Not consummated

[ej]

Wow, David, you must be strong.

Lets put your wife aside for a while and think about you. Does she know and realise that you are a human too? Does she know the effect that her problem and the fact that it is STILL unresolved is having on you?

I apologise in advance if I'm off the mark / out of line...
My guess is that you've been the strong one for all these years. I hope and pray that you have somebody to turn to and to speak frankly with. This situation is NOT all about sex... your situation sounds more difficult than I could imagine. I commend you, but I advise you to take a step back and look at the big picture. You can't keep pouring your money and energy into a pit... there must be an alternative path.

I can't advise or suggest as I don't know you or your situation, but I'm thinking of you, and hoping things turn out well in the end.

 

[Risen Tree]

Man oh man, you are really in a huge mess here.

Other than the fact that I really hope that you make it through alright, I honestly don't know what I could say that could possibly help you.

 

[desi]

When does it come a time that you need to take care of yourself?

David, before you can justifyably bolt on her from a biblical standpoint she has to cheat on you. Hopefully now you understand where I'm coming from. There's no easy way out!

 

[ceres]

oi, i started to type this a minute ago but then i lost it so if it comes through twice sorry

you indicated almost-sex experiences. did you stop because penetration itself was painful? i know that emotional apprehension of having sex can lead to a physical reaction of tightening in a woman which can make sex painful. and then the apprehension gets worse because of the pain, so next time the pain is there again. it is an endless cycle. is it like this?

 

[HeatherJay]

I think sex is a vital part of a marriage. Without sex, you're just roommates bound by a contract. I really wish you the best.

Love, Heather

 

[ej]

I think a marriage is not legal unless it is consummated, and hence can be annulled.

That is hardly the point of this discussion though...
David, you need to let her know that you are a fallible human too. Perhaps that will open gates to a safer and more loving path.

 

[Fritz_pw]

Yikes, guys, be sure you know what you are getting into when you are dealing with a girl with similar problems.

In my opinion, you would still be held to your marriage vows... even if you have to go 3 year without the rest of marrital activities.

davidjones2100,
I think you are on the right road by getting counseling from your pastor. Keep it up and maintain your walk with the Lord.

 

[travdaddy]

hey bro
I've just found this website and stumbled across this
I'm 23 and have been married for a year and a half,
honestly it's been the hardest year and a half of my life.
I read your post that your wife has not been sexually abused, but it seems very similar to my wifes position.
My wife was sexually abused as a child, and it's been a nightmare,
we have come along way over time, but there is still alot of hard work to go. Bro, don't give up on your wife!!!! Whatever has happened to her will have not been her fault. You have to fight through this.
I don't know if this helps you, but I understand what your going through. My wife does not want to have anything to do with sex, and it's hard. But, it is so rewarding when you can look back and see how far you have come.
Hopefully this can encourage you to keep fighting, it might feel as though you are getting no where, I feel like this all the time,
Just hang in there!!!!
I will be praying for you
if you need to talk about anything I will be glad to listen and help if i can

God Bless

 

[YouthPastor]

IMO, granted her childhood was oppressed. However, due to no sexual abuse - which I am not a fan of "repressed memories" as there have been quite a few made up "repressed memories" where people get convicted of a crime and later freed because the so called "repressed memory" was the result of the therapist trying to "pry" for repressed memories.

She has issues - However, I think the issues probably are deeper, much deeper than you can go into here - Granted - I understand the fear of rejection, the fear of not being able to "meet" a certain standard. but after YEARS of counseling - some progrees should have been made - atleast in the area of marital sexual relations.

Are these Chrsitian counselors?

It is a fine line in meeting her "phsycological" needs and still "requiring" the sexual "duties" both husband and wife are to provide the other.

 

[IslandBreeze]

Forget the counselors; I'm not a big fan of psychiatrists myself. Save the money you'd spend on a counselor, and take your wife away for a second honeymoon. Then there would be no distractions, and she'd be forced to at least talk to you and hopefully work out some of her issues. Make sure you go somewhere quiet and secluded.

 

[charligirl]

Since the generic stuff you have tried so far has failed I highly recommend you get the speed seduction course. It teaches a mix of hypnosis, neurolinguistic programming, and body language communication which is designed to change a woman's emotions. It was designed so single men could get laid quick after a short casual conversation but I think it can help you. I'd send you my old books but my wife threw them out a few years back. What I think you have to do is:
.

You are seriously suggesting this as a christian course of action? it includes hypnosis and obviously was designed from seriously dodgy motives! I can't see how that sort of approach would help a woman who has so many scars.

Your wife obviously needs some deep healing that can only come from prayer and Godly councel. You mention councel but have you had prayer? I mean deep helaing prayer from a christian who is gifted in this area or has understanding of these issues. All I know is that God is FOR marriage and can change hearts and heal scars, if you both want resolution that is. If she realises that you are so hurt and desperate you are prepared to anul the marriage would she want to make it work?

 

[breanna]

Since the generic stuff you have tried so far has failed I highly recommend you get the speed seduction course. It teaches a mix of hypnosis, neurolinguistic programming, and body language communication which is designed to change a woman's emotions. It was designed so single men could get laid quick after a short casual conversation but I think it can help you. I'd send you my old books but my wife threw them out a few years back. What I think you have to do is:

1 Get her to diminish her prior bad experences so they are not as prominent.

2 Get her to emotionally go back to before the bad experiences.

3 Have her explain in depth her ideal man from that perspective and 'anchor' that feeling to you.

Speed seduction can help you. Go look it up at google .com and order it. It really works.

No offense, Desi, but I really don't think that's a good idea in this situation... Or any other for that matter.

Whether or not this "speed seduction" would get her into bed isn't really the point. I think he is trying to get past the barriers that prevent them from emotionally connecting on a level that lets them be physically intimate. Crashing through her emotional barriers with a "mix of hypnosis, neurolinguistic programming, and body language communication" is probably not a good idea in the long run. Plus, if his wife is not ready to open up physically, she would definitely regret this the next day... And probably be set back even further by the knowledge that someone she loves and trusts basically manipulated her into having sex.
Davidjones2100, I'm sure that everyone is giving advice that sounds silly. Not many of us can understand where you are coming from, since we haven't been in your shoes. We don't know all of the things that you've tried. But, you need to realize that you made a covenant before God, saying that you were committed to this woman. Even though I know I can't understand how hard this is for you, you need to stay true to her. I am sure that you already are, but keep praying that God would guard your heart and mind, so that you can resist the temptation to look at other women.
I am sure that she can understand what you are thinking, and she is probably not clueless to the fact that you are tempted to cheat on her. This would only worsen the feelings that she already has. Try to make her your #2 focus (after God), and also try to think of new ways that you can demonstrate your love for her, outside of the physical sense.
Don't make sex your ultimate priority - focus on loving her as much as you can. If your physical relationship takes off, that would be an added bonus!
Stay true to God, and to your wife. There are a lot of people here praying for you!
~Bree

 

[desi]

charligirl and breanna, God has used many different means to enforce his will. He once flooded the world to cleanse it of evil people, killing them and their children in the process. What I am advocating is an option for our brother to emotionally heal his wife. The goal here isn't sex, it is emotional well being which would happen to allow for a healthy sex life. The course I recommended can be used for good or catastrophic ends, just like the rain.

 

[charligirl]

charligirl and breanna, God has used many different means to enforce his will. He once flooded the world to cleanse it of evil people, killing them and their children in the process. What I am advocating is an option for our brother to emotionally heal his wife. The goal here isn't sex, it is emotional well being which would happen to allow for a healthy sex life. The course I recommended can be used for good or catastrophic ends, just like the rain.

Marriage and sex is God's idea, it's a beautiful thing and the ultimate expression of the covenant between a husband and wife. It's built on trust and nurturing, mutual respect and love...

I don;t want to offend you Desi but I have just looked up 'speed seduction' on Google and I find the information on that the height of offence, it couldn't be more opposed to what God intended sex to be.

Sex is emotional and spiritual before anything else, yes I agree that God can use all manner of things, including the mouth of an *** (in Balaam's case) but we are not talking about enforcing God's will here, we are talking about two people, with choice, emotions and pain. God's healing power is needed, not some worldly, manipulation and (very) ungodly hypnosis.. which removes all of our own choice and will and is nothing short of brain washing.

 

[desi]

Marriage and sex is God's idea, it's a beautiful thing and the ultimate expression of the covenant between a husband and wife. It's built on trust and nurturing, mutual respect and love...

I don;t want to offend you Desi but I have just looked up 'speed seduction' on Google and I find the information on that the height of offence, it couldn't be more opposed to what God intended sex to be.

Sex is emotional and spiritual before anything else, yes I agree that God can use all manner of things, including the mouth of an *** (in Balaam's case) but we are not talking about enforcing God's will here, we are talking about two people, with choice, emotions and pain. God's healing power is needed, not some worldly, manipulation and (very) ungodly hypnosis.. which removes all of our own choice and will and is nothing short of brain washing.

Your Bible must have a few extra chapters than mine because I can't find any verse in the Bible which refers to "trust and nurturing, mutual respect and love" being a prerequisite for sex between a husband and wife. Furthermore Genesis and the new testament tell us a woman is to obey her husband as her master and married couples are not to withold their affections from one another unless it is by mutual agreement so they both can get closer to God, respectively.

 

[HeatherJay]

Your Bible must have a few extra chapters than mine because I can't find any verse in the Bible which refers to "trust and nurturing, mutual respect and love" being a prerequisite for sex between a husband and wife. Furthermore Genesis and the new testament tell us a woman is to obey her husband as her master

*taking cover in case the sky falls all over Desi*

Ephesians 5:25-33

A husband should love and care for his wife as he would care for his own body. It seems in the current situation that sex by any kind of coersion would be selfish to say the least.

*listening carefully for the hordes of angry wives sure to come a runnin' on this one*

Love Heather

 

[ceres]

If my husband would feel okay with having sex with me when i am not one hundred percent responsive and comfortable with it then I would lose all respect for him as a man. If sex is more important than respect and love then our priorities are wrong. It isn't about obeying your husband.

 

[charligirl]

Far from my bible having a few extra chapters, it appears yours is missing some.



Marriage and covenant is a central theme throughout the bible, from Genesis to Revelation. Sex cuts the covenant between husband and wife and is the ultimate expression of love and intimacy. Marriage between two of God’s children mirrors the relationship between Christ and the church, so a man should look to Jesus and how He loves his people to see how to love his wife. The bible also instructs that man should love his wife as he loves his own body.



Jesus is supremely compassionate, all loving, He heals, listens and counsels, encourages and respects our will. He never goes against our free will, He never coerces, forces or manipulates. A man should love himself and respect himself, so it follows that marriage and sex should be conducted along these lines.



I agree that the bible says that a husband and wife should not withhold sexual relations, however there is a difference between actively withholding out of spite, anger, punishment or whatever, and actually not being able to have sex due to physical and emotional wounds.



It also says in the bible, as you rightly point out, that a wife should obey her husband – but that is only half the command it then says ‘as to the Lord’ followed by the command that husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the church. So, YES a wife should submit to her husband, IF he fulfills his part in acting like Christ towards her. To take the ‘obey’ bit alone is to take it out of context.

 

[desi]

Far from my bible having a few extra chapters, it appears yours is missing some.



Marriage and covenant is a central theme throughout the bible, from Genesis to Revelation. Sex cuts the covenant between husband and wife and is the ultimate expression of love and intimacy. Marriage between two of God’s children mirrors the relationship between Christ and the church, so a man should look to Jesus and how He loves his people to see how to love his wife. The bible also instructs that man should love his wife as he loves his own body.



Jesus is supremely compassionate, all loving, He heals, listens and counsels, encourages and respects our will. He never goes against our free will, He never coerces, forces or manipulates. A man should love himself and respect himself, so it follows that marriage and sex should be conducted along these lines.



I agree that the bible says that a husband and wife should not withhold sexual relations, however there is a difference between actively withholding out of spite, anger, punishment or whatever, and actually not being able to have sex due to physical and emotional wounds.

You give your opinion and claim 'its in the Bible.'

It also says in the bible, as you rightly point out, that a wife should obey her husband – but that is only half the command it then says ‘as to the Lord’ followed by the command that husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the church. So, YES a wife should submit to her husband, IF he fulfills his part in acting like Christ towards her. To take the ‘obey’ bit alone is to take it out of context.

Actually Jesus is not mentioned in Genesis where God says women should obey her husband as her master.

 

[desi]

If my husband would feel okay with having sex with me when i am not one hundred percent responsive and comfortable with it then I would lose all respect for him as a man. If sex is more important than respect and love then our priorities are wrong. It isn't about obeying your husband.

If you would not have sex with your husband when you are "not one hundred percent responsive and comfortable with it" you are being selfish and controlling by putting your needs above your husbands and ignoring your Biblical duties.