No More Mr. Nice Guy?

[TriptychR]

I recently came across an article about expected roles of men. Here's the beginning of it:



In an age of suicide bombers, contaminated mail, road rage and rampant rudeness, it seems the last thing we should worry about is an epidemic of overniceness.

But while America slumbers, says Federal Way therapist Robert Glover, an alarming number of men -- maybe 1 in 4 -- are morphing into wimps who live to please and end up pleasing no one.

"I think since World War II, Nice Guys have just proliferated," says Glover, 46, whose focus on "Nice Guy Syndrome" has spawned a best-selling e-book, a growing caseload and a global online community of "recovering Nice Guys."

"Now I'm seeing second- and third-generation Nice Guys coming along," says Glover, who acknowledges he has no hard data beyond clinical observation of a trait he has sought treatment for himself.

His concern is not with generic niceness but a specific constellation of traits such as passivity, conflict avoidance and emotional caretaking that in the past were more commonly associated with women...

The rest of the article can be found here: http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/lifestyle/68913_niceguy03.shtml

So what do you think? Can a guy be too nice or gentle? Could that be considered a turn off or cause a woman not to consider a man romantically at all?

 

[the_man]

Interesting. Wild At Heart adresses similar issues. The problem is not being nice and gentle (we look only as far as Christ to see His gentleness and loving nature). The problem is being passive instead of passionate, being a pushover instead of a presense. A similar article with a Christian slant can be found here: http://www.beliefnet.com/story/115/story_11575_1.html

 

[TriptychR]

IA similar article with a Christian slant can be found here: http://www.beliefnet.com/story/115/story_11575_1.html

The man interviewed in that article focuses a great deal on how we males have strong "physical" and "adventurous" desires. It sounds like he takes his family mountain climbing in Alaska every other Tuesday! What is a man who doesn't seem to have those desires to do? Are they really that important?

 

[the_man]

The man interviewed in that article focuses a great deal on how we males have strong "physical" and "adventurous" desires. It sounds like he takes his family mountain climbing in Alaska every other Tuesday! What is a man who doesn't seem to have those desires to do? Are they really that important?

Did you read the whole article? The interviewer asks "Here I am sitting in the middle of Manhattan, surrounded by Starbucks, with no mountains to climb. What’s the message for us city slickers who are not going to get to the woods any time soon?"

 

[OhhJim]

So what do you think? Can a guy be too nice or gentle? Could that be considered a turn off or cause a woman not to consider a man romantically at all?

Yes, and yes, imho. Too many women have faulty concepts about men who are nice. To them, Nice = Wimpy.

 

[fieldmouse3]

I think a guy can be nice without being too passive....just the same as a girl can.

 

[TriptychR]

Did you read the whole article? The interviewer asks "Here I am sitting in the middle of Manhattan, surrounded by Starbucks, with no mountains to climb. What’s the message for us city slickers who are not going to get to the woods any time soon?"

Yes, and I thought the guy's answer was a little vague at first:

You have adventures daily. Getting to your car late at night happens to be one, getting a seat on the metro might be another. The important thing is that when a man chooses a life of safety, something inside him dies. Unfortunately, most men want to create an entire world around them where everything is predictable and everything is under their control. I think adventure is waiting us wherever we turn. It may be starting a new career. It may be the joining a fellowship of men and developing male friendships. It might be the adventure of pursuing a woman to be your wife--to court her to win her. There’s adventure all around us. When we play it safe, we die. Something in our soul goes dormant, goes underground and we lose our passion for life. But I do want to add for the city slickers--because I worked in Washington, D.C.--that you still need to get out, whether it’s bike riding or raquetball. I do believe a man needs to be physical. And you have to understand, I weigh 135 pounds. I’m five feet nothing. I’m not some athlete. I’ve just discovered that we learn by doing and some of that doing involves getting out.


I didn't understand what he meant, but I've been thinking and looking up stuff about this subject and I think I finally have an idea. "Adventure" is not meant in the sense of always conquering something huge, but experiencing new things. Always having that sense of awe and wonder about life that keeps you from becoming complacent.


And I realize that, personally, that's been my main problem. I have no confidence because I don't go out enough to gain it.I actually do crave adventure; not in the Indiana Jones sense but in wanting to see the world and understand it. If I can apply this more to my actual life and be more confident about who I am, I can still be the "nice guy" without being a wimp. Thanks for helping me to see that.

 

[Injured Soldier]

I didn't understand what he meant, but I've been thinking and looking up stuff about this subject and I think I finally have an idea. "Adventure" is not meant in the sense of always conquering something huge, but experiencing new things. Always having that sense of awe and wonder about life that keeps you from becoming complacent.

But why limit that just to men? That is the whole human race. Creating their own little safe world where no one challenges them, they are comfortable and in charge. It's part of not trusting God or others, a consequence of the fall.

 

[TriptychR]

But why limit that just to men? That is the whole human race. Creating their own little safe world where no one challenges them, they are comfortable and in charge. It's part of not trusting God or others, a consequence of the fall.

It seems the focus is on men here because the author believes trends have resulted in many men losing their will to pursue a relationship and take charge of things. Girls want adventure too, so it doesn't help when guys don't bring that sense into a relationship.

 

[Raanan]

Yes, and I thought the guy's answer was a little vague at first:

You have adventures daily. Getting to your car late at night happens to be one, getting a seat on the metro might be another. The important thing is that when a man chooses a life of safety, something inside him dies. Unfortunately, most men want to create an entire world around them where everything is predictable and everything is under their control. I think adventure is waiting us wherever we turn. It may be starting a new career. It may be the joining a fellowship of men and developing male friendships. It might be the adventure of pursuing a woman to be your wife--to court her to win her. There’s adventure all around us. When we play it safe, we die. Something in our soul goes dormant, goes underground and we lose our passion for life. But I do want to add for the city slickers--because I worked in Washington, D.C.--that you still need to get out, whether it’s bike riding or raquetball. I do believe a man needs to be physical. And you have to understand, I weigh 135 pounds. I’m five feet nothing. I’m not some athlete. I’ve just discovered that we learn by doing and some of that doing involves getting out.


I didn't understand what he meant, but I've been thinking and looking up stuff about this subject and I think I finally have an idea. "Adventure" is not meant in the sense of always conquering something huge, but experiencing new things. Always having that sense of awe and wonder about life that keeps you from becoming complacent.


And I realize that, personally, that's been my main problem. I have no confidence because I don't go out enough to gain it.I actually do crave adventure; not in the Indiana Jones sense but in wanting to see the world and understand it. If I can apply this more to my actual life and be more confident about who I am, I can still be the "nice guy" without being a wimp. Thanks for helping me to see that.

The real issue is control in my honest opinion. The trend is to create these bubbles around yourself where you are in complete control. Everything is predictable. You know you'll get a seat on the metro because you've formulated your "world" to make sure of it. You know you'll get to your car at night because your "world" is designed to make sure of that. Adventure, life adventure, is about letting go. It's about stopping being the control freak. It's about giving your control up to God. It opens the door to unpredictability, excitement, surprise, the highs and lows of life which develope our passion. You can be a super nice guy or the king of all jackasses but if everything is predictable, life becomes stagnant and your passion slowly dwindles to nothing until you die an apathetic stoic.

So let go! Give it all to God! He's the best there is and your life will be nothing short of awesome if you give it all to him!