Overcoming inappropriate contentographic Activity and Addiction-Couples Support and Recovery Thread

[I Art Laughing]

I quite clearly said BOTH spouses should be doing this. It looks like however it needs to look like in each particular marriage, and according to the sin issues taking place. For instance, when I was drinking, it looked like my husband refusing to go and get wine for me when I had finished the first bottle and was hankering after more. It looked like him counseling me on how I had behaved the night before, which I often didn't remember. It looked like him saying a LOT of hard things I did NOT want to hear, but which sank in, over time, especially when coupled with a great deal of scripture which I wrote out in copious amounts. When he confessed his inappropriate content addiction to me, he asked me to keep him accountable. Not the smartest choice but he refused to find anyone else. I didn't really want to hear what his thought processes were or how he dreamed about accessing inappropriate content (typical addict dreams - I had them about alcohol too), and how hard it was not to use inappropriate content. I attempted to keep him focused on the long term plan, and encouraged him that "this too will pass". I also let him know if I saw signs he was slipping (which he did). I did not withhold from him, in fact our history is that he consistently withholds from me.

IMO, it's much easier to "sharpen" a person with a non-sexual sin. My drinking did not impact him sexually, but his inappropriate content use did impact me sexually. Sexuality seems to me to be the absolute most deeply personal and private thing in most people's, um, psyche? (Not sure how to put that.) So that made it hard to listen to my h talking about how badly he wanted to get off on looking at naked women who weren't me. But at the same time, knowing all about the shameful nature of addiction (all addicts are ashamed) I had to abstain from showing my feelings about the things he told me, so that he would not be ashamed of telling me, because if he could not talk to me, there was nobody else to talk to.

Anyway, that is my experience of us "sharpening" each other.

I agree that his choosing you as an accountability partner was a bad choice. I think that affects wives horribly. I'm sorry that you've had this experience. I am also sorry that I inferred that you withheld from him, I can see how hurtful that can be. I'm going over my recent posts and checking myself again.

Thank you for your direct answer and your candor. It is an excellent post.

 

[JanniGirl]

Providing sex on demand and pandering to the spouse's assertion that if only they had more, better, spicier sex that they wouldn't view inappropriate content or cheat is NOT a good idea.

That feeds the addiction and is an enabling function.

Providing loving support emotionally, and if appropriate, sexually (sometimes it's just not appropriate) as well as accountability is a good idea.

I happen to believe having the wife as an accountability partner is the VERY BEST IDEA. Why would I want my husband to cheat on me in private, then keep that privacy by confiding in someone who it impacts not the least rather than telling me about it? Why would my husband think that its acceptable to lie to me but then to go and tell someone else. That's warped thinking.

 

[I Art Laughing]

Providing sex on demand and pandering to the spouse's assertion that if only they had more, better, spicier sex that they wouldn't view inappropriate content or cheat is NOT a good idea.

That feeds the addiction and is an enabling function.

Providing loving support emotionally, and if appropriate, sexually (sometimes it's just not appropriate) as well as accountability is a good idea.

I happen to believe having the wife as an accountability partner is the VERY BEST IDEA. Why would I want my husband to cheat on me in private, then keep that privacy by confiding in someone who it impacts not the least rather than telling me about it? Why would my husband think that its acceptable to lie to me but then to go and tell someone else. That's warped thinking.

You answered your own question. Your submission to your husband becomes more difficult if you know he is failing to lust. You become his mommy figure and he starts thinking that his good behavior is negotiation for the sex he needs from his wife.

Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
(1Co 7:1-5)


You directly contradict the Bible. You have it backwards. Sex in marriage IS to help overcome fornication/lust not to provide the punishment for fornication/lust by it's denial. It plainly says that you are to render "due benevolence" and that your body is not yours but your spouses. How do begin to think you can just reverse the Bible like that?

Does pop psychology now trump the Bible?

 

[JanniGirl]

No. It's not lust -- it's idolitry. And having more sex with your wife won't fix it.

 

[JanniGirl]

And I consider it a perverse view of marriage if you view almost every interaction between spouses as a negotiation for sex. It really debases the relationship and the sexual experience to think of it in that manner. It also might be why there is such a fascination with lust and inappropriate content ....

 

[I Art Laughing]

And I consider it a perverse view of marriage if you view almost every interaction between spouses as a negotiation for sex. It really debases the relationship and the sexual experience to think of it in that manner. It also might be why there is such a fascination with lust and inappropriate content ....

Where to start here. I wish that interactions between spouses were never negotiation for sex. I'm glad to know you think it's perverse.

I don't think ANY sex in a marriage should "negotiation for".

According to Corinthians you need to have mutual consent to NOT have sex. So when any partner wants sex they should be getting it. What is there to negotiate about in that? If one spouse withholds sex THEY are the ones doing the negotiating, THEY are the ones doing the debasing.

I think you nailed it though. I think spouses using sex as a negotiating tool IS why there is such a fascination with lust and inappropriate content. That is why Paul told us not to do it.

 

[I Art Laughing]

oops

 

[HisBlood2011]

How do you act on that worry? What do you do to help your husband?

When men come to me I can tell them to abstain from lust, to fast from food when they are struggling, to appreciate their wife and to look for God's provision for them IN THEIR WIFE. I tell them that God has given them their wife to provide a "way of escape" for them so that they can overcome lust. I pray with them and frequently ask them how they are doing. I love them and let them know I care about them. I can't be their wives. Wives can provide for them in ways that I cannot (and I can provide in ways that they cannot).

What does a wife do? How is she God's provision for her husbands needs?

What do you do to help your husband?

Whatever she can do, which is primarily praying, fasting, and listening to him, then praying some more.

 

[suzybeezy]

911 Mod Mediation:

Sigh, folks, I feel like a broken record. Not sure why this is difficult to understand but for the umpteenth time, please remember our rule on flaming:

● Do not insult, belittle, mock, goad, personally attack, threaten, harass, or use derogatory nicknames in reference to other members or groups of members. Address the context of the post, not the poster.


I'll be cleaning up this thread to remove the flaming posts - continued flaming will result in official staff actions.​

 

[ferreira]

I have very recently gone though this with my wife. She found the inappropriate content and confronted me about it.

She was very upset and in tears but we talked long and hard about it and I answered all the questions she was asking.

What hit home for me was until that point, I didnt think what I was doing was wrong. I was in the dark and thought that if it wasnt physical then it would be ok. Boy was I wrong. Seeing her upset and hurt flipped a switch for me and I felt so sick to my stomach and was so ashamed that I broke down crying. Not becuase I got cought, but because of how much I hurt her.

One thing I have to stress to men dealing with this horrible addiction is to have 100% communication with your wife. I found that I looked at inappropriate content when I was bored and also when I was sad/depressed. We worked together to find solutions for these triggers.

My wife has been amazing with her support. We recently went to a Christian book store and I purchased a book called "Every Man's Battle" I found this to be a great book as it was written by men who where faced with and overcame this addiction.

I am not saying I am cured. I believe it is something that will always require effort to avoid but one thing that works for me is this....

Whenever I am tempted to view inappropriate content in any form, I think about my wife and remember how upset and hurt she was and how that made me feel. Then I think is it really worth it? and my answer always has been and always will be no.

One thing I want to stress here is that I would not be as successful in my recovery if I did not have the support of my wife and the open communication between us.

 

[peckaboo]

One thing I have to stress to men dealing with this horrible addiction is to have 100% communication with your wife. I found that I looked at inappropriate content when I was bored and also when I was sad/depressed. We worked together to find solutions for these triggers.

Ferreira, can you expand on what some of the solutions were that you found for these triggers? My husband is also triggered when he feels sad/depressed, and, being an introvert, he's not inclined to come and talk to me about how he's feeling. It requires less vulnerability on his part to seek out comfort in inappropriate content, than to come and tell me he's feeling sad.

He's also especially tempted late at night when he's having trouble sleeping. I fall asleep very quickly, but he's often awake for an hour or more, and says that he feels alone because he's the only one awake. We have sex 3 or 4 times a week - it's not like I climb into bed and fall straight asleep and he's left feeling sexually frustrated. He's just bored and wants to be asleep, and I guess on the nights we haven't had sex masturbating helps him fall asleep. A few weeks ago I discovered that he'd been looking up sex scenes from R-rated movies late at night, in our bed, while I was asleep beside him. Can any man out there tell me anything at all that can make this easier for him?

 

[ferreira]

Ferreira, can you expand on what some of the solutions were that you found for these triggers? My husband is also triggered when he feels sad/depressed, and, being an introvert, he's not inclined to come and talk to me about how he's feeling. It requires less vulnerability on his part to seek out comfort in inappropriate content, than to come and tell me he's feeling sad.

He's also especially tempted late at night when he's having trouble sleeping. I fall asleep very quickly, but he's often awake for an hour or more, and says that he feels alone because he's the only one awake. We have sex 3 or 4 times a week - it's not like I climb into bed and fall straight asleep and he's left feeling sexually frustrated. He's just bored and wants to be asleep, and I guess on the nights we haven't had sex masturbating helps him fall asleep. A few weeks ago I discovered that he'd been looking up sex scenes from R-rated movies late at night, in our bed, while I was asleep beside him. Can any man out there tell me anything at all that can make this easier for him?

Whenever I felt sad or depressed I would talk to my wife about why I am feeling the way that I do and then we talk and sometimes pray. If my wife is not around I come to this site or read the Bible.

Sometimes I even just do a Google search for what is upsetting me and read how other people are dealing with it.

If your husband is tempted when he cant fall asleep, try an over the counter sleeping pill. It worked for me

 

[chaz345]

I have very recently gone though this with my wife. She found the inappropriate content and confronted me about it.

She was very upset and in tears but we talked long and hard about it and I answered all the questions she was asking.

What hit home for me was until that point, I didnt think what I was doing was wrong. I was in the dark and thought that if it wasnt physical then it would be ok. Boy was I wrong. Seeing her upset and hurt flipped a switch for me and I felt so sick to my stomach and was so ashamed that I broke down crying. Not becuase I got cought, but because of how much I hurt her.

One thing I have to stress to men dealing with this horrible addiction is to have 100% communication with your wife. I found that I looked at inappropriate content when I was bored and also when I was sad/depressed. We worked together to find solutions for these triggers.

My wife has been amazing with her support. We recently went to a Christian book store and I purchased a book called "Every Man's Battle" I found this to be a great book as it was written by men who where faced with and overcame this addiction.

I am not saying I am cured. I believe it is something that will always require effort to avoid but one thing that works for me is this....

Whenever I am tempted to view inappropriate content in any form, I think about my wife and remember how upset and hurt she was and how that made me feel. Then I think is it really worth it? and my answer always has been and always will be no.

One thing I want to stress here is that I would not be as successful in my recovery if I did not have the support of my wife and the open communication between us.

On the communication with your wife point, I, as one who has been there would refine it just a little. You need to have the level of communication/disclosure during your healing process that she is comfortable with. Part of healing is disclosing to someone pretty much each and every struggle and temptation that you come across and it's rare that the wife is able to deal with or wants that level of detail. So in other words she needs to get the level of detail that she's comfortable with and it's usually best if your primary accountability partner is someone else.

So open and honest communications with her? Absolutely. Her being the one you talk to about each and every temptation, even the ones you sucessfully resist, probably not although if that's what she wants then yes.

In terms of thinking about not hurting your wife when faced with temptation, that's good but it's not the end point. I was there for a long time at the beginning of my recovery but I eventually came to the point of realizing that while not hurting my wife was a good motivation to stop, it's not the ultimate point. Not hurting/disappointing God has to eventually become your main motivation.

On the working WITH your wife through this, that's absolutely a critical ingredient.

In terms of Every Man's Battle, I'm not a fan. Some of the detail they go into in describing their temptations paints FAR to vivid a picture for me. I actually found myself starting to get aroused reading one of them. Is that a reason to discount the whole book? Probably not but there are, IMO better resources out there including the online course(s) at www.settingcaptivesrfree.com and Pure Desire by Ted Roberts.

 

[JanniGirl]

Personally, I liked the Every Man's Battle workshop and accountability group format that has proved vital to my husband's recovery.

Setting captives free was like EMB Lite -- and the stuff they advocate for the wife is ridiculous. Of NO use to me.

If your wife wants to be your accountability person -- it should be her role to decline or accept. It's her sex life, too, after all.

 

[ferreira]

I agree that reading Every man's battle was helpful

 

[chaz345]

Personally, I liked the Every Man's Battle workshop and accountability group format that has proved vital to my husband's recovery.

Setting captives free was like EMB Lite -- and the stuff they advocate for the wife is ridiculous. Of NO use to me.

If your wife wants to be your accountability person -- it should be her role to decline or accept. It's her sex life, too, after all.

I should have been more clear in saying that settingcaptivesfree is a good starting point but not a comprehensive solution.

And I think I did say that if the wife wants to be the primary accountability partner then go for it. I was just saying that I've not seen it work very well, usually because she often doesn't understand what it entails. That and dealing with specific details on a constant and daily basis will, in most cases, simply keep her in a place of hurt and anger. Sort of like picking away a little bit at a scab every day. The wife should absolutely receive any and all details that she wants, I'm just saying that having her as the primary, "confess every little temptation to them" accountability partner may not be a good idea.

 

[chaz345]

Ferreira, can you expand on what some of the solutions were that you found for these triggers? My husband is also triggered when he feels sad/depressed, and, being an introvert, he's not inclined to come and talk to me about how he's feeling. It requires less vulnerability on his part to seek out comfort in inappropriate content, than to come and tell me he's feeling sad.

He's also especially tempted late at night when he's having trouble sleeping. I fall asleep very quickly, but he's often awake for an hour or more, and says that he feels alone because he's the only one awake. We have sex 3 or 4 times a week - it's not like I climb into bed and fall straight asleep and he's left feeling sexually frustrated. He's just bored and wants to be asleep, and I guess on the nights we haven't had sex masturbating helps him fall asleep. A few weeks ago I discovered that he'd been looking up sex scenes from R-rated movies late at night, in our bed, while I was asleep beside him. Can any man out there tell me anything at all that can make this easier for him?

PART of the solution involves cutting off easy access to inapropriate material. Put a content rating password on your cable/satellite box so that he can't view R rated movies without you. I say part of the solution because there's no way to completely stop a determined person from finding inappropriate content. But if it's harder or takes more steps to get there, there's a greater chance that at some point in the chain he'll say to himself " wait a minute, do I really want to do this".

 

[JanniGirl]

To each their own on the accountability partner issue. I'm not sure how a wife is REALLY going to overcome hurt and anger regarding her husband continuing to commit adultery through inappropriate content use. In fact, I would think it rather odd, if a LOVING wife wasn't hurt and angered by this behavior. Just my two cents. I also would think it odd, btw, if a husband wasn't hurt and angered by his wife cheating on him on an on-going basis. For the relationship to really heal, the activity does have to stop.

Otherwise, over time, all you have is either a wife looking the other way while her husband continues to sin (and I think that doing so over the long-term is a sin on the wife's part -- allowing your spouse to continue a sinful lifestyle because you don't want to address it is cowardly, imo) or a wife being continually abused by her husband's infidelities (hurt/angered). Neither scenario makes for the marriage that God would have us in.

And, once again (because I know this will be ridiculously brought up) -- I have yet to meet a wife in this situation who demanded an immediate stop and then who followed through with divorce after the first "slip". Do you actually know of even 1?

 

[JaneFW]

No, it didn't work for me for my husband to tell me that he was having dreams about using inappropriate content, or that he felt compelled to go back to the computer, and it didn't help at all when he slipped - and then lied about his slip (I knew the truth exactly) - when lying had been a fundamental and huge part of the betrayal.

I would say to find an accountability partner with a person of the same sex who has a lot of years of 'sobriety' under their belt. That way, if you both are newly sober, you won't pull each other down by reminiscing about inappropriate content use or other sexual behavior. That does happen with all kinds of addiction.

 

[chaz345]

To each their own on the accountability partner issue. I'm not sure how a wife is REALLY going to overcome hurt and anger regarding her husband continuing to commit adultery through inappropriate content use. In fact, I would think it rather odd, if a LOVING wife wasn't hurt and angered by this behavior. Just my two cents. I also would think it odd, btw, if a husband wasn't hurt and angered by his wife cheating on him on an on-going basis. For the relationship to really heal, the activity does have to stop.

Otherwise, over time, all you have is either a wife looking the other way while her husband continues to sin (and I think that doing so over the long-term is a sin on the wife's part -- allowing your spouse to continue a sinful lifestyle because you don't want to address it is cowardly, imo) or a wife being continually abused by her husband's infidelities (hurt/angered). Neither scenario makes for the marriage that God would have us in.

And, once again (because I know this will be ridiculously brought up) -- I have yet to meet a wife in this situation who demanded an immediate stop and then who followed through with divorce after the first "slip". Do you actually know of even 1?

I've never said that a wife shouldn't be angry or hurt. I've said that she shouldn't let that anger or hurt drive her entire response to the situation.

In terms of a wife who demands an immediate stop, and threatens divorce over just one slip, no I've not seen a case where it's actually happened. I have however seen examples of advice to that effect given here. And given the hurt and anger involved, I can definitely see it being taken in the heat of the moment.

On the accountability partner issue, I agree. I'm just saying that in several cases I've seen, and based on what the author of the book my accountability group says, very often women think they want to be the main accountability partner but then realize that it's not something they can do. That while they want to know about actual relapses, hearing the gory details of each and every temptation he faces, which disclosing to one's accountability partner is part of the process at the beginning, is just too much for her to deal with. Again to be be clear, I'm not suggesting keeping anything from her, I'm saying that she needs to be the one to dictate the level of information/detail that she gets.