ocd 'feelings'

[dees5186]

does anyone else have trouble when spiking or triggered
separating real emotion from ocd thoughts? when i get going after
an 'upset' my thoughts just go and go. and i fear that deep down they
are my true feelings. on a situation that i would normally be very
happy about, i'm feeling all kinds of negative. very worried thats how
i really feel. then those horrible thoughts come in and fear that i am
thinking them on purpose at my own will because that is how i really
feel. feel that i am really selfish and vile at my core. feel that is who
i am. i am disgusted that i would be that way. and it's frightening.
does anyone else go thru stages with ocd?
a brief period of quiet? i don't trust the quiet, worry when there is
'nothing' to worry about. it means something. then anger, frustration,
doubt, feel like giving in, then an i dont care attitude? sadness, loss,
regret, my fault? sometimes feel like the title ocd is a cop out. feel
at my core this is who i am. even after a breif respite, something
happens, mess up (again) go too far and am now lost. a reprobate
mind. know the difference between a pop up thought and regular
thought. when i get going on something, my thoughts are not pop
up ones. they are mine. purposeful thoughts. cant win.

 

[dabro]

Just you experiencing fear and distress is a clear sign of a disorder but that ain't going to help you. I would say yes I have a hard time really trying to figure out if I'm dead or not when I'm spiking but that goes for everyone with OCD. Also try not to do so much reassuance seeking and let the dark power float. In time you'll learn how to cope and the when you believe in yourself you'll get better. Now I know the doubt of Will I get better or believe in myself happen? Yes just give it time.

 

[dees5186]

thanks for your reply. about to take my first prozac in just a little bit. feel like after
a spike or trigger, feel like, i dont care-whatever, but then start to worry about that.
and worry if i dont worry. then feel like running back to the Lord like an misbehaved
child wondering if i have gone too far yet again. sorry for the reassurance seeking so
much. had a psych. consult last week and was told i needed mood stabilizers.
refused because wanted something strictly for ocd to get the thoughts under
control. maybe i should have taken the mood stabilizer. always worry in the back
of my mind that this is who i am. very hard to get around that.

 

[dabro]

Thats understandable. I hope everything works out for you and I will pray for you!

 

[jesuslover94]

I'm the same way. I can never tell what thoughts are mine or the OCD. A lot of the time the intrusive thoughts are my voice, and they are so strong and loud it, over takes what I'm actually saying. And my OCD convinces me of stuff, like one time it convinced me it was okay to kidnap kids (I realized later that it's wrong). I can never get a break, seriously. I'm scared God left me, because I've been horrible. And it affects my emotions, and feelings. Sometimes I don't even know who I am or whatever. And it also scares me, cause sometimes I have a temper and I snap and have mental breakdowns. Sorry for the long reply, probably not any help, just know you're not alone. It stinks :/

 

[dees5186]

wanted to let you know that i really get what you are saying. it effects my emotions
and feelings ALL the time. still feel these are 'my' thoughts not ocd. i also have a
temper and can get pretty worked up then the thoughts come in. thats when i really
get worried about what i have thought. there might have been a trigger but still worry. in full disclosure, i have unwanted thoughts a great majority of the time
with any number of triggers, mad, upset or not. and you are right, it really stinks.
let's find comfort in the fact that God understands and knows what is going on.
and God is indeed merciful. thanks for responding to my post.