Not sure about this...I'm ambivalent

[dayhiker]

My EX was married in less than a year .. their relationship seems to be doing well.
But them my last GF the relationship felt comfortable for the 1st 2 yrs, but then I started to have 2nd thoughts. So sometimes we need more time and sometimes less.

I have a GF now that said after less than 10 days of being together that she was ready to marry me. I think she is crazy! LOL

 

[blackribbon]

I don't think you can put a number on how long before you get married...it does depend on past experiences and maturity of both parties. I would analyze how realistically I am able to view him and he is viewing me....in other words, I recognize the areas that might be issues when blending of two lives. I would not get married when I am feeling insecure about the relationship...or those insecurity will cross into the marriage. And I believe in reading multiple books on marriage from a Christian viewpoint from multiple authors that I respect. And the books I would recommend the most are The Act of Marriage by Tim & Beverly LaHaye and The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. When you marry someone, you should marry them "as is" which means that you accept them and don't "hope" for changes after you get married.

 

[blackribbon]

I have a GF now that said after less than 10 days of being together that she was ready to marry me. I think she is crazy! LOL

She is/was "in love" with the idea of being "in love". After 10 days you don't know anyone. So in that way, she is crazy.

 

[dayhiker]

Of course we have sent emails back and forth for 6 months almost daily. But we know that people can hid their true self behind an email. Still crazy ...

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

crazy desparate LOL

 

[dayhiker]

lol .. Michelle ... that is true as well.

 

[TheyCallMeDavid]

David the book you keep promoting is not the end all be all of relationship books and is geared more toward young people that have never been in a serious relationship or have never been in a good one. It's not really for people who have loved and lost and are more "mature" IMHO

I never asserted nor think the book is the End All ; but it is a very objectively written Book which alerts the Reader to the things which make for a successful Marriage . Just because someone may have been married before, its doesn't necessarily mean that they now have it all together when it comes to Marriage Mate selection. In fact, people who are now divorced have read the Book and often comment that 'WOW...I wish I would have read this book before I got married' or 'Yeah....I didn't approach it objectively enough' .

The book isn't just for young people although its most likely Young People who are more susceptible at making a huge mistake getting married by thinking all they need are the euphoric feelings with a dose of love for a good marriage.

You are entitled to your opinion Michelle, but please don't squash the Book for it has very important standards and guidelines for anyone considering marriage or re-marriage.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I didn't squash it, but it just seems to ME that every time we talk about a topic like this you are promoting this book. Does it have good things in it? YES but honestly I read it and alot of things in the book I have learned thru being married before and looking at life afterward.

 

[TheyCallMeDavid]

I didn't squash it, but it just seems to ME that every time we talk about a topic like this you are promoting this book. Does it have good things in it? YES but honestly I read it and alot of things in the book I have learned thru being married before and looking at life afterward.

When someone is looking for personal insight on what to objectively look for in a prospective marriage mate, yes...I highly recommend this Book. I don't get a commission check the last Friday of each month I assure you. It is one of the most cogently written books on the vital importance avoiding the common pitfalls leading up to marriage. It should be a mandatory book to read before marriages licenses are dispensed.

If you didn't get much out of it, or if you already knew the information then good for you...but please, lets help Others who may be less informed about THE most important issue in Ones life next to Salvation in Christ.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

just as you are allowed to promote this book as the end all be all of books on relationships, I also am allowed to post my view of it. I suggest people read the amazon reviews and make their own choices. I took your advice and I read the book. I think it is great in some respects and lacking in others, that is MY opinion and I am allowed to express it, just as you are allowed to express how great you think it is. I am not preventing anyone from doing anything. And some people might disagree with you also on the fact that marriage is THE biggest thing besides salvation. Not all are called to be married. And some of us would like to still be married but unfortunately our spouses died!
The bible says that we need to learn to be content in whatever state we are in and I agree with the bible.

 

[blackribbon]

In my opinion, Michelle has never run down the book. She just gave her opinion of it. And yes, David, you do make it sound like it is the end-all book about having a good marriage. I respect the author so I imagine it is a very good book...but honestly, someone looking to get married should be reading multiple books by multiple good solid Christian authors.

Honestly, is this worth even worth having a "discussion" over? Keep recommending the book. Whoever wants to read it will. Whoever doesn't won't. And whoever wants to ask if it would really meet their specific needs, will ask questions of those who have read it (like I did.)

 

[TheyCallMeDavid]

just as you are allowed to promote this book as the end all be all of books on relationships, I also am allowed to post my view of it. I suggest people read the amazon reviews and make their own choices. I took your advice and I read the book. I think it is great in some respects and lacking in others, that is MY opinion and I am allowed to express it, just as you are allowed to express how great you think it is. I am not preventing anyone from doing anything. And some people might disagree with you also on the fact that marriage is THE biggest thing besides salvation. Not all are called to be married. And some of us would like to still be married but unfortunately our spouses died!
The bible says that we need to learn to be content in whatever state we are in and I agree with the bible.

If Marriage isn't second only to Salvation as far as importance and impact in a persons life...then what would you submit is second ?

I already said I don't promote the Book as an 'end all book' -- just that its content is very useful regarding Marriage Mate Selection. There are other very well written books on the subject too.

Who is called to be married and who isn't isn't the issue being discussed here -- the OP is looking for advice on a specific Person she is giving consideration to and is wanting objective insight.

Being content in all situations isn't the issue being discussed here either .

You seem to be a little rattled Michelle...and im not sure you need to be. Do you think so ?

 

[Bass4Jesus]

Two cents embedded. Also, thread tl;dr. So, this'll probably repeat what others have already said.

Don your armor, or stop right here.

Seriously.

I dont' know if it's worth it to post this....i'm taking a chance on it since i'm interested in other christians' feedback on the subject. I feel it would be a help to my very insecure mind because i do think irrationally a lot of the time and worry.

Red flag 1: You confess insecurity.

Red flag 2: You confess that you think irrationally.

Eventually, either one would wear out a S.O. emotionally. Both in combination? Welllllll.........

I have been dating a man who is wonderful in so many ways. The truth is, we really do love each other and i've not had it this before at this level and depth. I know he loves me for sure and committed to only me as I am with him. And he daily assures me of this. We have been together about 6 months now and are talking about marriage. He is a strong christian and we have so much else in common as well.

Red flag 3. Does he know you're insecure? Does he know you think irrationally? If no, there's a problem, because either you've been hiding it or he's not been paying attention. If yes, there's still a problem, 'cause what personality traits would make a man want to marry a woman he knows is insecure and thinks irrationally? And would you want a man like that?

Red flag 3a: "Daily he assures you." Why does he do this? Does he feel he has to? Do things you say to him or the way you behave make him feel he has to? Do you think that's a burden he'll be able to sustain for the long term?

Now he is a bit older. I'm 41 1/2 and he is 58 but it is not something we both sought out. The age difference is just what it is.But maybe some people wouldn't see it that way. He doesn't have a pattern of dating younger people like that and I don't with dating someone that much older (one time before).

Run the clock forward and see if you're okay with that age gap for the rest of your life. It's not a huge gap, but it's significant, especially at this stage of life where things start going wonky -- both physically and behaviorally. When you're 51 he'll be 68. When you're 60 he'll be 77. Etc.

He grew up in Oregon and lived in big cities for much of his life including Nashville for about 15 years and he calls just about every woman 'honey' or 'baby'. He also has been a performer on the violin and fiddle for many years and is extremely good at it. When I"m with him I hear it all the time and a part of me just simply doesn't like it even thought he assures me I'm his real true honey and baby.

Now i"m from a small town in the midwest and not used to this and I know men from the south sometimes talk that way and I can accept that. But he is not truly from the south as he only lived there some years as an adult.

See red flag 1 above.

What do you guys think about this situation? What is your feedback? Am I overreacting? I know I'm a jealous and insecure kind of person as that has shown itself in the past.

Jealously and insecurity and irrational thought patterns don't belong in a relationship, let alone in a marriage.

Going out on a limb here, but my guess is that you're attracted to him because he's got the personality you want: outgoing (not insecure), thinks rationally, older (mature/got his act together), accomplished musician (popularity & acceptance). Oftentimes we're attracted to people we want to become. KT Tunstall's song Suddenly I See would be worth a listen. Look for it on Youtube and specify "lyrics" in your search. The undercurrent of resentment in the choruses is palpable. Brilliant. (This board won't let me supply a link to the song; on that matter a certain quote from Avril Lavigne would be appropriate but I'll be a good boy and hold my tongue.)

Get into the Word. Realize your worth. Tell Satan you're done with him and the tricks he's been playing on you all these years. Take your authority and use it. Tell him he's trespassing on God's property. Tell him to take this cancer he's burdened you with all these years and hit the road. IMO that's Job One before any serious M/F relationship.

Best of luck and God Bless.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

all good points Bass4Jesus!

 

[Javanwarbler]

I don't think you can put a number on how long before you get married...it does depend on past experiences and maturity of both parties. I would analyze how realistically I am able to view him and he is viewing me....in other words, I recognize the areas that might be issues when blending of two lives. I would not get married when I am feeling insecure about the relationship...or those insecurity will cross into the marriage. And I believe in reading multiple books on marriage from a Christian viewpoint from multiple authors that I respect. And the books I would recommend the most are The Act of Marriage by Tim & Beverly LaHaye and The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. When you marry someone, you should marry them "as is" which means that you accept them and don't "hope" for changes after you get married.

Bolded part...this. I want to be in that situation so I've tried to cover all the bases as far was potential conflict areas. not been easy but worth it!

And I think The Five Love Languages would be a good book. I was thinking of reading it

 

[Javanwarbler]

He is 58. He isn't going to change because this is not a conscious thing. It is very normal southern speech pattern and 15 years IS long enough for something to become engrained and a part of who you are. Is this really the topic you want to lose him over? Most likely he calls sweet carbonated beverages "soda" or "coke" while you call them "pop" and you have other differences in normal speech.

I definitely don't want to lose him over this so I confronted him and though we argued we worked through it and have a better understanding where the other is coming from and it has strengthened us more. We both know we need God and none of it will work unless we have Him at the center of it all. This reminder brings us around to the prospective he and I need to have

I think you need to ask him to come up with a pet name or names that are specific to you so you know when he is using a word of "endearment" versus a general greeting. Assume that "honey" and "baby" are words that mean nothing...even when he is speaking to you and then you won't be jealous.

Yeah, we have some unique names for each other actually!

And I personally don't see your age difference to be much of a difference because you are really are in a very similar place in life and your "youth" will probably help keep him youthful.

It hasn't been an issue for either of us...we both don't think it matters too much as long as there is real love and connection there

I wish you happiness.

Thanks!

 

[Javanwarbler]

Two cents embedded. Also, thread tl;dr. So, this'll probably repeat what others have already said.

Don your armor, or stop right here.

Seriously.



Red flag 1: You confess insecurity.

Red flag 2: You confess that you think irrationally.

Eventually, either one would wear out a S.O. emotionally. Both in combination? Welllllll.........

Yeah those 2 things i have to be careful of....he is very understanding and has said he'll 'ride the wave' with me but I'm trying to get better at not being those 2 things and letting go what i need to let go

Red flag 3. Does he know you're insecure? Does he know you think irrationally? If no, there's a problem, because either you've been hiding it or he's not been paying attention. If yes, there's still a problem, 'cause what personality traits would make a man want to marry a woman he knows is insecure and thinks irrationally? And would you want a man like that?
He does know...he loves me for other strong reasons

Red flag 3a: "Daily he assures you." Why does he do this? Does he feel he has to? Do things you say to him or the way you behave make him feel he has to? Do you think that's a burden he'll be able to sustain for the long term?

He has always expressed his feelings for me since the beginning.. he does it alot more now than he used to because he didn't do it enough in his first marriage and it was part of the reason that one didn't work. He doens't hold back..I dont' know if it's burden or not but I'm working to be a stronger more confident person now that i see the areas and specific ways i'm not

Run the clock forward and see if you're okay with that age gap for the rest of your life. It's not a huge gap, but it's significant, especially at this stage of life where things start going wonky -- both physically and behaviorally. When you're 51 he'll be 68. When you're 60 he'll be 77. Etc.



See red flag 1 above.



Jealously and insecurity and irrational thought patterns don't belong in a relationship, let alone in a marriage.

Going out on a limb here, but my guess is that you're attracted to him because he's got the personality you want: outgoing (not insecure), thinks rationally, older (mature/got his act together), accomplished musician (popularity & acceptance). Oftentimes we're attracted to people we want to become. KT Tunstall's song Suddenly I See would be worth a listen. Look for it on Youtube and specify "lyrics" in your search. The undercurrent of resentment in the choruses is palpable. Brilliant. (This board won't let me supply a link to the song; on that matter a certain quote from Avril Lavigne would be appropriate but I'll be a good boy and hold my tongue.)
I'll have a listen! Thanks!
Get into the Word. Realize your worth. Tell Satan you're done with him and the tricks he's been playing on you all these years. Take your authority and use it. Tell him he's trespassing on God's property. Tell him to take this cancer he's burdened you with all these years and hit the road. IMO that's Job One before any serious M/F relationship.
I was drawn to him for lots of reasons but the main one was his faith in God and how he treats and cares for other people..he has a BIG heart despite the hardships he's been through. He shows amazing strength and courage and integrity. And yeah, who wouldn't want to become like this! Yeah I'm tired of this stronghold that insecurity has had on me and i'm fighting it every hour of each day. I pray for freedom from it and have told the devil in Jesus' name, to 'stick it' and get out of here when it gets bad because i'm done.. i'm sick of feeling like this! The more i realize the truth how God feels and thinks about me helps

Best of luck and God Bless.

Thanks I appreciate that!

 

[Javanwarbler]

I really appreciated everyone's response to this! It has been most helpful. I see now where i've been irrational and how it has gotten in the way and what I can do about it.

My boyfriend and I have had arguments over it lately but the important thing is we're learning more about each other's boundaries and what not to say that would just lead to spinning around or more conflict. Not been easy but needed to go though it. I'm trying to 'cover all the bases' because we're dating with the intent for marriage as we both want to be, but I don't want any surprises or more reasons to be insecure than I already am.

 

[dayhiker]

Good to hear you two are learning about each other and working thru what you find.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

yeah thanks for the updates. I listened to Christine Caine recently and she says we live our lives trying to protect ourselves from everything and everyone, but that is not how we should be living. Because we believe in God and God directs our paths, we should trust HIM and if we try to protect ourselves from every hurt etc. that is not trusting Him.