I hate the lows too Dabro.....i just swung into a depression about a week ago quite suddenly. It sux so bad. I hate the self-loathing too....what in particular, if at all, are you thinking about that makes you feel self-loathing? or is it a generalized feeling?
Regarding self-loathing, neuro-chemistry aside, i was thinking about what exactly makes me think this way. i was trying to articulate to someone the thoughts i have when going through that dark tunnel. When i break down what's beneath the self-loathing, what i find is shame, humiliation and a lack of personal dignity. Aside from the helplessness, hopelessness, boredom, loneliness, anxiety, inert brain function and that difficulty in imagining that you will eventually come out of it....aside from all that, i ask myself, why do we self-loath? Why do we feel worthless? Why do we feel like such losers and isolate ourselves from others. I realize or at least, i think that part of it, at least for me, has to do with the stigma. Unlike other illnesses that people can see and are therefore a lot more sympathetic and understanding, mental illness is not one of them.
This is an invisible disease and one that impairs your will and your ability to exert self-control in your perception of self. In my experience, though i really couldn't give a frack what others think about me at the end of the day, i still hate to be treated or viewed as a weak -willed "crazy" person. We grow up in a society with certain expectations and a definition of what "success" is....even in the christian world. So it's no wonder i feel self-loathing when these internalized expectations aren't met.....it's no wonder i feel humiliated and shamed when I'm not taken seriously or the illness i struggle with is minimized continuously.
I recently heard the voicemail of an angry mother telling my clinically depressed friend who was suicidal and hospitalized the following statement: "other people have problems worse than yours, we all have problems...so just pick yourself up and stop thinking this way." I thought to myself, imagine going to the hospital and telling your paraplegic son, "c'mon, pull yourself together....get out of that wheel chair and just walk already".
People in "happy land" just don't get it....they don't want to accept that the brain is an organ that can malfunction just like any other organ and to make matters worse, unless they see blood shooting out the side of your head, then it's assumed you can control your feelings/behavior....which therefore implies the fault lies with you.
Just know that you are not alone in these thoughts/feelings....you are not weak or a failure. You are the son of the living God...a treasure in a jar of clay. Remember that you are not alone in your suffering.....that we too share your suffering as your brothers and sisters and most of all, Christ shares your suffering and weeps with you. THe fact that you are still alive proves how strong you really are. It is not your fault----the real you is not the disease. All those thoughts that seem so real now is the disease talking. These overwhelming feelings and tortured thoughts will eventually stop plaguing your mind when you return to your base norm again. In other words, you WILL come out of it as you always have.
Have you gone to see your Dr. or therapist since this episode began?
