Parents in control?

[GodDreamer]

Hey all, i was wondering what your view point on how much say your parents have in your life.....i'm almost 20, and my mom and sister and i were having a conversation the other day....they both believe that until the day you get married, my mom and dad have the absolute say in my life...even if i'm not living at home....even if i'm 30 years old and single....for example, i have been forbidden to ever drink any alcohol, it doesn't matter if i'm of age, i've also been forbidden to ever get a tattoo, even if my husband says it's ok....or if they don't want me to take a trip while i'm living on my own, they have that authority to tell me i can't go....they claim it's biblical..... Now i understand that we are to honor our mother and our father....i believe that means to show them respect...however, i do not believe that means you have to obey them until you are married....
i was talking to another Christian friend of mine the other day and she was saying that in the Bible, that was expected of women....however it was cultural...women were seen as property.....
i want to be obedient to God's word.....but i also want to live my own walk with God and be an adult....
i was just wondering what your thoughts are....er...well...scripturally

 

[trishypooxo]

hmm that's a tough one, I don't have any scriptures to help, but I'll give you my opinion. I believe that you should always honor your parents, and not go against their wishes to an extent. I'm very open with my parents and will explain a situation and ask for their opinion. That opens up the conversation and lets them give their reasons for not letting you do something. If we are on a complete opposite page (which we rarely are) I will pray about it and see if God has a say. I don't believe they should have complete control though, just a say. haha. That probably didn't help at all, but I tried. =D

 

[Jarvo]

Hi,

I don't believe that our parents have the absolute say in our life until we are married for a few reasons.

One, that would seem to suggest an inferiority of singleness. This would be contradictory to what Paul says in his letters to the Corinthians (ch 7) where he states singleness is just as reverent, if not more so, than being married.

Two, it is clear that the bible says we are each responsible for our own actions;

"Every one of us shall give account of himself to God" (Romans 14:12).

If our parents have the absolute say in our lives, how can this hold true? Also - there is only one person who has absolute say in our lives - that is the person of Jesus Christ.

Now, i'm aware the bible says that we should honour our parents, and I agree with this. However, I don't believe the word honour is the same as the word obey. Ultimately, in biblical times generally what happened was the children only left home when they found a husband/wife - and therefore went and started a new life together, not under the parents control. However, in todays society, this doesn't usually happen, and I would suggest the equivilant is when we leave home we take control of our own lives - not when we get married.

Jarvo

 

[PixieSunbelle]

i believe that parents shouldnt have much say even when we are at home when we are a certain age. there are just certain rules that you dont need when you are older....

 

[bliz]

Bill Gothard and co. have espoused the notion that parents are in control over children until until they are married. Which does leave us with the possibility of a 60 yerar old unmarried person seeking final rulings from 90 year old parents...

When one is an adult, over 21 and no longer financially dependent upon one's parents, one can and indeed must make their own life decisions. However, when children go back home, they must be respectful of parent's customs and requests.

 

[ryanb6]

Hey all, i was wondering what your view point on how much say your parents have in your life.....i'm almost 20, and my mom and sister and i were having a conversation the other day....they both believe that until the day you get married, my mom and dad have the absolute say in my life...even if i'm not living at home....even if i'm 30 years old and single....for example, i have been forbidden to ever drink any alcohol, it doesn't matter if i'm of age, i've also been forbidden to ever get a tattoo, even if my husband says it's ok....or if they don't want me to take a trip while i'm living on my own, they have that authority to tell me i can't go....they claim it's biblical..... Now i understand that we are to honor our mother and our father....i believe that means to show them respect...however, i do not believe that means you have to obey them until you are married....
i was talking to another Christian friend of mine the other day and she was saying that in the Bible, that was expected of women....however it was cultural...women were seen as property.....
i want to be obedient to God's word.....but i also want to live my own walk with God and be an adult....
i was just wondering what your thoughts are....er...well...scripturally

honor your parents unless they directly contradict God's will in what they are telling you to do.

 

[Trashionista]

Hey all, i was wondering what your view point on how much say your parents have in your life.....i'm almost 20, and my mom and sister and i were having a conversation the other day....they both believe that until the day you get married, my mom and dad have the absolute say in my life...even if i'm not living at home....even if i'm 30 years old and single....for example, i have been forbidden to ever drink any alcohol, it doesn't matter if i'm of age, i've also been forbidden to ever get a tattoo, even if my husband says it's ok....or if they don't want me to take a trip while i'm living on my own, they have that authority to tell me i can't go....they claim it's biblical..... Now i understand that we are to honor our mother and our father....i believe that means to show them respect...however, i do not believe that means you have to obey them until you are married....
i was talking to another Christian friend of mine the other day and she was saying that in the Bible, that was expected of women....however it was cultural...women were seen as property.....
i want to be obedient to God's word.....but i also want to live my own walk with God and be an adult....
i was just wondering what your thoughts are....er...well...scripturally

I hate to be blunt, but its crazy. I can see you not being allowed to show up falling down drunk while you're still living at home. And even if you are living alone, I don't think anyone in their right mind reccomends getting smashed. But if its legal, its your decision to have a glass of wine at dinner or not. Like I said, I don't think there's anything biblical about being controlling. You can guide people into being responsible, but you can't complete ban them from drinking responsibly or going on vacation. Unless it was the parents resources that were going toward keg rentals and the vacation in question or something. But I think your parents are being excessive. There's certainly nothing wrong with alcohol or going on vacation. Obviously, there are exceptions, but at a certain point the cord has to be cut.

As for the tattoo comment, if you feel a need to ask a husband for permission to get a tattoo... that screams both unhealthy relationship and the fact that one is not ready to get that tattoo.

 

[AFallingStar]

If I was not living at home, I would not feel obligated to abide by my parents' rules. Actually, I don't think my parents really have set "rules" for me anymore. I think there is a proverb that states "Train a child up in the way he should go and when he is older he will not depart from that way" or something like that...meaning that you shouldn't dismiss the values and lessons they've taught you, but at some point it's good to become your own person too.

 

[sunstruckdream]

If you can legally vote, drink, and be drafted, then your parents need to learn to lay off. I believe we're always called to show respect to our parents, no matter our age, but they don't own you. What gives some parents the idea that a child is a piece of their property? While you're growing up, it's their job to raise you as they see fit - the Bible makes that clear. But singleness doesn't mean you're yoked to them forever. That also implies that once you're married...your husband owns you?! No...not in my opinion. You're a living, breathing being with a brain, and you're a unique creation of God. Honor your parents. Respect them. Love them. But don't let them keep you on that kind of a leash. That's not their right, and I can't think of a single Bible verse that says it is.

 

[Boss_BlueAngels]

Ouch, sounds like someone needs a puppet!

Sadly your situation sounds an aweful lot like my girlfriends. She deals with this sort of stuff, but her mom doesn't have the integrity to face up to the facts like yours seems to have done.

And don't forget that God wants our parents to treat us with respect also! It isn't only on the childs shoulders to obey every order our parents give us. As others have said, if they contradict any other scripture, obey the higher authority! haha

Rules like you mentioned are simply rediculous and are made ONLY to control you, regardless of the excuses they use. If they think they're protecting you from something, they couldn't be farther from the truth.

There is a saying my flight instructor always told me when I was working on my instrument rating, and that is, "Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment." In order to learn, you have to go out and be willing to make a few mistakes first. Usually in life it is easier (and safer!) to make those mistakes sooner than later! I believe by not allowing you to be an adult they're not allowing you to be who you really need to be!


Case in point: My girlfriend hates her parents with a passion yet still treats them with respect and allows them to control her. She is saving money to get as far away as possible and hopes to never see them again. Which I think is the best thing for her!

I, on the other hand, was allowed to FLY MYSELF accross the STATE without another person in the aircraft when I was 17 years old. My parents gave me ultimate freedom and I'm doing just fine. In fact, now I'm flying airplanes upside down almost every day, and have absolutly no desire to disert my parents when I move out. They raised me with, pay attention,
R E S P E C T
Unfortunately a situation like the one you described with your example in the original post is not an example of respect towards you.

 

[K9_Trainer]

1) You are NOT property. You are an adult woman, free to make your own decisions when it comes to your life.

2) If you are still living with your parents, you still have to follow their rules....After all, it is THEIR house and they are very graciously allowing you to continue living there while you finish school/get a good job/find a husband/etc.

Once you're on your own, you are free to do as you please.....Drink, get a tattoo, get piercings, whatever. It's your life, your body, do what you want, your an adult and responsible for yourself.

I am lucky enough to have parents who are not only paying for my education and live at home, but they also respect the decisions I make as an adult. The only thing they ask is that I tell them where I'm going and who I'll be with and to call them when I get there and before I leave. Very reasonable.

 

[bliz]

I hate to be blunt, but its crazy. I can see you not being allowed to show up falling down drunk while you're still living at home. And even if you are living alone, I don't think anyone in their right mind reccomends getting smashed. But if its legal, its your decision to have a glass of wine at dinner or not. Like I said, I don't think there's anything biblical about being controlling. You can guide people into being responsible, but you can't complete ban them from drinking responsibly or going on vacation. Unless it was the parents resources that were going toward keg rentals and the vacation in question or something. But I think your parents are being excessive. There's certainly nothing wrong with alcohol or going on vacation. Obviously, there are exceptions, but at a certain point the cord has to be cut.

If a child is living in my home, they are being financed by me. Should I make a rule that no one in my household is to drink alcohol, that's the rule if they are 18 or 21 or 30. If they do not care for that rule, they are free to live elsewhere. If you are living in my home, it is my resources going toward the keg rental.

Those aren't my rules for my adult children, but any parents have the right to make whatever rules they will for those in their household. Don't like it? Make your own household with your own money.

 

[PixieSunbelle]

I believe that if that kid is 18 or over should they have their own job and money- they can buy whatever they want with it: be alcohol or tatto.
i never directly admitted to my parents that i do certain things and stay at my boyfriend's: but they figured it out. They haven't tried fighting with me yet and i think since my sister used to and they havent kicked her out for it; i can't imagine that i would be.
i'm toying with the idea of staying there on the weekends and getting at job at my bf's work because i've been laid off for 2 months. And finding at job close enough to me hasnt been very successful.

 

[ryanb6]

the bible says honor your father and mother. when you become one in marriage then that is broken but you are to still respect and be reverent to your parents

 

[MilitantSheep]

I'm not going to answer this scripturally. To me, it seems that your parents are showing you a complete lack of faith in your own mind. To say that they should have complete say until you're married implies that they don't think you can decide anything for yourself, I assume that they think when you do get married your husband will then have complete say. But banning you from ever drinking, even if you move out? That is just not on. I'm 20 and my parents haven't had complete say in my life for a LONG time, not since I was about 16 and I started college. I still live at home too (when I'm not in university). However much they may want to, that fact is I'm over 18 (age of adulthood, not sure what it is in America) so they can't tell me what to do anymore and they wouldn't even try. I DO go to them for advice and I respect their opinions, they do want what's best for me after all. I can't suggest any way you could make them understand that you are capable of making your own decisions (I used the line "How can you expect me to learn from my own mistakes if you won't let me make them?"), it seems that there's a brick wall up in that respect. Honouring your father and mother only goes so far, not to the point where your life is no longer your own. Will they be choosing your career for you? Or your husband?

 

[GodDreamer]

thanks guys, i really appreciate your input. I do want to clarify one thing though, my comment on asking my husband if he'd be ok with me getting a tattoo...what i meant by that is this, just like now my body is not my own, but it's God's too, i would ask Him if He is ok with me getting a tattoo.....when i'm married, my body will also be my husbands, and i don't want to get something done that he'd find really unattractive...plus i would expect him to do the same with me if he were to get one.....i didn't really mean it to sound like i was "asking permission"
anyways, does anyone have any advice on how to handle this?

 

[GodDreamer]

If a child is living in my home, they are being financed by me. Should I make a rule that no one in my household is to drink alcohol, that's the rule if they are 18 or 21 or 30. If they do not care for that rule, they are free to live elsewhere. If you are living in my home, it is my resources going toward the keg rental.

Those aren't my rules for my adult children, but any parents have the right to make whatever rules they will for those in their household. Don't like it? Make your own household with your own money.

i agree that as long as i'm living in my parents house that i need to follow their rules...lol, obviously...however it extends further than that...it extends to when i'm living on my own and making my own money that they believe that they have the complete say and right to make the rules and have complete say until i'm married.

 

[Trashionista]

If a child is living in my home, they are being financed by me. Should I make a rule that no one in my household is to drink alcohol, that's the rule if they are 18 or 21 or 30. If they do not care for that rule, they are free to live elsewhere. If you are living in my home, it is my resources going toward the keg rental.

Those aren't my rules for my adult children, but any parents have the right to make whatever rules they will for those in their household. Don't like it? Make your own household with your own money.

You know what happens though, when you keep people from things like alcohol for so long?

There's only that much more desire to go after it.

And obviously, as I said, the parents shouldn't have to provide keg rentals. But what is so unbelievably wrong with someone of age, going to a restaurant, and ordering a glass of wine?

I don't think the OP is planning on getting smashed with tuition money. But a glass of wine, or going on vacation after saving up? I'm sorry. Being controlling isn't a right granted to parents automatically just because they give birth to you.

I think its incredibly disrespectful to keep children under an extreme thumb such as the situation in the OP. If you've raised your kids properly, you can trust them to make good decisions in a bar or when consulting a travel agent.

 

[Trashionista]

the bible says honor your father and mother. when you become one in marriage then that is broken but you are to still respect and be reverent to your parents

Yeah, providing one's parents are actually also extending that respect.

Being controlling isn't respectful.

 

[ryanb6]

There's only that much more desire to go after it.

my parents took the desire to drink alcohol away from me at a young age and to this day i've never touched it or any drug for that matter and because of them i have zero desire to.