Older man with Asperger

[bèlla]

And I didn't say I wanted a future with someone who can't accept me.

Nor am I suggesting it by that comment. It was made in response to the qualities you’ve emphasized in your posts.

However, this doesn't change what I am complaing about. It simply rephrases it. The complait is: why don't women accept me?

In your opening statement you mentioned several challenges that would contribute to your problems dating wise.

You said, “I forget to brush my hair, cut my nails, tuck in my shirt, etc. I used to forget to take a shower as well, but now I am better at remembering that part. I also forget to wash my clothes.”

Poor hygiene is a significant problem that few will overlook. That includes bathing, clean attire and caring for your appearance. This is a major stumbling block for most. Your income is low for today’s economy and you have poor spending habits which makes budgeting difficult. There’s social issues too but I don’t think that’s the problem. It’s everything combined.

Being with you requires a level of responsibility and support that may be daunting for some and that’s your dilemma.

How do you know I am unable to give those things? Maybe I am not giving those things because nobody gave me a chance to. I can't give anything to a stranger.

It isn’t a question of chances or what I know. It’s what we’re willing to live with that settles the matter. You’ve broken connections for similar reasons. The majority aren’t willing to explore a suitor that raises concerns. They interpret it as a warning that it isn’t the right situation for them.

By the same token, maybe other aspects of my personality can also change when I am with someone. The way I normally act is: I don't know how to start and continue conversation, I don't remember peoples names, faces, etc. Yet I didn't have those issues with the women I dated. Why? Because I knew them well. But you see, those issues didn't just go away from the very first date. They went away after familiarity developed which took time. My problem is: why aren't women willing to take time?

It requires a lot of faith and it’s a risk some aren’t willing to take. There’s no guarantee that will come to pass or you’ll improve in other areas. It could get worse and that’s a subject few expect to confront until they’re older. They envision themselves living differently and the pairing requires the willingness to write another story in its place.

Back to accepting: What I want is I want them to judge me by my potential, not by what they see at the moment.

There’s always some measure of that in human connections. But women have learned the downside of wishful thinking and tying their heart to expectations that may not come to fruition. You can’t build a future on potential alone. You must have a genuine desire to spend your life with them as is. Whether they reach their potential or not.

All relationships involve an element of risk. We must determine what we can handle. No one can answer for us. What isn’t bothersome for you may be too much for another.

Joni Eareckson Tada is a good example of that principle. She became quadriplegic due to a diving accident in her teens. But she’s married and her husband is able bodied and he‘d be the first to admit that the marriage is his ministry. He believes the Lord called him to that role with her. She requires round the clock care and runs a ministry devoted to the disabled. Her husband and sister are responsible for her care and do it willingly.

And you need the same. You need someone who doesn’t view you as a burden or focus on what they’re giving up through the bond. They must believe the union is fulfilling in spite of the hardships and everyone needs the same. I don’t believe most people could do what he does or fill his shoes. It takes a special mindset and heart posture to forgo the norm. Because it’s plentiful.

You’re struggling because you haven’t found the same and you’re looking in circles less likely to accommodate your struggles than not. The one meant for you will see beyond them. They’ll endeavor to discover you because you matter. And you’ll recognize her immediately.

~bella

 

[Roman57]

Nor am I suggesting it by that comment. It was made in response to the qualities you’ve emphasized in your posts.

Which of the listed qualities are you referring to? Because certain ones I can let go, but other ones I can't. As mentioned, I had relationships before, but that doesn't change the fact that I wasted my life. I want to feel what normal relationship is like, for once. Not have one more relationship on the list along the same lines as before (severely overweight, not inviting me to socialize with her friends, etc).

In your opening statement you mentioned several challenges that would contribute to your problems dating wise.

You said, “I forget to brush my hair, cut my nails, tuck in my shirt, etc. I used to forget to take a shower as well, but now I am better at remembering that part. I also forget to wash my clothes.”

Poor hygiene is a significant problem that few will overlook. That includes bathing, clean attire and caring for your appearance. This is a major stumbling block for most.

Lets separate shower from attire. In case of shower I can see why: because the smell is unpleasant. But in case of appearance, I don't see why. The appearance doesn't stink. So is the issue simply that, because of bad appearance, they make certain assumptions about me? If so, that goes back to my previous reply where I talked about assumptions. But if its not assumptions but appearane in and of itself thats the problem, can you explain why?

In any case, bad appearance is one of the things I can change. Better change late than never. So if I have a choice between changing my grooming habbits and finding the woman I actually like versus having my grooming habbits the way they are and having to wait for a woman I don't like as much, I would choose the option of changing my habbits.

So if I do want to change my habbits why am I complaining about those social rules? I complain because there is no time machine, so I can't change the fact that I didn't change those habbits earlier. So, since they weren't willing to overlook poor grooming last several decades, now they would have to overlook my age, which is a new problem.

Your income is low for today’s economy and you have poor spending habits which makes budgeting difficult.

The question is: how do women know it? Now, as you can probably see from this post, I am very open person so if they talk to me then I would probably mention it. But the thing is: they don't talk to me, they don't even say hello. So, if none of the conversations ever occurred, how do they know about my low income and poor spending habbits?

The reason I am asking this question is because I want to pinpoint the root cause of the problem. If they don't know about income/spending habbits, then the question is: what "do" they know/assume that keeps them from approaching me? If, on the other hand, they do know about income/spending habbits (by some secondary clues) then knowing how would also help me see the bigger picture.

There’s social issues too but I don’t think that’s the problem. It’s everything combined.

But if the question is "why don't women approach me" then those women I am referring to probably don't know some of those things. So the question is: which things "do" they know/assume that keep them from approaching me?

Being with you requires a level of responsibility and support that may be daunting for some and that’s your dilemma.

And that is where part of the misunderstanding might come in. Why do they see me as someone to take care of and someone to support, rather than looking at the positives? I am a physicist, who wanted to be a physicist since I was 9, I have two PhD-s, etc.

Well, of course when I say "why don't women approach me" it doesn't apply to them because they don't know it either. But then the question is: what about people who "do" know me? They aren't rushing to match me up with someone. So I guess they do see me as a burden/responsibility rather than a brilliant person who can contribute. Why?

It isn’t a question of chances or what I know. It’s what we’re willing to live with that settles the matter.

Yeah, but people would actually know instead of having to guess if they were to take time to get to know me. The question is: why nobody takes time to even say hi, they just make assumptions based off appearance.

You’ve broken connections for similar reasons.

Again the question is which one(s) are you referring to?

If you are referring to some of the women who approached me in my early 20s in the OP, as OP stated I regret ignoring them. And I wasn't thinking it won't work out. Rather I wasn't thinking about them at all, because my focus was elsewhere. And thats precisely what I regret.

If you are referring to that ex my parents didn't approve of, I was dating her for 2 years, so in this case I know it wasn't working out (although she broke up with me, not me with her: I couldn't get myself to break up out of pity). So thats entirely different from women simply assuming it won't work out due to my appearance. I didn't make that assumption with that ex. On the contrary, at the beginning I was the one hoping for us to be together because I had no other options. Its only after a year I realized it is too stressful (and then stayed another year out of pity).

If you are talking about the woman I ghosted because she "gave me consolation prize", I didn't assume it can't work out. I did it simply out of pride.

If you are referring to some other examples, tell me which ones.

There’s no guarantee that will come to pass or you’ll improve in other areas.

There better be. I can't afford throwing away the rest of my life like that!

It could get worse

Why would it get worse? The reason I don't brush my hair or take care of my appearance is because I didn't develop such habbit, so its not anything progressive. Its just something I need to learn as an adult since I didn't learn it as a child.

They envision themselves living differently

I also want to live differently. Which is another reason I want a woman in my life (in addition to earlier-stated reason of wanting offsprings). I hate my life right now, I want to change my life. I hope for woman to change me.

One of several other examples is I want a woman to introduce me to her circle of friends. Yet, ironically, I remember a woman who rejected me when I mentioned Asperger because she assumed I don't want to hang around with her friends and she is social person. That is super frustrating. She rejected me because I supposedly don't want the exact thing I do want!

But like I said, its just one of several other examples. Bigger picture is: I want to change for myself not just for the woman (I already know what its like to live the way I was living past decades, why would I want to stay in this situation?) And wanting a different life is one of the biggest reasons I want a woman on the first place. Yet women are asking themselves a question whether they will be able to be with me in the life I am living. They aren't asking themselves whether they can help take me OUT of this mess. They are asking themselves whether they can be with me while I am right here in this exact mess I am in. So you see how we are not on the same page here?

If I find a woman who can just accompany me in my current situation that won't make me happy anyway. Ginger was example of such a woman (different from the one my parents didn't approve of -- my parents didn't approve of Jennifer). So with Ginger the relationship was long distance, and also she lived in small village, which means no friends of her own other than her sister. Was I any happier when I was having that relationship with her? At first yes. Later on, not really. I still didn't have any friends. I still had the same exact career and financial problems. Again she was the one who left me not me her. But still, during two years of my relationship with her I felt almost as lonely as I do now.

So what this example illustrates is I want a woman to come and change my life for me. Thats why the question whether she can put up with me the way I am is a wrong one to ask.

But women have learned the downside of wishful thinking and tying their heart to expectations that may not come to fruition.

Can you elaborate with some examples? Do those men LIE they want to change but they really don't? Such as they say they will quit drinking yet they go on to keep drinking for years until the woman finally gives up? Well, thankfully, I never drank. Why don't anyone notice that? And I can't even relate to why men would want to throw decades of their life drinking. I guess they have no ambition and they are willing to throw their life away. They don't see a point of living fulfilling life (other than getting some sex so they lie to the women they want to change in order to get sex). But I am different than them. For me sex isn't important (btw I don't believe in sex before marriage; I am just saying prospect of sex after marriage isn't even whats driving me). For me what is important is for a woman to come and change my life entirely. But nobody believes me because of all those other men that dont want to change. See how frustrating that is?

Joni Eareckson Tada is a good example of that principle. She became quadriplegic due to a diving accident in her teens. But she’s married and her husband is able bodied and he‘d be the first to admit that the marriage is his ministry. He believes the Lord called him to that role with her. She requires round the clock care and runs a ministry devoted to the disabled. Her husband and sister are responsible for her care and do it willingly.

I actually haven't heard of her until you mentioned just now. But, based on what you said, here is the difference between her case and mine. In her case, she actually "can't" use her limbs. She doesn't "forget to", "not care", she simply "can't". But in my case, I don't have any major injury that would prevent me from being able to tuck in the shirt and brush my hair. I simply forget to because those details don't really matter.

And to be clear, I still care about the things that others care to. Thats why I was complaining about women not introducing me to their circle of friends, and was saying how I want a woman to come and change my life for me. But the thing is: I don't regard tucking in my shirt and brushing in my hair as big picture. To me, big picture is my career, my income, my social life, emotional connections, etc. while something as mundane as brushing my hair is just a detail. But if those big picture things suffer because of this detail, then maybe I should learn and change this detail. I don't have any major injuries that would prevent me from doing so.

This reminds me of what happened to me career-wise. So, after I completted my first PhD, I asked the professor who was one of the co-chairs of my dissertation committee to co-author some physics papers with me that I was writing in order to get them into a shape that journals can publish. So we were talking about the content and, yes, I found a lot of the stuff we talked about important. Then, in the middle of the conversation, he said "by the way you should put opening quotes differently than closing quotes" and shown me how. I thought he just made a leisurly remark as a few second break or something. But then a while later he again made that "few second break" to mention quotes. Alright, I don't mind few second break, I need one too sometimes. So we had those few second breaks once in few days, which is okay. But then one time he said "If you are going to continue to put quotes the wrong way I will not be able to continue working with you". WHAT?! I didn't realize it was that serious!!! So when he said this, I immediately learned to put quotes the right way and he no longer needed to say this. Yet, DESPITE the fact that I heeded his warning and started putting quotes in the right way, he STILL didn't work with me. He didn't outright refused. Rather he procrastinaged. Like one more week, one more week, one more week, etc. saying he was swamped with his work. Yet looking at his academic record I see that he published few papers with others while at the same time procrastinating with mine. He once said honestly he doesn't know what it is about my work but it gives him headache and makes him want to put it off. Then he speculated that grammar things (and quotes being put the wrong way) is one example of it.

So you see, the point is: taking care of my appearance is the case concept as putting quotes the right way. In both cases I can do it, I simply don't find it important. Yet in both cases people judge me for it. So lets see how its all connected. You mentioned women wouldn't want me because of my low income. Yes I mentioend earlier I don't know how they would find out I have low income if they never even say hello to me. But lets put this question aside for a while and ask ourselves why do I have low income? The answer is: because I want to be theoretical physics professor and don't want any non-academic job. I don't regret the fact that I insist on theoretical physics, thats my dream since I was 9. So lets ask a different question: why can't I land a theoretical physics job? The answer is: because the job market is competitive and the combeptition is largely based on the number of publications, and I don't have a lot of publications. Why don't I have a lot of publications? Because journals don't publish most of my work. Why don't they want to publish my work? Partly presentation: when that professor helped me on presentation of two of my papers they both got published. So why doesn't that professor help me with more of my papers? Because my writing gave him headache. Why does my writing gives him headache? BECAUSE I DIDNT PUT QUOTES PROPERLY.

So you see how something as minor as not putting quotes properly is what ruined my career, similarly to how something as minor as not tucking in my shirt ruined my relationship prospects? Yet in both cases I didn't have any injury or handicap. I simply didn't know ahead of time it was important. Thats why I want people to give me another chance.

You said women had bad experiences with men who said they would change and didn't. But what specifically are you talking about? Is it something like drinking habbits? Well, not tucking in my shirt and not putting quotes appropriately is not in the same category as being alcohol addict. It would have costed me very little to change those things if only I knew how important they would end up being.

You’re struggling because you haven’t found the same and you’re looking in circles less likely to accommodate your struggles than not.

Can you be more specific. What circles do I look at that makes them less likely to accommodate my struggles? And what circles would be more likely to accommodate them?

If the circles that are more likely to accommodate my struggles also have high quality women I am all for it. But if those circles means low quality, then maybe I should change myself instead so that I can find the women I actually like?

 

[bèlla]

Which of the listed qualities are you referring to?

You said you wanted a woman in her twenties. Do you know what they’re looking for? Have you conversed with any along those lines?

The appearance doesn't stink. So is the issue simply that, because of bad appearance, they make certain assumptions about me? If so, that goes back to my previous reply where I talked about assumptions. But if its not assumptions but appearane in and of itself thats the problem, can you explain why?

You said you didn’t shower, wash your clothes, comb your hair and your appearance wasn’t neat. These are things society expects of adults. If you’re unable to manage yourself without assistance or reminders it might be too much to handle for some. We all go by appearances initially. Because we don’t have anything to go on.

Most people aren’t going to ask why you wouldn’t do those things. It isn’t a conversation we expect to have. If you don’t take care of yourself it doesn’t instill confidence in your ability to do the same for another and makes them less willing to engage.

But if the question is "why don't women approach me" then those women I am referring to probably don't know some of those things. So the question is: which things "do" they know/assume that keep them from approaching me?

Most women don’t approach men unless they’re interested and don’t have conversations with random men as a norm. You’ll hear the same from others. The majority stick to themselves.

And that is where part of the misunderstanding might come in. Why do they see me as someone to take care of and someone to support, rather than looking at the positives? I am a physicist, who wanted to be a physicist since I was 9, I have two PhD-s, etc.

You’re dealing with strangers. They can only assess the outer initially. And if it raises concerns or doesn’t appeal they won’t go forward.

Well, of course when I say "why don't women approach me" it doesn't apply to them because they don't know it either. But then the question is: what about people who "do" know me? They aren't rushing to match me up with someone. So I guess they do see me as a burden/responsibility rather than a brilliant person who can contribute. Why?

They may not be acquainted with someone who would give you a chance. If they’re fairly close they know what they like.

Yeah, but people would actually know instead of having to guess if they were to take time to get to know me. The question is: why nobody takes time to even say hi, they just make assumptions based off appearance.

Americans aren’t very sociable. You may encounter more friendliness in some areas. But it isn’t odd to see people on the bus or train or other settings and they’re not communicating. They’re wearing earbuds or on their phone and a few may be reading. But they’re not conversing with one another or desire to do so.

I also want to live differently. Which is another reason I want a woman in my life (in addition to earlier-stated reason of wanting offsprings). I hate my life right now, I want to change my life. I hope for woman to change me.

No one can change you. They can support you and make suggestions but the choice is yours. You’d be better off working with a professional to improve your life and social skills than seeking the same in a companion.

For me what is important is for a woman to come and change my life entirely. But nobody believes me because of all those other men that dont want to change. See how frustrating that is?

Your expectations for companionship don’t mirror what the majority desire for themselves. They expect you to address that beforehand. The best way forward is working with professionals to tackle the things you mentioned that will improve your self-esteem and confidence.

You’re asking her to take on a lot as if she should be pleased to help you get your life together. Why would that be more appealing than being with someone who doesn’t require the same? The level of time and investment is a drawback and the relationship will revolve around you. What is she getting in return?

~bella

 

[Roman57]

You said you wanted a woman in her twenties. Do you know what they’re looking for? Have you conversed with any along those lines?

I don't know because I am socially isolated, so my only source of information is anecdotal personal experiences, extrapolations, guesses/theorizing, and reading websites.

But, as someone probably better connected than me, can you tell me what they are looking for? And, in particular, can you lay out how are the things that they are looking for would be incompatible with someone older.

In the OP I made my own list of items of things that they look for that are incompatible with older age -- and then for each item explained how it would not apply to me. So do you think there are other things they are looking for that I genuinely don't meet, or do you think its the items I listed where they don't know/ don't agree with my rebutals?

You said you didn’t shower, wash your clothes, comb your hair and your appearance wasn’t neat. These are things society expects of adults.

As far as showering it makes sense: smell is unpleasant. But what about combing hair? We all know our hair isn't neat when we just get out of bed. So why are we shocked when we see messy hair on somebody else?

We all go by appearances initially. Because we don’t have anything to go on.

We would, if we were to take our take to talk to everyone, then we would see more information beyond appearance to decide whom to continue with.

You may encounter more friendliness in some areas. But it isn’t odd to see people on the bus or train or other settings and they’re not communicating.

Then how do anybody else meet their friends and their partners?

In my case, I used to go to university and to church. Why didn't people approach me in either of those areas?

Two years ago I graduated and after moving back to my mom I don't go to church since I keep from her that I believe in Jesus. However, I go to the gym. I like running on treadmill to get back my high school time. Now I noticed on the treadmill sometimes people strike conversations with each other. Sure, maybe some of them know each other. But I remember one occasion when, after lively conversation the guy and the girl ask each others name! Yet they talked for what it seems like 10 minutes or more. Why don't any women strike such conversations with me when I run on a treadmill?

No one can change you. They can support you and make suggestions but the choice is yours.

I agree to an extend. As a matter of fact, Jennifer (the 275 lbl woman whom my parents didn't like) DID try to change me, and that was one of the major things I disliked about her. But thats not to say that I don't want to change. Rather its the specific changes that she tried to get me to do felt like too much/ too fast. Plus those weren't the changes I am thinking of. As mentioned earlier, she didn't have me hang around with her friends (which is the change I am thinking of). Instead she was forcing me to prioritize solo time with her over physics, and that time felt like a chore because it was all routine, like we watched movies every Tuesday night at the same theater and its boring. She also wanted me to clean around her house. And she wanted me to learn to drive and take Personal Finance class, and then there were fights because time flew too fast so she accused me of saying I will do things and then not doing them. But I didn't anticipate that time would fly so fast.

However, some of the things Jennifer made me do were actually good. Even my mom, who used to hate Jennifer like I said, stopped hating her several years after she broke up, and nowadays she is saying that what Jennifer did was good for me. As my mom points out, Jennifer made me do PowerPoint presentation for my disseration. I resented her for it because I wanted to focus on physics and was too lazy to learn power point so I wanted to do it in old fashioned way on blackboard. I only learned power point to get Jennifer off my back. My mom said my presentation was much better because of it. Also Jennifer made me apply for NSF fellowship to cover my travel to India where I did my postdoc (postdoc itself wasn't paid by NSF, it was paid by institute in India, but the travel was covered by NSF -- thanks to Jennifer).

So this shows that being asked to change is good, I just shouldn't feel forced to. So I do wnat someone who can try and help me change, just perhaps be more easy going about it than Jennifer. The opposite example is Ginger, who never asked me to change at all: we had two year relationsihp that was mostly drama free except for some surprise-dramas here and there, that ended by surprise-breakup.
So I need someone in the middle. Someone with more opinions than Ginger yet more easy going than Jennifer.

I mean, if I am talking about social interactions, then how can I possibly change on my own? If I want to run faster I know how: I go to the gym and run on a trademill. But if I want to socialize better, I don't see how. Going to councelor doesn't count because the councelor isn't even allowed to admit they know me to anyone else, much less step in and help me out. Simply talking once a week isn't going to help.

 

[bèlla]

But, as someone probably better connected than me, can you tell me what they are looking for? And, in particular, can you lay out how are the things that they are looking for would be incompatible with someone older.

I’m not suggesting you’re too old but a twenty year difference is significant on its own. And unlike the majority of a similar age, you’re looking for someone to help you improve your life when the scenario is usually reversed with age gaps. The older party is typically the one providing guidance and support due to their maturity and experience.

You’ll have a greater hill to climb with them than someone closer in age because of their expectations. If she‘s willing to consider someone older she’ll have a lot of options and is likely to choose someone more established and settled than a man requiring the assistance you seek.

As far as showering it makes sense: smell is unpleasant. But what about combing hair? We all know our hair isn't neat when we just get out of bed. So why are we shocked when we see messy hair on somebody else?

There’s a difference between rousing from bed and going outside in a similar state with no concern for your appearance. It’s a mark of respect for yourself and others. If you want to look messy that’s your choice. But you can’t get upset when the decision has negative consequences. Society expects us to be presentable. Whether we’re going to the store, work, on a date, etc.

Then how do anybody else meet their friends and their partners?

Dating apps, social outings, work, school, hobbies, social media, church, etc.

In my case, I used to go to university and to church. Why didn't people approach me in either of those areas?

I can’t answer that. Were you neglecting your hygiene or appearance during that period?

Why don't any women strike such conversations with me when I run on a treadmill?

I don‘t know. Some women are open to meeting men at the gym but many aren’t and want to be left alone.

Rather its the specific changes that she tried to get me to do felt like too much/ too fast. Plus those weren't the changes I am thinking of. As mentioned earlier, she didn't have me hang around with her friends (which is the change I am thinking of). Instead she was forcing me to prioritize solo time with her over physics, and that time felt like a chore because it was all routine, like we watched movies every Tuesday night at the same theater and its boring. She also wanted me to clean around her house. And she wanted me to learn to drive and take Personal Finance class, and then there were fights because time flew too fast so she accused me of saying I will do things and then not doing them. But I didn't anticipate that time would fly so fast.

You should have listened to her and cooperated. The things she emphasized are part of adulthood and what one expects in a relationship. Quality time, work/life balance, housekeeping, independence and financial responsibility.

That’s the caveat of attempting the same with a companion. Helping people is a lot of work and there’s always pushback and strife. While you can tolerate it with a friend or loved one it can take a toll on a relationship. You can’t make the person take action and their unwillingness to do so has a negative effect on the connection and it usually breaks.

Also Jennifer made me apply for NSF fellowship to cover my travel to India where I did my postdoc (postdoc itself wasn't paid by NSF, it was paid by institute in India, but the travel was covered by NSF -- thanks to Jennifer).

She was helping you and invested in your betterment but you let her go.

So this shows that being asked to change is good, I just shouldn't feel forced to. So I do wnat someone who can try and help me change, just perhaps be more easy going about it than Jennifer. The opposite example is Ginger, who never asked me to change at all: we had two year relationsihp that was mostly drama free except for some surprise-dramas here and there, that ended by surprise-breakup.

Who benefitted you the most in the long run? The improvements you’ve mentioned thus far came from Jennifer. What did Ginger contribute?

I mean, if I am talking about social interactions, then how can I possibly change on my own? If I want to run faster I know how: I go to the gym and run on a trademill. But if I want to socialize better, I don't see how. Going to councelor doesn't count because the councelor isn't even allowed to admit they know me to anyone else, much less step in and help me out. Simply talking once a week isn't going to help.

You need to learn how to think of yourself less. You’re too self-focused. There’s four pages of commentary and it’s all one dimensional. I have no idea what a woman would gain from the pairing or why you’re ideal. All you talk about is what you want in return and no one wants to live that way.

You have to have a genuine interest in others. You have to ask questions, discover their interests, hopes, fears and dreams as well. You need to ask how you can assist them and be supportive. You have to think about her wants and needs as well and be willing to compromise and sacrifice too.

You’re too self-absorbed and that’s part of the problem. That’s why counseling is needed. They have to get to the root of that to help you become more balanced. It has a negative impact on your connections dating and otherwise and people will avoid you.

~bella

 

[Roman57]

I’m not suggesting you’re too old but a twenty year difference is significant on its own. And unlike the majority of a similar age, you’re looking for someone to help you improve your life when the scenario is usually reversed with age gaps. The older party is typically the one providing guidance and support due to their maturity and experience.

I guess the thing is that due to living all those years in isolation, I don't really have life experience consistent with people my age. My experiences are consistent with someone much younger. So thats why I wish I could pretend all those years I threw away never happened, I am younger, and start from here. Yes this time I will learn: I don't want to throw away another decade or two. But I can't do anything with the time I already threw away so I wish I could pretend that time I threw away never happened which would be consistent with being younger.

I guess its not perfectly accurate: I didn't just hebirnate those years: I got two PhD-s, I did postdocs in India, etc. But I bet things like that can be done in a lot less years than I lived. So, between being 21 and being 45, I did more than people do in 0 years, but less than they do in 45-21=24 years. How many years did I "effectively" live at that time period? Maybe 5 years? So I wish I could pretend I am 21+5=26 year old and date accordingly.

There’s a difference between rousing from bed and going outside in a similar state with no concern for your appearance. It’s a mark of respect for yourself and others.

What I am trying to understand is the reasoning behind this. I mean I can see why some of the "other" stuff would imply disrespect for others. Like you mentioned later in this post how people might not like when I focus on myself and not them. Here I can see why they wouldn't like it: people want to feel like they matter. But why would coming with unbrushed hair make them feel unimportant? Maybe I don't brush hair not because I don't care about them but simply because I don't see why this specific aspect is important?

Dating apps,

Dating apps is what I was overly focused on in my 20s. And thats one of my biggest regrets. Because thats how I ended up ignoring women that tried to talk to me in the real life. So I don't want to repeat this mistake. I want to meet women in real life for a change.

social outings,

Social outings, I need to be invited to. If I don't have any friends on the first place and not invited anywhere then how can I even start.

work,

I lost my teaching job because I taught on too high level. Right now I work for non-profit and that work is not in person. I was hired by 70-80 year old man to work there. He hasn't been introducing me to people my age I can date.

However, back when I was 34-35, I was visitting researcher for my former thesis advisor (the same guy who complained about my putting quotes the wrong way). He was going to lunches with the other two professors in his group and the students that worked for him. He invited me to go there with him. I went a few times yet most of the time was going by myself. Both he and a couple of his students kept asking me why don't I come to lunches with them? I guess that was a mistake that I didn't. I guess it never occurred to me that this was relevant to the issue of women: they were all men. But maybe I could have met some women through them? As a matter of fact, even after just three or four lunches, they invited me to a restaurant and there was a female professor there. I don't know if she was married or not, but the point is: she wasn't part of their normal all-male group. So maybe if I were to stick around longer, who else would they have introduced me to? But its too late to think about it since I left that place 10 years ago. I can't think of anywhere right now where I have similar opportunities.

Then in my recent employment I met a 70 year old man who became concerned about my social skills and wanted to help me: I didn't even ask him to do it. He simply noticed I walk everywhere and don't have a car so he gave me a ride and then he noticed I don't say hello to people and act antisocial so he introduced me to two female secretaries (both in their 20s) "for practice". Even though his intention was "practice", I thought it went well, they were talking to me even without him being around and seemed to do so willingly. But then it ended as follows. So I don't drive, and my parents didn't drive either (well, my dad is no longer alive so now its just my mom). So she wanted to sell a car and that old men suggested she sells it to me. I asked my mom if she has money to pay for it. My mom, surprisingly, was against my buying it because she wanted me to learn how to drive first. But you see it feels like she projects her own experience on me. Because SHE had experience when she got a car back when she first come to US, and got scared when someone tried to teach her to drive so she gave up and the car just stood there until it was stolen. But how does she know I can't learn it, unlike her? I never tried! So it would save money if I have my own car since I won't have to pay for my driving classes. And then my mom said "even if you can learn it, nobody is going to teach you how to do it for free". I told her that girl who was going to sell me the car was going to teach me. My mom said she won't. I said I know for a fact she will. My mom insisted it can't happen and I insisted it can, so my mom said ask her. I called her and it turned out my mom was right: she wasn't going to teach me. But then I was confused: why did she tell me that I can drive without the licence? She said she was referring to me driving while taking driving class. I said if its about taking driving class then it doesn't make sense to say I don't need licence for this because it is self-obvious: its like saying you don't need college degree to go to college! She couldn't understand my question, so I kept asking it over and over and she was getting increasingly frustrated. That was the last time she talked to me. As far as the other secretary, I kept complaining to her how nobody likes me. While others to whom I complained that people don't like me (including that old man and that other girl) were saying I read into it, this particular girl actually agreed that they don't like me and cited some reasons, such as my voice being too loud. But she said she felt bad that they don't like me so she will talk to HR about it. At first I was surprised why would she talk to HR, its not their responsibility to like me. But then she said she will talk to a department head because she knows her well and works under her. So I reluctantly agreed: how else can she help me unless she talks to someone? As it happened, there was some social event happening. So I emailed her how I will not show up on that event in order to make it easier for her to talk about me to others. She didn't respond to that message. Now it was the end of the semester and they didnt renew my contract because they were complaining that my teaching was on too high level. I never heard back from eitehr of those two secretaries. When I asked that old man about it he acted like there is nothing wrong with it: after all my interaction with them was in the context of my work and I no longer work there, besides it was all just "practice".

school,

Unfortunately I am not in school any more. I graduated 2 years ago. But again: back when I was at school people didn't really talk to me. However, since I spent in school so many years I can recall few opportunities (I am including both those couple of girls that appeared interested as well as a few guys through whom I might have met some girls but it never occurred to me). But those were few over the span of many many years. Now, it was my mistake I let them pass. Who knows maybe if I were to take advantage of them, I would have networked my way into other opportunities.

Now, what do you think is more accurate:

1) In terms of "innitial" opportunities, others are getting just as few as I did. They simply take advantage of them better, and so more opportunities develop through networks

2) Others get a lot more initial opportunities than I did, due to better appearance, better social skills, and so forth

hobbies,

I went to Bible studies and nobody talked to me.

I have a hobby of going to Barns and Noble and reading books. But I was assuming that was a solo hobby and I couldn't meet people that way. But I did talk to a girl on one of the dating apps that mentioned that they have some events at those stores. So are you saying that I "could" meet people by going to one of those events?

What other hobbies are you thinking of?

social media,

Are you talking about facebook? I do have facebook page and occasionally I make some posts. But my posts get ignored.

By the way, my mom's friend Yuriy called my mom very concerned that I talk about Asperger over on facebook, along with other stuff that he regards as personal. And Jennifer's friend Heather told me I shouldn't be making racist posts on facebook. Now I was assuming facebook is just my solo hobby: yes I have lots of facebook "friends" but I dont' know most of them (most of them are just friends of friends), and nobody responds to my posts so I assume they don't read them which means I can write anything I like. Or could it be that they do read them, they just don't show it, and this contributes to my social isolation?

In any case, at one point I decided to remove old emails from my facebook account, but I did it in a hurry so I did exact opposite: instead of removing old emails and keeping new one, I removed new email and kept old ones. So I locked myself out of that account. When I made new account, with much fewer friends, I don't make those kinds of posts any more since, with very few friends, it feels a lot more personal: do I "really" want to say X, Y and Z to people A, B and C? With 200+ friends I had in the past it was much less personal. But yeah, I can't go back to the old account and delete those posts I can't log in.

However, point remains: people don't respond to my posts in new account either not just old one.

The other example of social media is Linkidin. I have Linkidin page but it is very outdated and I don't put much time/effort into it. My mom's friend says that my Linkidin page not looking up to date contributes to my difficulty finding a job. Then I told him "okay I will fix my Linkidin page" and he said "no its not it; there are lots of problems that are holding you back, its not going to fix it". But in any case my Linkidin has only 3 friends or so, it shows that I am still doing postdoc in India even though it was 15 years ago, so my mom's friend says it looks like "I died while I was in India" and even in India it didn't show much of what I was doing, I just didn't spend that much time on it.

church

Like I said they weren't approaching me in church.

I can’t answer that. Were you neglecting your hygiene or appearance during that period?

Yes I was.

You should have listened to her and cooperated. The things she emphasized are part of adulthood and what one expects in a relationship. Quality time, work/life balance, housekeeping, independence and financial responsibility.

Now I realize this, but back then I thought it was just her. I would have understood better it wasn't just her if I were to have friends who were to say "yes thats what we expect of our partners too". Being isolated and not having outside perspective didn't help. My parents didn't help either since they were overprotective and so they made it out as if Jennifer was the one who was overdemanding. So it would have helped if I knew people other than my parents who would have given me unbiased opinion.

She was helping you and invested in your betterment but you let her go.

She broke up with me, not me with her. I stopped liking her first, but I didn't leave her because I felt bad she was sick and didn't want to betray her. At the end she ended up leaving me.

Who benefitted you the most in the long run? The improvements you’ve mentioned thus far came from Jennifer. What did Ginger contribute?

If you re-read what I wrote I didn't say I like Ginger more than Jennifer. I actually layed out pros and cons on both. And I did acknowledge the ways in which Jennifer was better than Ginger, although at the same time I also said she was a bit too pushy.

You have to have a genuine interest in others. You have to ask questions, discover their interests, hopes, fears and dreams as well.

How can I possibly do it if I don't currently have anybody? I can ask questions/ discover interests of Jennifer, Ginger and some other ex-s. But keep in mind, they are from many years ago. So whom do I have in front of me, right now, to ask questions/ discover common interests? But who knows, maybe once someone does talk to me, I would start to focus on her as a person. How can you or I know its not the case if I haven't had such opportunities (outside of my ex-s)?

Actually Jennifer is a good example of how I "can" change in this regard: I didn't make the changes she wanted me to make, but I did become genuinely focused on what I thought her needs were, even though what I thought clearly missed part of the picture (and then when she tried to ask for things outside of what I was planning on helping her, it felt like nagging). As mentioned earlier, I lost interest in her (due to feeling like she was nagging me) after the first year, yet I stayed with her the second year until she left. My main reason was "not" that I didn't want to be alone: at that time I was happy to, since I was tired of relationship. Instead, my main reason was that she was sick, I was remembering how I took care of her when she was sick, and I didn't want to betray her. So it was about her not me. And of course the time when I was taking care of her while she was sick was also about her. However, she only became sick 4 months after we started dating. First 4 months were all about me. So it is possible to start out when its about me and then genuinely care about the other person later. In fact from my perspective it seems logical. When I look for a relationship, I can't logically be motivated by caring about hypothetical woman I never met. But after I meet her and interact with her then I begin to care about her. So thats another reason why people shouldn't judge by first impressions.

Jennifer actually acknowledged I cared about her when she was sick. When she was breaking up with me, she said "find yourself a woman that is permanently sick" in reference to the fact that when she was sick it was the only time I was genuinely caring about her and not about myself, and then fights started when she became less sick (although still sick, just less so). So what this shows is I do care about others needs, I just might not see them until its something blatant like them being very sick. So I need to be more perceptive of them in other context. Which I would have been with Jennifer, I simply was overwhelmed by feeling she was too demanding. But maybe it would have helped me not to feel that way if I had other friends from whom I would have learned that those demands are normal for a relationship its not just Jennifer. But because I don't have friends I am all very isolated and thats why I don't learn things I should have learned.

 

[bèlla]

I guess the thing is that due to living all those years in isolation, I don't really have life experience consistent with people my age. My experiences are consistent with someone much younger. So thats why I wish I could pretend all those years I threw away never happened, I am younger, and start from here.

The world you knew at that time has changed. There’s a lot of frustration and strife amongst the sexes and many are giving up and going it alone. There’s also the unfortunate reality of the internet and social media. We don’t know what normal looks like anymore and our expectations are greater than ever. It’s a lot to wade through.

But why would coming with unbrushed hair make them feel unimportant? Maybe I don't brush hair not because I don't care about them but simply because I don't see why this specific aspect is important?

It’s a reflection on them as well. If you don’t care about your appearance it raises questions about them in turn. Some might wonder about their self-esteem, confidence or standards for the opposite sex.

Social outings, I need to be invited to. If I don't have any friends on the first place and not invited anywhere then how can I even start.

You can find things to do around your interests. Many gather in groups or have outings.

I lost my teaching job because I taught on too high level. Right now I work for non-profit and that work is not in person. I was hired by 70-80 year old man to work there. He hasn't been introducing me to people my age I can date.

Your boss isn’t responsible for finding you someone to date and I wouldn’t advise asking him either. It’s unprofessional.

I guess that was a mistake that I didn't. I guess it never occurred to me that this was relevant to the issue of women: they were all men. But maybe I could have met some women through them?

Why must everything lead to that? You should be willing to form connections for the sake of doing so. Not as an avenue for women.

But you see it feels like she projects her own experience on me. Because SHE had experience when she got a car back when she first come to US, and got scared when someone tried to teach her to drive so she gave up and the car just stood there until it was stolen. But how does she know I can't learn it, unlike her?

I think a lot of your issues are a result of your upbringing. You were coddled too much and weren’t given enough structure. A man can:t lean on his parents. He must be taught how to stand and lead others and provide for himself. Your deficiencies are telling and a firmer hand would have taken you to task about your hygiene and life skills. Telling you to brush your hair isn’t enough. You have to reinforce your expectations as often as required.

Now, what do you think is more accurate:

1) In terms of "innitial" opportunities, others are getting just as few as I did. They simply take advantage of them better, and so more opportunities develop through networks

2) Others get a lot more initial opportunities than I did, due to better appearance, better social skills, and so forth

I think it’s a mixture of both. Sometimes people go unnoticed when they look nice and speak well. There’s no one in the setting that’s attracted to them or a reason to converse. Some people are more personable and will strike up a conversation whether they’re interested or not just because. Some approach the opposite sex when they’re interested and they respond.

So are you saying that I "could" meet people by going to one of those events?

You need to build connections period. Everything can‘t revolve around the opposite sex or be the only reason for interaction. You’ll be very lonely.

What other hobbies are you thinking of?

Whatever you enjoy there’s others who feel the same. I don’t know if meetup is still popular but its an option.

By the way, my mom's friend Yuriy called my mom very concerned that I talk about Asperger over on facebook, along with other stuff that he regards as personal. And Jennifer's friend Heather told me I shouldn't be making racist posts on facebook. Now I was assuming facebook is just my solo hobby: yes I have lots of facebook "friends" but I dont' know most of them (most of them are just friends of friends), and nobody responds to my posts so I assume they don't read them which means I can write anything I like. Or could it be that they do read them, they just don't show it, and this contributes to my social isolation?

Why would you make racist comments at all? Nothing you say online is really anonymous. Especially on social media. You can be found. And if they have the url to the page they can read the posts whether you’re connected unless they’re hidden or only viewable to friends. If you’re making statements on facebook that people find offensive they will avoid you.

However, point remains: people don't respond to my posts in new account either not just old one

That isn’t uncommon. We’re bombarded with information everyday. I stopped accepting dm’s years ago because of it.

The other example of social media is Linkidin. I have Linkidin page but it is very outdated and I don't put much time/effort into it. My mom's friend says that my Linkidin page not looking up to date contributes to my difficulty finding a job.

If you want to use Linkedin to find a job you should update your page and maintain it. Many employers get candidates there and its a nice place to network professionally.

Like I said they weren't approaching me in church.

Communication isn’t one sided. If you want to interact you must be willing to strike up a onversation. You can’t sit back waiting for others to do it for you. This happens a lot with christians. They expect things at church they wouldn’t expect elsewhere.

My parents didn't help either since they were overprotective and so they made it out as if Jennifer was the one who was overdemanding. So it would have helped if I knew people other than my parents who would have given me unbiased opinion.

You’re going to have to learn the things they didn’t teach or were unwilling to reinforce. It’s unfortunate but that’s the case for most. You give yourself the things you didn’t get at home so you’re balanced.

How can I possibly do it if I don't currently have anybody? I can ask questions/ discover interests of Jennifer, Ginger and some other ex-s. But keep in mind, they are from many years ago. So whom do I have in front of me, right now, to ask questions/ discover common interests? But who knows, maybe once someone does talk to me, I would start to focus on her as a person. How can you or I know its not the case if I haven't had such opportunities (outside of my ex-s)?

You can’t expect a woman to make you whole or fill in the gaps. You have a lot to learn and it’s going to take time. Some can be gained through therapy and others will come through friendships. Relationships are more selective and the more mature you are and socially adjusted the easier it will be for you to find someone. Don’t see her as your savior or problem solver. Co-dependency isn’t healthy and it’s draining.

First 4 months were all about me. So it is possible to start out when its about me and then genuinely care about the other person later. In fact from my perspective it seems logical. When I look for a relationship, I can't logically be motivated by caring about hypothetical woman I never met. But after I meet her and interact with her then I begin to care about her. So thats another reason why people shouldn't judge by first impressions.

Relationships require give and take for sustenance. I wouldn’t expect anyone to do what she did and you should be willing to give equally from the start. You continue to mention first impressions while ignoring your behavior. If you were more concerned about others you’d have more connections in spite of your problems. You want everyone to care about you and help you. But you’re a stranger too and your demands are plentiful.

But maybe it would have helped me not to feel that way if I had other friends from whom I would have learned that those demands are normal for a relationship its not just Jennifer. But because I don't have friends I am all very isolated and thats why I don't learn things I should have learned.

Your parents were supposed to teach you that. Not your friends. Everything you’re asking of others was their responsibility. You’re at a disadvantage because of them and your choices. Expecting others to do their job isn’t fair. It’s not their fault.

~bella

 

[Roman57]

The world you knew at that time has changed. There’s a lot of frustration and strife amongst the sexes and many are giving up and going it alone.

Its very good you brought it up because that is something I been wondering about myself too. Like I mentioned in OP, I had some positive encounters, albeit very few, in a distant past, but not any more. So I have been wondering whether it my age or whether the world has changed, or both. Now you said that yes, its what I have suspected.

So can you explain why there is more strife between sexes now than there has been in the past? Things like sexual harassment and discrimination in the workplace were always there. But, since I am asking "what changed", did some of it got worse past few years? If so, what happened?

By the way, one of the secretaries to whom that old man introduced me to, told me that there was a survey asking women what is scarrier in the forest: a man or a bear. And most answered man is scarrier. Is this also a recent phenomenon? Do you think they would have answered the same if the survey was conducted 10 or 20 years ago?

There’s also the unfortunate reality of the internet and social media. We don’t know what normal looks like anymore and our expectations are greater than ever. It’s a lot to wade through.

Yeah, I hate internet. Not even from dating point of view but from the point of view of it being a disraction and very addictive. I remember before Obama's second term some people were afraid Obama would disconnect the internet. And I was thinking to myself "I wish he would; then I would study physics and math books without disraction like I once did". And now that there is AI it makes it ten times worse. If it was up to me I would want AI to go for sure. Because students use AI to cheat so who knows what they know any more. And what if one day AI would solve all my physics problems?

But, back to the dating question. I wasn't actually asking why they don't reply to me on dating apps. I was asking why they don't approach me in person. Or are you saying that nowadays they are primarily looking for the internet to date? If that was the case, I wouldn't be complaining. What bothers me is that I do see ppl talk to each other in person (such as the example with them talking on a treadmill and then asking each other what their name is). Or are you saying that yes they talk in person but their criteria in person are heavily influenced by the internet, and so that guy and girl must have liked each other enough to beat all those online competitors?

Your boss isn’t responsible for finding you someone to date and I wouldn’t advise asking him either. It’s unprofessional.

Okay I am not sure whom you are referring to since I gave you two examples. But anyway,

1) The 70 year old who was giving me rides in 2024 and introduced me to two secretaries wasn't my boss. But the 50 year old who invited me to lunches in 2014 and introduced me to female colleague was, in fact, my boss.

2) In both cases, introductions were their ideas not mine.

3) In both cases their intention was not dating. The 50 year old introduced me to her as a colleague the same way he introduced me to his male colleagues. The 70 year old introduced me to those secretaries so that I can practice social skills. Now, in case of 70 yar old I secretly had my own idea of "what if they will date me" on the back of my mind, but that wasn't his intention.

4) I did, however, ask the 70 year old why they stopped talking to me after they did, and he refused to do it. I didn't ask the 50 year old for any follow up conversation since in that case it was just one time encounter.

What happened with the 70 year old was that I was sitting doing my work, he asked me to stand up so that he can pick up some of his stuff from the above. I was mildly annoyed but I didn't say anything other than sigh and frustrated look. Then after that he said he saw me walking down the street and he offered to give me rides. So I agreed. Then he was giving me rides on regular basis. Then during one of those rides he said he wanted to walk with me into my house and ask my roommate to talk to me so I can practice social skills. I was explaining to him its inappropriate. He wouldn't back down and insisted he had to do it. I kept saying no. Then, after 10 minutes of my refusal of him talking to my roommate he suggested something else that he would talk to the secretaries and ask them to talk to me. I said "yes that is much better" because at least he won't be walking into anybody's house.

My theory is that older men are like that. I have at least a couple of other similar examples. I once came to Russian church, and an old man tried to match me up with someone the first day I came. Also there is an older man I been in correspondence to past two years that keeps sending me matches most of whom are scammers but he doesn't get that. Now that I type this, I am wondering, could THIS be the reason behind "dirty old man" stereotype I been asking about in OP? Except that the men I am talking about are like 70, while the stereotype in question is affecting me when I am in my 40s. Still would be interesting to know how age affects mans behavior and whether there is any truth behind men getting creepier when they are older and, if so, whats the reason behind it.

Anyway, I realize the 70 year old was not a good example. The reason I brought it up is because you mentioned "workplace" as one of the options. And this was the only example of a workplace I could think of. Maybe its because I didn't have too many jobs: I spent most of the time going back and forth between graduate school and postdocs, so this was my only real job.

Why must everything lead to that? You should be willing to form connections for the sake of doing so. Not as an avenue for women.

I agree. Its too bad I didn't realize it back then.

I think a lot of your issues are a result of your upbringing. You were coddled too much

I agree. Too bad my parents didn't understand it. They thought that due to my Asperger they must protect me. But this is precisely what created the problem.

He must be taught how to stand and lead others and provide for himself.

When I finished my first year of graduate school, at the age of 22, I was going to look for a job for the summer. But my parents stopped me. They both told me they can provide for me, I should focus on my studies.

Right now my mom realizes that it was a mistake. She said my grandmother (her mom) was always saying I should work, and she didn't realize she was right till recently. I think she says this because she became very sick and retired, so she finds it burdensome that she has to still provide for me.

However, even now, she says that things like MacDonalds aren't for me. What she is saying to me now is I should work in a lab. And I don't want to work in a lab because I want to be theoretical physicist not applied physicist. It seems like she assumes I won't make it into theoretical physics because its too compeititve so I should just face reality, but I don't want to give up something that was my dream since I was 9.

My mom says that the reason we have this discussion is because she didn't listen to my grandma earlier. If I had jobs throughout adulthood like my grandma wanted me to have then we wouldn't be arguing about it.

However, despite realizing she was wrong in this one aspect, she still doesn't realize she was wrong in other things. Like I mentioned, she was too scared for me to learn to drive a car. Also when the idea of postdoc in China came up two years ago she got scared, despite the fact that I did postdocs in India. Neither of us knew that that place in China was one of the best places in the world (it was Tsinghua University). But now that I realized it a year too late, the professor who wanted to arrange postdoc for me there was no longer interested.

I realize its partly my own fault I didn't look it up when I should have. But my mom could have looked it up too. She didn't, because all she could think of is being afraid of me being so far away. So she still treats me like a little kid.

Your deficiencies are telling and a firmer hand would have taken you to task about your hygiene and life skills. Telling you to brush your hair isn’t enough. You have to reinforce your expectations as often as required.

I do remember brushing my hair as a teenager -- but only to get them off my back. Are you saying they should have reinforced expectations with something of reward/punishment nature?

The other thing is: their concern was "not" to teach me to brush my hair but rather make sure its done. One evidence for it is that they were putting in the chair of my room the clothes that they want me to put on when I go to school. Thus, they made sure my clothes all match, but they didn't teach me how to do the same.

Maybe that also connects to how my mom was opposed to it when I went to graduate school far away from home (I went far away like I wanted to, she couldn't stop me, but there was a lot of fights). I was thinking "does she think I can't cook? I surely can!" But maybe what I didn't realize is that her concern might have been something else: namely, she didn't teach me to dress properly, etc. because she was counting on my relying on her to do it, and so when I unexpectedly left home and there was nobody to give me matching clothes, thats when my social problems got worse.

I do remember that my father was always upset both with my mom and, especially, my grandmother (moms mom), for doing stuff like that for me. My father didn't get along with my grandmother anyway which I guess was the famous in-law problems. But since I was the center of everyone's attention (the only child, and my parents are only children too), most of the fights, including in-law fights, revolved around how to raise me. So like I said, my father was saying my grandma was leaving me unprepared to face the world by doing stuff for me, and he was saying my life would be hard once my grandmother is not around and it would be her fault. My grandma was saying my dad was "teaching me to argue" because she was hearing us shouting at each other about physics on our way home, so she was saying I will be arguing with others too and they won't tolerate it. Now looking back, I see they are both right. I allienate people by arguing too much (what grandmother predicted) and I don't dress properly (what my dad predicted).

You need to build connections period. Everything can‘t revolve around the opposite sex or be the only reason for interaction. You’ll be very lonely.

Yeah I agree with that now, too bad I didn't realize it before.

Still though, I do need to find opposite sex too. So I need both things. Connections in general, and relationship with opposite sex.

Speaking of interaction with men, I interacted with one guy probably in his 30-s in church in Arizona last year. I am not there any more, now I am in California. Are you suggesting I should call him up more, even though it would be long distance interaction? I don't see how it would help, because it didn't help last year in any way. But maybe that interaction was focused on a Bible, and I need interactions that are less one sided.

Whatever you enjoy there’s others who feel the same. I don’t know if meetup is still popular but its an option.

Thanks for reminding me of that, I will try it.

Why would you make racist comments at all? Nothing you say online is really anonymous. Especially on social media. You can be found. And if they have the url to the page they can read the posts whether you’re connected unless they’re hidden or only viewable to friends. If you’re making statements on facebook that people find offensive they will avoid you.

As I said I am a theoretical physicist, but I like to theorize about other things too: not for career, just a hobby. So it is interesting to sit down, look at different social issues, and come up with a theory how they are all connected. And then post that theory on facebook. So I wasn't trying to be racist, its simply that some of my speculations about stuff veered in that direction. And no, it wasn't related to the stuff I am complaining about now. So it wasn't affecting me personally, and I was very calm when I wrote it. I just liked to theorize.

That isn’t uncommon. We’re bombarded with information everyday. I stopped accepting dm’s years ago because of it.

Is this also why people judge by first impressions: they don't have time to sit down and process things?

If you want to use Linkedin to find a job you should update your page and maintain it. Many employers get candidates there and its a nice place to network professionally.

I didn't realize I can use linkidin to find jobs. I was more thinking of what my mom's friend told me they can look at my Linkidin page, and then I was skeptical because the CV that I send them along with statement of purpose, recommendation letters, etc. gives them everything they need.

The way I look for jobs is by using academicjobs.com, mathjobs.org, SPIRES and other similar sites. I didn't know Linkidin can be used this way too.

Communication isn’t one sided. If you want to interact you must be willing to strike up a onversation. You can’t sit back waiting for others to do it for you. This happens a lot with christians. They expect things at church they wouldn’t expect elsewhere.

The reason I sit and wait for others to approach me is combination of the following:

1) I want people to actually like me rather than respond because they are polite. So if someone else approaches me, that would feel much better from that point of view

2) I am afraid what if I approach them and they rebuff me. That would feel awful

3) I don't really know how to approach people anyway, how others do that

You’re going to have to learn the things they didn’t teach or were unwilling to reinforce. It’s unfortunate but that’s the case for most.

When you said thats the case for most, are you saying most people's parents also failed to teach them stuff just like mine did?

You can’t expect a woman to make you whole or fill in the gaps. You have a lot to learn and it’s going to take time.

I don't have time. I am already 45. Even now its very late. I can't afford to wait till I am 50.