Obsessed with death

[Inkachu]

Does anyone else struggle with thoughts of death? Wondering about it, thinking about it, trying to imagine it, trying to reconcile with the inevitability of it, fearing it, being morbidly curious about it?

I'm not sure where my fixation with death comes from. I've struggled with hypochondria before, and I think that stems from a myriad of medical issues I had as a child that were frightening and alien to me. I've also had periods where I was going through horrible anxiety, and that often manifests as me worrying about being sick or dying.

I also think I've got a lot of "unrealized" stuff in life; I'm talking about things I never got to do, never got to experience, and sometimes I feel like my life has just been slipping away from me all these years, and I'll suddenly find myself old and facing death with all these regrets and unrealized hopes and dreams. I've had full-on panic episodes just from thinking about my age, and how ruthless Time is, how I can never go back, I can only get older. And I'm not OLD at all, I'm only 36.

I've also found myself fascinated with reading about near death experiences (NDE's) lately. Then last night, I came across a documentary called "How To Die In Oregon" which is about physician assisted suicide, and I felt compelled to watch it. It was horribly depressing, but I couldn't stop feeling like I needed to try and understand what was happening as each person faced and approached death.

Sometimes I sit and think about how we're going to be "changed" when we get to Heaven. Almost all people who experience an NDE say that they either have no memory of their former life and identity, or it's very minimal, where it's so distant and foreign that it's really not a part of them anymore (in Heaven). The thought of being so different that I can't even remember this earthly life, who I was, what I did... that's extremely unsettling to me.

Anyway, these are just my rambly thoughts. If anyone else has dealt with similar thoughts, feel free to share. If you found something that helped you through it or helped you overcome it, please share that, too.

 

[knw1991]

I haven't experienced it. I fear dying because I don't think I'm saved and I know I'll die without ever fulfilling or experiencing the dreams I had. Are you going through any emotions that make you interested in death or that it would be better to die than live. Sorry if I'm being insensitive or judgemental I was just wondering if you were feeling sad or anything

 

[Inkachu]

No, you aren't being any of that lol. Ask anything you want.

I certainly don't feel it would be better to die than live. On the contrary, I love being alive. Sometimes I wonder if I worry about death because I feel guilty that I love life so much. I think about the verses that say we shouldn't love this world, we shouldn't love this life too much... and I feel like I might. I feel like, as Christians, we should be ready and raring to go (die) at any time because Heaven is so much better than this life. And I don't want to die... and that makes me feel guilty, too...

Yeah, I'm a mess lol.

 

[ToBeBlessed]

No, you aren't being any of that lol. Ask anything you want.

I certainly don't feel it would be better to die than live. On the contrary, I love being alive. Sometimes I wonder if I worry about death because I feel guilty that I love life so much. I think about the verses that say we shouldn't love this world, we shouldn't love this life too much... and I feel like I might. I feel like, as Christians, we should be ready and raring to go (die) at any time because Heaven is so much better than this life. And I don't want to die... and that makes me feel guilty, too...

Yeah, I'm a mess lol.

I think most of this comes from your childhood. It was traumatic to have all those health problems and at a young age you had to come to some kind of acceptance of it. You and your mind probably dealt with it the best you could, but no one knows at a young age how to approach a subject like death.

Our minds do the best they can.

Now, maybe when you get high anxiety it brings you back to the subject of death because it's a trigger almost for you. Like it takes you back to the subject that caused you so much anxiety way back when.

I don't think it's good for you to obsess about it now however. Your life is in today, this moment. One day we will all pass from this world, but God doesn't want it for you now, so you have a lot of living to do!

 

[Inkachu]

Thanks for your thoughts, TBB. I agree that it's not good, and I definitely WANT to overcome it and change. It's definitely a lifelong process of understanding where all of this comes from, what the triggers are, how to get through a bad spell... it's exhausting sometimes, just being me

 

[ToBeBlessed]

Thanks for your thoughts, TBB. I agree that it's not good, and I definitely WANT to overcome it and change. It's definitely a lifelong process of understanding where all of this comes from, what the triggers are, how to get through a bad spell... it's exhausting sometimes, just being me

It's exhausting being me too. I Have a cute clinical depression. Not cute.

Pray. Pray. Pray. Cast your cares upon him. His yoke is light and our burdensare heavy.

Dear Lord, I pray for Ichachu that she will get relief from her troubles and learn to cast her cares on you. Lord you are always there, we know from your word that you will never leave is or forsake us. May Ichaachu learn to sense you loving presence around her. May she take solace in knowing she is never alone.

Lord please touch her heart so she realizes you are her best friend. You are the only perfect one and she can trust her heart to you. I ask this in your son Jesus name. Amen

 

[Chococat]

I haven't experienced it. I fear dying because I don't think I'm saved and I know I'll die without ever fulfilling or experiencing the dreams I had. Are you going through any emotions that make you interested in death or that it would be better to die than live. Sorry if I'm being insensitive or judgemental I was just wondering if you were feeling sad or anything

I hope you don't mind me replying to your post but if you are a Christian who has repented of her sins and asked Jesus into your heart then you are saved. We are saved by grace not by works. Also you need to change the message under your username immediately as you are NOT "worthless". God doesn't do worthless. He sent His Son to die for you so He obviously thinks you, like everyone else on this earth is of infinite worth. It is Satan who is telling you that you are worthless and he must be delighted with that word under your name because it proves you have believed his lies. I don't know you but it hurts my heart to see you or anyone believing they are worthless. I am praying for you that God reveals to you just how valuable you are

 

[ToBeBlessed]

Also you need to change the message under your username immediately as you are NOT "worthless". God doesn't do worthless. He sent His Son to die for you so He obviously thinks you, like everyone else on this earth is of infinite worth.

Yes. Change that Worthless to some thing else! Good call

 

[Inkachu]

It's exhausting being me too. I Have a cute clinical depression. Not cute.

Pray. Pray. Pray. Cast your cares upon him. His yoke is light and our burdensare heavy.

Dear Lord, I pray for Ichachu that she will get relief from her troubles and learn to cast her cares on you. Lord you are always there, we know from your word that you will never leave is or forsake us. May Ichaachu learn to sense you loving presence around her. May she take solace in knowing she is never alone.

Lord please touch her heart so she realizes you are her best friend. You are the only perfect one and she can trust her heart to you. I ask this in your son Jesus name. Amen

That is SO kind and sweet. Thank you, TBB

 

[FireDragon76]

I think its normal to think about death, it's just reality... don't be hard on yourself for thinking about something that's very relevant to the human condition just because our culture is in denial about death.

I remember being a bit obsessive about death starting around age 5... but at other times such things went away.

I've always had a fascination with near death experiences, though when I was a teenager and went through a borderline fundamentalist/evangelical phase (before becoming irreligious), I considered most of it occult or satanic. Now I think that mindset is ridiculous.

One thing I didn't realize is that many children who are of a certain age and undergo open-heart surgery experience near-death experiences, much moreso than adults. I had open heart surgery around a year old, so I sometimes wonder if that influenced me subconsciously- I have no memory being that young. But I always wonder why I'm spiritually inclined when most of my family is not.

I had fear one time I would not be able to fulfill my hopes. So, I just prayed about it. And God did answer my prayers... in his own time, and after I had totally let go of the outcome. So, I would take those hopes, dreams, and even fears to God in prayer. But be sincere about those hopes... search yourself and make sure they really come from your heart, that they are what you really, really want.. what you must have, and be willing to accept whatever comes your way.

Being changed doesn't scare me too much... isn't that what being born again and repentance is about? Of course, I had an experience with ketamine during a medical procedure a few months ago that was sort of like what people talk about in those NDE's. It was like my self went into a blender or my life melted away and I died, flying down a dark tunnel with twinkly lights on the spiral walls and just entering a timeless state of peace that seemed to last forever. I was shocked when I woke up, I was so much at peace, I started crying in the recovery room because I was so sad to be back in this life (at the time I was just fed up going to church, in so much pain, so many medical issues, and a bit despondent and giving up... and a bit scared before I went into the procedure and went under the anesthesia). For a few days I did not feel like my old self at all (and for the first time in my life I got motion sickness and panic attacks in cars). Actually, maybe that's a good thing because it prompted me to start changing out of my old worn out pattern and try new things.

I'm more afraid of dying now days because I'll leave people I love behind, and some of them I worry about how they would manage without me. Going to an Old Catholic Church (we do not teach "once saved, always saved"), I guess I worry a bit about my soul but I try to believe God loves me and won't let me go just because I worry.

 

[Nephris]

Very much so. I've been in the system for a long time to see that neither God nor Psychiatric science can really help, maybe they can help some people but maybe they aren't as bad as me. I know what I have to do to make the pain stop, but I'm scared. Scared not just that it's gonna hurt, but if I survive, God, my prison warden, will punish me for trying to escape by paralyzing me for life and showing me a whole new definition to the word 'suffering'.

 

[Inkachu]

FireDragon - thanks for your thoughts. Sometimes I'm nothing but a scared little kid inside. All I can do is believe that God knows that about me, and try to still trust Him, that He'll take care of me and help me through my fears. Of course I wish I could just NOT be afraid. It's too bad there isn't some magic "fear erasing" pill. There are so many passages in the Bible about fear and NOT being afraid, it's obvious that God knows we're prone to fear and He doesn't want that for us. But by the same token, the fact that I still struggle with fear makes me feel bad sometimes, like I'm not "doing it right" when it comes to my faith and relationship with God.

Nephris - would you like to share a little more about yourself and your story? It sounds like you're in the midst of a pretty bad struggle right now. You're welcome to share here in this thread, if you want.

 

[Nephris]

FireDragon - thanks for your thoughts. Sometimes I'm nothing but a scared little kid inside. All I can do is believe that God knows that about me, and try to still trust Him, that He'll take care of me and help me through my fears. Of course I wish I could just NOT be afraid. It's too bad there isn't some magic "fear erasing" pill. There are so many passages in the Bible about fear and NOT being afraid, it's obvious that God knows we're prone to fear and He doesn't want that for us. But by the same token, the fact that I still struggle with fear makes me feel bad sometimes, like I'm not "doing it right" when it comes to my faith and relationship with God.

Nephris - would you like to share a little more about yourself and your story? It sounds like you're in the midst of a pretty bad struggle right now. You're welcome to share here in this thread, if you want.

Thanks, I dont want to hijack your thread and I've been talking about my problems for years and I hate Brothering people but it hurts so much sometimes I Just can't hold it in anymore.

Its something unexplainable that no one has understood, I feel a pain a everyday that makes my why body and mine feel squeezed, suffocated and burning at the same time. There's nothing wrong with me physiologically and I've been on a plethora of psych meds.

After years of therapt one day a chaplain told me to accept my lot in life, so I been trying

 

[Inkachu]

Thanks, I dont want to hijack your thread and I've been talking about my problems for years and I hate Brothering people but it hurts so much sometimes I Just can't hold it in anymore.

Its something unexplainable that no one has understood, I feel a pain a everyday that makes my why body and mine feel squeezed, suffocated and burning at the same time. There's nothing wrong with me physiologically and I've been on a plethora of psych meds.

After years of therapt one day a chaplain told me to accept my lot in life, so I been trying

You won't hijack my thread This thread is for anyone who struggles with thoughts of death.

What have your medical doctors said about your condition? Have you been through thorough and complete medical exams and tests?

I would be shocked that a chaplain would just tell you to accept things as they are. That's an awful thing to say to someone who's suffering. Even if you can't be completely cured of your condition (whatever it may be) there should still be encouragement for comfort and help.

 

[Nephris]

You won't hijack my thread This thread is for anyone who struggles with thoughts of death.

What have your medical doctors said about your condition? Have you been through thorough and complete medical exams and tests?

I would be shocked that a chaplain would just tell you to accept things as they are. That's an awful thing to say to someone who's suffering. Even if you can't be completely cured of your condition (whatever it may be) there should still be encouragement for comfort and help.

Thanks, ya I agree. Its been tough last few years and basically I'm just losing everything one by one and it doesnt look like things will ever get better. I used to comfort myself that life in heaven would be my dream life but it seems like the official Christian belief is that its either going to be an endless worship session in heaven and or a slightly better life here on earth if non existence is an option i pray God will make an exception for me.

 

[FireDragon76]

Nephris, have you considered the possibility of fibromyalgia?

I have that as well, and it's gotten better in the past couple of months. But I still have days where it feels like I have a burning sensation in my arms and legs. At one time it felt like my whole body was on fire. There are a lot of treatments now for fibromyalgia, many of them non-pharmaceutical.

 

[Inkachu]

Thanks, ya I agree. Its been tough last few years and basically I'm just losing everything one by one and it doesnt look like things will ever get better. I used to comfort myself that life in heaven would be my dream life but it seems like the official Christian belief is that its either going to be an endless worship session in heaven and or a slightly better life here on earth if non existence is an option i pray God will make an exception for me.

Oh, NO WAY. Don't fall for such mediocre thinking! Try reading the passages in the Bible about Heaven for yourself, and ask the Holy Spirit to give you some understanding and hope about it. I think it's hard, maybe even impossible, for us to accurately imagine Heaven, but I think that's because we're SO limited here on earth by our brains, our senses, and our ways of thinking. Heaven is going to be a.mazing.

 

[Inkachu]

Nephris, have you considered the possibility of fibromyalgia?

I have that as well, and it's gotten better in the past couple of months. But I still have days where it feels like I have a burning sensation in my arms and legs. At one time it felt like my whole body was on fire. There are a lot of treatments now for fibromyalgia, many of them non-pharmaceutical.

Maybe Nephris can give us a bit more info about what he's actually experiencing as symptoms?

 

[ToBeBlessed]

Maybe Nephris can give us a bit more info about what he's actually experiencing as symptoms?

Yes Nephris we need to know more about your symptoms. We are here to help.