No Passion

[lancers900]

My wife and I have sex on a fairly regular basis, but there isn't any passion on her behalf. She usually just wants me to prepare her with a few minutes of foreplay and then have a quickie in the missionary position. Sometimes, she enjoys receiving oral sex, but never gives it. Also, she doesn't like kisses other than quick pecks on the lips, no long lengthy kissing.

Sounds like every guy's dream right? Just do it!

It isn't my dream though.

Shouldn't there be more passion and enjoyment to this? What should I do? She says that she enjoys our times together and doesn't want to change anything.


By the way we have been married 8 years and it has always been like this.

 

[EmSchmem]

Why did you wait 8 years to ask anyone's advice?

 

[karla]

If you aren't getting what you want out of the relationship, then you need to talk to her about it. Tell her how you feel and how you aren't satisfied with the way things are going? Loving one another means working to please eachother. Sex shouldn't been one-sided. There has to be give and take in every relationship. I'm not saying that every night should be bells and whistles and hours upon hours of lovemaking. The two of you need to sit down and talk about it and not when you are about to be intimate or right after you have been. One thing you may try doing is having a kissing only night. We have those and they are great.

 

[Johnnz]

Both of you are missing out. You need to talk. Apart from sex is your wife a warm, affectionate person? If not, there probably some background factors that need to be addressed.

John
NZ

 

[wannagohome]

I would wonder if she has had any traumatic expeiences in her past that maybe make her feel negetive feelings during your intimate time.If so try to get her to talk to you about her feelings. Or do you spend time together doing hobbies (sports, arts, etc.) that you both enjoy? Sometimes when you are close outside of the bedroom it helps also. Jen

 

[Jenna]

Um, sometimes it is just laziness, to be honest. I'm not saying that this is neccessarily her case though. Hey, maybe she just likes you to be in a more dominant position over her. *shrugs* It's hard to say. You guys need to do some talking about what her preferences are, what your preferences are, what the high points are to your sexual activity, and what things you both would be comfortable with trying together.

 

[MIboy]

I had the same problem with my wife about a year after we got married, and what solved the problem was very simple, I started sleeping on the couch in the spare bedroom and basically did not initiate anything. After about 6 months of my wife sleeping alone and finding out how it feels to not have your partner show any passion or interest she was all over me. It actually felt good for her to say "why don't you come to bed with me". What your wife is doing in my book is definitely abusive, but don't tell her that. Too never be passionate is her way of feeling powerful over you because she knows that is hurtful. It could be a sign that she has intimate feelings towards another man. I had a friend who went through a divorce a couple years ago and he said that his wife treated him like that for about 14 years and the day she told him she was going to file for divorce she also told him she had been seeing another man for about that long. Keep your eyes open!

 

[Jenna]

Oh, don't listen to that garbage. *points up*

 

[WolfGate]

I had the same problem with my wife about a year after we got married, and what solved the problem was very simple, I started sleeping on the couch in the spare bedroom and basically did not initiate anything. After about 6 months of my wife sleeping alone and finding out how it feels to not have your partner show any passion or interest she was all over me. It actually felt good for her to say "why don't you come to bed with me". What your wife is doing in my book is definitely abusive, but don't tell her that. Too never be passionate is her way of feeling powerful over you because she knows that is hurtful. It could be a sign that she has intimate feelings towards another man. I had a friend who went through a divorce a couple years ago and he said that his wife treated him like that for about 14 years and the day she told him she was going to file for divorce she also told him she had been seeing another man for about that long. Keep your eyes open!

*shudders* Way too much manipulation and way too little communication...

 

[MIboy]

*shudders* Way too much manipulation and way too little communication...

Way too much Dr. Phil.

 

[alaskamolly]

I'd bet a hunk of money that she's just got some serious issues from her past...

I'm going to guess issues of rejection/trust/love that were never properly 'laid' (in that childhood foundation--perhaps her dad or mom were not too affectionate? Or perhaps she learned at some point that if you trust people, you get hurt)? Just a female hunch, but I'd bet I'm right! She sounds like she's playing defense, protecting herself from letting you get to know her too much...


I'd pray about it and see if God can show you what's really going on. As her husband, you are in a really unique position to be used of God as a tool to help her heal. But you just need God to show you what's really going on in there, and the steps (which it may take years to walk through) to lead her through that will help her become a whole woman!

 

[Blindfaith316]

Besides praying, I would talk to her about it in a loving, non confrontational way. She sounds like she may have some problems from her past. Can I ask a couple questions?

1. How old is she?
2. Were you her first partner?
3. Has she had any violent/controlling relationships in the past?
4. is she a modest person, outside of the bedroom?
5. How is the rest of your marriage?

gee, there could be so many reasons! Like Jenna said, maybe shes just really tired, or lazy. I know that if Im not generally happy with myself or my husband at the moment, Im not too passionate... If Im tired from the kids and the house or worried about the bills... or if Im moody... EEK... you see where Im going? it could be something minor, like preoccupation with other things, or it could be something deeper.

 

[Ruhama]

I have another thought to add, maybe her libido just isn't as strong as yours and she's oversexed?

She sounds like she could also be trying to please you but really isn't interested in sex and so over time, the whole physical intimacy thing feels like it's all about you and not her - hence her hesitancy to go to lengths to please you.

If that's the case I suggest not initiating anything beyond hugging, caressing - things that you both enjoy - for a while and see if she feels less crowded and comes to you wanting sex.

If she seems happier without the sex for a week or so, my money is on the bet that you need to be more romantic and learn better how to seduce her. Probably you should also give her "safe" times (like during her period maybe) where you will not touch her and where desire can build in the absence of sex.

Since this has been going on for 8 years it might be a bit difficult to talk about it, but I strongly suggest you talk about the issue. Find out exactly how she is feeling and what she really wants. Maybe there's something she's been wanting you to do (in or out of the bedroom) and you haven't realized it or have been ignoring it as unrelated.

Of course she could just be being lazy, but that seems to me an extraordinarily selfish thing to be doing to you. I really suspect there is a better reason than that behind this.

 

[Ruhama]

By the way....

When she says she enjoys your times together.... is she just saying that to keep you happy and keep the status quo?

or does she reaaaallly enjoy your times together? I really suspect that when she is saying that, she is hiding a deeper truth.

 

[GirlieGirl]

I had the same problem with my wife about a year after we got married, and what solved the problem was very simple, I started sleeping on the couch in the spare bedroom and basically did not initiate anything. After about 6 months of my wife sleeping alone and finding out how it feels to not have your partner show any passion or interest she was all over me. It actually felt good for her to say "why don't you come to bed with me". What your wife is doing in my book is definitely abusive, but don't tell her that. Too never be passionate is her way of feeling powerful over you because she knows that is hurtful. It could be a sign that she has intimate feelings towards another man. I had a friend who went through a divorce a couple years ago and he said that his wife treated him like that for about 14 years and the day she told him she was going to file for divorce she also told him she had been seeing another man for about that long. Keep your eyes open!

Did that make my point clear?

 

[MIboy]

Wow! How can a woman know how a guy feels about this topic! Oh that's right since women have been able to vote the divorce rate has gone out of sight, crime has gone through the roof, our prisons are full, our schools are filled with violence and the suicide rate keeps increasing, almost all of the big cities are in chaos and crumbling................oh now I see why women feel as though they know all the answers. And to be politically correct some conservative christian man will come along and delete this post, but allow women to trash a man all they want. I can see why all twelve disciples were men.







Did that make my point clear? [/QUOTE]

 

[Jenna]

If you want to run off at the mouth with a bunch of junk, then please make your own thread and leave this one alone. If you are seeking to gander attention for yourself, as usual, please at least have enough respect to do it elsewhere. It is very rude to the original poster for you to derail his thread.

 

[MIboy]

Definition of rudeness. See below!
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Oh, don't listen to that garbage. *points up*

 

[Jenna]

To suggest that a woman is purposefully abusing her husband because she isn't as passionate about sex as he is, is garbage. To hint that his wife is having an affair without knowing a wit about them, is garbage. You know better than that.

 

[MIboy]

To suggest that a woman is purposefully abusing her husband because she isn't as passionate about sex as he is, is garbage. To hint that his wife is having an affair without knowing a wit about them, is garbage. You know better than that.

I'm just telling you from a "male" perspective who has been through the same exact thing as this guy. It is wrong to get married and "never" be passionate towards your spouse. I went to counseling with my wife and we did all the oh this has nothing to do with you blah, blah blah.... and then on this end of it you get, oh these things take time. Baloney! The proof is in the pudding! The heck with it may take a year, two years blah blah blah..... my way cured it in 6 months. Your married now, be passionate. Look men don't have to watch Dr. Phil and Oprah blah blah blah....... my experience showed me it is a power trip on the one who is not being passionate. I for one would never let someone turn this thing into some complicated psycho babble experience. Sex is a sport get on the playing field and go at it, if not get off the field (go sleep on the couch). As far as the affair thing goes I did not say his wife is having an affair, I just know people who spouses have had an affair and almost all of them will tell you that their sex lives had no passion.