One flesh

[selune]

Give him a normal welcome. Just don't fuss about his looks. If you want to have him dress up for a special occasion you could mention to him "hey wear such and such for this, you look really good in it." But, don't force the issue.

 

[Whitestone]

alecs2001us, I am sorry if I seem to abrasive, but I noticed you had multiple disagreements with your boyfriend and I was wondering is he a Christian?

Whitestone

 

[bliz]

Men dont really care what they look like but it's different with women.

Well, that's quite a generalization! I happen to be married to a man who used to work in a men's clothing store. He cares a lot about his apperance. My son (22) is the same way. I, on the other hand, would be very happy to wear the same comfortable clothing for the rest of my life! I know several couples where he dresses her - he has better taste, a better eye or whatever it is, and that's how they do it.

Somehow we drifted off the OP...

I think that a reason why couples never discover the differences in their perspectives has a lot to do with how we date. Dating should be a time to learn a great deal about the other person, but it has become a time of entertainment and sexual discovery. If the physical attraction is there, we tend to think it's good to go. Dating couples need to see each other in a wide variety of situations. My husband always tells our sons "Take a girl out to a flat tire." Working together on something lets couples learn a great deal about each other. It is always so enlightening to see potential mates with their families - not just for a 5 minute introduction, but enough time for the good behavior to ware off. You don't really now someone until you have seen them in a tugh situation. What are they like then? Modern dating is all about being together through wonderful experiences.

Another reason why couples often are not in unity is becasue they change. When couples marry young, they can change a great deal in just a few years. I'm thinking of a couple that married after college. They met a Princeton, where they both attended, and he was heading to law school. He made law review (a big deal) got a job with an excellent law firm and made truck loads of money! That is the life they had talked about and planned on. One day he came home and said that he did not wish to be a lawyer anymore. He wanted to move out west and take his hobby of making rifles by hand, and make that his business. They moved out of the lovely apartment and to a trailer in Sout Dakota that is surronded by mud unless it's surronded by ice. BIG changes. BIG adjustments. They were not anywhere near the same page, let alone the same book, for years! His goals had changed after he really got into the career he thought he wanted.

I know other couples where the changes have been less dramatic, but has had just as much impact on the marriage. I had a friend and they married with the understanding and full argeement that they would not have children. Five years later, he decides that he wants kids! Another wife vows that she will alwasy stay home with her kids... only to discover that goes slightly insane being home all day with the munchkins and catching herself relaying the plot of a Seseme Street episode to her husband.

I think those are 2 of the factors why married coouples end up not sharing unity.

 

[alecs2001us]

to whitestone, he's a christian....

anyways, i saw him yesterday, our mutual friends invited us over for lunch at venice. i didnt expect to see him yesterday. i was so cold to him because i dont want him to think that i was hurting inside. i dont know about him but he also didnt show what he was happy to see me or if he was also pretending like me. i was happy to see him but i cant show it to him. after lunch, we went to the boardwalk. it remeinded me of the times when we were still happy together...i was dieing inside while staring at the ocean...then when we're on our way home...shania's song, "ur still the one" was playing...then there was this guy's song "....i cant live without u in my life..."...aaargghhh

i just hope that its going to be ok....im waiting patiently as to what God's plan for us...i am not going to worry about the obstacles that he's dwelling on right now...for im looking ahead of the obstacles because i know that God will hold me towards what lies ahead....i know i looks to impossible for him right now...but God will make it possible....

 

[jbaccus]

I know what you are going through as do many other couples. We've all done the "cold shoulder" routine, and the "I'm still bitter" routine. That's the funny thing about marriage though. We can always tell when the other person is feeling a little on edge.

I haven't seen my wife in 3 months, and the best thing I can ask for when I get home is a huge embrace when I walk through the front door, and for her to tell me "I love you sooo much." That's all I would need. In your situation, what you need to do is re-affirm that "you love him so much." I can almost guarantee you that he will hug you right back and say the same thing.

Almost no matter the situation that you are facing with each other, you always need to re-establish your love for the other person right away (That's what you call starting off on the right foot.).

As for the dressing thing, well we might not be the most gifted when it comes to picking out our clothes, but this is who we are. Whether I drees like a dork or Mr. GQ, my wife will tell me what she thinks, but then she gets over it. She knows I am the same person that she loves.

What you don't want to do is treat him like your Ken doll or your prize. Let him be himself. And, when he does decide to dress up for you, then you will think he looks especially good.

Grace to you,
Joel

 

[bkg]

anyways, i saw him yesterday, our mutual friends invited us over for lunch at venice. i didnt expect to see him yesterday. i was so cold to him because i dont want him to think that i was hurting inside. i dont know about him but he also didnt show what he was happy to see me or if he was also pretending like me. i was happy to see him but i cant show it to him. after lunch, we went to the boardwalk. it remeinded me of the times when we were still happy together...i was dieing inside while staring at the ocean...then when we're on our way home...shania's song, "ur still the one" was playing...then there was this guy's song "....i cant live without u in my life..."...aaargghhh

Very few may agree with my opinion on this, but I feel the need to share anyway.

Being cold to him so he doesn't know you are hurting is not going to solve anything. In fact, it may likely push him farther away. Aside from the fact that it's essentially a lie, it seems guys are more sensitive that we want women to think. And if a woman is cold, mean, rude, whatever to us, we often take it very personally, internalize it and dwell on it. Now, I'm speaking as though I know all men, and I don't, but from what I've seen in talking with others who have gone through relationship issues like this, it's been fairly consistent.

I'm not saying beg, plead and ball your eyes out, as that will likely not work either. But please do walk in love around him. Treat him well, as is God's command, and if he asks, tell him that you love him (though I don't think it's a good time to break down in tears) but that you don't like the situation. Not only does that give you the ability to share both sides, it shouldn't put a lot of pressure on him or allow him to find something to dwell on.

Pray for him constantly, without ceasing. Pray for restoration, even. And please don't be cold to him...

bkg

 

[alecs2001us]

when i tell him to dress better, i do it in a nice way...like "u would look a lot yummier if u use the other shirt"...or "dont u want to make me drool...why dont u use that sandal i bought for u and that shirt..." or "u look so good if u use that pants"...blah-blah-blah....and most of the time he thinks its cute...but last 2 weeks hes been using it as a reason for our relationship not to work out...yesterday after i posted my message, i think he's coming to his senses because he called me up after he logged off...he told me that i had been saying good things to make him realize our situation (as usual)...

Question, what do i need to do to make him stop worrying....i told him i stopped worrying after he lef for his trip....because i have given it all to God. He worries about how to explain to our future kids about our different opinions about gay marriages, evolution, political views....i told him he need to respect and accept that we both have our differences...

 

[IslandBreeze]

Absolutely not. Staying in a marriage is a decision, and it doesn't have to be based on something so changing as compatibility.

More words of wisdom from Jenna. As cliche as it is, love is a verb. It's not something that happens or just is (unless you're family). Marital love is a choice, a decision one makes every day they get out of bed. Compatibility has nothing to do with making a marriage work. Compatibility is one of those social catch phrases like 'chemistry' that people pick up on and run down the aisle with. Compatibility doesn't really exist. Love and compassion and sharing and kindness and patience and learning and giving exist. That is what you base a marriage on, not something like compatibility.

 

[alecs2001us]

I agree on what u said islandbreeze. one shouldnt base compatibility as a reason to marry someone or to stay togother with someone. many thinks that because they have so much in common with the other person they should get married or stay together. its not about compatibility, its about how u make things work despite of ur differences. its a matter of acceptance and respect.