Opening presents ... with the ex

[AirForceTeacher]

Wow, I'm surprised this is even a question, but maybe I'm just completely wrong. My ex and I have 4 kids. She is still dating/not dating the guy I suspect she was seeing when she asked for the divorce, and I absolutely cannot stand to be in the room with him. I'm also seeing someone myself, someone I met a few months back.

My ex thinks I'm being unreasonable because I don't want to open presents all together - with her bf there. So, I'm opening presents from my and my family, plus my gf at my house tonite, then tomorrow morning taking the kids back to her house (our old one) and the kids are opening the gifts to each other with just the two parents and grandma. Then tomorrow nite, the kids are opening gifts at here house from her and I assume her bf.

The kids think this is crazy, but I just can't stomach being in the same room with him for a family event when to me in my heart, it feels like he is part of thet last crack in our marriage. Worse, it creeps my gf out that we will all be together in our old house opening presents as a family tomorrow morning.

Any thoughts? After divorce, what did you do with your kids for Christmas - open together, or have separate "opening parties"?

Bueller?

 

[Flibbertigibbet]

I'm with your gf on this one - it creeps me out.

I would not have even considered spending Christmas together - fortunately, the idea was never brought up so I didn't have to be rude.

For me, it would be nuts to pretend to be a whole family unit for that one event, then let's all troop back to our respective new lives and new playmates. JMO

 

[Ladielissa]

I'm with your gf on this one - it creeps me out.

I would not have even considered spending Christmas together - fortunately, the idea was never brought up so I didn't have to be rude.

For me, it would be nuts to pretend to be a whole family unit for that one event, then let's all troop back to our respective new lives and new playmates. JMO

THANKS

 

[FaithfulWife]

Oh this is disloyal spouse craziness if ever I heard it! Oh seriously I am rolling on the floor laughing over here. They will go to ANY LENGTHS to blame what is absolutely destructive and sinful on anyone but themselves.

AFT, don't fall for this, seriously. See, the kids would be opening their presents with their mom AND their dad if their mom had not put her selfish desires ahead of hurting her own children. If they are hurt by not having mom and dad together on Christmas, then that is the consequence of HER CHOICE to run off with another man and destroy her family!!

When she walks out and chooses another man, part of the natural consequence of choosing that is that SHE has to sit down and look her children in the eye and see the hurt, because you are standing for your family and won't let her "boyfriend" around when you open presents.

Part of the natural consequence of choosing another man is that she doesn't get the "family togetherness" of being with her kids some of the time when they open some of their presents. Part of the natural consequence is that she looses you being "civil" to the man who broke up your family--and by the way I'm not saying you can assault the man.

Do you see what I mean? SHE chose to leave. SHE is the one choosing to miss out and hurt her kids and not behave civilly and not be able to be around ... because SHE is choosing someone else.

No--don't even CONSIDER "...taking the kids back to her house (our old one) and the kids are opening the gifts to each other..." with both you and her present. Just say "no." Seriously. Let her complain and make you the bad guy all she wants because you and I know none of it is true. If it gets out of hand just say, "If you seriously want to be together with the kids are opening their presents, all you had to do was return to the family and the husband who loved you. You chose this, not me, so don't make me the bad guy for allowing you to experience the consequences of a choice you forced upon us."

 

[AirForceTeacher]

My kids were the ones wanting all of us (me, my gf, my ex and her bf, and the kids and grandma) all together opening together. they sincerely believe her when she says that her and him were just friends before she asked for the divorce. They know I dn't like her bf, but think that's just dad being childish ad unreasonable. it'snot a cut and dried "mom ran off with that guy." We were having trouble, and she met him and started hanging out, then got mad whe I was jealous and aedherto stop. A week after we separated, she was dating him openly. I can't believe that NOTHING was going on, but I can't prove that anything beyond an inappropriately close friendship was happening.

I ended up goin over to open presents thismorning, and it was not the "cozy" thing my gf was creeped out about at all. It was raher the most uncomfortable feeing I could imagine during opening Christmas presents. I don't want to make this a habit, butit's hard to explan that to the kids when they see nothing wrng-their grandma and grandpa came to every Chrstmas despite beng divorced for years by that point. of course, neither of them dated anyone, so it wasn't quite the same.

THIS SUCKS!

 

[Flibbertigibbet]

I think it just makes things more confusing for the kids. We aren't one big happy family any longer - and why pretend to be for Christmas? The reality is, we are divorced and we live (and regularly spend time with our children) in separate places.

 

[hope4today]

I'm sorry it was so tough for you AFT. Each family seems to have their own moments of pain and awkwardness to work through. With my ex and I, we have always done presents seperately for christmas.... no joint gifts. The girls are with me Christmas morning and he comes by to give them their gifts and then later we pop in at his family's house for a family gathering - all without 'her'. The difference is that 2 of my 3 won't have anything to do with his partner ( the one he left for but insists he didn't ....you know the story....but they see through it). I can only imagine how hard it must be if they don't understand that.
Yesterday (christmas day) was different this year. We had christmas lunch with his family (they still love me and want me there) and his 'now fiance' was there too. It was the first time I had met her and also the first time my eldest daughter had met her too. It was bearable but very very hard and I came home and ended up crying myself to sleep.....(after almost 4 years and thinking I was past all that). I truly don't want him back anymore but watching the man I had covenanted my life to and he to me, and the man I had spent 20 yrs with, in my face with another woman still hurts. All that to say that I don't think I will agree to that again. Even though my children want me to be there and are indignant that I shouldn't let her push me out, I think I am going to have to tell them that 'I' am choosing not to do that to myself anymore.They are able to go to his family functions without me now. His family don't want me to stop coming but I don't think they can truly grasp what it is like to see them together. They haven't been through anything like this before. It is just another consequence of his leaving.

I pray that God will help you to find a way to help your children understand, or at least accept, that you are choosing not to be with their mother and her bf. That God will give you personal wisdom for your family and children to explain that it is not the same as their grandparents in simple ways that they can understand. We try to do things to make it easier for our children but there are some consequences they just have to feel. We can only support them through it.

Sadly, even in the midst of healing, the pain and consequences of divorce continue in many ways and I believe that is one reason God says he hates divorces. He hates to see his children suffer in the ways broken covenant causes.

Bless you AFT. May you have the wisdom, grace and strength of Christ as you work through these things.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Thank you, h4t.

 

[FaithfulWife]

AFT,

I wanted to somewhat re-iterate what hope4today said...I know that negotiating through the ins and outs of an unwanted divorce is so confusing and so painful, and I didn't want it to sound like I was being cranky. Don't you wish there was a "Divorce Etiquette" book somewhere?

As a suggestion or example, in our family my ex was the disloyal one and I stayed in our family home and he moved out. From the kid's point of view, this gave them a consistent message that if you choose to leave your family, the FAMILY stays put and the leaving one is the one who moves. He also wanted to try to the "all open presents together" method and I said no, that he was welcome to open together when we actually WERE together but otherwise we could plan separate events. Then he decided to outspend me whilst also not paying child support--but the kids saw through that a little too. I just told them to enjoy the stuff they got out of it!

Anyway, my ex and I had a situation like Christmas Eve and half of Christmas Day with one parent...and the other half of Christmas Day and day after Christmas with the other parent. I would think some folks might do Christmas Eve at mom's/Christmas all day at dad's...or even years at mom's and odd years at dad's.

Now, dear AFT, I hope you can see why it was that we told you to speak to the kids as it was occurring and why we suggested you stay in your marital home and have HER leave. It's not because of punishing her or being vengeful or ANY of that...not even close! It's because later on, down the road like this, it is confusing to the kids. They love their mom and want to believe she's a good person, so if she says the Other Guy was not a BF then they want to believe her--whereas you and I both know that you don't meet someone "magically" within a week of separating from your ex. So the advice is not so much to be mean or to make you the bad guy, as it is for "years down the road" it's setting you up for a consistent message throughout--and the consistent message is: Spouses don't leave each other; children are kept stable and consistent; if a spouse does leave they do they pay a price; etc. Make sense?

Alrighty--so now you have a whole year to get ready for next Christmas. Next up.... New Years Eve!

 

[JohnDB]

Here is what...I know that I ain't you and you ain't me...and both our ex spouses are a little whacked in the noggin...

I will not step foot into her apartment...ever.

Nor will I allow her into mine.

Children will entertain fantasies of the two of you getting back together again...opening presents all together only feeds such notions. It isn't healthy. Divorce sucks...but what your ex wants is worse.

You must put your children first. What they think and feel is the most important thing...moreso than a GF or a BF.

If I were you...I would keep a diary of the things that your children do and say...and what your EX does and says...keep it detailed...it might come in handy one day...and likely will.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Now, dear AFT, I hope you can see why it was that we told you to speak to the kids as it was occurring and why we suggested you stay in your marital home and have HER leave. It's not because of punishing her or being vengeful or ANY of that...not even close! It's because later on, down the road like this, it is confusing to the kids. They love their mom and want to believe she's a good person, so if she says the Other Guy was not a BF then they want to believe her--whereas you and I both know that you don't meet someone "magically" within a week of separating from your ex.

That as never going to happen - I suggested it and she said that if she moved out, the kids moved with her. Had I refused to move out, she would have called the sheriff, or moved out with the kids into a terrible - she told me to my face that she would move wherever she could afford, and how it affected the kids was on my head. In retrospect I may have been wrong, but I chose what at the time felt good for my kids - any good I would have done by making the "right" choice would have been more than overshadowed by what she chose.

 

[ShainaBrina]

When I was first divorced I allowed my ex to come be with us on Christmas morning. I didn't want to, but the kids really, really wanted him and I was trying to do the best thing for the children. It was not an enjoyable time for me, but I believed the kids needing to feel the security that Daddy was still going to be part of their lives.

Was it the right thing to do? I don't know... it didn't harm them and may have helped.
They do say it is better for the children when the ex-spouses can be friends and put their needs first. Something their father could always depend on me doing. He however continued to put himself first just like he did in the marriage. I should expect more?

 

[ido]

I know this is well past, but wanted to comment anyway. I read an article in a local parenting magazine just before Christmas that said it is in the best interest of the children to keep holidays separate from the get-go. The reason they gave was that, while it might work while neither parent has an SO, it will get awkward once one or both of them do. The new SO typically does not want to have to interact with the other parent on a holiday. It can leave both the SO and the other parent feeling like an outsider - and no matter how well they hide it, the tension will still be there and the kids will eventually notice it.

The first time I was put face to face with my ex-husband's SO was not a holiday, but when our oldest son was hospitalized in Sept 2006. He brought her along to "help with the driving" (he lives less than 2 hours away) and spent most of the two days he was there cuddling with her and trading back rubs in the corner in between taking walks around the hospital. I really could have done without that nonsense.

I tried being nice and inviting them to the oldest son's birthday party 2 years ago, b/c it was what he wanted. They sat apart from everyone else and didn't even really interact with the boys during the party. It was very awkward and would have been better if they would have declined.

We've only had one or two other situations where we've all been together. But, I have a hard time watching him fawn all over someone else the way he used to over me - boy do those words seem empty when I hear him say them to her, too. She doesn't seem too overjoyed about having to be around me, either.

So, we do everything separately now. My older son wishes it could be different but is learning to accept that it is what it is. I think he cares more about having his older brother there than his dad, though. He looks up to him.

 

[FaithfulWife]

flnativegirl said it so much better than I could!

Perfectly said!