Not feeling sorry enough?

[NoahSK]

Okay, so I’ve been getting really into inappropriate content again recently and it’s gotten really bad. I’ve been fighting it ever since I’ve began doubting my salvation and really trying to become a better Christian (before this happened I was watching inappropriate content and fantasizing about girls I know and wanting to have sex and stuff) but when I first cried out to God to help me with my salvation doubts and to truly save me, it seemed to be easier to fight. For a while (minus a few hiccups, but nothing too hardcore) I was able to abstain for a while, and I thought I was gonna be inappropriate content free for the rest of my life; no longer did I have this always burning sexual desire; I thought that it was God who took it away, and I was happy that He did. However, over time it’s gotten worse, and now I’m back to doing the stuff that I thought I’d never do again; horrible stuff. And I know it’s wrong. There have been times where I’ve cried over my inability to resist and cried out for God to help me resist. But recently, I’ve been doing it a lot more frequently, and I’m not sure if I feel sorry enough for the sins, or if I feel sorry at all. I want to feel sorry I think; I want to repent, but there is still a part of me that wants to continue with sinning, so I don’t know if I’m truly repenting. I feel unable to truly feel sorrow and truly repent; I don’t know what’s going on. I’m afraid that I’ve hardened my heart so much that there’s no hope anymore. A part of me wants to stay pure and not do this crap, but I feel unable to control my impulses, and this causes me to doubt my salvation, or if my sorrow was godly sorrow or worldly sorrow. I’ve asked for forgiveness, but I don’t know if this is true or false repentance. What do I do? I’ve prayed for God to convict me of my sin and to soften my heart and let me repent, but I sort of feel like Esau. I feel like the fire I once had for the Lord has diminished, and I don’t know what to do.

 

[God is good]

Okay, so I’ve been getting really into inappropriate content again recently and it’s gotten really bad. I’ve been fighting it ever since I’ve began doubting my salvation and really trying to become a better Christian (before this happened I was watching inappropriate content and fantasizing about girls I know and wanting to have sex and stuff) but when I first cried out to God to help me with my salvation doubts and to truly save me, it seemed to be easier to fight. For a while (minus a few hiccups, but nothing too hardcore) I was able to abstain for a while, and I thought I was gonna be inappropriate content free for the rest of my life; no longer did I have this always burning sexual desire; I thought that it was God who took it away, and I was happy that He did. However, over time it’s gotten worse, and now I’m back to doing the stuff that I thought I’d never do again; horrible stuff. And I know it’s wrong. There have been times where I’ve cried over my inability to resist and cried out for God to help me resist. But recently, I’ve been doing it a lot more frequently, and I’m not sure if I feel sorry enough for the sins, or if I feel sorry at all. I want to feel sorry I think; I want to repent, but there is still a part of me that wants to continue with sinning, so I don’t know if I’m truly repenting. I feel unable to truly feel sorrow and truly repent; I don’t know what’s going on. I’m afraid that I’ve hardened my heart so much that there’s no hope anymore. A part of me wants to stay pure and not do this crap, but I feel unable to control my impulses, and this causes me to doubt my salvation, or if my sorrow was godly sorrow or worldly sorrow. I’ve asked for forgiveness, but I don’t know if this is true or false repentance. What do I do? I’ve prayed for God to convict me of my sin and to soften my heart and let me repent, but I sort of feel like Esau. I feel like the fire I once had for the Lord has diminished, and I don’t know what to do.

Just remember that God really really love ls you and He can help you. God bless you and Jesus is Lord.

 

[Mari17]

Okay, so I’ve been getting really into inappropriate content again recently and it’s gotten really bad. I’ve been fighting it ever since I’ve began doubting my salvation and really trying to become a better Christian (before this happened I was watching inappropriate content and fantasizing about girls I know and wanting to have sex and stuff) but when I first cried out to God to help me with my salvation doubts and to truly save me, it seemed to be easier to fight. For a while (minus a few hiccups, but nothing too hardcore) I was able to abstain for a while, and I thought I was gonna be inappropriate content free for the rest of my life; no longer did I have this always burning sexual desire; I thought that it was God who took it away, and I was happy that He did. However, over time it’s gotten worse, and now I’m back to doing the stuff that I thought I’d never do again; horrible stuff. And I know it’s wrong. There have been times where I’ve cried over my inability to resist and cried out for God to help me resist. But recently, I’ve been doing it a lot more frequently, and I’m not sure if I feel sorry enough for the sins, or if I feel sorry at all. I want to feel sorry I think; I want to repent, but there is still a part of me that wants to continue with sinning, so I don’t know if I’m truly repenting. I feel unable to truly feel sorrow and truly repent; I don’t know what’s going on. I’m afraid that I’ve hardened my heart so much that there’s no hope anymore. A part of me wants to stay pure and not do this crap, but I feel unable to control my impulses, and this causes me to doubt my salvation, or if my sorrow was godly sorrow or worldly sorrow. I’ve asked for forgiveness, but I don’t know if this is true or false repentance. What do I do? I’ve prayed for God to convict me of my sin and to soften my heart and let me repent, but I sort of feel like Esau. I feel like the fire I once had for the Lord has diminished, and I don’t know what to do.

This is basically another angle on your obsession about falling away from God. Not that you don't need to stop watching inappropriate content; you do. But you don't have to repent "just right" or have a certain kind of sorrow. That's where your OCD gets you into hyper-analyzing. Just confess, and stop doing it. And if you trip up, do that again. Then again. Don't get tangled into OCD's trap of trying to figure out if you are sorry "enough."

 

[WESTOZZIE]

Noah the answer is always and constantly---
Mat 11:28 Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Mat 11:29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
Mat 11:30 For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."

 

[NoahSK]

This is basically another angle on your obsession about falling away from God. Not that you don't need to stop watching inappropriate content; you do. But you don't have to repent "just right" or have a certain kind of sorrow. That's where your OCD gets you into hyper-analyzing. Just confess, and stop doing it. And if you trip up, do that again. Then again. Don't get tangled into OCD's trap of trying to figure out if you are sorry "enough."

yeah, but there’s true and false repentance. how can i know if my repentance is true repentance? also, the Holy Spirit convicts of sin. if i dont feel bad about my sin, that must mean that the Holy Spirit isn’t convicting me right? and it’s not just tripping up; I know it’s sin before I do it. I am willfully sinning, and even after I finish, I plan on doing it sometime later. this isn’t true repentance, and I find myself powerless to stop. It’s like I don’t want to stop.

 

[Mari17]

yeah, but there’s true and false repentance. how can i know if my repentance is true repentance? also, the Holy Spirit convicts of sin. if i dont feel bad about my sin, that must mean that the Holy Spirit isn’t convicting me right? and it’s not just tripping up; I know it’s sin before I do it. I am willfully sinning, and even after I finish, I plan on doing it sometime later. this isn’t true repentance, and I find myself powerless to stop. It’s like I don’t want to stop.

Why don't you want to stop?

 

[NoahSK]

Why don't you want to stop?

I don’t know, maybe because it feels good? At least while I’m doing it. I don’t know; I can’t find any way to relieve this sexual tension or whatever. Honestly, I’ve prayed for God to please take the desire away, but it doesn’t seem to have helped. The only advice that the Bible seems to give (at least to my knowledge) is to get married, but, as I’m only 17, that doesn’t really work for me at the moment. Honestly, I wish I could just get rid of the desire, but it’s there, and I find that it’s hard for me to conentrate on other things when I’m feeling it. I don’t know.

 

[St_Worm2]

Hi @NoahSK, I'm sorry to hear that you are still struggling with this Here are some thoughts that I had (in no particular order).

Try to stop looking at the big, gloomy picture that includes both the past, as well what "might" happen in the future, and just stay in the moment if you can. Satan tries to get us to do that (to look at the big picture) as he looks for the most expedient ways to convince us that we are worthless and unworthy of God, His salvation, and/or His love. It's still one of his main ploys (since the days of our progenitors in the Garden of God) since it has worked/is still working so well for him against us. But the Lord has something different to say about that aspect of dealing with our daily struggles.

Matthew 6
34 Do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.​

It's also likely that Satan is the one who's trying to convince you that you really don't care about sinning anymore (he is amazingly cunning), so be aware of that too. You need to grow in your knowledge and understanding of what is and what is not the truth of God, because all you get from Satan is deception and half-truths to mislead you. The HS will help you with that/help you understand that what Satan is selling isn't the truth, so if something seems not quite right and/or confusing to you, that's because it may well be misinformation that you're receiving from the devil and his demons.

As for your personal battle with inappropriate content, who do you have locally to support and pray for you? Have you spoken with you pastor about this yet? If not, my recommendation would be to do so immediately.

--David
p.s. - something that helped me 33 years ago as a brand new Christian was a book by C. S. Lewis called, The Screwtape Letters. It's a collection of short stories that were first read on the radio by Lewis, and eventually put together as a book. It's a book about demons and how they operate in our lives, written by Lewis from the demons POV (so if you see the word "Enemy" in this particular book, for instance, it's what the demons call God). It's a GREAT read, and even though it's fictional, I don't know of a better book to open your eyes to the invisible powers that are at work all around us (as well what they're up to and why). I highly recommend the 50th Anniversary Annotated Edition of the book (go here), or you can read it for free online if you'd prefer (go here).

 

[St_Worm2]

HI again @NoahSK, as for things that you can do right now, like I said above, live in the moment facing the problems of the moment, and just deal with those. When you see a pretty girl out of your peripheral vision, intentionally choose not to look at her, or turn your head away quickly if you already have .. and then thank God for something else, like the pretty sky or grass or a cool breeze.

You can do the same thing on your computer. If you begin to see a picture that is clearly going to be a problem for you, click to another page quickly.

If the thoughts that you have (about the things that you see) turn into temptations, take them "captive" and give them over to the Lord to deal with .. 2 Corinthians 10:5, knowing that the Lord is always there to help you find the means He's provided to escape your temptations before they turn into sins .. 1 Corinthians 10:13.

You need to practice these good things (spiritual disciplines) regularly and turn them into good "habits". Will you fail? Yes. Miserably? Probably, but you need to hang on and be steadfast in your resisting of the devil, even when you do fail .. again and again and again. But that's ok, the Lord, who knew EXACTLY who He was getting and what He had to look forward to when He saved you (and me), decided to save us anyway, PTL, and He will forgive all of His children who are in Christ, again & again, just for the asking God wants you to succeed. Trust Him! (by learning to listen to His voice, not the devils .. which means you'll need to grow in the knowledge and understanding of His word every day of your life from now on). It does get easier.

--David
p.s. - don't forget to take this entire concern to your pastor, ASAP.

 

[BioLeap]

Okay, so I’ve been getting really into inappropriate content again recently and it’s gotten really bad. I’ve been fighting it ever since I’ve began doubting my salvation and really trying to become a better Christian (before this happened I was watching inappropriate content and fantasizing about girls I know and wanting to have sex and stuff) but when I first cried out to God to help me with my salvation doubts and to truly save me, it seemed to be easier to fight. For a while (minus a few hiccups, but nothing too hardcore) I was able to abstain for a while, and I thought I was gonna be inappropriate content free for the rest of my life; no longer did I have this always burning sexual desire; I thought that it was God who took it away, and I was happy that He did. However, over time it’s gotten worse, and now I’m back to doing the stuff that I thought I’d never do again; horrible stuff. And I know it’s wrong. There have been times where I’ve cried over my inability to resist and cried out for God to help me resist. But recently, I’ve been doing it a lot more frequently, and I’m not sure if I feel sorry enough for the sins, or if I feel sorry at all. I want to feel sorry I think; I want to repent, but there is still a part of me that wants to continue with sinning, so I don’t know if I’m truly repenting. I feel unable to truly feel sorrow and truly repent; I don’t know what’s going on. I’m afraid that I’ve hardened my heart so much that there’s no hope anymore. A part of me wants to stay pure and not do this crap, but I feel unable to control my impulses, and this causes me to doubt my salvation, or if my sorrow was godly sorrow or worldly sorrow. I’ve asked for forgiveness, but I don’t know if this is true or false repentance. What do I do? I’ve prayed for God to convict me of my sin and to soften my heart and let me repent, but I sort of feel like Esau. I feel like the fire I once had for the Lord has diminished, and I don’t know what to do.

You can't believe your way out of inappropriate contentography. You must understand why you do it, then accept that you must stop based on what you know about it & yourself.

(So why do you think you do it? Don't access your beliefs about it here, think logically why you're doing it.)

 

[Mari17]

I don’t know, maybe because it feels good? At least while I’m doing it. I don’t know; I can’t find any way to relieve this sexual tension or whatever. Honestly, I’ve prayed for God to please take the desire away, but it doesn’t seem to have helped. The only advice that the Bible seems to give (at least to my knowledge) is to get married, but, as I’m only 17, that doesn’t really work for me at the moment. Honestly, I wish I could just get rid of the desire, but it’s there, and I find that it’s hard for me to conentrate on other things when I’m feeling it. I don’t know.

Having sexual desire is not sin. It's part of human nature. It's just that we as humans tend to take good desires and try to fulfill them in unhealthy ways. You are not a terrible person for caving to the desire to watch inappropriate contentography. You're just human. And God loves to take fallible humans and make them more like Him. So don't be too hard on yourself. Recognize that you need to stop (which you already have), then do your best to keep moving more in the direction of healthy practices, and ask God to help get you there. He may not take away all the desire; He may wish for you to grow stronger through saying no to that desire. But it's a process. You can't expect to be perfect all at once. (Shocking thought, I know, for those of us who are perfectionists!)

 

[NoahSK]

Ugh. After doing it, I feel bad and want to stop and everything, but when the feeling comes back, I end up doing it again. I get in this repetitive cycle of doing it, feeling horrible, wanting to never do it again, but then getting the feeling again and caving in. I don’t know what to do. Part of me wants to stop, but a part of me wants to keep doing it. And the part that wants to keep doing it always seems to overpower the part that wants to stop. I feel like I’m slowly becoming reprobate, or that maybe I am already. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’ve stopped feeling conviction of my sin, and that scares me. I feel like the only thing that makes me worry sbout my sin is my fear of hell, which I don’t think is true conviction, but just fear of consequences, which is natural. So what do I do now? I pray for conviction and stuff, but I’m still stuck in the loop.

 

[Mari17]

I understand how you feel; it's discouraging to be human and find ourselves "stuck" in a sin. That being said, I think our OCD often uses that as leverage to try to convince us that because we sin, or desire to sin, or feel stuck in a sin, we are not a true Christian. That's not true. Yes, we struggle with sin. Yes, we often feel motivated only by external consequences. That's because we are HUMAN, not perfect little angels. That's what Jesus Christ is for. That is the amazing beauty of His sacrifice. He, the ultimate perfection, became our sacrifice so that we don't have to rely on our perfection. Now, as you've realized in the past, we don't use that as an EXCUSE to sin; but it doesn't mean that we don't sin. Our job is to just keep fixing our eyes on Jesus. We could get waylaid by so many side trails, so many thoughts that try to lure us into despair by telling us that we're not good enough. We just have to keep walking toward Jesus. We have to trust in His grace, to trust that even when we fall - even when, because of our natural desires, we CHOOSE sin knowingly - He will help pick us back up again. Over and over and over. That prodigal son, who ran off with his inheritance, spent it all on partying and immoral living, and then got stuck working in a pigpen? His father took him back, no questions asked. No, he didn't just take him back; he threw a PARTY for him. God wants to throw a party for you - not because you are a good little child, but because you're HIS child. He sees the muck you're stuck in, he sees how filthy it is, and He's still ready to give you a big hug and forgive you every time you repent. Don't minimize the grace of God. Those of us with OCD do that, so often. There's always a "but:" "BUT I should be doing xyz differently, feeling xyz differently, there must be some condition I need to meet." But all God says is: "Come home." That's all He asks of us; to come. And He WILL change us; not all at once, usually, but bit by bit, as we spend time with Him, as we seek Him, He will gradually change our desires, change our paths, and make new things out of us. But it's a process, and not something that YOU have to perfectly become in an instant.

 

[NoahSK]

I understand how you feel; it's discouraging to be human and find ourselves "stuck" in a sin. That being said, I think our OCD often uses that as leverage to try to convince us that because we sin, or desire to sin, or feel stuck in a sin, we are not a true Christian. That's not true. Yes, we struggle with sin. Yes, we often feel motivated only by external consequences. That's because we are HUMAN, not perfect little angels. That's what Jesus Christ is for. That is the amazing beauty of His sacrifice. He, the ultimate perfection, became our sacrifice so that we don't have to rely on our perfection. Now, as you've realized in the past, we don't use that as an EXCUSE to sin; but it doesn't mean that we don't sin. Our job is to just keep fixing our eyes on Jesus. We could get waylaid by so many side trails, so many thoughts that try to lure us into despair by telling us that we're not good enough. We just have to keep walking toward Jesus. We have to trust in His grace, to trust that even when we fall - even when, because of our natural desires, we CHOOSE sin knowingly - He will help pick us back up again. Over and over and over. That prodigal son, who ran off with his inheritance, spent it all on partying and immoral living, and then got stuck working in a pigpen? His father took him back, no questions asked. No, he didn't just take him back; he threw a PARTY for him. God wants to throw a party for you - not because you are a good little child, but because you're HIS child. He sees the muck you're stuck in, he sees how filthy it is, and He's still ready to give you a big hug and forgive you every time you repent. Don't minimize the grace of God. Those of us with OCD do that, so often. There's always a "but:" "BUT I should be doing xyz differently, feeling xyz differently, there must be some condition I need to meet." But all God says is: "Come home." That's all He asks of us; to come. And He WILL change us; not all at once, usually, but bit by bit, as we spend time with Him, as we seek Him, He will gradually change our desires, change our paths, and make new things out of us. But it's a process, and not something that YOU have to perfectly become in an instant.

Yeah, but am I really repenting if I plan on sinning again? That’s not how it works. I can try to repent all I want, but if I don’t want to stop, it’s not repentance. Most of the more recent times I’ve slipped up, I’ve asked God to forgive me and I never wanted to do it again. But now, it’s like all that has changed. Now, I want to keep sinning. I don’t know what happened differently these last couple of times, but the guilt and sorrow I once had seems to be gone. How can I convince myself to never want to sin again?

 

[Mari17]

Yeah, but am I really repenting if I plan on sinning again? That’s not how it works. I can try to repent all I want, but if I don’t want to stop, it’s not repentance. Most of the more recent times I’ve slipped up, I’ve asked God to forgive me and I never wanted to do it again. But now, it’s like all that has changed. Now, I want to keep sinning. I don’t know what happened differently these last couple of times, but the guilt and sorrow I once had seems to be gone. How can I convince myself to never want to sin again?

You can't. I don't think any of us humans have the power to do that. You can't force yourself to feel or not feel a certain way, which is why you can't base the certainty of your salvation on how you feel or don't feel. It's great to "feel" a sorrowful repentance, but just because you don't feel sorrow doesn't mean you can't repent. It comes down to a choice. Choose not to watch inappropriate contentography. If you mess up, ask forgiveness and choose not to again. Your OCD is trying desperately to find a loophole, a way to make you feel like you can't possibly be saved. Well - it might be able to mess with your feelings. You don't have a whole lot of control over those. But it can never mess with your choices, unless YOU let it. You CHOOSE to be saved, no matter how you feel. You CHOOSE to stop sinning, even if it's a "two steps forward, one step back" kind of battle. OCD can take a flying leap...

 

[Caleb23]

Hello NoahSK.

Here's some advice and I know it could be hard but its worth it.
Unplug your computer and put it in your parent's closet / your closet.
And don't plug it in until months and months later. * Or until your parents say you can*
*
When I was having blashpmeous thoughts 3 years ago, I called a pastor and he came out to my house and we talked and discussed. He asked me if I had rock posters on my walls, and I did and he told me to rip them up and throw them away. I did and he also told me to unplug my computer. And I had that thing unplugged within 2 minutes. And It wasn't until months later I plugged it back in

Call on the Lord and stay in His Word.
Tell Him your problems and take it one day at a time. Even a few minutes at a time if you have to.

 

[Mari17]

Hello NoahSK.

Here's some advice and I know it could be hard but its worth it.
Unplug your computer and put it in your parent's closet / your closet.
And don't plug it in until months and months later. * Or until your parents say you can*
*
When I was having blashpmeous thoughts 3 years ago, I called a pastor and he came out to my house and we talked and discussed. He asked me if I had rock posters on my walls, and I did and he told me to rip them up and throw them away. I did and he also told me to unplug my computer. And I had that thing unplugged within 2 minutes. And It wasn't until months later I plugged it back in

Call on the Lord and stay in His Word.
Tell Him your problems and take it one day at a time. Even a few minutes at a time if you have to.

Are you saying that your pastor thought the posters and computers were causing the blasphemous thoughts? I don't think that's the case for someone with OCD...

 

[Caleb23]

Are you saying that your pastor thought the posters and computers were causing the blasphemous thoughts? I don't think that's the case for someone with OCD...

No but you sure can be on websites like inappropriate contentography and that is not good.
And by unplugging your computer it eliminates that temptation from easy inappropriate content sites.

 

[Mari17]

No but you sure can be on websites like inappropriate contentography and that is not good.
And by unplugging your computer it eliminates that temptation from easy inappropriate content sites.

OK, thank you for clarifying.

 

[Logan Sweet]

Yeah, but am I really repenting if I plan on sinning again? That’s not how it works. I can try to repent all I want, but if I don’t want to stop, it’s not repentance. Most of the more recent times I’ve slipped up, I’ve asked God to forgive me and I never wanted to do it again. But now, it’s like all that has changed. Now, I want to keep sinning. I don’t know what happened differently these last couple of times, but the guilt and sorrow I once had seems to be gone. How can I convince myself to never want to sin again?

If you don't mind this possibly coming off a bit wrong please stop "trying" to repent. I know because though I am not constantly watching inappropriate content I am constantly trying to repent of my sins. Here is the conundrum I am in and see if you can relate and maybe we will both grow.

If I am trying to repent. I am working REALLY HARD to stop sinning and forcing myself to feel bad about my sin. I ask for forgiveness immediately after I sin, and then try even harder to not sin. See this is self-righteousness because we aren't trusting in the finished work of Jesus to save us we are trying to clean up our act so God has to take us to heaven because we were so repentant.

When Peter was sinking after he started walking on water he didn't stop for a minute and say if I just try really hard to have more faith I can walk on the water again. Nope, he just cried for help and Jesus saved him though he was of little faith.

If you are saying you can't repent it's probably because you aren't really repenting at least not on God's terms. You are trying to fashion your own repentance that makes God save you. This is a sin much like the Pharisee who thanked God he wasn't a sinner or tax-collector.

If this sounds harsh know that I am literally going through the same problem with my own repentance. I feel it totally wrong to stop trying because then I am giving into sin (which is obviously against everything the Bible teaches), but I also need to stop trying to repent because my self-righteous efforts are only bringing me into more and more sin.

On top of this, I have noticed now that I am not trying so hard I am slipping up more and more with little things which makes me fear a deadening of my conscience.

I am having the same battle just not with inappropriate content but other sins. I hope this helped and feel free to tell me anything you have learned over the last few months since the last post.