Not sure how to express this, :( lost and damned

[R.J]

edit: deleted , feeling to embarressed to have this post out there. Sorry for taking up forumspace, don't know how to delete the whole thread.

 

[bluelime2]

Well you're only lost if you're not found. If you want to be found then just wave your arms and ask. God will hear.

If he could forgive the apostle Paul who murdered christians before giving his life over to christ and then wrote two thirds of the new testament, then he can forgive you. If you want it, just ask for it. Christ didn't die for nothing. He died so you could be forgiven and follow him. No one is too 'dirty' or far gone that God can't dig them out of the pit. And christ died so that 'we could have life, and life more abundantly'.

He's for us not against us. (We're his kids afterall.)

 

[R.J]

Thanks bluelime for your post. I probably should have not edited my original post would have been nice to just let it all out. However it did help just writing it even though I deleted it in the end.
Have deceided to visit a church tomorrow. No to pray or anything but just to sit and "meditate" or whatever one wants to call it. Focus and sort through my thoughts. Not sure what the outcome will be, probably nothing but I want to do it nevertheless. Something is drawing me towards christianity, me signing up here for one is a sign of that.

Liked what you wrote about Paul, puts things in perspective. I feel I have done so much bad things but I have never harmed another human being. The only one I have made suffer is myself.
When it comes to religion I have studied and read alot since it's a topic I find interesting. I "know" the chances for the god of the bible to exist is very slim but still I am not an atheist. My problem just is I have a black heart, I am like a moth attracted to a flame and the flame is selfdestruction and negative energy. All my life those have been the things I have been drawn to. But I have caused myself enough harm as it is, I need to sort myself out.
What is hard though is I truely feel if the bible is true and the devil exists then I am one of his people. I would rather burn in hell then be in heaven. It's not logical but I still feel this way. I don't know why I have this desire to merge myself in everything that is negative, I just do. Perhaps I can change this, I'm going to try at least.

 

[FutureAndAHope]

I asked the LORD for a verse for you, from the bible. This is what I got.

Hag 2:23 "'On that day,' declares the LORD Almighty, 'I will take you, my servant Zerubbabel son of Shealtiel,' declares the LORD, 'and I will make you like my signet ring, for I have chosen you,' declares the LORD Almighty."

From that note how he called the man by name, he knows you personally, and he chooses you. You are like something that he (God) wants to wear with pride. A signet ring was used to sign documents, it had power and authority. God wants you to have his mark on you. So that all those negative thoughts will just vanish away as you understand your purpose. Which is to be a carrier of all of Gods authority. God loves you so he chooses you.

 

[aiki]

Liked what you wrote about Paul, puts things in perspective. I feel I have done so much bad things but I have never harmed another human being. The only one I have made suffer is myself.

Sin is like that. All it causes, in the end, is pain and destruction.

When it comes to religion I have studied and read alot since it's a topic I find interesting. I "know" the chances for the god of the bible to exist is very slim but still I am not an atheist.

"Very slim," eh? Well, I don't think so. I wouldn't be a Christian if I did.

My problem just is I have a black heart, I am like a moth attracted to a flame and the flame is selfdestruction and negative energy. All my life those have been the things I have been drawn to. But I have caused myself enough harm as it is, I need to sort myself out.

Sort yourself out? That's something only God can truly accomplish. You can only make more of what you are; you can only breed more of you. God can give you of Himself and change you fundamentally and forever. Is this truly what you want? Are you willing to give up your past sinful life for the holy life God calls all of us to?

What is hard though is I truely feel if the bible is true and the devil exists then I am one of his people.

Actually, this is exactly what the Bible teaches. Until you are made a "new creature in Christ," you remain under the power of the devil and your own sinful nature.

"And you has He made alive, who were dead in trespasses and sins; wherein in time past you walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air (the devil), the spirit that now works in the children of disobedience. Among whom also we all lived in times past in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind; and were by nature the children of wrath, even as others." Eph. 2:1-3

I would rather burn in hell then be in heaven. It's not logical but I still feel this way. I don't know why I have this desire to merge myself in everything that is negative, I just do. Perhaps I can change this, I'm going to try at least.

"For they that are after the flesh do mind the things of the flesh; but they that are after the Spirit the things of the Spirit. For to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace. Because the carnal mind is enmity against God: for it is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be. So then they that are in the flesh cannot please God." Rom. 8:5-8

"Even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient; being filled with all unrighteousness, fornication, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, debate, deceit, malignity; whisperers, backbiters, haters of god, despiteful, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, without understanding....who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them." Rom. 1:28-32

As I said already, you cannot affect your sinful nature. Only God can do that. And He will have to get you out of the way before this can happen. As you have noted, your inclination is strongly toward what is evil. It will take an act of God to reverse this inclination. Humble yourself before Him and repent of your sin and God will "abundantly pardon" you. Submit your life to God's will and He will begin to transform you into the image of Christ. If you aren't able at this moment to do so, ask God to make you willing. He has done so for countless people before you.

Peace.

 

[R.J]

Thanks FutureandAhope and aiki for your replies.

Like I wrote earlier I was planning to visit a church but hasn't happened yet. Was standing outside for a short while then just kept walking past. Things are different here in scandinavia when it comes to going to church I quess, felt like people would stare funny at me or something since I would be a new face.

aiki hit the nail on the head with a couple of comments, "Sort yourself out? That's something only God can truly accomplish."
I quess that is an attitude in christianity I find hard to accept. To me it seems like a way to diminish the accomplishments of people. Take say a doctor who after studying hard for many years performs a difficult operation. Afterwards it isn't really the doctor who deserves thanks but instead it is god who does.
Feeling pride of accomplishments one has done is something which makes an individual feel joy and desire to excel.
Anyway thanks again for your replies. Will probably write something more here in the future. Take care.

 

[aiki]

aiki hit the nail on the head with a couple of comments, "Sort yourself out? That's something only God can truly accomplish."
I quess that is an attitude in christianity I find hard to accept. To me it seems like a way to diminish the accomplishments of people.

This is exactly what God is doing. At the root of all of our sin is Self and/or Pride. It is out of that part of us that wants to be seen in a good light (or in a better light than the next guy, if possible), that craves self-gratification by whatever means, that sin arises. God cannot have His way in our lives until that part of us, that "old man" the Bible calls it, or the sin nature we inherited from Adam, is done away with. There can't be two on the throne of your life. It will be you or God, but not both. If God is to enter into your life it must be as God, which means He sits on the throne of your life as its Ruler. The average person recoils at the thought, which is why God must be at work drawing us to Himself. We naturally desire to be our own boss, to call all the shots concerning our life, to pursue those things that are most personally gratifying. We understand, even without being directly told, that allowing God into our lives will interfere with such pursuits. So, we are careful to avoid Him and work to find reasons justifying our avoidance. It is, as you say, "hard to accept" salvation for it requires accepting that one cannot save oneself.

May God enable you to be humble enough to walk with Him.

Peace.

 

[bluelime2]

*will add a prayer for you.

 

[Digit]

edit: deleted , feeling to embarressed to have this post out there. Sorry for taking up forumspace, don't know how to delete the whole thread.

Hey RJ, something my wife and I do is have a livejournal account, that only we can see. If we are stressed about something, and just need to get it out of our systems so we feel we've addressed it or dealt with it or whatever, we just write up an entry in that account. No one can see it, and it helps us and afterwards we occasionally feel a little silly - but really, who cares since only we've seen it. Much better than trying to close the barn door after the horse has escaped.