But you can’t have a future with someone who won’t accept you.
And I didn't say I wanted a future with someone who can't accept me. As a matter of fact, the whole point of why I want to be with someone (apart from continuing genetic line which is also paramount) is to be accepted. So if someone can't accept me, that would ruin the point. As a matter of fact, even if someone "can" accept it but I feel like its consolation prize, that would ruin the point too (back in Fall 2019 I purposely ghosted a woman because I felt like she stayed with me as a consolation prize).
However, this doesn't change what I am complaing about. It simply rephrases it. The complait is: why don't women accept me?
And even that should be rephrased further. Because you see, my first ex, back in 2003, accepted me. But that wasn't good, because she accepted her assumptions of me rather than me. For example, she read that people on the spectrum have sensory issues. I don't. But she assumed I do, and accepted it. That was a problem because due to her assumptions she wasn't taking me to hang out with her friends at a bar since its "too loud", when actually it wasn't. Now, in this case she dated me, we got engaged. I had to ghost her because I didn't want to live the rest of my life like that.
Then there are other women that rejected me for assumptions that aren't true. I remember one woman asking me am I okay with holding hands or am I just intellectual? First of all, I might be intellectual but I am not STUPID. Intellectual people hold hands too. The right word to use is RAINMAN not intellectual, and no I am not rainman. Saying I am okay with holding hands is an understantement. It is very painful for me to watch others holding hands and seeing how much I miss out. So I wish someone could hold my hands, but unfortunately nobody does. So should I hope for someone who can accept my supposed difference that I don't want to be touched, when it is simply not true?
So my ultimate complaint is: how do I know, if people knew how I really am, they won't be able to accept me? How do I know the issue is, in fact, them not liking real me, as opposed to them not liking assumption of me? If they were to reject me for something thats true, then I would accept it. Here is an example. I met a woman on a dating site who said she wanted to be friends but didn't want to date me because she was more into colored men (she herself was white) and into men of bigger size. I wasn't upset even a bit. I gladly accepted her friendship (although unfortunately I lost touch with her). I even told her that she was the first one in a long time who rejected me without my getting upset because it wasn't about any assumptions that are wrong.
The things you’re unable to do or give aren’t minor.
How do you know I am unable to give those things? Maybe I am not giving those things because nobody gave me a chance to. I can't give anything to a stranger.
Let me give an example. So that woman whom my parents didn't approve and who was 275 lbl, when she became sick and could barely walk, I took care of her. But nobody would predict that. Normally I am all me-me-me-me-me. In fact, even with her, first four months of a relationship it was also me-me-me-me-me. But then when she became sick I took care of her. Why? No it wasn't so I can keep her. It was because I genuinely cared about her. As a proof of this, when she started all those fights about me putting physics research above her and me putting parents plans above her plans, I felt trapped and I was wishing I never met her. Yet I didn't have guts to break up with her, because I didn't want to hurt her. I was wishing she could leave on her own which she finally did. Yet, that particular motivation only started after she was sick. My initial reason of getting with her was all because of me.
So you see how it shifted. It started out with "I need her so I don't feel alone" and it ended with "I don't want her but I will stay with her so she wont be hurt" What this shows is that my personality is all in context. The context is: I am all by myself. Of course in that particular context I will be selfish. But once I am with someone I can change and not be selfish any more.
By the same token, maybe other aspects of my personality can also change when I am with someone. The way I normally act is: I don't know how to start and continue conversation, I don't remember peoples names, faces, etc. Yet I didn't have those issues with the women I dated. Why? Because I knew them well. But you see, those issues didn't just go away from the very first date. They went away after familiarity developed which took time. My problem is: why aren't women willing to take time?
Back to accepting: What I want is I want them to judge me by my potential, not by what they see at the moment. I don't think I have a potential to lift 200 lbl. So if they want someone who can lift 200 lbl, then yes they can go ahead and reject me, I don't have issues with that. But I do have potential to maybe develop better social skills once I am no longer isolated. So I want them to take this into account.
