Parents in control?

[ryanb6]

yep

 

[Trashionista]

my parents took the desire to drink alcohol away from me at a young age and to this day i've never touched it or any drug for that matter and because of them i have zero desire to.

Well, my mother enjoys wine. I had my first glass of champagne at 13.

Yet, here I am, nearly 3 years of being legal. Never been drunk, and I don't drink cheap alcohol. No. I enjoy it within reasonable amounts. I think kegs are trashy, and don't drink more than one glass if I'm going out.

See Amsterdam and pot. You can just make it entirely personal stories. In fact, after marijuana was legalized in Amsterdam, the usage by the city's inhabitants actually went down.

There's also a McGill U study that backs up the banning theory. The US exchange students - who are used to overly extreme 21+ drinking ages, arrive in Montreal, and end up smashing back cheap domestic beer. The Montrealites - who grew up in Montreal, with the 18+ drinking age [which depending on who you ask, is either very enforced or merely a suggestion] were less likely to binge drink.

 

[ryanb6]

Well, my mother enjoys wine. I had my first glass of champagne at 13.

Yet, here I am, nearly 3 years of being legal. Never been drunk, and I don't drink cheap alcohol. No. I enjoy it within reasonable amounts. I think kegs are trashy, and don't drink more than one glass if I'm going out.

See Amsterdam and pot. You can just make it entirely personal stories. In fact, after marijuana was legalized in Amsterdam, the usage by the city's inhabitants actually went down.

There's also a McGill U study that backs up the banning theory. The US exchange students - who are used to overly extreme 21+ drinking ages, arrive in Montreal, and end up smashing back cheap domestic beer. The Montrealites - who grew up in Montreal, with the 18+ drinking age [which depending on who you ask, is either very enforced or merely a suggestion] were less likely to binge drink.

i'm not questioning your research. i'm just simply saying that my parents taught me what they thought was right and now i have no desire to do certain things because of them

 

[Boss_BlueAngels]

Respecting your parents is one thing but you deserve respect from your parents as well.

 

[seamonster]

Once you move out and away, you are no longer your parents responsibility, and they have no say over what you do. I can't believe they would even say that have authority over your husband. Wow. I can't imagine telling my husband, "sorry babe, I can't have a glass of wine with you on our anniversary, mom and dad said no." At some point, you have to grow up and make your own decisions. I'm sure your parents don't obey everything THEIR parents tell them. There's no reason you should obey everything they say - once you are out of their house and of legal age.

 

[Apollo Celestio]

I hate to be blunt, but its crazy . I can see you not being allowed to show up falling down drunk while you're still living at home. And even if you are living alone, I don't think anyone in their right mind reccomends getting smashed. But if its legal, its your decision to have a glass of wine at dinner or not. Like I said, I don't think there's anything biblical about being controlling. You can guide people into being responsible, but you can't complete ban them from drinking responsibly or going on vacation. Unless it was the parents resources that were going toward keg rentals and the vacation in question or something. But I think your parents are being excessive. There's certainly nothing wrong with alcohol or going on vacation. Obviously, there are exceptions, but at a certain point the cord has to be cut.

As for the tattoo comment, if you feel a need to ask a husband for permission to get a tattoo... that screams both unhealthy relationship and the fact that one is not ready to get that tattoo.

I don't think it's wrong to ask your husband, after all, what if he finds tatoos really unattractive?

 

[Trashionista]

I don't think it's wrong to ask your husband, after all, what if he finds tatoos really unattractive?

And its her body.

I mean, if it were a question of a husband telling his wife what to wear, and forbidding her from wearing minidresses or wearing her hair in a high ponytail, EVERYONE would be up in arms. How is a tattoo really any different?

 

[Apollo Celestio]

And its her body.

I mean, if it were a question of a husband telling his wife what to wear, and forbidding her from wearing minidresses or wearing her hair in a high ponytail, EVERYONE would be up in arms. How is a tattoo really any different?

What if she wanted Mike Tyson on her face? lol, I'd protest it. Those things are unattractive, and I think that when you get married, those sort of things should be allowed. Alcoholic parents are a good way not to want to drink too.

 

[Trashionista]

What if she wanted Mike Tyson on her face? lol, I'd protest it. Those things are unattractive, and I think that when you get married, those sort of things should be allowed. Alcoholic parents are a good way not to want to drink too.

And again, you may dislike her hair down, or one's wife in a-line skirts or something. That doesn't really give you the right to disallow it.

And of course, a controlling attitude on the part of one's husband? That's very sexy to a wife.

The alcoholic parent comment is completely out of left field. As plenty of people can have alcoholic parents, but not nessecarily become alcoholics themselves - even if they do drink.

 

[Trashionista]

I don't think it's wrong to ask your husband, after all, what if he finds tatoos really unattractive?

You can certainly ask. But if you really want a tattoo, the fact that her husband dislikes them shouldn't be a deterrant.

Again, we'd all be screaming bloody murder if a husband disallowed his wife to wear make-up. How is a tattoo any different? Its self-expression. Regardless whether you find them appealing or not.

I'd be running for the hills if some husband was acting the way the OP outlined. Because I guess, this controlling attitude on the part of one's husband is supposed to be very sexy to a wife.

Really, it makes no logic whatsoever.

 

[sunstruckdream]

I'd be running for the hills if some husband was acting the way the OP outlined. Because I guess, this controlling attitude on the part of one's husband is supposed to be very sexy to a wife.

Really, it makes no logic whatsoever.

...Sexy? Infuriating and repulsive is more what I'd call it.

 

[PixieSunbelle]

I just don't feel that at this age an 18 year old should be treated as if they are still in HS. Just because an 18 year old is still living at home does not mean that they are not adults.
I don't think that the parent should provide alcohol; I don't think that the parent is obligated to buy everything for the kid anymore...

This is a time in a kid's life to make decisions and mistakes of their own.
Parents who restrain their children at this critical time do not prepare their children for life. At this time; instead of learning to live- they are learning to be dependent. Thats why i believe what I believe.

 

[bliz]

I just don't feel that at this age an 18 year old should be treated as if they are still in HS.

And what of the 18 Year olds who are still in high school?

Just because an 18 year old is still living at home does not mean that they are not adults.
I don't think that the parent should provide alcohol; I don't think that the parent is obligated to buy everything for the kid anymore...

An 18 year living at home is not an adult.

A kid wants to "be an adult" they can move out and pay rent on their own place that they furnish for themselves. I am not obligated to pay for anything.

This is a time in a kid's life to make decisions and mistakes of their own.
Parents who restrain their children at this critical time do not prepare their children for life. At this time; instead of learning to live- they are learning to be dependent. Thats why i believe what I believe.

You have just made the case for kicking 18 year olds out of the family home to be on their own.

 

[Trashionista]

...Sexy? Infuriating and repulsive is more what I'd call it.

Ah, sarcasm doesn't go well over the internet. But the sexy comment in regards to controlling attitude was meant on my part to be sarcastic.

Sorry for any confusion.

 

[sunstruckdream]

Ah, sarcasm doesn't go well over the internet. But the sexy comment in regards to controlling attitude was meant on my part to be sarcastic.

Sorry for any confusion.

Oh...



Sorry...

 

[PixieSunbelle]

And what of the 18 Year olds who are still in high school?

I believe that age is what makes someone be able to make choices for themselves.

An 18 year living at home is not an adult.
A kid wants to "be an adult" they can move out and pay rent on their own place that they furnish for themselves. I am not obligated to pay for anything.

A person cannot just be thrown out and be expected to make the right choices if they are not given the freedom...

 

[chava]

It's not healthy to let them control you. Respect them but you don't always have to obey them. I mean it's legal for you to go out on your own and explore which is why God created the 20's. Don't get into the wrong things obviously but honestly a trip with some friend's in your 20's is NORMAL. Being at home with your mom and dad because you're not married is not normal in this culture. If you were living in Iraq I'd tell you to watch it because for even being on this forum you could be killed but we're a free nation and part of that is being able to choose for ourselves. If you don't get out there and do it you'll be sheltered to the point that your husband will control you. You don't want that! I have never seen a happy marriage where the woman was controlled. Tell them you respect them but it's time for personal growth. The Lord may use this to strengthen you to your fullest but there is no growth without hardship and mistake.

 

[Prod]

I've always belonged to the school of thought that if you are living in your parents' house, then you abide by their rules. If you're not in the house, you make the rules. I've seen way too many good people with overly strict parents just snap completely and get involved into drinking, drugs, sex, gangs, etc. The problem is that when parent make every decision for their child, at some point in time human nature takes over and you decide to choose for yourself. Of course, being that you want to choose for yourself and you've been told not to do all these things, your natural choice is to try them out. The thing is that frequently parents tell you not to do something for a reason. "To be smart is to learn from your mistakes; to be wise is to learn from other people's mistakes." Sometimes, they don't make that reason clear, and sometimes that reason is in regards to something specific that happened to them and isn't necessarily normal. For example, if your mom went binge drinking with some friends and one of her friends died, she may never want to have alcohol again. But there are plenty of people who enjoy alcohol responsibly. That's where the whole personal choice thing comes into play. The reason for most failed relationships is because people want something about the other person to change. No one can change or control other people. God doesn't even do that; He puts events in our lives to try to sway our decisions, but ultimately it's up to us to make the choice.

Like everything in life, parental controls require a balance. I think your parents are limiting you too much. If something doesn't change, you'll either become a recluse or you'll snap and get involved in things that aren't terribly healthy for the mind, body, and soul. YMMV of course.

 

[bliz]

I agree. When young people have had no experience making decisions, they don't know how to do it very well. Beyond experience, they need some instruction and explaination of how parents have arrived at the decisions they have made.

I used to work with a Christian college and we'd get these kids who hadn't been allowed to decide what to wear, and they tended to be terrible at setting limits and rules for themselves and many of them made very bad choices.

 

[jelvenko]

Hey all, i was wondering what your view point on how much say your parents have in your life.....i'm almost 20, and my mom and sister and i were having a conversation the other day....they both believe that until the day you get married, my mom and dad have the absolute say in my life...even if i'm not living at home....even if i'm 30 years old and single....for example, i have been forbidden to ever drink any alcohol, it doesn't matter if i'm of age, i've also been forbidden to ever get a tattoo, even if my husband says it's ok....or if they don't want me to take a trip while i'm living on my own, they have that authority to tell me i can't go....they claim it's biblical..... Now i understand that we are to honor our mother and our father....i believe that means to show them respect...however, i do not believe that means you have to obey them until you are married....
i was talking to another Christian friend of mine the other day and she was saying that in the Bible, that was expected of women....however it was cultural...women were seen as property.....
i want to be obedient to God's word.....but i also want to live my own walk with God and be an adult....
i was just wondering what your thoughts are....er...well...scripturally

Here is my own humble personal opinion and experience.

First off, I am number 5 of 6. I have four older siblings and a younger sister. So by the time that I was ready to move out, my parents were ready.

I moved out just over a year ago, when I got married. Actually am living about 2,000 miles away from them. (Which I hate, but we're planning on moving closer once we can afford it.)

After I graduated from high school, my parents gave me a considerable amount of freedom. They actually gave me a car for my 19th birthday. I did have a job and was making money of my own. Since I was still living at home, I was expected to follow certain rules. Such as, no alcohol, cigarettes, or drugs in the house, go to church every week, pay for your own gas. They didn't require me to tell them every place I went. But if I was going to be gone for the weekend, or wouldn't be home until late I would let them know. For example, I went one weekend to visit one of my best friends for the weekend. She lived about 250-300 miles away. I was going to go just for the day, but decided to stay the weekend. So when my plans changed, I called my parents and informed them of what was going on. This was so they wouldn't be wondering what happened, or worried that I had been in an accident. Another time, I went to visit my brother who lived 100 miles away. The weather was crummy that weekend. I called my mom when I left my brother's place to head back home. Again, so they could have an idea of when I would be home, and if I wasn't home after so many hours they would know something had happened.

Other than that, they didn't care where I was, or who I was with. Just as long as I didn't get into any trouble.

Another thing I had to do while living with my parents was pay my own cell phone bill. Which was not a problem I was an adult and had to learn responsibilities needed to cope in the realy world. I also helped by groceries and had to buy my own personal hygiene items. Again, it was understandable. I was working, making my own money, and was capable of making sure I had what I needed. They never woke me up in the morning to make sure I was going to make it to work on time. If I was late it would be my own fault.


After moving out, they have not tried to control me at all. My husbands mom is still having some problems cutting the apron strings (she comes over when we aren't home just to check and see if the garbage had been taken out, while her own garbage has been piling up for over 3 weeks).


Also, when my odler siblings all moved out, they were perfectly capable of making their own decisions. All of us were allowed to make our own choices in life. If they weren't the right choice, then we would have to suffer the consequences.



In conclusion, I feel that as long as you are living under your parents roof, there are certain rules that must be followed. It isn't your own house, it's theirs. BUT once when you move out, that is a sign to the world and your parents that you feel you are old enough, and capable enough to make YOUR OWN decisions and am willing to deal with the consequences of those decisions.


As far as biblical passages to back this up, I don't have any. My suggestion would be this:
Save up enough to get a place of your own. Don't give you parents the phone number. Use it as an opportunity to prove to them and yourself that you are a mature adult, that they raised you right, and you can make your own decisions and deal with the consequences in a mature, adult manner.