happened with me before. When I really care about a man and love his personality, I wil eventually be attracted to him no matter what he looks like. Just give it time and pray about it. God can change your opinion on his appearance.

 

[deornie]

Geez I have been there!
I am in a relationship with the most amazing guy ever! And he has a golden heart and also so very cute!! we met online in a chat and been keeping in touch for quite a time and I have seen him on webcam and pix but one day he send me some pictures and i just freaked out, geez there were not quite flattering pix... now I am so ashamed of that...because he came to visit and he is soooo amazing!!! I was so stupid just to get disheartened because of some silly pictures!! So here is my advice: go for him! Like I did, and i never regretted it and we are so happy together now!!! And what's more every day he gets more handsome in my eyes because his personality shines like a bright light, his very eyes are so full of love and care and his golden heart makes him more and more attractive every day! I am happy!

 

[bliz]

Do I understand correctly that you have never met this guy?

There is so much that one learns about someone else through being with them, beyond if you find them attractive of not. To be fretting over his weight is way too premature if you haven't met at all!

I've been married for 28 years. Apperances change! Weights goes on and comes off. Hair turns gray and vanishes. Cellulite appears, stretch marks grow, surgical scars join the party, wrinkles arrive, gravity takes it toll. A great personality, sense of humor, intellect - those things, if nurtured, only get better with age.

And has it occoured to you that your apperance will change too?

At any rate, it really is all academic until the two of you can spend some time together.

 

[invisiblebabe]

While appearances inevitably change, the initial physical attraction most definitely has to be there. I do believe if it's strong enough (in person) and you guys truly are compatible spiritually, intellectually, emotionally, and socially, whatever does later change, it will continue to radiate from inside out for a lifetime. Sounds weird to say, but everyone projects a certain "air" about him..... and that is what can make or break physical attraction. If this guy has that indescribable "something," and you can imagine yourself being physically close to him, I think it could still work.

As far as the weight issue, that's a tricky one for me. I am basically a stick, haha.... and I would feel like a guy who is too heavy would break me or overpower me.

Blue Impulse, I totally know what you mean about feeling you look better in pics than in person. Glad I'm not the only one.

 

[MusicMelOU]

Well, personality is ultimately what is important and, along with the relationship being centered on God, is the lifeblood of the relationship. No matter how attractive a person is, it won't last unless your personalities "click". BUT, looks are important for this reason in romantic relationships: if looks hinder your attraction to this person, then what you have left is friendship.

 

[Galadriel]

Hey all,
Well, I have met my SO online, and have met him in person. I have been struggling due to physical attraction, and its hard, but like some of you say, God can change how you feel about that, and well maybe I just need to give it time. The last time he was here, I noticed the whole looks thing did fade somewhat (not totally) but it got easier. I don't think it is wrong to WANT to feel physically attracted, but its hard because its there, and well, I think you just have to get closer to the person (in person) because those things can sometimes change around. I really hope this will happen for me.

 

[InTheFlame]

I find this topic pretty hard to understand, because I've tended to feel a 'physical attraction' (ie, my body saying, 'OOH! HIM! in bed, now!) to people based on their personality and the 'vibe' they give off. Physical appearance has always been pretty secondary. I can look at a gorgeous guy and think 'PHWOAR!!' but not have the slightest tingle from my hormones. Likewise I can look at another woman and think 'wow she's gorgeous' and that's it.

 

[tinkerbell]

I find this topic pretty hard to understand, because I've tended to feel a 'physical attraction' (ie, my body saying, 'OOH! HIM! in bed, now!) to people based on their personality and the 'vibe' they give off. Physical appearance has always been pretty secondary.

I can relate. That's how I am too! I'm kind of glad though, because...I dunno, just because.

 

[plum]

It's a challenge when I let my flesh eyes get in the way of my spiritual eyes.

I am dating the kindest, most gentle and patient man I know. He is truly a (forgive me for this cliche) diamond in the rough. He's not even the type I'd go for normally. But do I love him? oh yes. Do I want him? Oh yes (even though my drive is down considerably since I saw him last.. darn LDRs). I could stare into those baby blues for the rest of my life. Is weight an issue? For both of us personally. But it doesn't affect how I love him. And he truly loves how I look. How is that, I still wonder... but it is all of the holy love of God. And I want to love the true him. the true self that God has given him. And I do
I know what it's like to take a look at that first picture and go "ohh. so that's what the voice looks like." But honestly, how can se see someone's soul in a picture? How can we touch them emotionally? We cannot. So go for the gold, girlie. Don't let a bit of nothing get in the way of what sounds like an amazing fella. You won't be sorry if God blesses it and wills it on