One Month, no substances, ok.

[TheMainException]

I've been having a rough time with things, just having winter coming and getting depressed whenever I have a few drinks. In order to properly look at my mental state and discover what's going on with my depression, if it is even depression I'm dealing with, I'm stopping all substances for one month. I won't take even my ambien. I need to reevaluate where I'm at in terms of emotions and my mental being. I've begun to show signs of depression that are moving very quickly to full blown, serious issue depression since I've already begun to gain serious weight, sleeping more but being unable to fall asleep or stay asleep well, feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness, and a general inability to get myself to do anything.

And I know that my symptoms could stem from more than just clinical depression caused by a chemical imbalance but from a serious number of other things. So, this needs to get done so I can have a starting, flat ground to understand my current symptoms from.

 

[coley10604]

I think avoiding substances for a month to see if that helps with your depression is a good idea. One caveat- have you talked to your doctor about stopping your Ambien? I would reccommend doing that, because suddenly stopping prescribed meds can also lead to some undesired side effects. Other than that, all I can say is best of luck to you!
I'm a recovering alcoholic, and I've struggled with clinical depression since I was 14, so I know how painful it can be. Alcohol is a depressant, so stopping drinking is a good step toward alleviating your depression. Good luck.

 

[madison1101]

Congratulations on setting a goal of a month chemical free. I do agree that discussing it with a doctor might be helpful, because of the addictive effects of Ambien.

Some other suggestions include, increasing exercise, decreasing refined carbohydrates, and starting meditation in some form. I sometimes recite a verse of scripture for a few minutes.

God bless your desire to get clean.

Hugs,
Trish

 

[TheMainException]

Thanks for the tips guys. I've not actually been taking ambien every night, it's an as needed thing and I usually don't take it anymore than once a week, but lately I haven't even been using it as prescribed, so I figure, it's time to just knock that off. Since I'm trying to lose weight, I've been biking at least 30 minutes a couple times a week, I'm planning on upping that as I start to feel better (and try to feel better), and I've been eating much fewer junk. I got rid of all the bad foods in my place and am eating much more veggies and drinking water only. As far as meditation goes, I could always use more of that. It's really hard for me to do, but I know how beneficial it is. And since it is so hard for me, it probably means I need it quite a bit. It'll probably be easier if I recite a bible verse instead of trying something more traditional Buddhist-like.

 

[Christos Anesti]

If you are taking anti-depressants you should definitely talk to your doctor before you stop taking them. Not sure if you are just letting you know. If you have taken them for a long time you can be in for a very rough ride if you stop taking them all at once.

 

[TheMainException]

No, I'm not currently taking any anti depressants, I'm actually getting on some. I went to the doctor and got a script for some prozac. I stopped taking them two years ago and I have felt pretty good until now. Before that, I was on them for about 3 years.

 

[Mayflower1]

Hi mainexception! still praying for you!

 

[BobW188]

Is Nin still around? Or that church (if that's a good way to describe it) you found last spring? Can you navigate the AA/NA maze you've described in your locale and get set up with some rides and some meetings?
We'll do the best we can for you; but the more support you have in place the better. There are going to be times when the phone (voice, not text) and face-to-face will be a lot better than a keyboard.
God be with you - is with you. Go for it!

 

[TheMainException]

NiN is still around...he's really part of why I'm doing this in the first place...and I'm going back to church as well. I hadn't been going for a while and I've been partying a bit too much. I'm starting to have sleeping problems again too. AA meetings are just too hard to get to right now still, but they aren't out of the question anymore since I've been to one. NiN has told me to call him up and he'll come right over since he's only five minutes away from me...so I'll def be calling him if I start feeling like I'm drowning and need a hand to pull me up from the waters before I do start to drown in a bottle or just get way too depressed.

 

[TheMainException]

Alright...sobriety started yesterday. Thursday night went poorly. I took my ambien...lost it, and started drinking straight from the bottle (I NEVER do that). I had a two hour conversation with a stranger via text...called a friend to come over, and blacked out for two hours. I might have died or something without the friend. God is watching over me, I know it. When I woke up friday morning, I remembered where I left off and the little bit that flashed through the black out and was really mad. I dumped my alcohol (FINALLY! I had this thing about waiting til it was gone to start the month, what a lame idea). Last night I hung out with a bunch of christians that my friend NiN knows and we played games and watched a movie and fellowshipped. NiN got me to go back to counseling and the counselor gave me the number to a drug and alcohol counseling center. I called them and had them check out my insurance for me. They said originally that most insurances don't pay the 100 dollar evaluation fee. That really bummed me out...I wouldn't be able to come up with that kind of money for at least two or three weeks and the semester would be almost over by that time so then I'd have to wait until january to go there...but then they called me back yesterday and said that it would be absolutely free! My insurance is covering it all, no copay, no deductibles, NOTHING!! God's made a way...and NiN is going to take me to all my appointments. I'm calling them back on monday to get appointments set up.

 

[BobW188]

With you all the way.

 

[RuthD]

Best wishes to you. God bless you!

 

[TheMainException]

Another friend of mine came over yesterday and we talked over plans and accountability. Then, when we got back to my room he asked me if I had anything left I needed to give him. I still had a few things stashed (drugs) that I wasn't going to do, but felt a need to hang onto (I had a whole series of lies just hanging onto every part of my mind for why I wouldn't give it up). I just kept telling him every lie, every time he came up with a new reason why I shouldn't keep it, I threw another one at him. He kept talking and I finally, inside myself just screamed and screamed and screamed to shut up all the lies that whispered from every corner of my skull. In that silence, I felt horribly angry, ready to hurt my friend. I opened the drawer, got out the bag of leaves, handed it to him. I unlocked my bag, got out that bag of buds and handed it to him. Then I sat in angry silence and couldn't even look at him. I had given him everything by my own agreement...but I was still ready to tear his throat out. After a while, he asked me if I wanted to pray and I just nodded because I was afraid if I spoke it wouldn't be my voice but pure anger. We prayed and I felt the anger lift...and not just lift, but be replaced with peace, happiness. It didn't hurt anymore. I was okay with giving it up. I'm still kinda shocked, but it's God...so why should I expect any less?

And last night, I got back to house church for the first time in two months. And it was good...I felt genuine happiness and not the sour grossness that was what I called "happiness" that poured from every bottle and burned from every joint and cigarette.

It's an amazing start...and I know I shouldn't fear the hard steps I have to take, but I do. I don't want to mess it up. But everywhere I turn...I've got people riding the waves with me. I've got more people surrounding me and holding me up than ever before...people who honestly want to see me get better and see me through this. I've never felt so loved, so supported. I'm making plans to be in contact with Z every other day by text and to see him once a week. NiN will be taking me to my weekly appointments at the drug and alcohol center. Jay is sticking by me quite a bit more than in the past and we are eating meals together a couple times a week. He's helping me regain my lost past (and asking so many of the right questions!!!). I've got counseling at the health center once a week too. I'm going back to house church every week and making sure that the people who I've been hanging with and drinking with realize I'm not doing substances anymore and asking them to respect that. I'm having trouble with the one friend as he thinks it's totally normal to get wasted, throw up and stumble around once a week for four years. I really think that he's merely trying to validate his own drinking by my drinking. If I'm drinking a lot, then it's okay for him to drink the amount that he does. We both have our problems, but now I think it's time for me to start showing him how to go about getting help.

 

[BobW188]

It's those friends that will see you through, gal. I know all about that fear you're talking about. All of us regulars do and, probably, all the newer posters I see here. You may well find fear is an almost constant companion; but you can beat it as long as it isn't the only one.
Do your best to follow your counsellor's advice unquestioningly and uncritically. If you're not familiar with the term, ask her about "regressive pull." Satan is going to do all he can to pull you back to old habits, old ways of thinking. You are in the fight of your life, for your life; and the road to victory goes forward, not back.
Your academics and grades may take a hit. If so, so be it. This is more important!
If you leave school having learned only the lessons recovery teaches, you're better off than if you'd gotten a PhD. (Which, by the way, is a lot easier sober.)

Our thoughts and prayers will be with you. Keep us posted.

 

[TheMainException]

My grades are already taking a hit...they haven't registered yet because I'm in a time between tests, but they are coming up quickly and the end of the semester is rushing in, with very little time left to write all the papers and study all the material. I've got to get cracking if I'm going to finish this out. My first appointment with the drug/alcohol place isn't until the first week in december, but I'll be seeing my counselor on campus regularly until and through then.

Satan's moving in a way I really hoped he wouldn't. One of my closest and best friends is really mad at me for ditching my weed and stuff. I didn't think it would come to this. This is very painful and I hate upsetting him cuz I really love him, he's an awesome friend and what's worse is that, even before now, I'd do anything he asked me. If he told me to buy him something to eat, I'd do it. If he asked me for money, I'd do it. I'd really do just about anything he asked me to...and this is gonna be massively rough.

Even if I trip and fall...and even if I lie about it, even if I cover it up and don't tell the truth to my supports, to my friends who are helping me out...there's always something I've feared while doing drugs and drinking...God has given dreams to my close friends. God has shown them the absolute truth time and again if I didn't open my mouth and speak it. I have no doubt that I would be absolutely unable to keep a secret even if things came to that. Christians, my friends in the groups I'm a part of, have always put a bit of fear in me while I still did drugs. There's power in those people...they commune with God in a way most Christians don't, and they are skilled in the power of the Spirit. They hear the voice of God and can see through lies easily. It used to be scary...now, I just want the same thing in my life....and I can't have the love of God and power of God if I'm focused on myself with this selfish lifestyle.

 

[madison1101]

My grades are already taking a hit...they haven't registered yet because I'm in a time between tests, but they are coming up quickly and the end of the semester is rushing in, with very little time left to write all the papers and study all the material. I've got to get cracking if I'm going to finish this out. My first appointment with the drug/alcohol place isn't until the first week in december, but I'll be seeing my counselor on campus regularly until and through then.

Satan's moving in a way I really hoped he wouldn't. One of my closest and best friends is really mad at me for ditching my weed and stuff. I didn't think it would come to this. This is very painful and I hate upsetting him cuz I really love him, he's an awesome friend and what's worse is that, even before now, I'd do anything he asked me. If he told me to buy him something to eat, I'd do it. If he asked me for money, I'd do it. I'd really do just about anything he asked me to...and this is gonna be massively rough.

Even if I trip and fall...and even if I lie about it, even if I cover it up and don't tell the truth to my supports, to my friends who are helping me out...there's always something I've feared while doing drugs and drinking...God has given dreams to my close friends. God has shown them the absolute truth time and again if I didn't open my mouth and speak it. I have no doubt that I would be absolutely unable to keep a secret even if things came to that. Christians, my friends in the groups I'm a part of, have always put a bit of fear in me while I still did drugs. There's power in those people...they commune with God in a way most Christians don't, and they are skilled in the power of the Spirit. They hear the voice of God and can see through lies easily. It used to be scary...now, I just want the same thing in my life....and I can't have the love of God and power of God if I'm focused on myself with this selfish lifestyle.

You sound just like myself and a lot of others I know in early recovery. Studying Romans, particularly chapter 7 helped me not to feel too unique. Every believer wrestles with temptation...for us it is chemicals. For some it is sex. For some it is gossip. The list is endless. How we deal with the temptation is the key to overcoming it.

When I was first coming around AA, I struggled with honesty. I lied like a rug to my then husband, and everyone else. I was terrified that if I was honest, I would be rejected by everyone. The only person I was totally honest with was my therapist, but I withheld information about myself. I answered questions honestly, and I sincerely tried to be honest, but I struggled because of my shame.

I have since learned a lot about TRUTH and lies. Satan is the father of lies. Lying gives him free reign over me because I open my mind and heart to lies when I don't trust myself or others to be honest. Being honest requires taking risks. I risk someone not liking me. Well, I have learned that being totally honest is freeing. Few, if any, have rejected me for being who I am. When I am tempted to drink or drug, I can share honestly with close friends, Christian or AA, and not be rejected. I am loved and supported instead.

As for your so called friend who is upset about ditching your pot, he can't be a true friend. A true friend wants what is best for you. Being clean and sober is your best option in life. If he is upset that he did not get the stuff that you ditched, his addiction is more powerful than your friendship.

Hang in there.

Trish

 

[BobW188]

Exactly. You're going to find out as you go along that more than one friend was "close" only because your stash was. Ditto bottle, pills, money to pay for the same.
(Notice, in your post, who it was who would do anything for whom. Odd how upset some "friends" get when we do something for ourselves. Something a real friend would have been praying would happen!)

 

[TheMainException]

Oh wow...my head is wrapped up tight isn't it? Yikes. I guess I've just cherished the time we spent together so much that I began to think that I needed to pay for it to get it...maybe that's all it is anymore anyway. Maybe we aren't real friends afterall...but I do think we are real friends. He might drink a tad too often, but he's no alcoholic. I guess I need to be more honest with him, I haven't told him the whole story and I think he should hear it before I decide to shut him out.

I'm not a big liar...I'm horrible at it...at least with the people I love. Those who have a stake in me and the choices I am making right now, they would see through every lie I told, with or without foreknown knowledge from God. Or, I wouldn't be able to keep it a secret for long because I'd crack. At this point, I'm being very honest. I've got two guys who understand the depth of the problem and are keeping me accountable. I've got another guy who is helping me try to figure out my past to see if I can dig up old memories and such. And I've got a girl who has dealt with some depression issues in the past and has conquered that and is holding me accountable as well. So, four of my peeps are watching my back...If I tell the truth to one, I'll tell the truth to all of them. And I know that whatever my therapist and drug therapist asked me, I'll answer as best as I can (some lies are so deep I'm not even sure if I'm telling the truth or not. I only just started to confront the lies a few days ago and realize how embedded into my soul they were).

When I handed my stash to Z, it was then that every single known lie of the enemy screamed to my lips. They all wanted to jump out at once, every little reason why I shouldn't hand those drugs to him...I'll give them to someone else, it's worth so much money, I'll save them but won't do them, I could sell them, my friend wants them....all sorts of stuff...I came out with them all in an effort to not hand it over...finally, I had to shut them all up to get myself to just give it to him. Those lies made a last ditch effort...they were fully revealed. They will be a lot easier to retrieve and deal with later on because of that move.

 

[TheMainException]

That particular friend tho...he only ever did pot with me once...and I've known him for 2.5 years.

 

[BobW188]

You'd be surprised how many ditches some lies have.

You're ahead of the game if you realize that some of your lies are so embedded that you've really forgotten that they are lies. The web of denial is really that: a web. Strand after interlocking strand, each supporting all the others.

Speaking from personal experience, I wouldn't spend too much effort dredging up the past right now. Discuss this with your counsellor and follow his/her lead. Focus on your current thoughts, fears, uncertainties and questions. Right now you're in battle, and the idea is to fight. There'll be time enough later on to find out what lead up to it. (And again, if your counsellor disagrees with that, do it her way, not mine.) As to what follows it? Let's let that ride for now. Suffice to say, you'll find it's an improvement.