Overcoming inappropriate contentographic Activity and Addiction-Couples Support and Recovery Thread

[chaz345]

No, it didn't work for me for my husband to tell me that he was having dreams about using inappropriate content, or that he felt compelled to go back to the computer, and it didn't help at all when he slipped - and then lied about his slip (I knew the truth exactly) - when lying had been a fundamental and huge part of the betrayal.

I would say to find an accountability partner with a person of the same sex who has a lot of years of 'sobriety' under their belt. That way, if you both are newly sober, you won't pull each other down by reminiscing about inappropriate content use or other sexual behavior. That does happen with all kinds of addiction.

Ideally a long "sober" accountability partner, and one who is at a similar point of recovery, and then as he progresses someone who is maybe just starting out on recovery is the best possible situation. That way he gets the encouragement and if needed confrontation from someone who is clean, has someone who knows exactly what he's going through at the moment and later has someone who he is helping too since part of complete recovery is often helping others recover.

 

[JaneFW]

I just don't agree. I relate to my own experience with alcohol. When I had an internet accountability partner for a time, when she slipped, it definitely weakened my resolve and, let's face it, most addicts (for a time anyway) are just about looking for an excuse to slip. So, I did end up drinking again, as did she, and we kind of went round and round like that. It was terribly unhealthy.

Whereas I feel that, now, after all this time, I could help someone who was newly sober - not that I'm qualified as an addiction counselor, but if someone who just wanted to talk to another person who had some time of sobriety - without my being in danger of a slip. I think I could be someone's mentor, except I'm not in AA or anything so that's not going to happen! But back then - uh uh.

But I'm not all addicts either.

 

[peckaboo]

This might be terribly obtuse on my part, but it had never occurred to me that an accountability should/could be someone who had struggled with the same issue themselves. I could not be my husband's primary accountability partner. I want to know the acts - if he's used inappropriate content, and what 'degree' it was (I know some people maintain that 'inappropriate content is inappropriate content is inappropriate content' regardless of how much or how little it shows, and to an extent I agree in that it's all wrong, but I want to know whether the addiction is escalating. If, suddenly, what he had been viewing was too 'tame' for him and he needed something, uh... 'kinkier', I'd consider than an escalation in the nature of the addiction.) I don't want a graphic description of what the actors looked like, or a play-by-play account of what they did. I also don't want to know everything my husband felt or thought while he was viewing it. That's too much; I would destroy myself imagining it. Maybe some wives can cope with that, though. Anyway, I digress...

Those of you who have BTDT, how useful did you find it to have an accountability partner who had once been in your shoes but had been 'clean' for a long time?

 

[peckaboo]

Whenever I felt sad or depressed I would talk to my wife about why I am feeling the way that I do and then we talk and sometimes pray. If my wife is not around I come to this site or read the Bible.

Sometimes I even just do a Google search for what is upsetting me and read how other people are dealing with it.

If your husband is tempted when he cant fall asleep, try an over the counter sleeping pill. It worked for me

Thanks for these suggestions

 

[chaz345]

This might be terribly obtuse on my part, but it had never occurred to me that an accountability should/could be someone who had struggled with the same issue themselves. I could not be my husband's primary accountability partner. I want to know the acts - if he's used inappropriate content, and what 'degree' it was (I know some people maintain that 'inappropriate content is inappropriate content is inappropriate content' regardless of how much or how little it shows, and to an extent I agree in that it's all wrong, but I want to know whether the addiction is escalating. If, suddenly, what he had been viewing was too 'tame' for him and he needed something, uh... 'kinkier', I'd consider than an escalation in the nature of the addiction.) I don't want a graphic description of what the actors looked like, or a play-by-play account of what they did. I also don't want to know everything my husband felt or thought while he was viewing it. That's too much; I would destroy myself imagining it. Maybe some wives can cope with that, though. Anyway, I digress...

Those of you who have BTDT, how useful did you find it to have an accountability partner who had once been in your shoes but had been 'clean' for a long time?

For me I found that having multiple accountability partners in various stages of the process was most useful. But given the unique nature of this particular addiction, having someone who has been through it themself as an accountability partner is IMO, absolutely critical. I'm not suggesting that it's completely unlike any other addiction, there are certainly similarities between all addictions, but there's enough unique about this one that makes experience with it critical in being an accountability partner. The one key difference is in the degree to which you can completely shut down the behavior. I mean with alcohol or drugs or smoking, it's entirely appropriate and healthy to never touch the stuff ever again. With inappropriate content, it's not exactly healthy to completely never again get anywhere near sex ever again. Not that inappropriate content is sex but they are, in obvious ways related.

In terms of the accountability partner's role, it's not like we're supposed to talk in detail about the inappropriate content and what the actors were doing and all that. The part of it that I'm saying the wife may not want to be exposed to regularly is the discussion of the constant temptations. Talking about those and what's going on in his mind at the time, even when he chooses not to act out, is critical in understanding his triggers and how to program different responses to them. And dealing with a daily barrage of that sort of stuff is not something that many women really want to do.

 

[JaneFW]

This might be terribly obtuse on my part, but it had never occurred to me that an accountability should/could be someone who had struggled with the same issue themselves. I could not be my husband's primary accountability partner. I want to know the acts - if he's used inappropriate content, and what 'degree' it was (I know some people maintain that 'inappropriate content is inappropriate content is inappropriate content' regardless of how much or how little it shows, and to an extent I agree in that it's all wrong, but I want to know whether the addiction is escalating. If, suddenly, what he had been viewing was too 'tame' for him and he needed something, uh... 'kinkier', I'd consider than an escalation in the nature of the addiction.) I don't want a graphic description of what the actors looked like, or a play-by-play account of what they did. I also don't want to know everything my husband felt or thought while he was viewing it. That's too much; I would destroy myself imagining it. Maybe some wives can cope with that, though. Anyway, I digress...

I don't think that you are absolutely prevented from being his accountability partner, I just think that although you want to know right know what he's doing - after a time, you will end up viewing your husband differently.

Let me try and say it this way - we all say yes, we all sin, we know we all sin, we're none of us perfect, etc. BUT to actually know a person's real sin, and especially when it's sexual which is so at the heart of the marriage and so personal to you and your husband, then it can color the way that you perceive him in the future. I know you love your husband, and you think you can bear it for his sake, but some things - you really don't want to bear, and I think that even 'the acts' is one of them. I can only say that I wish there were some things I did not know. You think that information is crucial. Um, no, it's not. But that could be just me. I just don't want you to look up in 2 years, and your h is no longer addicted to inappropriate content, but your love for him has changed. I will be honest and say that my love for my husband, and my trust and faith in him were damaged hugely by knowing what his thought processes were, and knowing the details of his interactions with women online.

 

[JanniGirl]

But knowing that he's doing "stuff" but not knowing what that stuff is .... that doesn't harm the relationship or your love for your husband? (honest question)

Personally, I'd rather know. Part of the indignity of the situation for me is being lied to and being kept in the dark. I don't want to have sex with a man who's cheating on me or who is fantasizing about having sex with someone else while we're intimate. I don't want to be intimate with someone who's just come off a weekend (or day or hour) of looking at inappropriate content. For me, knowledge is power.

I don't generally ask for details beyond cursory items. I don't want to know who, but I sometimes want to know minimal content.

And, yes, I am prepared to divorce my husband, if I feel I don't want to endure this anymore.

 

[JaneFW]

But knowing that he's doing "stuff" but not knowing what that stuff is .... that doesn't harm the relationship or your love for your husband? (honest question)

Personally, I'd rather know. Part of the indignity of the situation for me is being lied to and being kept in the dark. I don't want to have sex with a man who's cheating on me or who is fantasizing about having sex with someone else while we're intimate. I don't want to be intimate with someone who's just come off a weekend (or day or hour) of looking at inappropriate content. For me, knowledge is power.

I don't generally ask for details beyond cursory items. I don't want to know who, but I sometimes want to know minimal content.

And, yes, I am prepared to divorce my husband, if I feel I don't want to endure this anymore.

But I do know. I know more than is good for our marriage. I know every word that he said to other women. It's lodged in my memory. I saw the images that he saw.

True, if he was cheating, I would want to know. Because that would be game over. I know the code for his cell phone and I check it periodically. I don't read anything to any family members. I don't want to know his every conversation with his mom, his sister, his dad. But if he is talking to women again - that I DO want to know, yes. That would be a problem.

 

[chaz345]

But knowing that he's doing "stuff" but not knowing what that stuff is .... that doesn't harm the relationship or your love for your husband? (honest question)

Personally, I'd rather know. Part of the indignity of the situation for me is being lied to and being kept in the dark. I don't want to have sex with a man who's cheating on me or who is fantasizing about having sex with someone else while we're intimate. I don't want to be intimate with someone who's just come off a weekend (or day or hour) of looking at inappropriate content. For me, knowledge is power.

I don't generally ask for details beyond cursory items. I don't want to know who, but I sometimes want to know minimal content.

And, yes, I am prepared to divorce my husband, if I feel I don't want to endure this anymore.

But discussing details, of a sucessfully resisted temptation and of actual relapses is a necessary part of the recovery process. And your not wanting details is exactly why I say it's not usually a good idea for the wife to be the PRIMARY accountability partner. Should the guy be accountable to his wife with regards to his inappropriate content use and bumps and falls in the recovery process? Absolutely. All I'm saying is that it's rare that it works out well for her to be his main primary accountability partner for the nuts and bolts of the recovery.

There's a difference between knowing and dealing daily with each and every detail.

 

[chaz345]

I don't think that you are absolutely prevented from being his accountability partner, I just think that although you want to know right know what he's doing - after a time, you will end up viewing your husband differently.

Let me try and say it this way - we all say yes, we all sin, we know we all sin, we're none of us perfect, etc. BUT to actually know a person's real sin, and especially when it's sexual which is so at the heart of the marriage and so personal to you and your husband, then it can color the way that you perceive him in the future. I know you love your husband, and you think you can bear it for his sake, but some things - you really don't want to bear, and I think that even 'the acts' is one of them. I can only say that I wish there were some things I did not know. You think that information is crucial. Um, no, it's not. But that could be just me. I just don't want you to look up in 2 years, and your h is no longer addicted to inappropriate content, but your love for him has changed. I will be honest and say that my love for my husband, and my trust and faith in him were damaged hugely by knowing what his thought processes were, and knowing the details of his interactions with women online.

Yes this is pretty much what I'm getting at.

 

[JanniGirl]

But discussing details, of a sucessfully resisted temptation and of actual relapses is a necessary part of the recovery process. And your not wanting details is exactly why I say it's not usually a good idea for the wife to be the PRIMARY accountability partner. Should the guy be accountable to his wife with regards to his inappropriate content use and bumps and falls in the recovery process? Absolutely. All I'm saying is that it's rare that it works out well for her to be his main primary accountability partner for the nuts and bolts of the recovery.

There's a difference between knowing and dealing daily with each and every detail.

I don't think my husband is telling every last detail to his accountability group. I'd think that hearing the gory details of exactly what he was looking at (or thinking of looking at) and just what he was doing to himself is going to be helpful for anyone to know (least of all, fellow addicts). Chaz -- did you (or do you) go in to the minute details of what you are tempted by or to do, with your accountability partner?

I just can't imagine my husband being comfortable telling anyone exactly what he was thinking about and doing -- and how is it helpful to do so?

 

[chaz345]

I don't think my husband is telling every last detail to his accountability group. I'd think that hearing the gory details of exactly what he was looking at (or thinking of looking at) and just what he was doing to himself is going to be helpful for anyone to know (least of all, fellow addicts). Chaz -- did you (or do you) go in to the minute details of what you are tempted by or to do, with your accountability partner?

I just can't imagine my husband being comfortable telling anyone exactly what he was thinking about and doing -- and how is it helpful to do so?

Maybe not each and every last detail of every single thought no, but a "post mortem" of sorts on every or most every temptation is, IMO, critical especially in the early stages. It's important because it's in recognizing the steps from initial temptation, to lusting to acting out that one begins to understand and is able to make different choices. So I'm not talking about the minute details of what he was looking at specifically, I agree that those details could very easily cause others to stumble. In fact it's the presence of those sorts of details in Every Man's Battle that I have issue with. But the details of the thought/action process from the initial temptation( what was I doing, what was my mood, what else was going on) to the eventual acting out need to be examined and understood. Looking deeply at the stimulus/response mechanism is critical because to a large degree the whole thing becomes conditioned to the point where you are not really consiously thinking and making choices as much as you are following a habit or programmed response. No I'm not trying to lessen responsibiliuty, I'm just saying that the actions, over time, become automatic and understanding them by digging into the details is the only way to stop them.