Opinion: How long to heal?

[iambren]

It actually sounds as though you are close to "being healed". I believe that once feelings are kind of neutral--you don't hate, but you also don't have that strong desire to be with that person anymore--then it is all healed. You can wish them well, you still want what is best for them, but you realize you have tried & it just didn't work for you as a couple. Once you have loved someone, you will never NOT love them anymore. It is just that love changes as the relationship has changed. That love will never go away; and that is good, because you have children together, so you will always be in eachother's lives.

I keep asking you personal questions, but I am just kind of baffled by her behavior (as I know YOU really are). What was her response when you said those things the other night? (If that is too personal, please don't feel you need to answer me).

No, feel free to ask away; she doesn't fit in any textbook. The only medical guess is a form of schizoid--she has NO need for sex or intimacy. But she stays in a pretty tight social circle and keeps the conversation from being deep. Other women have noticed that about her.

How she responded? She said nothing, turning back to a computer screen. Sometime before she'll mumble in a low voice. Other times she raises her voice in anger, "we've talked about this before", her anger fills the room as I speak normally with her. Over the years this has reoccurred because in marriage obviously I wanted sex so the issue wouldn't resolve eg she says she loves me, in therapy she said she likes sex, is attracted to me, and would like to have sex 2X a week. It is nuts! For a guy that tries to live in a world of logic it's exasperrating!!!

 

[eatenbylocusts]

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Iambren, you don't have to answer me, I guess it is more "food for thought", but what makes you feel that your issues cannot be resolved?

No one, no one can discern HER issues so creates an impasse.

You're not actually saying that counselors or whoever have talked to her haven't figured out these problems are related to her child sexual abuse? C'mon, that's a no-brainer.

 

[JohnDB]

You're not actually saying that counselors or whoever have talked to her haven't figured out these problems are related to her child sexual abuse? C'mon, that's a no-brainer.

It might not be sexual abuse...it could have been neglect...but it was abuse of some form to cause such a calousness in her dealings with him.

And he is correct in stating that it is her issues. It takes two to honestly deal with issues instead of "I got no issues it is all their fault" attitude when going to marriage counciling.

I was kinda surprised when I did go to marriage counciling with my first wife and he actually promoted that idea...making me think that it was all her for the first time. And indeed with this second marriage things are much different than they were the first time I was married...but I would say that I am an exception to the rule and not the rule itself. And the OP in this case may also be an exception. We don't know for sure...we only get his side.

 

[visionary]

I dated my wife for 5 years ,married 15 years, two children around age 10.

What is your average time-estimate to be emotionally healed from this spouse after divorce?

How about after 5 years, 10 years, 25 years?

Lots of questions..

On a scale of 1-10

Was it a surprise regarding the divorce?
Yes 10....
in denial that it was leading in this direction 9
kind knew.. 8...
and all that is in between
right on down to it had been seriously considered for years.. 1

How estranged were you from your wife at the time of the divorce?

she was not emotionally attached to me at all.. 10
we were just doing our thing and it was great.. 9
we had our troubles but nothing big... 8
all the way down to
we lived in separately for years.. 1

How close were you in your heart?
You would have done anything to win her heart and keep her .. 10
You figured that it will keep going the way it had been.. 9
She made fuss but no biggy.. 8
all the way to
We hadn't meanfully spoken in a long time.. 1


How actively involved were you in your marriage?
Looked forward to being with her.. 10
It was comfortable for you.. 9
etc
She kept the home and I worked to support it.. 1

Each of these factors play a role in how emotionally attached you were to the marriage, and how long it is going to take you to get over it. There are of course many more factors to take into consideration.

But since it is too little too late.. must move on.... You will need time to re-organize your heart and mind. Everything can not relate to her anymore. The sooner you start creating a new life in which she is not an active thought involved in it, the better off you are. She is not the excuse for your new life behavior. Remember that... SHe is not, and I do mean, NOT the excuse for your new life behavior or attitude towards the people you meet, or will meet.. DO not project your thoughts about your emtional injuries onto every new woman you meet. NO two women are a like, nor do they think or behave the same. This is a new life.. treat it as such.

 

[iambren]

"You're not actually saying that counselors or whoever have talked to her haven't figured out these problems are related to her child sexual abuse? C'mon, that's a no-brainer. "

Yes,I'm saying that all those people haven't figured her out. How do you dissect the soul of one who after marriage quits touching,kissing,and making love? Did she trick me into marriage? Did her incident as a preschooler being molested do it? Neglect do it? Asexual heredity? Spiritual bondage? Resentments toward me?
God knows, but who on earth can discern?