Gordon H.
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- Dec 22, 2020
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Though this post is old, I want to add my thoughts for those stumbling upon it like I just have.
In my view, repentance has no emotion whatsoever. Contrition is what you're having. Your repentance is failing because you're 'repenting' like the worn-out religious buzzword implies, and not literally repenting, that is, changing your mind. In 1600s English, God himself 'repented' of his plans to destroy all of Israel except Moses and start all over again when Moses seemingly talked him out of it. That isn't God crying sorry and asking for forgiveness, but simply changing his mind. "Fine. New plan, I'll do this instead."
If you are in contrition, but haven't changed how you feel of your habit like I haven't, don't 'repent.' If you're not fooling yourself; how can you fool God too? No, he wouldn't accept it if you spoke to him with pious lies.
What God most certainly does accept is your honesty. Tell Him. Tell Him that you're won't repent, and ask Him to help you. Tell Him that you like your sin, that you wanna keep doing it, that you're not motivated to give it up, that you don't trust him to replace it with something true and wholesome. Tell Him everything. "Do you want to wrestle? I don't care if you dislocate my hip, 'cause I'm not letting go until you bless me! I'm too weak to serve you without it!"
He knows it all already. You can't shock him, or surprise him, or catch him off guard. Tell him for your own edification if nothing else. He won't clutch his pearls. He's seen bloodier, eviler, and has been hurt worse by others, I'll guarantee you.
Important tip, is that oneself can often be terrible company. Antisocial folk like me can become wrathful gods. Not all worship comes in the form of adoration: you can, in a sense, 'worship' yourself with only dread and terror, obsessing over your conscience and searing it, letting yourself be the dreadful and hateful judge, fretting over your soul like Martha in the kitchen, and missing out on what Mary is hearing, what Jesus has to say. It's a very uncanny sort of idolatry that we fall for, and I think it grieves God more than it angers him, seeing us condemning ourselves on His behalf.
Looking at others, praying for others, and looking for bits of life to have some gratitude over are oddly helpful. It's not just being sappy. Somehow it takes your mind out of your torment when you're praying for others' good (not in judgemental prayer.)
Other tip I don't follow because I'm too ashamed, is to write out the pattern of your sin over time, and present the data to God. Love him with your mind too.
Above all, pray. Not just for yourself either, or you'll just end up rehearsing prayerful thoughts to yourself instead of really praying to God. I do it all the time.
TL;DR: Confess if you can't repent, contrition isn't repentance. Don't fret over yourself all the time, or you'll blot out God's place. Use your head, too. Strategize a little. And keep praying.
In my view, repentance has no emotion whatsoever. Contrition is what you're having. Your repentance is failing because you're 'repenting' like the worn-out religious buzzword implies, and not literally repenting, that is, changing your mind. In 1600s English, God himself 'repented' of his plans to destroy all of Israel except Moses and start all over again when Moses seemingly talked him out of it. That isn't God crying sorry and asking for forgiveness, but simply changing his mind. "Fine. New plan, I'll do this instead."
If you are in contrition, but haven't changed how you feel of your habit like I haven't, don't 'repent.' If you're not fooling yourself; how can you fool God too? No, he wouldn't accept it if you spoke to him with pious lies.
What God most certainly does accept is your honesty. Tell Him. Tell Him that you're won't repent, and ask Him to help you. Tell Him that you like your sin, that you wanna keep doing it, that you're not motivated to give it up, that you don't trust him to replace it with something true and wholesome. Tell Him everything. "Do you want to wrestle? I don't care if you dislocate my hip, 'cause I'm not letting go until you bless me! I'm too weak to serve you without it!"
He knows it all already. You can't shock him, or surprise him, or catch him off guard. Tell him for your own edification if nothing else. He won't clutch his pearls. He's seen bloodier, eviler, and has been hurt worse by others, I'll guarantee you.
Important tip, is that oneself can often be terrible company. Antisocial folk like me can become wrathful gods. Not all worship comes in the form of adoration: you can, in a sense, 'worship' yourself with only dread and terror, obsessing over your conscience and searing it, letting yourself be the dreadful and hateful judge, fretting over your soul like Martha in the kitchen, and missing out on what Mary is hearing, what Jesus has to say. It's a very uncanny sort of idolatry that we fall for, and I think it grieves God more than it angers him, seeing us condemning ourselves on His behalf.
Looking at others, praying for others, and looking for bits of life to have some gratitude over are oddly helpful. It's not just being sappy. Somehow it takes your mind out of your torment when you're praying for others' good (not in judgemental prayer.)
Other tip I don't follow because I'm too ashamed, is to write out the pattern of your sin over time, and present the data to God. Love him with your mind too.
Above all, pray. Not just for yourself either, or you'll just end up rehearsing prayerful thoughts to yourself instead of really praying to God. I do it all the time.
TL;DR: Confess if you can't repent, contrition isn't repentance. Don't fret over yourself all the time, or you'll blot out God's place. Use your head, too. Strategize a little. And keep praying.
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