Overwhelming shame

[rhssm]

Please pray for me... I don't know exactly how to describe it... but I feel like so much angst and shame is coming out of me right now. I hope it's coming out to finally leave me for good. It's overwhelming me. I was abuse as a child.. I know verbally, but sometimes I wonder if I was ever sexually abused. I feel so dirty and ashamed right now and I can't explain it. I have a flashback sometimes and wonder what it is.

I have spent years and years trying to cover up any glitch in my outward behavior so that no one knows all of the stuff inside that I've had to deal with. I do this because when people see anything that sends a red flag that I have any kind of issue, they then no longer view me as an equal... no longer have any interest in associating with me. This makes everything inside become worse... and I just have been trying to survive. If I show people what they want to see and expect to see out of me... then I get positive feedback, which has a more positive effect on how I feel about myself. It's at least enough to get me by.

But I know that in order for me to ever truly heal and move on... I'm going to have to continue to reveal every ugly, broken part of me to the world... until it's finally healed. If I'm not vulnerable and open... I won't heal. If I pretend there's nothing wrong... then the problems will never be addressed and worked on. I'm going to have to go through a fire and I pray that the end is soon near....
I've already been through so much.

I just want to be viewed as the person that I am... NOW. I don't want people to treat me a certain way because of my past and how it's hurt me. I don't want to be ashamed of my past any more. I want to heal and live NOW.

Thank you for your prayers. This is the scariest feeling.

 

[aiki]

Please pray for me... I don't know exactly how to describe it... but I feel like so much angst and shame is coming out of me right now. I hope it's coming out to finally leave me for good. It's overwhelming me. I was abuse as a child.. I know verbally, but sometimes I wonder if I was ever sexually abused. I feel so dirty and ashamed right now and I can't explain it. I have a flashback sometimes and wonder what it is.

Sounds like you're in a very unpleasant place inside. Do you think God has anything to do with these feelings?

I have spent years and years trying to cover up any glitch in my outward behavior so that no one knows all of the stuff inside that I've had to deal with.

Do you think this is what God would have you do?

I do this because when people see anything that sends a red flag that I have any kind of issue, they then no longer view me as an equal... no longer have any interest in associating with me. This makes everything inside become worse... and I just have been trying to survive. If I show people what they want to see and expect to see out of me... then I get positive feedback, which has a more positive effect on how I feel about myself. It's at least enough to get me by.

Do you think you have to tell everyone everything about you?

But I know that in order for me to ever truly heal and move on... I'm going to have to continue to reveal every ugly, broken part of me to the world... until it's finally healed. If I'm not vulnerable and open... I won't heal. If I pretend there's nothing wrong... then the problems will never be addressed and worked on. I'm going to have to go through a fire and I pray that the end is soon near....
I've already been through so much.

Why do you think healing from...whatever it is requires revealing all to the world? I'm pretty sure this isn't something the Bible recommends.

Jesus said, "Come unto me, all you who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest." (Matt. 11:28)

But, the Bible also says, "Confess your faults one to another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effectual, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much." (Ja. 5:16)

There is a place for sharing with another (not others) who you really are - warts and all. As this verse suggests, however, it should be with a person who you have determined is righteous and who will take you and your problems to the Lord in prayer. This last bit is important because it is only the Lord who can really fix what's broken within you.

I just want to be viewed as the person that I am... NOW. I don't want people to treat me a certain way because of my past and how it's hurt me. I don't want to be ashamed of my past any more. I want to heal and live NOW.

I guess you'll just have to be circumspect about who it is to whom you reveal yourself fully. Not everyone needs to know your darkest, innermost secrets. The One who really should know already does. And He's got the answers ready and waiting.

Thank you for your prayers. This is the scariest feeling.

"For God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." (2 Ti. 1:7)

Peace to you.

 

[Onlythingavailable]

I agree with aiki, you don't need to share your problems with everyone, but you do need to confront these issues together with one or more you can trust. Do you have any counseling at your church? I'm so sorry for all the pain you have gone through, and that you haven't found any friends who have really accepted you. If you want to talk, feel free to PM me.

I will pray for you.

 

[rhssm]

Aiki and Onlythingavailable - Thank you.

It's not that I'm purposely going to go out and make my issues known to everyone. It's that when I stop thinking about the way I appear to others and stop putting up a perfect front and keeping myself in check with what's "expected"... and just be my complete, natural self... people begin to see that something's wrong or different from the norm and then start to treat me differently. I'm no longer on their "level." I think it's, for some, that they have no idea how to deal with it. Others, just criticize me and either think I'm "weird" or that I do things with different (negative) intentions than I really do.

 

[aiki]

It's not that I'm purposely going to go out and make my issues known to everyone. It's that when I stop thinking about the way I appear to others and stop putting up a perfect front and keeping myself in check with what's "expected"... and just be my complete, natural self... people begin to see that something's wrong or different from the norm and then start to treat me differently.

What are you doing when you are being your "complete, natural self" that puts people off? Are you speaking of personal eccentricities or refusing to behave within socially accepted norms?

I'm no longer on their "level." I think it's, for some, that they have no idea how to deal with it.

What is "it" exactly?

Others, just criticize me and either think I'm "weird" or that I do things with different (negative) intentions than I really do.

No one can read your mind. If you are doing something that you know may give the wrong impression perhaps you ought not to do it (or at least not do it in the company of people who are likely to get the wrong impression). We are commanded in Scripture to "abstain from all appearance of evil." (1 Thess. 5:22) This command rests upon the idea that you love God and your neighbor, which, if you do, will mean that you will temper your behaviour to best reflect Christ to those around you. (2 Co. 3:3; 2:14; Ro. 8:29) If you love God, you will sacrifice doing what is natural and pleasing to you in order not to give offense or the wrong impression to another. (Ro. 14:13; 1 Co. 8:9) If you love God, you will take care as His ambassador to the World to demonstrate His grace, compassion and holiness, which will often mean that what comes naturally to you must be resisted.

Being a Christian isn't about letting your hair down and just being yourself; its about conforming yourself more and more to the character of Christ.

Peace to you.

 

[rhssm]

Sounds like you're in a very unpleasant place inside. Do you think God has anything to do with these feelings?

No, I'm pretty sure He doesn't. The feelings come from what I've been told about myself over and over and over again the majority of my life through words and actions. I realize this now, but it's still something that has to heal one day at a time. And there are some things about myself that I'm sure I still haven't come to realize as truth about myself and my situation, I'm sure.

Do you think this is what God would have you do?

No He wouldn't. It's become a natural defense mechanism that I've used for so long... most of my life I really have needed it in order to survive... to not completely lose sanity. I'm having to learn how to let my guard down now.

I guess you'll just have to be circumspect about who it is to whom you reveal yourself fully. Not everyone needs to know your darkest, innermost secrets. The One who really should know already does. And He's got the answers ready and waiting.

I know all that really matters is what God knows and His truth of the matter. I've just been severely abused, psychologically and emotionally, my whole life, so am seeking a safe place to heal. It's not always easy to feel in a peaceful place in this imperfect world - and it would be unrealistic to expect it to be - but I admit I'm more fragile than the average person after everything. I have been clinging to God more tightly and that has helped a lot... I just wish I could find more people on this earth to truly be there for me also. God did make us relational beings.

 

[rhssm]

What are you doing when you are being your "complete, natural self" that puts people off? Are you speaking of personal eccentricities or refusing to behave within socially accepted norms?

I guess this would be the easiest and best way to sum up what I do: First of all, I was reprimanded severely whenever my natural self came out as a child - personality wise: I was naturally happy, energetic, out-going, fun-loving, easy-going, creative... Being who I just was and just really still am inside... whether repressed or not... has thankfully become most prominent in my behavior now - through a tremendous amount of hard work and pushing beyond my normal limits. But sometimes I will quickly revert back to my old self: insecure, quiet, ashamed, easily frightened - the opposite of who I naturally was/should be - if I feel threatened or in a situation that, may be natural to others, but one that I'm not comfortable with... due to my severe groundings and verbal abuse - kept away from social interaction as a child and screamed at a tremendous amount. I hope that's explained well. I don't have multiple personalities... if that's what you're wondering... I'm one person. I just sometimes revert to a much more timid version of myself... before I began healing and really growing... when I was when under constant, severe attack and had to constantly keep my guard up. I guess now that I'm given more freedom and opportunities than before... I'm afraid of the unknown so become hesitant sometimes and hesitant of people's reactions to my inexperience in areas that come more "naturally" to them.

What is "it" exactly?

"It" would be the times when I revert to the more oppressed version of myself. It's the crossing over - me overcoming the damage I've been given and healing - that is difficult. In order to truly cross over to my true self and stay there for good... people are going to have to see me limbo for a while, dealing with some insecurities and fears. And I WILL be criticized for it - I have been thus far. I think the criticism ITSELF is what's held me back most. Being criticized for things I feel uncomfortable doing makes it that much harder for me to overcome my insecurities and move beyond them. But it's been worth it walking through this fire though... because I've overcome a lot and healed a lot. I'm still not through though and it's just hard getting there.

If you love God, you will sacrifice doing what is natural and pleasing to you in order not to give offense or the wrong impression to another. (Ro. 14:13; 1 Co. 8:9)

What if I'm still learning how to deal with and cope with some social "norms" that I wasn't given the opportunity to learn on the same age level as other people? It's not necessarily a matter of sacrificing doing what is natural as knowing what is natural and/or feeling comfortable doing what is natural to most. Or just not being afraid of the unknown.... or not being afraid of being criticized for my inexperience due to an abusive childhood.

Being a Christian isn't about letting your hair down and just being yourself; its about conforming yourself more and more to the character of Christ.

I am a very moral and Christian-like person for the most part. Sometimes people get the wrong impression when I really do mean well and am just continuing to expand my horizons. In my case, it's important that I learn to let my hair down and just be myself or I will never be best Christian example it's possible for me to be.

 

[Johnnz]

When we incorporate unhealthy attitudes and values into our life we establish patterns and habits. Quite a lot on unlearning and replacing is needed. So, you will find it hard initially to do some of the things you want to do. but do them anyway.

Our salvation makes us more human not less. The devil takes away from us what God intends (robs, kills, destroys. John 10:10). Get back into living out of all the good things God has placed within you, and you will find your new experiences will gradually replace all that negative stuff.

Bless you
John
NZ

 

[aiki]

I hope that's explained well. I don't have multiple personalities... if that's what you're wondering... I'm one person. I just sometimes revert to a much more timid version of myself... before I began healing and really growing... when I was when under constant, severe attack and had to constantly keep my guard up. I guess now that I'm given more freedom and opportunities than before... I'm afraid of the unknown so become hesitant sometimes and hesitant of people's reactions to my inexperience in areas that come more "naturally" to them.

Oh, I see. Your hesitancy, as you've described it here, doesn't sound so off-putting. Everyone has insecurities; you aren't the only one. If you aren't being offensive or hyper-sensitive what exactly would people criticize you for?

What if I'm still learning how to deal with and cope with some social "norms" that I wasn't given the opportunity to learn on the same age level as other people? It's not necessarily a matter of sacrificing doing what is natural as knowing what is natural and/or feeling comfortable doing what is natural to most. Or just not being afraid of the unknown.... or not being afraid of being criticized for my inexperience due to an abusive childhood.

Discovering the things you're talking about here and growing into them shouldn't require that you be un-Christlike. I'm sure that if you go through the social normalizing process seeking always to be more like Christ you'll find very few have anything critical to say about you.

I am a very moral and Christian-like person for the most part. Sometimes people get the wrong impression when I really do mean well and am just continuing to expand my horizons.

Welcome to the club. Sometimes no matter what you do certain people will only see something negative. So long as your heart is right with the Lord, you've got no cause to worry about what others may think or say.

In my case, it's important that I learn to let my hair down and just be myself or I will never be best Christian example it's possible for me to be.

Sure, let your hair down - just do it in a way that honors the Lord!

Peace to you.

 

[Amaryllismayfly]

Hi there~ I can relate to what you are saying. (((((((((((((Big hug)))))))))))) It is going to get better. My suggestion is to first be as real as possible with God. Share everything you can think of with him, maybe journal it out. Then ask him for someone safe to share some of it with.

What I saw in my life was that becoming whole is a process. God draws things out little by little, and heals me. You are not alone. Chances are if you could poll all the people you know the majority would say similar things, believe it or not.

It sounds like you don't want to be fake, or maybe you feel the need to reveal the good bad and ugly to everyone to finally get free. God has that freedom for you, but chances are you will have to walk this out for a while, because God usually does his healing layer by layer. The need to purge often comes from our wanting to be healed Right Now. They don't call us the microwave generation for nothing! lol

Take a deep breath, it sounds like God is highlighting that he has healing for you. Maybe start praising him for the healing he has in store for you, the wholeness he Is bringing to you. Pray about whom you share your pain and vulnerability with, God does ask us not to cast our pearls before swine. Often we don't even know who the swine are. Trust him that he will answer your prayer if you ask whom you should share with.

 

[Anti Existance]

What you need to consult is a psychologist, you shouldn't make your heart a murder hole, but you also shouldn't spill your guts to just anyone, you need someone who you can trust, hopefully you can find a good psychologist who can help you with your problem.

That way you can feel relieved and you can finally start working on your problems of the past.

I don't believe you have been abused sexually, trust me if you have been you would have remembered , and if it did happen and you can't remember all the more good fortune to you.

The problem is when you are super over sensetive you need someone to talk to who can understand you, and relate to what you are experiencing.

The bad news is no one wants to get to know you for who you really are, no one wants to be confronted with your bad side, for instance if my bad side was yelling at you, and it would be my true side, you would not like to be confronted with it, and that's a truth that counts vice versa.

So my suggestion is to play the game along , and only to reveal your true self to your psychiatrist, or someone who you deeply trust, and even then i would say watch out.

 

[lavenderskies]

My advice to you is if you have not already, to seek counseling. A pastoral counselor would be great. My child was sexually abused. We saw a pastoral counselor for 2 years. My child has come so far.
She has always refused to even talk to anyone with the same name as her abuser (its a very common name) and now she is dating a boy with that name. She has spoken out about the abuse, she has helped others to escape abuse also.
Remember God can take something as ugly and horrible as abuse and use it for his glory.

 

[Amaryllismayfly]

wow, that's amazing lavender skies!! ((((((((big hugs to you and your girlie))))))))))